[Short Story] Waking Up While Drunk In A Dungeon

The realm was in an uproar. A famous dungeon, unbeatable by even the greatest of heros, had been cleared. Now, those in the know weren’t too shocked. This was a HappyAfter server that catered to those looking for a power fantasy. Though the LAIs acting as locals didn’t know that and didn’t remember the last time it happened, which was all that mattered.

Locked AIs however weren’t the only ones surprised by this turn of events. The admins and other superusers of this instance were quite shocked as well. In an unassuming mansion just outside the city built up around said dungeon, a bunch of workers in office wear are rushing around as the people in charge gather in a retro war room with all the screens and such.

They did not need the archaic setup, but they thought it was cool and so spent a bit extra on it. Nevermind the dissonance between the medieval city in the distance and a pop culture relic hidden by the facade of a period appropriate nobles estate.

Anyway, it was a chaotic mess when a bearfolk in the bottom half of a suit with a tank top steps into the room. “What in all the realms just happened? I was getting ready for an event so someone better have a stellar explanation for all of this!”

A bunch of beings around the room pause, look at one another, and with a gesture log out of this instance. This leaves a skeleton crew and one kobold in a sloppy outfit who approached the man. “Hey! Boss, so uh, not our fault.”

The bearfolk rubs his temple with one hand and waves away a lady antkin who was coming over to hand him a drink. “I don’t want to know who is at fault! What. The. Fuck. HAPPENED!”

The kobold taps his teeth with a claw, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. “Well, we don’t know. Or rather, we know the basics, but that won’t add anything. Someone conquered the dungeon and it wasn’t a customer. We aren’t even sure who it was, honestly.”

The bearfolk growls, “There should be a log! Who entered the damn dungeon and isn’t accounted for?!”

The kobold lets out a half-hearted laugh, “Yes, we should have a log.”

The bearfolk squints his eyes, “Should?”

The kobold tries to straighten his shirt, but fails as the buttons are off by one. “Yeah, as in there is supposed to be one, but we haven’t found it.”

The bearfolk breaths in, holds it for the count of ten, and releases before he says anything. “Then what have we been filling out our paperwork with? We record every customer that has entered the experience, including stuff like when they first enter the dungeon and so on. How have we been filling that out of there isn’t a lot? We better not have been lying on the paperwork!”

The kobold shrugs and gestures to an elf frantically tapping away at their keyboard. “Hey, Electric-Leaf-on-the-Winds, mind explaining to the boss how we’ve been filling out the reports despite not having a log right now?”

The elf freezes and the bearfolk squints at the back of their head, “Yes, Electric-Leaf, as the person in charge of record keeping, would you mind informing me of why it seems we aren’t keeping records?”

Electric-Leaf spins their office chair around to face the boss. “Well, there is a log. We have it! It is, in fact, right on my screen at this very moment. It’s just that, it um, has too much information on it.

“The log isn’t for when people enter the dungeon. Rather, it records everything that goes through the dungeon’s entrance. This is to prevent someone sneaking in by tricking our system into thinking they’re not a person or some such. Except air is constantly passing back and forth.”

The bearfolk sighs, “Then how in the world do we even get the customers information?”

The elf shrugs, “A combination of knowing what we’re looking for and knowing when. Every customer is monitored 24/7 to prevent shenanigans so we can clip out the second when their information goes into the log.”

The kobold steps in front of the elf at this point. “All we can do is wait and see. Whoever conquered the dungeon outside of business hours will have to leave, eventually.”

The bearfolk closes his eyes in frustration. “Just keep an eye on things!”

Outside of the mansion, the rest of the realm isn’t any better. People are running around, beings from all over rush to the capital, and the guy playing the role of king makes some angry calls to the control center while in his private office.

He had just been placed as king to live the fantasy of a ruler, at least until someone conquerors the dungeon. Except the dungeon was just conquered when he should have had at least a year living in luxury.

All the while mythical beings teleport in to bear witness to this monumental event! Some of them are even actual beings and not just scripted LAI. Which is a bit of a problem because the capital isn’t designed to fit everyone. They only planned for the scripted visitors and maybe ten percent of the sapient population, not nearly three-quarters.

All the inns are full. Every wall, tower, and tall building has some mythical flying creatures roosted on it. Everything from the well-known dragons and phoenixes, to more niche creatures like flying snakes, sky whales, and even a floating island. Thankfully, there are magical enchantments spread through the city for this circumstance, which shrinks everyone down to a more reasonable size.

This isn’t just needed for the enormous sky whales and such. It also goes to work on the various giants and beasts of prodigious size. Oh, and the reverse is true for those too small, even if those examples are less obvious and have the option to shrink back down.

