Captain Morgan 7.5

The Adventures of Captain Morgan 7.5

♦ Topic: Star Guardian Private Chat
In: Boards ► Private
Captain Morgan (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

[Whisperwind] has been added to the chat.

[Arson is Okay Sometimes] has been added to the chat.

[Hopeful Crown] has been added to the chat.

Yo. I made this so the FNGs can ask questions. We can use this to keep tabs on Rifts and whatnot, too. Just don't use this to pass notes in class because if you blow up my phone for stupid reasons, I'm going to give you a vodka enema.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Huh... Neat. Hell yeah, Demolitions Expert!

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Really, Morgan? I am not the team mom.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

T-Team leader? Me? I'm not ready for this!

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Welcome all. What Janna said about the glamor got me thinking and I decided to fuck around with it some more. No one can trace any of our activities to us as long as we remain Star Guardians, right?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Don't commit any crimes, Morgan. Conventional authorities might not be able to hold you accountable, but I will.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Relax, I just got myself a mod position and made a chatroom. You gotta admit, it's pretty helpful. Or is the internet too "new age" for you, ancient one?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Breathing is indeed a privilege…

Fine, whatever. So long as your degeneracy only extends to stupid tags.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Hah! Death threats already? Didn't think she had it in her.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Please don't fight... A-And, what's an FNG?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

You. You're the FNG. Jinx, too. It's military slang for the "Fucking New Guy."

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Go fuck yourself. Don’t think I won’t abuse a midget.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

O-Oh... And what's an enema?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Don't you dare tell her.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Fine, fine, we can spare her poor, innocent eyes. Anyway, questions? Other than about my language choices?

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

I got one. Why are you a boy?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Well, sexual dimorphism in humans is determined by the X and Y chromosomes and is defined by the presence of the male reproductive organs, namely the penis and testes. Cock and balls. Bait and tackle. Hotdog and hush puppies. The family jewels. Mi cojones. Cucumber and plums. 

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

I meant why you're a male Star Guardian, you fuckhead. All the ones we read about are women. Care to tell us something?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Heh. Actually, there are other male Star Guardians out there. But you're not wrong to ask.

For whatever reason, the First Star prefers to anoint women, usually young girls around your age. I’m a bit of an exception. I was only twelve when I was anointed, and I’m a dude.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Huh... Wait, we’re immortal, right? Does that mean you'll be a little manlet forever?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

It does. He's very sensitive about that. You could say he has a "short" temper.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Laugh it up. I'm sure there's an aging spell somewhere. Next question.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Speaking of spells, can we learn more? I know I've only been a Star Guardian for a few days, but I feel like I should be able to do more than just shoot lasers and make barriers. Janna, you learned enchantment magic, right? Was it hard?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

It was more challenging than I expected.

As you know, mages who are not Star Guardians exist. The difference between us and them is that we were anointed by the First Star. In exchange for granting our wish, we are given a bit of the First Star's light to vanquish the Void. Our powers are shaped by our wishes and our desires.

Because of this, where many normal mages have "affinities" towards certain elements or disciplines, the affinities of Star Guardians are likewise shaped by our wishes. In short, I can perform any wind-based spell at will, no matter how difficult it would be for a normal mage.

However, the further a spell deviates from the nature of my wish, the more difficult it is to learn. Unrelated elements will not have the First Star's light, and so will not be any more effective than a spell cast by a normal mage. This means that, for example, I cannot harm a voidling with a fireball even though I know how to make one. Enchantment was tricky for me because it has nothing to do with wind magic.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Sounds complicated. I think I'll stick to my guns. You can’t go wrong with more dakka.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

That's probably for the best. Not only are spells often less effective than the power of our wishes, they are relatively more costly in terms of mana expended. Many Star Guardians choose to become specialists rather than general archmages.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

I’ve got a question. Where do our clothes go when we transform?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

They go to the First Star. If you must, think of it like a portable locker that you can summon at will. You use it naturally when you transform, but you can learn to control this feature with some effort.

