Life: 10. To Skin a Cat

Chapter 10: To Skin a Cat

Selina Kyle
Gotham, NJ, USA

The Gotham City Museum of Natural History was a place of countless treasures. Usually, most of those treasures were only of interest to academics and tourists, but not this time. The curators had arranged for the museum to host a geology exhibit, one with many precious minerals and gems.

Of particular interest to me was the star of the exhibit, the largest cut chrysoberyl in the world. It was nearly five hundred carats and literally priceless, for to put a price on such a gem would itself be unreasonable. Or, that’s what the brochure said.

The chrysoberyl wasn’t the only precious gem in the exhibit of course, but chrysoberyls went by another name: cat’s eye gems. In particular, this one was called the Eye of the Lion, and had been praised for its beauty and uniform luster for centuries. Bringing such a gem into my own backyard, they had to know what they were doing. How could I resist the challenge?

If nothing else, this would be a good way to brush the rust off. These days, it was all about corporate espionage or gathering relationship blackmail for one fat cat or another. Sure, those paid the bills, but it’d been too long since I’d been on a good, old-fashioned heist just to indulge my love of shinies.

I smirked as I perched languidly atop the skylight. What people didn’t seem to understand about heists was that it was a hunt. And like every other hunt, it was ninety percent waiting, ten percent action. I’d been here for an hour and a half now, long enough to watch the guards make their rounds several times.

Four paid attention, if in an amateurish way. One tried hard not to fall asleep and was on his third mug of coffee since I’d seen him. Another shined his flashlight haphazardly whenever he entered a room before finding a corner to play games on his phone.

Naturally, I’d never steal the Eye of the Lion while the lazy guard was around. He was the weak link, but picking on the village idiot was no fun.

When one of the more competent guards passed me by, I turned on one of the speakers I’d hidden throughout this wing of the museum earlier today. A cat meowed off in the next room. It was a bit on the nose, but I did so love my games.

He chased the sound, swearing and muttering about stray cats. Each time he drew near, I turned on another speaker just a bit further away. And when I’d led him out of the exhibit room, I made my move.

I had perhaps two minutes before he engaged his higher brain functions. If nothing else, he couldn’t possibly believe so many cats snuck inside the museum. That was perfect. It was just the right amount of time to give me a decent challenge.

I slunk down into the exhibit floor, landing soundlessly on specially made shoes. The cat’s eye gem was in a glass box, no doubt connected to an electronic alarm.

I had a little gizmo I’d picked up off the black market. There were plenty of Batman copycats, people who thought they could sell gadgets inspired by the Dark Knight for good money. And, they were right. A little gadget that could brute force a nearby lock or disable electronic signals for a few seconds wasn’t hard to find if you knew where to look.

I looked at the glass, then at the jewel. Its body was nearly pitch black, with a vertical, yellow pupil that captivated me. I could imagine the eye calling me, challenging me to be the lion tonight. I thought about making things easy for myself. Then again, the thrill of the chase was part of the fun.

I punched the glass.

The alarm began to wail. I snatched the jewel and slipped it into my hip pouch. It was almost too large to fit, perfect. Just as I turned to leave, I heard the faint whistling of metal cutting through the air.

I leapt back into a handspring as two batarangs pierced the ground where I’d been standing. My main entertainment for the evening had arrived. The Caped Crusader descended, chiseled jawline set in his usual, taciturn frown. With him was the Boy Wonder, looking barely old enough to trick-or-treat without supervision.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the guard peek inside, only to duck back out towards the lobby. He’d clearly decided there were better things to do than interfere now that Batman was here.

Smart man, this was as close to date night as we could manage. Which raised the question: Why would he bring his protege?

“Hello, Bruce~” I purred. We’d long since grown past the mask. There was an understanding born of a dozen nights like these. I eyed the teen with annoyance. “Don’t tell me you brought the little one along to show him the ropes. What? Did his babysitter have the night off?”

“I’ve been in this game for years, Catwoman,” Robin said defensively. Age was such a prickly subject with the poor dear. I remembered the way his voice cracked when he first tried to stop me. It was adorable.

“Have you? My, how the time flies. You’re spoiling date night, champ. Although, I suppose you are at that age. Has Brucie given you the Talk yet?”

“Wha-No!” he exclaimed, face beet red. So easy.

“Really? Well, don’t mind if I do~” I grinned like the Cheshire Cat. “When a tomcat and a pussycat are feeling a little frisky–”

“That’s not what I meant! I don’t need the Talk!”

