Restless - Chapter 11

Two weeks. That’s how long it took me to figure out what all was going on with my body. It was a slow and tedious process, especially considering my state as a pseudo-prisoner. I wasn’t literally a prisoner, but my ‘Flaw’ kept me locked up with the Reality Anchor. 

At first, I’d freaked out about it. By the second day of being cooped up, I forced myself to leave the room, even if it meant dying. There was no way I was once more going to let myself be cooped up in a metal cage. Warden Candus did not agree in the slightest, nor did the Gloomguard protecting this place.

After being sedated and forcibly calmed down, I had a loose detachment to it all. My body was… I felt incomplete. Like I wasn’t all there. Even when pressed up against the Reality Anchor, which relieved the feeling somewhat, it didn’t fully make me feel whole again.

It was like the jittery feeling I used to get when drinking way too much caffeine and indulging in stimulants while on several-day courier trips into the seedier parts of Voth Prime’s Undercity. Except I could feel it even in my bones. It was a certain… hollow unstable feeling, I guess. 

After a week of getting used to my new state of being—one in which I constantly felt incomplete—I started trying to piece my mind back together. It was a long, boring process. No one aside from the Chief Engineer came to visit me, and he was typically busy fixing the machinery. 

Part of that had to do with the importance of the machines around me. I’d asked Chief Engineer Yor about it once. Apparently, outside of him, the Captain of the Dawn’s Glory, Warden Candus, and a few other high-ranking individuals, no one was allowed access to this room. It was one of the most heavily guarded places on the ship.

Needless to say, it was a lonely experience. Pyre, it was the loneliest I’d felt in a long, long time. Ever since I was dropped off on Voth Prime as a child and adopted by Vayne, I’d always been in the city, constantly surrounded by people. Even in the Nightmare, I was with Clyde and Moll.

And now I was here—where I might speak to Chief Engineer Yor once every couple days. I kept myself as calm as I could, eventually throwing myself into the ‘excitement’ of figuring out what all I’d been ‘Graced’ with outside of my horrible flaw.

It started out simple enough. I’d leave the Reality Anchor every once in a while, feeling the Instability spread through my body until every part of me started to phase in and out of reality. 

It took a bit each time, but with a bit of focus, I could hold myself together even without the help of the Reality Anchor. Then I’d nearly collapse in exhaustion only to repeat the process after a rest. Each time I lasted longer and longer without the assistance of the machine.

I was almost able to stay stable for nearly a minute now! Great improvements-

I laughed sardonically at myself and shifted on the small cot I’d been given. My hands flopped to my head, dragging through my hair. It was getting long now. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, enjoying the darkness that such an action provided. My Flaw… was it even worth living with such a thing? Never able to leave a massive and loud machine- ever bound to its side in a bid to keep myself from phasing out of existence entirely.

My eyes popped open, staring at the far side of the room. A spot where the Instability overpowered the Reality Anchor’s effects. Maybe I should just let myself sink into it. To fade away entirely…

…

…

I shook my head, slapping myself lightly on the cheeks. What a bad idea. If only because every time the Instability spread through my body it would steal my warmth like plummeting into the depths of a frozen lake. Why would I ever willingly get that cold again? 

There was undeniable fear in me too. Fear of letting go. Of fading away. And what if I faded away only to enter some other place? Some hell plane that exacted agony from me for each moment I was stuck in it? Or something worse. That shifting darkness from the last time I nearly phased out came to the fore front of my mind. Nothing like fear of the unknown to eat away at me.

And Vayne would be disappointed in me if I simply let go. Nothing like dead brother pressure to keep me on the right path. Even gone, he never changes. Pyre, if my brother were here now? I could see it already. He’d probably make a stupid joke like ‘at least you’re mentally stable!’. Jokes on you...

Brother…

I blinked my eyes a couple times as I stared at the thick door blocking the way into my loud cage. Maybe sometime soon I could leave this place. Warden Candus had said the newly awoken Heralds were all going to be dropped off at some kind of education center. I guess that included me, though I felt anything but heroic.

I wonder what everyone else faced? Were there Flaws as bad as mine? Worse? Better? Or were they even flawed in the first place? I bet they already all knew what their powers were...

Still, it would be nice to at least figure out the supposed ability I was Graced with after surviving the Nightmare. Or maybe I was unlucky and didn’t get any ability. That’d be about right considering the trajectory of my life.

I tried to think- to will anything to happen. Unfortunately, real life wasn’t like those Radio plays where the protagonist immediately understood everything. Nothing happened. As per scorching usual.

Once I was feeling strong enough again, I stepped out of the Reality Anchor’s direct range. Or at least the effective range for me. According to Yor, this particular Reality Anchor was one of five that covered the entire ship, so its stabilization field was actually quite massive. Just that its range was terrible with stabilizing my particular kind of Instability.

I felt that jittery feeling turn to cold hollowness as I fully stepped out of the field. I didn’t have to look down to see myself phasing out- I could feel it. That sensation of being incomplete. Of my organs turning cold as they phased out of reality while still inside of me, yet magically managed to keep working as if my body was whole-

I refocused back on myself- on keeping myself stable. In a few moments, I returned back to how I was supposed to be before the Nightmare broke me. Back to whole. 