For example, I store novels I've enjoyed in the past. I have quite the collection. If you’d like reading recommendations, I’d be happy to oblige.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Yup. It's really convenient. You can use it to shoplift without getting caught, cheat at homework, smuggle contraband, hide murder weapons, steal underwear, hide porn mags in school, loot all the toilet paper in a public bathroom, randomly move furniture around really quickly to drive people insane, steal a tire off a car… all sorts of fun things.

Or you can be boring and collect books like a nerd. Personally? I often use it to supply parties with booze. This and the glamor is why none of the teachers can prove anything.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Please don’t be a criminal…

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Can you hear that? You're making her cry, you monster.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

As you can see, keeping an eye on Morgan is a full-time job. On the plus side, he’s usually harmless so long as he’s buzzed.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

I mean, it's not like I've ever hidden my alcoholism. Besides, Lux, you liked the iced tea.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

No! Begone, foul tempter!

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Whatever. Any other questions for us?

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Actually, yeah. Now that I can think about it, I've seen you around with your gourd a ton. How come you can have it out all the time even when you're not transformed? Is it hard?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

No? Just wish for it. Your wand is a part of you now, Lux. I keep my gourd out because I can transform the contents into whatever I want so long as it's at least a little bit alcoholic. I get to have lots of different drinks. I mean, I still keep a few bottles in my pocket space, but the gourd is really convenient.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Before you ask, you can have your wand out, too. No one will recognize you. At best, they’ll just think it’s a very well-made prop. I simply don't bother because my staff is a little unwieldy outside of combat. You'll notice that Morgan does not carry his hatchets, either.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Yup. Just do what makes you happy. Or whatever’s convenient. The glamor’s really powerful and seems to have no hard and fast rules beyond making life easier for us.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

O-Oh, what about our outfits? Can I wear it but be recognized as Luxanna Crownguard?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Why would you want that?

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Cosplay. It's cosplay. She’s going to go to a nerd convention to nerd out with her all her fellow nerds over how sparkly her outfit is.

Look, I don't think you understand how obsessed with Star Guardians Lux is. Saying she’s a fan is like saying the sun is a little warm or Morgan is a little… little.

[Here's] a picture of Lux's room. See the stuffed toys of your mascots. And you. She paid some guy on the internet three months of her allowance to make statues of you out of modeling clay. The only reason she doesn’t have a shrine is because her mom said that was going too far.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Jinx! You can’t tell them that!!

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Why? Am I wrong? Besides, were’t you going to get all your SG merch signed? Hell, you can sign your own merch now.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Well… That would be really cool…

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Far be it for me to judge your hobbies.

It's ultimately about intent. If you mean to be recognized, you will be recognizable. If you do not, you will not be. I recommend you speak with your Star Conduit. They are the experts in glamor.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Yes! Thank you, Janna!

Wait, what about autographs? Is there a rule that says we don't give them out?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Do what you want, Lux. Really, I don't bother because I have a very small social battery and people annoy me, especially the middle-aged women who pat my head and try to give me candy. There is no rule against you being a social butterfly.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Bet that's not the only thing "small" about you.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Wow. A dick joke? I thought we were trying to preserve Lux’s innocence or something.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

She’s not that innocent. There was one time that we had to make a two minute nature documentary in third grade. She somehow managed to catch two minutes of squirrels fucking, red rocket and all.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Jinx!!!

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Heh. Your face is on fire, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not like that’s something to be ashamed of, pinky. Just embrace the dickery. Literally.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

I hate you sometimes…

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Okay, fine, moving on: What's the dumbest thing you've ever done with your powers?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

I am learning to whistle without whistling. I can't quite get the notes right.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

She's lying. She’s ancient. As in, she was a “veteran” back before the Valoran Cluster was a thing. She’s literally older than dirt. She tries to pull off the elegant big sister act, but she can be surprisingly silly. I guarantee you she’s done dumber things than that.

The dumbest thing I've seen her do with her power is accidentally blowing panties off a clothesline. The owner saw and she was so embarrassed that she flew off, still holding them in her hands.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

That never happened.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

You’ve graduated from panty flasher to panty thief. I've got the photos to prove it.