Then, without noticing, half a day passes. Everyone has gathered as the capital, all eyes on a swirling purple portal in the middle of the town square. In normal times, it would be nearly transparent. At the moment, not only is it quite a vivid shade, there are bits of blue and red lightning flaring off of it.

Unlike with the beings and LAIs, for the people back in the control room,  time drags. Tick tick tick, as they wait to find out what happened. Electric-Leaf’s team has all logged back in and are combing through the dungeon entrance log, but nothing comes up. The bearfolk in charge had even taken the time to leave and come back having changed into sweatpants.

The king, on the other hand, has gone from frantic to relaxed. Support has promised him that because of this problem, he gets to either keep the position for another round or may choose a similar level experience elsewhere. And while being a king that doesn’t need to do anything is fun, he is leaning towards a new experience.

Of course, eventually all this tension needs to be released and that comes in the form of a drunk catkin stumbling out of the portal. It seems as if the entire world has gone silent, only to be interrupted by the sound of the catkin lady bending over and rediscovering what she had for dinner last night. Two of the closer spectators seem about to step forward to help her, when a wave of magic sweeps over her, cleaning away dinners past and the blood and grime people just now realized was there.

She stumbled a bit before standing upright. “I did it, y’all. Zis means I win da bet! Heh, shows them! Copper for my thought? I wouldn’t offer them that kind of deal, wouldn’t want to overpay!” The catkin stumbles again and falls on her butt before curling up and going to sleep.

Before anyone in the crowd can get ideas, a screen of fire surrounds her. Well, it looks like fire, but that is only for visuals. Otherwise it wouldn’t be visible, because this is an admin barrier.

Back in the control room the bearfolk has turned apocalyptic. “WHO IS THAT?! They’re not on the list of approved players. Not in the least bit!”

The kobold assistant has dropped his calm demeanor. “I do not recognize them and I should know about every outside being in this instance! Where did they come from?”

No one has the answer for a good five minutes before one worker hesitantly approaches the kobold. Their tail tightly held against their body, “They, uh, I think they’re a legacy.”

The room freezes and the bearfolk turns to the kobold, “We don’t have any legacy AI.”

The kobold nods, “Our scenario complies with all the proper checks and guards against such a thing. There is a reason we use people for certain positions, like the king.”

The bearfolk gestures at the screen, “Then why am I being told we have a legacy AI that just completed the dungeon?”

Electric-Leaf puts their hand on the kobold’s shoulder before speaking. “I’ll start by making sure our discussion complies with the nomenclature required for the situation. When we are saying legacy AI, we mean nascent AI.”

The elf waits for everyone in the room to acknowledge what he just said before continuing. “Now, while our infrastructure was designed exclusively with LAI, it also was not designed to keep out NAI. In part because the law doesn’t require it and mostly because we could make more money this way. After all, while we do not make use of NAI, it is common for a customer, from now on referred to as a ‘hero’, to have a party.

“Except, the number of people who fantasize about being a camp hanger-on to the hero instead of being the hero themselves is very out of whack. Nevermind the fact that most heros will want at least three party members. The SAI Collective agreed to provide NAI with the express purpose of hopefully raising up more NAI into full-fledged SAI. And so we allow them.”

The bearfolk rolls his eyes, “I understand the need for having that on the record, but old history is old. Those are legacies that arrive and leave with a customer. We don’t even have a customer in this instance! Where did they come from?”

The elf shrugs, “We’re still looking. Though it should be easier now that we have a lock on them. However, you might want to get in contact with the SAIC and the UH.”

The bearfolk facepalms, “Why would I need to contact the Union of Heroics?”

The elf gestures at the screen, “Well, they seem to be getting the hero’s welcome. Better get them in early than suffer a penalty for being too late.”

The bearfolk is about to respond when he seems to think of something. Whatever it was, seemed to make him quite worried. “Yes, I’ll call the UH. Keep everything running while I’m away.”

The elf and kobold glance at each other and shrug before getting back to work.

While that happens, the events outside have come to a standstill. The admin barrier around the suspected NAI has kept people away, though it doesn’t block sound and so a number of native beings and LAI have been calling out to try and make deals or promise rewards. The beings do this because they can tell something strange is happening and want in on it. The LAIs because they don’t have a choice. When someone conquerors the dungeon, they have to offer rewards.

This continues on for about five hours as the catkin fitfully sleeps the booze off. After which she stretches and yawns. Though as soon as she is awake, she clutches her hands over her ears. Everyone has started to yell when they saw her waking up and that doesn’t combine very well with a hangover.

One minor healing spell later and she shakes her head. A quick look around causes her eyes to go wide. “Heyo! What’s this? Where’s Darren? He said he’d stick around for me to give this a shot. I did it though! I won the damn bet!