“Return the gem, Selina,” Bruce said sternly, ignoring the way his student lit up like a Christmas tree. Really, green and red? What was that man thinking?

“Mmm, the way you talk does things to me, Bruce~”

“Selina.”

“Bruce~”

He let out a long sigh and I knew there would be no fun to be had tonight. As was his way, he struck without warning.

He tried to punch me, hard enough to bruise a rib, but a lot softer than I knew he could. Ol’ Brucie had a soft spot for me. I dodged and unfurled my whip. I swung and heard the satisfying crack of displaced air. He ducked before its tip could tear through his chiseled jaw. I knew he’d avoid it of course, my man wasn’t that inept.

He kicked and punched. I hissed and scratched. More than just a battle between hero and villain, it was akin to a waltz, a dance both familiar and long since mastered. At this point, it may as well count as foreplay.

Until, the Boy Wonder felt the need to interject himself. He tossed his own, red batarang (birdarang?) at me while I was mid-sumersault, perfectly aligned with my trajectory to snip the pouch from my belt. He had skill, I’d give him that much, but it was so rude to interrupt. Didn’t he know that this was how Brucie and I caught up?

I used the handle of my whip tno deflect the projectile but he took that chance to close the distance.  A string of attacks with a collapsible bo staff followed as I landed. And when I dodged that, Bruce was there to pressure me into a corner.

I growled in annoyance. Not only was date night ruined, the brat was irritatingly good, not that I expected anything less of the Bat’s protege. I wasn’t sure if I could get away from them both at this rate.

Then, I had a wonderful idea. Recently, I’d gotten my hands on a certain bookmark that had all the socialites and money-grubbing fat cats in a tizzy. It could supposedly summon a devil, a real-life devil who would grant your wish, provided you could pay the price.

I couldn’t say I wasn’t curious, but curiosity killed the cat. So, I waited for someone else to take the bait. I knew the bookmark was honest when so many of my social circle experienced miraculous recoveries. Not all of them traded wealth for a cure-all either, but the story was always the same: A touch of magic for payment, and not the “eternal damnation” kind.

What if I summoned the devil here? Distracting the two while I escaped wouldn’t be too expensive, surely.

I turned a spinning backflip into a series of handsprings that carried me across the exhibit room. Before they could catch up to me, I pulled out the bookmark and gave the boys a cheeky wave. I saw them both stiffen. They knew about the bookmarks then, unsurprising.

“If you’re going to make date night a ménage à trois, I don’t see why I shouldn’t invite a dance partner for the little bird,” I purred.

“Selina, don’t,” Batman called. Before he could do more to stop me, I tore the bookmark.

There was the distinct sound of striking matches, as if someone had taken an entire box’s worth and rubbed them down all at the same time. A shower of golden sparks rose into the air, spreading out to form a burning magic circle, a larger replica of the one that had been on the bookmark. Though I stood so close to the circle, there wasn’t much heat. It was warm, like a mug of hot chocolate.

The curtain of cinders was parted by a pair of blazing wings. When the light faded, I saw an impossibly handsome man in an immaculately tailored suit. He looked out over us all with a confident smirk. It was the face of a man who thought he was invincible, though I’d imagine he had more reason to think that than most. Gorgeous, but not my type, more like an art piece to be admired than the rugged, broody knight I preferred.

He spread his wings out wide, the air pressure of his wingbeat scattering the cinders. He gestured grandly, ribbons of flame trailing behind his hands, and declared to the world his stupidity: “Tweet tweet, motherfuckers!”

“Ah, crud,” Robin grumbled. “I got Tweety, Batman. You go do… whatever you do with Catwoman.”

A nickname? So they knew each other already. I muttered softly, “Well, this should be interesting.”

X

Rigal Phenex

I didn’t get summoned nearly as often as Max did. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to put myself out there; most people were simply too weak to summon a high class devil. The determining factor was demonic energy.

As a newly reincarnated devil, Max didn’t have much of it, while I was born with a relatively large amount even among my peers. Potential summoners needed a lot more ambition, a lot more desire, to summon me than him. Which was why I was surprised when I felt the familiar tug of the summoning magic activate. Curious, I set down my nightly reading material and allowed the spell to take hold.

I appeared amidst a customary whirlwind of blazing feathers. I didn’t insist on that flashy entrance because I was a shameless attention-whore who enjoyed grandstanding.

Okay, not just because I was an attention-whore. It set a far more lighthearted tone than whatever grimdark bullshit people expected, especially here in Gotham.