I remember you had to go back and place the panties on their veranda in the middle of the night. You even ironed them because you felt bad.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Didn't. Happen.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Holy shit, hahahaha.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Jinx! Don't laugh! That sounds super embarrassing!

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Your words are appreciated in the intent they were given.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

How about you, midget? Done anything stupid?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Every day. I don’t think you truly understand: My superpower is being drunk. I get stronger the drunker I am. Janna knows plenty of stupid shit I've done, but she can't embarrass me with any of it because I've got zero shame.

That's one piece of sincere advice I'll give you. You know, as your senpai in Star Guardian-ing and whatnot: Don't take things too seriously. Get your jollies where you can and don't think too hard about how silly you look. Life's more fun that way.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

You could stand to have a bit more shame, Morgan.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

And give you material? Never.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

W-Wow… Morgan really is a bad role model.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Lies. I’m a great role model.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

He’s… not bad… in small doses. His heart’s in the right place and he can be surprisingly insightful and considerate beneath the crass humor.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Aww, love you too, Janna.

Say, did you ever finish that Guide to Voidlings pamphlet you were going to make?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Oh! Yes, I did! They should have [this]. Please read this in your spare time. You should know what you’re up against.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

No fucking way. You’re giving us homework?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Homework that can keep you alive, red. Jokes aside, that pamphlet might be the single most important thing you’ll ever read. Janna knows her shit.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Still! It’s homework!

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Woah, some of these look really scary. I was flipping through and saw the [beholder]. It’s got tentacles and shoots death rays.

Have you fought one before, Janna?

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

I have. The greatest of their kind is a full-fledged Voidborn named Vel’Koz. He is malicious and inquisitive, seeking to study all life.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

That doesn’t sound so bad.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

It wouldn’t be, except Vel’Koz wants to study all life like scientists study insects. By dissecting them and pinning them to display boards. If he’d even bother with that much. Usually, it’s disintegration and incorporation into his data archives.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Yes, that… I didn’t know you knew about beholders, Morgan.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Not beholders in general, just Vel’Koz. It’s a name worth remembering.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

For all the wrong reasons.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Wait, tentacles?

I’m not down for being a Star Guardian anymore. I know how this genre goes.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Genre?

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Wow, Jinx… Care to share with the rest of the class?

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Shit. Nope. I’m out. Time for bed.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

I don’t get it. Morgan, what’s she talking about?

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE, MORGAN!

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

I wasn’t going to.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

I’m a little curious myself.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Okay, her, I don’t care. But Lux must never know.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Agreed.

Janna, PM’d you something.

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

…

…

…

That is revolting. I’m sorry I asked…

Lux must never know.

►Arson is Okay Sometimes (Verified Star Guardian) (Verified Delinquent) (Demolitions Expert)

Lux must never know.

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Lux must never know.

And thus, the pact is sealed.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

You guys are so mean! Teammates aren’t supposed to have inside jokes without including everyone!

►Captain Morgan (Original Poster) (Verified Star Guardian) (Drunk as a Skunk) (Allergic to Responsibility)

Not a joke. We promise.

You know what? Jinx is right. Time for bed.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

Morgan!

►Whisperwind (Verified Star Guardian) (Breathing is a Privilege) (Team Mom)

Yes, sleep is important. Good night, everyone.

►Hopeful Crown (Verified Star Guardian) (Too Cute to Bully) (Team Leader)

You too, Janna?

Author’s Note

Have a gag chapter.

Chatroom, but only for Star Guardians, part of a broader forum. It’ll probably expand as we add new members.

Animal Fact: Platypuses do not have stomachs. Instead, they have a small, pouch-like organ where their stomach should be. Unlike your stomach, this organ does not secrete hydrochloric acid. Instead, it secretes a mucus that lubricates the intestines and assists in digestion.

They don’t have teeth, either. Platypuses chew on rocks to grind prey down. Their longer-than-average intestines slowly digest the crushed prey via enzymes, not stomach acid.