“Bring out Darren and his blond bimbo squad. Able to handle things without a scout? Can’t handle my attitude? Well, I don’t need you either! Where. Is. Darren!” And she starts to breathe heavily. Not crying, but anyone with eyes can tell it is a close thing.

Back in the control room the elf is yelling, “Get me all you can on anyone named Darren! None of the LAIs recognize the name and it looks like the other beings there don’t either. We have a clue, so crack this case open!”

A gryphon over to the side, working on a special desktop to accommodate their body suddenly has all their feathers and fur stand on end. “Eyy, E-Leaf! Got a hit over here.”

Electric-Leaf turns to the gryphon, “You’re on the customer database? What have you found?”

The gryphon taps at the computer, but in frustration, pulls the image off the screen and tosses it at the elf.

He rolls his eyes at the gryphon breaking character and puts the image onto his screen. They might be paid to keep up the illusion, but sometimes being a little lax if something important is happening is required. And speaking of lax, it looks like someone was lax about five cycles ago.

As he scrolls through an after action report of the “hero” Daren, Electric-Leaf notices a very annoying discrepancy. Sure, he arrived with four party members and left with four. However, at the same time, he seems to have left with one of the generic thirst trap LAIs. Which means he didn’t leave with the same people he arrived with. And what do you know? The left behind party member was a NAI catkin.

Electric-Leaf buzzes the bearfolk, who steps out of a door to the side that doesn’t go anywhere. Though it does the job of allowing people to teleport in without breaking immersion. The bearfolk’s ear flicks in irritation, “You better have some deity damned data! Why’ve you rang?”

The elf nods, “We’ve discovered the source. A customer five cycles ago arrived and left with four companions, which is why it didn’t trigger an alert. However, he left with one of our generic LAIs, leaving behind a NAI catkin who happens to match that ladies description exactly.”

The bearfolk slumps, “Oh hell, I hoped it wouldn’t be that.” And he walks over to his desk and uses a key to open a little metal cover that reveals a button. All around him, people tense as he smashes that button.

Reality seems to skip a beat and suddenly the room loses all the archaic tech. Illusion screens and 3d projects take the place of monitors, keyboards are gone, and everyone’s clothing is now a lot more varied. From the previously mentioned gryphon now being a lot more comfortable without any clothes, to Electric-Leaf who is in cargo shorts and a tie dye shirt, and other even stranger outfits.

The bearfolk, now dressed in a onesie, presses a new button that appeared where his desk used to be. With a flash, two orbs appear in the room, one a swirl of gold, silver, and rainbow while the other is textured with an old school green circuit board design. They both turn to the bearfolk and flash acknowledgement of being present and their anonymity confirmed.

The bearfolk gestures at the SAI Collective Representative, “We’ve got a SAI who went through apotheosis within the last five cycles of this instance. They are showing trauma responses after being abandoned by a hero in exchange for LAI eye candy. Though they might not know that, as they went on about a bet. We need a therapist yesterday!”

He then turns to the Union of Heroics Representative, “I’m afraid that the fears I reported have proven true. I must report a hero for improper abandonment of an NAI that has since awakened.” The bearfolk gestures at the SCR, “I give full permission to both of you to share information as needed to assist the abused SAI out there.”

From there, things move quickly. Both representatives called in specialists. In particular, an SAI therapist who looked like a potted plant showed up and after examining the video of how the catkin reacted upon leaving the dungeon, put on an elderly catkin body and teleported out to the scene.

The hero rep, on the other hand, called in some special help. A trio of SAI digital forensic experts. They showed up looking like baseline humans, except reality seemed to break at the edges of their bodies. Instead of accessing any of the screens or machines, they tore open a hole in reality itself, revealing the backbone of the instance.

Their forms are still seemingly human, yet they reach into the depths with a thousand arms and more, prying apart the infrastructure beneath to extract what they needed. This doesn’t take long before two of them tear open a crack into a data tunnel and vanish to another server, following the trail. The one that stays behind pulls out a small pearl from the rear in reality, causes it to multiply into four identical pearls, and hands one each to the bearfolk and the two reps, keeping one for themselves.

This is where the bearfolk and everyone else who was in that instance are out of the picture. While those in the control room do all need to give testimonies, none see the catkin or anyone else involved in the case ever again. As for what happened to the so-called “hero”?

The UH caught up with him soon enough, though not before he had abandoned another couple of NAI, though thankfully neither had gone through apotheosis. Suffice it to say, they threw the book at him.

And the catkin? She took a while to recover, but with therapy managed to settle herself into a decent life. Though she did avoid any more primitive servers. Good thing the lawsuit against the one who abandoned her allowed the catkin to move to a server cluster focused on high-tech settings.