I counted the excruciating seconds. One. Two. Three… Sixty-six. Sixty-seven. Sixty-

A wave of exhaustion crashed over me as I nearly collapsed. I’d learned over the past two weeks though. I was quick to throw myself back into the RA's range before anything important could vanish.

I tiredly collapsed back onto the cot once more. Maybe in a couple years, I'd be able to spend an hour outside of the anchor’s obnoxious embrace. My thoughts inevitably began to drift again as I lost the need to focus.

They drifted back to how nice it would be if this just- just ended.

I closed my eyes once more.

— — —

The next day, instead of one of the purple and black armored Gloomguard, Warden Candus brought food down for me. She arrived in all her clothed splendor, her obscured eyes flashing with golden fire as she brought… some kind of pie?

”Jasper, how are you?” The woman politely asked as she brought the pie over and set it down on one of the work tables nearby. 

“Same as usual.” What did she want? It was weird for her to come down to see me. She was the highest-ranked individual on the ship, only tied with the Captain since it was his ship. “Feel hollow and cold. Could I get another blanket?”

The woman looked at the five blankets I already had for a moment. “Ahem, of course... I’ve got good news for you! Two bits, actually.”

”I can go home?” I asked sarcastically, although there was a faint kernel of hope in me that she’d say yes. That I could back to normal.

The Warden froze for a second before sighing deeply. “You know the answer to that… Well, then onto the first bit, yeah? I got word back from an Envoy; the eggheads at the facility you’re being sent to are working on a Reality Anchor Harness, which should let you walk around normally.”

That’s something, I guess… though having to wear a harness at all times just to move and interact like a normal person was… They were making an effort at least. “Thank you.” 

“Of course…” The woman eyed me for a moment before moving over to sit on the cot with me. She patted my back gently as I tried not to flinch away. “Look, I get it. A life with a Flaw is… its hard.”

”Do you? Do you really get it? I can’t even do normal things without- without losing parts of myself!” My voice steadily rose as I talked, spiking in anger. As soon as I got it out, I was immediately slammed with guilt. Taking it out on her... she wasn't at fault.

Warden Candus didn’t immediately reply. She sat for a moment, letting me cage my anger back up. She asked softly as she looked to a corner of the room, “What do you think my Flaw is?”

”I don’t know. You look- you look perfectly fine to me.” 

She raised a hand, looking down at the gloves covering her skin. “I was Graced with Beauty as my Flaw.” 

“That doesn’t sound so bad.” Tons of people would kill to have such an ability. Why was that even considered a flaw when mine was literally being so unstable I couldn’t leave the side of a Reality Anchor?

”I thought so too. At first.” She sadly shook her head.

At first? "What happened?"

She took a deep, shaky breath. “When I originally awoke at just sixteen, I was taken aboard the Cupino. Great Lord above, that was so long ago. Still, I remember it like yesterday.

"After I left my trial, things went south quickly. Just one glimpse at me--just one glimpse of any part of me unclothed, even my hair--was enough to drive every person on that Voidship insane with desire. Back then the Republic did awakening ceremonies with the entire crew- we don't do that anymore.

"Only my Warden at the time could resist my Flaw, but it was her against tens of thousands... By the time rescue arrived, there were only a few people alive on the Cupino. The Voidship had already been adrift for months-” She cut herself off and shook her head.

My head dropped. Dredging up terrible memories like that was never fun. Letting them out of your cage to roam free through your mind as if reliving it all over again-

When she said beauty, she really meant it... Pyre, I really was an ass, huh? Here she was with an actual traumatic story and horrible Flaw, and I was still complaining like a bratty kid about mine. At least mine only affected me. “Sorry.”

She stood up, heading for the door. “What’s in the past is in the past… but trust me, I do understand what you’re going through. Not every Herald’s Flaw is apparently bad, but we all suffer in one way or another… Enjoy your pizza.”

So that’s what that pie was… pizza… Just before she reached the heavy vault door locking me in here, I spoke up. “What’s the other bit of good news?”

Warden Candus cocked her head back towards me. Her tone shifted back to the light and friendly one once more. “Oh, we’re setting off in a few hours. We’re headed for the Garden World Gibor. You’ll be able to get out of here in a couple weeks.”

”Are we that close to the other planet?” A couple weeks- could we even go that far in such a short time? Voidships were fast, but not FTL fast. No- they must be to reach distant systems. How do they even work in the first place? Cinders, my education really was lacking, huh? I'm seriously starting to regret dropping out of the church's program.

“No? Do you… not know what an Umbral Guillotine is?” The woman patiently asked me.

”No?” Umbral- as in Umbra? The shadow dimension with Shades? Guillotine- what does that even mean? They were executing Umbra?

The woman shook her head. “Ask Yor about it next time he’s down here. Should be soon since we’ll be needing the Reality Anchors. I’m off then. Got thirty-nine other newly awakened Heralds to talk to.”

”Right…” I closed my eyes tightly, my mind finally seeming to settle down for the first time since Voth Prime. “And thank you. For... for being patient.” 

She laughed lightly. “No problem, Jasper. "

And with that, she left the room. As I moved to the pizza on the work table, I reorganized my thoughts, cleaning through my mind as I tried to- to figure it all out. To limited success of course.

I picked up the food. How do I eat this? Like pie from the center out? It smelled good, at least. I bit into the pizza-

Cinders! If being a Herald meant access to food this delicious, maybe it all wouldn’t be so bad.