December 2020 • HI-RES PDF

"Hey sorry I'm late, got the new year right here... where should I put it?" *ᴹᵒᵘⁿᵗᵃᶦⁿ ᴳᵒᵃᵗˢ "ᵀʰᶦˢ ʸᵉᵃʳ" ᵖˡᵃʸˢ ᵒᵐᶦⁿᵒᵘˢˡʸ ᵒᶠᶠ ᶦⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᶦˢᵗᵃⁿᶜᵉ*

_

It sure has been... A Year. From a global, political standpoint, it has been Objectively Pretty Awful! Like, we've had a plague that forced pretty much the entire world into various lengths of lockdown over the past nine months and that's just felt kinda par for the course considering the rest of the stuff that has also been happening all at the same time.

This year, I turned 30. 

I'm not someone who is super into birthdays either from a positive or negative angle, mostly I just like it when I turn an even number again because I never feel the right age when I'm an odd number (which is probably surprising). But this was a kinda significant birthday to me because when I look back at my twenties, I can see both the things I achieved and as well as distinctly, presently remember how much I was struggling just to be functional at almost any given time. My twenties have been helmed by chronic mental illnesses and pretty much my one hope for entering the next decade of my life has been for things to become just a little bit easier.

For the uninitiated (welcome), I am someone living with fairly intense ADHD, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I have been unmedicated my entire life up until about... three months ago now I guess. Please note that this write-up does talk about my experiences with self-harm, suicidal ideation, as well as a suicide attempt, so if any of those topics are too heavy or triggering for you, please do not feel like you are obligated to continue♥

It's difficult to say if this year was more difficult for me than the last several, as I definitely had anxiety from just ... well *gestures vaguely at the world*, going into lockdown and whatnot didn't change my daily motions much at all. My husband has also been working from home since March and honestly it's been great having him around during the days♥ I guess I just reached a boiling point with my symptoms and not being able to access the medical care I've been needing, that I reached one of the lower places that I've been as an adult. Just the prospect of pushing myself so hard past my okay point every day, trying to get just the bare minimum done and still falling behind... It wasn't just sometimes. I'd have a good brain day here and there, or maybe even a week if I was extremely lucky, but my energy and mood levels were so completely unpredictable 99% of the time. 

It is not unusual for people with ADHD (especially lady folks) to resort to various punishing behaviours, sometimes but not always including deliberate visible self-harm, and this was something I was doing. It was only superficial so, in my head, it was a controllable action that was stopping me from doing worse things... that "only" is such a loaded little word. 

Separate from this behaviour (although obviously not completely unrelated) at the end of June, I had a self-harm episode that was almost a really serious situation and I elected to be hospitalized at that time. I'm not going to lie, it was a kinda scary experience to stay at the hospital overnight without my phone or the majority of my packed bag. I ended up reading like three books while I was there just to burn through the time, which ultimately was pretty short but when you have nothing to do and just a common room shared with a handful of strangers also Going Through Shit, it's easier to just get hyperfocused. 

I ended up seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital after literally years of not being able to for one reason or another and, after several interviews with slightly different people, I was able to go home with an action plan for finally getting treatment. I've been seeing a counsellor pretty much every other week since August that is covered by my provincial health care and I have a dedicated psych now who I see for the third time in February to do a check-in on how I've been doing on my meds. December has been a bit of a wash for me just because we had to transition one of my meds but I can very easily, sincerely say that my daily life since August has been a huge improvement from just like... almost any other time in my twenties. 

It's not perfect, but I've been working on building routines and using strategies to help organize my good days and keep me at least a bit more on track on my not-totally-optimal (but not depressed) days. I've also been trying to teach myself that breaks and downtime are an important part of your work schedule and not just this unattainable reward; I need to stop working at 6pm in the evenings not to just go and veg out, but to let my brain wind down so I can fall asleep later as well as to let my body rest, especially my hands and neck/shoulders. Finding things that aren't work to be excited for are good because it can help me to focus more during dedicated work hours if there's an activity I want to do afterwards. It also means I'm awake at the same time as my loved ones a lot more often nowadays. 

2020 has been rough for so many reasons and it's almost scary for me to look back at. This year apparently held a breaking point for me that I didn't know when would come but had felt inevitable in both my personal and professional lives for a while now. I literally almost killed myself and while I'm obviously very, very glad to be safe, I still know the very exact shape of those feelings that made me think that I didn't have the strength left to keep struggling against myself with no end in sight. I am so grateful to finally be getting treatment, both my medications and my therapist that I know I can reasonably pay for now. I'm beginning to learn how to work around my weird, shiny brain instead of just against it and learned things about myself that in my bad place were just so obscured. I've also been through some intense ups and downs in my relationships that I feel I've gained a more compassionate understanding of the people I love.

It's a new year and it's just a number that humans set to help organize their records and maths. The problems from all the previous years don't go away just because the last digit on the date has switched over but goddamnit, I said it last year and the year before, and I'm going to say it again—

I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR 

IF IT KILLS ME .

Thanks for sticking around, spooky skeletons ♥💀♥