Naked forest

Once I had come across an artist, his paintings I loved very much, I would look at them for a long time and when I finally saw him in person , I felt him so close, as a relic inside me. I had never ever felt that before, I had never been so much impressed and amazed and may be that happened due to the circumstances iI had to dial with and the constant wonders I had and eventually I met him and came to the idea that I wanted to be him, but it was not about being an artist. I just wanted ... I mean, anything I do or desire , create - I want the same to happen to me, I want people to look at me and my art and get inspired, amazed, fascinated and start to go on their own directions. I want to place in them the desire to grow. Yeah, that’s it. That’s the meaningful I wanted to tell you about. And just in one day I woke up, I used to live in St. Petersburg then, not far from the Gulf of Finland and there was a forest where I used to go running or walking. The lake would froze in winters, I remember, I used to walk there a lot. Really a lot. And I guess this combination of urbanism, the city and the moment you enter the forest, it seems as if it has something to say, I mean it’s like you go on and take off the city that anyways stays behind your back and won’t disappear and will have that pressure on you. If I had to turn the flat picture over, we could see the city with its buildings, lights and walking strangers on the top, me overstepping the path away from the pavement, still having the city behind with its high pressure on me - in the middle. And then you end up in the forest , through which you find your way to the lake and then you have the forest behind you and forget completely about the city‘s existence at all.

Anyway, you do know you have to get back there , and this feeling of being pulled back and the same time your strong desire to take off the clothes and go to swim in the lake or just run...

I think there’s something about that feeling and I’ve been through them not once or twice, I used to run both in the mornings and evening and would finish my days with walking there too.

I was 20 that time and I was ready to it as... well I guess I’ll tell you about that period when i lived in St Petersburg perhaps next time. It took about two years there, the first I studied in Uni, during the second I had that period I just told you about. So, well yeah, by the last year there I practically lived alone with no contacts with people at all and I thought really a lot about things like who I am and what I actually need. So at the end of that strong period of „who I am“ I started to go to the forest and I guess those changes and incompleteness of it had great impact on me and I eventually understood I wanted to be a nude model. I have no idea if it actually has anything to do with it but of course I’m going to tell you more about it. I wanted to be photographed, to be a model and ... then I started to do that and look for people who could do that. And that is going next.

It is such a phenomenal moment and I want to tell you about it right now because at this moment when I look back I realize what has happened to me and how I even managed to get through all that and even now there is such filth I still have no choice but struggle with , real filth, emotional abuse and I suppose any person of sensitivity, any person of art can understand me, it’s when you with you fucking insane, crazy, shocking and awesome ideas , in your early twenties , young and just like starting to get your place in life and leave behind you youthful high spirits about life and when art - it’s something new, unknown for you, and it has those high spirits in it. How it usually happens : it’s not like people are getting sick of you constantly saying „oh this is my art, whatever it is“ and you have this enormous great love and expectations and you get engaged into it so much and then it’s just like...

If only I could describe it in some other ways, it’s like you realize one day that there must be some wonderful world, not the paradise of inactions but a wonderful , perfect in some points, and even mystical, with its moving talking trees, mermaids, or whatever, I mean anything. So you get there and right when you start to act in that world you realize that everything what is left of this world - it’s only the blissful idea. And the following 5 years you have to fight for it, than die, than resurrect and on the row... I guess that’s what we call the reality.

But it’s not the first time when I come across this type of things, I mean art ideas , I see it and say “yeah cool it’s perfect and I love it , just as I saw it, it’s my thing , let’s start making , let’s create it”. And then I see that they just... It’s like you get into a twister , it doesn’t make sense anymore and lose you sight, get hit with things that go round this twister and you just think, maybe I’m dead, I’ve lost myself and than you stop and say everyone “fuck off, okay, I have nothing to do with you” , “you don’t get to have anything to do with me” and then I just get out of this twister and start doing anything on my own. That’s it.

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