Really, I’d been summoned to dark basements lit by red candles and altars draped with black cloth far too often. It was a tossup whether the summoner would be drinking wine from a “goat skull” found in a costume shop. I wasn’t about that. Gimme an ice cream sundae and a comfy lounge chair, damnit.

The flurry also allowed me to shock my summoner and take stock of the situation. Naturally, I could see through my own flames. Those few seconds of surprise could be vital, especially if said summoner was being attacked and required my protection.

I could guess the backstory well enough just by seeing the main actors tonight. Clearly, Catwoman was busy being her usual klepto-kitty self and the bat-fam had shown up to stop her. She’d then torn the bookmark to even the numbers.

Respectable decision, but I wouldn’t be Rigal Phenex if I didn’t fuck with her.

“Tweet tweet, motherfuckers!” I shouted happily, arms spread wide as if I was the ringmaster at a circus.

“Ah, crud. I got Tweety, Batman. You go do… whatever you do with Catwoman,” Robin sighed.

I placed a hand over my heart in mock offense. “You don’t look very happy to see me, bird-bro.”

“That’s because I’m not! Can you not make a mess this time?”

“Ehehe, maybe? So…” I made a show of looking around at tonight’s cast. “Should I have shown up in a fursuit? I think I have one for Big Bird somewhere.”

“Why would you–”

“I mean, no offense, but I kinda feel like I’m at a furry convention. Do I need a fursona to hang out with you, Rob? I feel like I need a fursona.”

“Just… Just stay out of this, please?”

“So, whiskers,” I said, turning to Catwoman with a cheery grin. “What can the great, mighty, and dashingly handsome Tweety do for you today? And more importantly, what are you going to give me for doing it?”

“Keep them busy,” she snapped as she turned to run.

I briefly weighed my options. On one hand, it wasn’t a hard ask. Even if I didn’t want to seriously hurt them, keeping the two occupied was well within my abilities.

On the other hand, my meal ticket was literally running out the door. Somehow, I doubted she’d summon me again for my payment when she got to her safehouse. She was exactly the type of person who’d stiff me on a favor, claiming that the contract wasn’t valid because we’d never finalized the terms of payment.

And strictly speaking, she’d be right. I sometimes waived the full agreement when someone’s life was in danger, as with the Zsasz scenario, but this wasn’t an emergency. I couldn’t have her welching on me. It was a bad look and I had a rep to keep.

I supposed I could stalk her for a few weeks, ruin her civilian life and bring her “misfortune” as punishment. That could be a viable message to send to others, but that sounded like a ton of extra work, even if pranking such an iconic villainess could be hilarious.

So, I snapped my fingers and produced a single spark. That spark grew until it took the form of a bird that perched on my hand. The bird stood a foot long and when it opened its beak, its tongue extended like a whip.

“Hellfire Flicker,” I said, laughing. I stretched out my hand and its tongue lashed out like a whip. Thin and glowing hot, it nearly wrapped around Catwoman before she leapt away.

“What’s the big idea?” she demanded. She struggled for a bit before giving up trying to brute force my spell.

“We haven’t discussed payment, and you seem like the sort to stiff me,” I said with a shrug.

“Hah,” Robin barked out a laugh. “He’s got you there.”

“I’m not going to stiff you!”

Hellfire was a notoriously finicky variant of the fire element. Although I was praised for my control, even I couldn’t fully eliminate the heat it gave off. I didn’t know what sort of protection she had built into her suit, but it wouldn’t hold for long. The material was already smoking.

With a flick of my wrist, I brought her back towards me. “So, you want to escape?”

“Yes. You know, I’m usually the one that ties people up at night,” she purred seductively. “Don’t you think this is moving a little fast?”

“Well? What do I get out of helping you?” I asked. Batman and Robin threw their not-shurikens at me, but a swirling gale deflected them away.

“Why don’t you help me out and find out, champ?” she said, pressing herself flush against me.

I wasn’t unfamiliar with women, especially not after that sixteenth birthday trip Uncle Riser and Uncle Issei took me on. It was memorable, memorable enough that mother kicked them both out of the house and didn’t allow them back inside the manor for two years.

During that birthday bash, I once saw two men enter the priciest entertainment venue in Lilith. They both swore the same woman was their soulmate. They were ready to duel to the death for her honor, never mind that she herself only cared about their wallets. She took them aside and spoke with them. And five minutes later, the two had agreed to mortgage their homes and firstborns for another hour of her time.

