How I Deal With A Crush On A Straight Guy (VIDEO SCRIPT)

Let’s see. According to my channel, I haven’t posted a sketch since...mid March of 2020.

Ah, man. That was back when I was employed. Good times

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Readers, I know it may not seem like it from the way I present myself on camera. But even I -- in one way or another -- at the end of the day, end up doing clown shit.

And as a queer person of color, I have to admit that the most clown shit I have EVER DONE is crush on a straight dude.

Now I’m sure other queer Readers who identify as male out there can relate with my struggle in one way or another.

You might even be saying “It’s okay. We’ve all been there and got over it. You just gotta surround yourself with people who genuinely find you attractive and he won’t even be a THOUGHT anymore!”

See, that’s the problem. I DO THAT. Like, CURRENTLY; I am ACTIVELY doing that. And despite doing so, I’m still crushing on this dude.

And what makes it EXTRA difficult, is that he has been a good friend of mine for the past 10+ years. So it’s not like I can just write him off.

Now I won’t say that I haven’t made progress in dealing with this crush since the acknowledgement; I totally have. But sometimes I fall astray. Especially when the individual in question initiates some things that warrants my interaction.

And recently, that happened. So I had to have a quick group meeting in order to process everything. Roll the clip.

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Me

(Sits down) Okay. So first of all, Heart, Brain, thank you for coming at such short notice

Heart

Of course! You know we’re always here to-

Brian

What's the problem?

Me

Well, I was tagged in a Facebook post. By...you know who.

Heart
(Wide-eyed) Really?

Me

Yeah...

Brain

You mean ol’ dude who you bent over backwards for for the past 7 years hoping he’d feel the same way that you felt about him, already knowing good and damn well he’s straight and only sees you as a friend?

Me

(Flustered) Y-Yeah...

Brain

The same one you got hired at your old job, the same one you picked up to take to work everyday, the same one you tried to get rehired because he got fired from said job hoping that would SOMEHOW make him see that he’d be better off with you than any other woman he’s attracted to BECAUSE HE’S STRAIGHT????

Me

(Stuttering) I-I mean...c’mon, man; you didn’t have to... I-I just sat down!

Heart

Yeah, Brain; you’re not being very supportive right now! We don’t even know what the status is about! (Coyly looks at La’Ron) I-Is it good? It’s GOOD, right?

Me

Yeah. Apparently he was watching a collab I did with someone on their channel and saw that I was in the video, so he was saying how awesome it was to see me there.

Brain

(Shrugs) So? What’s the problem?

Me

W-well, do I SAY something? What do I do?

Heart

Well, he DID tag you in the status. Choosing not to respond would just be rude...

Brain

(Chuckles) Okay, Heart. I’m gonna stop you right there.

Heart

What? What is it?

Brain

Oh, don’t give me that shit. We have been doing everything in our power to make sure La’Ron doesn’t get swept down another Clown Tunnel regarding this dude, and you’re just opening the door for him again!

Heart

What??? NOO!!! All I’m saying is that they’ve been friends longer than La’Ron had a crush on him! And they’re still friends even after La’Ron revealed his feelings to him! He clearly made that status because he’s proud of him, so he should DEFINITELY reply to it!

Brain

Fine. (Stares at La’Ron) Then reply to it.

Me

Well, what should I say?

Brain
Thanks.

Heart

OH MY GO- NO. No, don’t do that!

Brain

Why not? It’s honest and gets to the point! And it also limits the amount of engagement La’Ron has to deal with him, which is good. The less they talk, the less likely La’Ron gets his feelings triggered by him. Common sense.

Heart

But that’s so cold though! You keep forgetting that they’re still friends! If La’Ron just replies with “Thanks,” he’s gonna think that he did something wrong or that he doesn’t wanna talk to him! I mean, yes, it might make him completely reevaluate their relationship as a whole and make him realize that we are one of the best things that has ever happened to him, but that’s too big of a risk!

Brain

See, I KNEW you were gonna say some Disney-ass shit like that!

Heart

I mean, it’s not out of the realm of possibility...

Me

OKAY. Okay. Yes, Brain. I have followed your advice and have gone out of my way to limit my interactions with him, because I know that if I do anything more than the minimum, I will end up right back where I was years ago. But he’s still my friend who’s just giving me some kudos in a Facebook thread at the end of the day and doesn’t really deserve a one-worded response like “Thanks,” so Heart makes a very valid point.

Heart

THANK YOU

Brain

Man, why is he even so prominent in your mind at this point? You did NOT take this much time getting over your ACTUAL ex!

Heart

That’s because with him, we got closure and an explanation as to why he left us. Plus, we learned that we’re not meant to be Poly.

Brain

No, we learned that HE wasn’t meant to be Poly. There’s a difference

Me

GENTLEMEN.

(Both Heart and Brain look my way)

Me

Is it possible that I can consider...BOTH of you for this?

Brain

Explain

Heart

Yeah, I don’t follow...

Me

Well, while its true that I shouldn’t really engage with him like that since I know what my limits are, I still think he deserves more than just a one-worded response considering that he’s just being supportive. So how about I just use the opportunity to give the situation more context by recalling the collab and explaining how it happened? That way I won’t come off as dismissive, while at the same time I’m not IMMEDIATELY exposing my feelings by engaging with him?

Heart

Yeah, that seems fair...

Brain

I’ll allow it.

Me

(Types the message, the looks at the screen shocked) Oh no...

Brain

What now?

Heart

What is it sweetie?

Me

He Heart reacted to my comment, and then replied with “I’m so proud of you”

Heart

He did WHAT?!?!

Brain

Oh, Jesus Christ...

Heart

You think it means something? I-I mean, it HAS to mean something, right? What do you think it means?

Brain

It means he’s proud of us. THAT'S IT. Because he’s straight, he’s not interested in us romantically or sexually, AND HE’S STRAIGHT!

Heart

I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation, Brain. HE HEART REACTED TO OUR COMMENT! He could’ve given it a Thumbs Up, but he HEARTED IT!

Brain

TOXIC MASCULINITY IS DYING! It’s 2020 for crying out loud; you can Heart react to another man’s post or comment and still be secure in your own sexuality! Which I have to CONSTANTLY remind you, his is STRAIGHT!

(La’Ron simply buries his head in his hand as he watches the two go at it)

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So not only is all of this based on a true story, but as of this recording, I have yet to reply to his “I’m so proud of you” post. (Nervously laughs) Ah, why am I like this???

Anyways Readers, your homework assignment for the day

Even if you’re not queer, write in the comment section below how YOU usually deal with having crushes on people that are close to you, but don’t feel the same way you feel about them

And if you’re wondering why I’m giving THAT as your homework assignment out of all the ones that could be related to this situation, that’s because this isn’t a call to action, this is a call for help; I need help.