Life Update

Hello! Been a while since I've made a journal!

I've wanted to vent out some emotions that I've been feeling recently and ask for some help. As of recent, my relationship with art hasn't been very healthy. I'm constantly comparing myself to other artists, thinking that because I cant produce as much art, or at a similar quality of other artists, that art might just not be for me.

These thoughts have led me into a pretty bad depression, and feeling very disconnected from the community. Some of this is likely due to some other circumstances like recently going through a breakup, but these thoughts have been in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. They're just much louder now.

Maybe I'm simply just not disciplined enough, or I'm lazy. But I don't believe those thoughts would lead me to be questioning if I should really be doing art, as discipline and laziness can be worked on. Personally I think a lot of this has come from how disconnected I am to the community. I've got friends and quite a few locals in the community, but despite that I still feel lonely.

The main reason I create is to make things for others and to make them happy, it always has been. Maybe that's why I don't feel as motivated to grind out commissions on a daily basis, as money is just something that's made to be spent in my mind. But I can't help but feel some jealousy or envy towards other artists who can, or feel as if they are more cut out to do art than I am.

I know that everyone has their own creative journey and there's no wrong way to make art other than to make nothing at all. But these thoughts are very scary to me. Sure I've doubted myself before in the past, but I cant remember ever thinking that art wasn't for me until recently.

In saying that, I can't see myself doing anything else, and others have told me the same, maybe I'm being too hard on myself as others have told me that they look up to me but I cant help but wonder, why? I think in large part feelings of isolation have led me to those questions, and I'll admit the isolation is almost entirely of my own doing.

Whenever I get too many messages I get overwhelmed and tend not to respond to people, I'm horrible at responding to others as I usually don't have my phone or any messaging apps open when I try to work on art as I believe they distract me (but I think this might also be contributing to the feelings of isolation) and I rarely join calls or talk/draw with other artists which is something I wish I did a lot more often.

As you've probably read so far, I'm not great at explaining how I feel on paper, and I'm simultaneously very hard on myself. Maybe unfairly so. If someone is upset, I'll convince myself it's my fault. Something bad happens? My fault. You get the idea. This has led to a lot of anxiety and depression to build up in me. I'm always anxious that my art isn't going to be good enough and that whoever I'm giving it to will hate it. Yes I'm afraid that if I gift someone art for free, they'll somehow hate it, I realize it sounds crazy but that's how low my self-esteem is as of late.

With my most previous now EX partner, I considered them to be my better half. Very charismatic, talkative, fun and would take very little BS from others. It was something I admired in them, but it eventually became a bit of jealousy on my end. It's not easy to admit that I was jealous of my own partner at the time, but it always felt like people liked him and only tolerated me because I was an artist or because I was his partner.

My partner also got a lot of art with others, which I'm very glad that others are kind enough to give him such nice things as he does deserve them, but I really started to feel as if my art wasn't special to them anymore. Maybe all I wanted to hear was "good job" or "I love it" a little more often, but I'd never ask them to change for my sake, even if it deeply hurt. Perhaps my codependency is what's causing my emotional turmoil, but I don't think it's wrong to want to share your heart and soul to another and selflessly give to them. I believe I still have quite a bit of healing to do, because I feel as if I have lost...well, half of me.

If you've read this far, I don't have many closing thoughts, this was mostly just to vent because these emotions have had me in a choke hold for months now. I don't think I'm doing okay, but some days are better than others, and I like to stay optimistic. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them. I always love reading comments, its one of the only ways that I have felt connected with the community recently. <3

Thank you for reading, I'm going to still create art, and for all the support this community has given me, I can't ever give back enough.
And for you Patrons, I can't thank you guys enough, I don't feel deserving of you all ;; <3