Selina Kyle was certainly attractive, ravishing even, but that was by mortal standards. Compared to the women who fleeced devil lords for a living, she was a rank amateur.

I held her aloft by the armpits like an unruly kitten. “No.”

“No? We can come to an agreement, surely.”

“No, I mean you’re mediocre at the seduction thing.”

“Excuse me?” she hissed with indignant offense.

“I expected better from the famed femme fatale,” I said with a disappointed sigh. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re not bad, but you’re no Rias Gremory. Like, for starters, your outfit.”

“And what’s wrong with my outfit?” she asked, voice dangerously low. I was pretty sure I’d have offended her less had I drowned a kitten in front of her.

I gave her an obvious once-over and clicked my tongue dismissively. “It’s sexy as hell, but you’re trying too hard. I get it, most people only ever see a glimpse of you and you want to make an impression. But still, most people don’t matter. If you really want to wow a target, you should remember that men like a little mystery, Selina.”

“This is mystery! I am the definition of the femme fatale!”

“Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact outfit at a BDSM store, kitty ears included.”

Her mouth opened and shut like a fish. I’d done it. I’d managed to deal psychic damage to Catwoman.

She hissed and tried to claw at my face. When she couldn’t do that, she slashed my wrists but her claws caught against my skin without leaving a scratch.

“Uh… Bats?” Robin asked hesitantly. He was supposed to be attacking me so his mentor could deal with Catwoman, but our conversation had completely stolen his attention. “What are we looking at?”

“I don’t know, but it stops now.” So saying, the bastard chucked another batarang at me.

It flew off course of course, but it wasn’t just a fancy Halloween prop. I realized too late that the inside had been hollowed, with a sprayer nozzle attached to each wingtip.

The liquid arced through the air in all directions. My wind sphere deflected most of it, but a few drops splashed on my hands.

“Gah!” I yelped, tossing Catwoman to the ground. “Is that holy water?”

“From the most faithful,” he confirmed. He was as stoic as ever, but even he couldn’t hide a smug smirk at catching me off guard.

“Okay, yeah, I should’ve expected that,” I grumbled. I strengthened my wind shield and picked my cat up by the scruff of her neck again. “Seriously though, I’m going to need payment before this bitch stiffs me. Let’s say three favors to avoid jail, kitten.”

“What? No! You’re doing me one favor,” she yelled back indignantly.

“Yes, but you’re desperate and I’m not.”

“This is blackmail.”

“It is. And I’m a devil. Most people are smart enough to not summon me in combat unless they’re truly out of options. It keeps me from taking advantage of the circumstances.”

“What happened to an equivalent exchange?” she griped.

“‘Equivalent’ meaning both sides are free to make the deal without undue coercion.”

“I feel pretty damn coerced right now!”

“You got yourself into this mess; I didn’t make the situation measurably worse. But now that you mention it, teleportation out of here is an exclusive service. I should charge more. Four favors.”

“Bullshit!”

“Language. Five favors for being a rude kitty, and I’ll even let you keep whatever you took from the museum.”

I saw Batman toss a few more batarangs, only for the holy water to be completely deflected by my improved shield. He then began to tap something on his utility belt, no doubt a secret contingency he had just for me.

She must have seen it too because she yelped, “Three! Three favors and I can keep the gem!”

“Done,” I replied with a cheerful grin. I gave the two bat-fam a quick salute as my teleportation circle bloomed beneath my feet. “Remember, batbrat, you too can have this guaranteed security for your team.”

“This is so lame,” Robin complained. “Please tell me we have something to stop him from doing that, Batman.”

His mentor’s silence was answer enough. I gave them one last wave as the spell took hold. “Tweety, out.”

Author’s Note

Filler. But hopefully it made you guys chuckle.

I don’t know why, but I see Catwoman as someone who loves the chase more than she wants a clean job. She wouldn’t have the constant back and forth with Batman otherwise.

Batman… didn’t try too hard to catch Rigal. I don’t know how canonical it is, but he doesn’t strike me as the type of person who cares too much about theft. He’s always got bigger priorities and he and Catwoman have an understanding. If anything, he mostly wanted to see that the holy water Zatara provided him would work.

Animal Fact: “Hellfire Flicker” is named after the northern flicker, a bird in the woodpecker family. It has the longest tongue among all birds and unlike most woodpeckers, it spends a lot of time on the ground, probing anthills for food. Also, yes, all of Rigal’s “Hellfire” constructs are named after birds.