How to Celebrate May the 4th [Star Wars Day (VIDEO SCRIPT)]

(Looks at the choice of Star Wars movies and selects one. Is shocked that there is a “Please Agree to the Terms & Conditions Before Watching” note on it)

Readus 101

Me: (Signing off a video) But yeah; that’s pretty much why I think Revenge of the Sith is the better film out of the Prequel Trilogy! So don’t forget to Like, Comment and Subrscribe. And May the Fourth-

(Phone Call)

Me: Hello? (Pause) WHAT??? (Pause) How do I already owe you 5 Grand? I didn’t even finish the phrase! I didn’t even publish the video yet!

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(Shows off copy of Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire)

Me: Ah, one of my favorite Star Wars novels. (Opens it and reads aloud) This book is no longer canon. This book is no longer canon. This book is no longer canon. This book is no longer canon. This book is no longer canon. This book is-

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Me: (Still on phone) Contract? What contract? I never got a contract from you, let alone signed one! (Pause) So does that mean you got those emails I sent asking you to sponsor my content? (Pause) Oh, really, you never received those emails. Mmm

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Me: (On computer) I wonder how much it costs for a weekend stay at that new Star Wars resort? (Types on computer) Oh. It’s...it’s the price of a mortgage payment. For a 3-bedroom house...in Los Angeles...

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(Shows off copy of Star Wars: Darth Plagueis)

Me: W-Well, maybe I can enjoy one of my OTHER favorites. (Opens it and reads aloud) We know that this character was mentioned in both Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, and has made an impact in the theatrically released films. Because of this, we acknowledge that this character is canon in the current Star Wars universe. This story, however, is not. (Pause) We know that this character was mentioned in-

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Me: (Still on phone) Listen, I’m not paying you $5000 for saying a phrase in one of my videos that you haven’t even owned for 10 years! (Pause) I BOUGHT A YEAR’S WORTH OF DISNEY+; YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!

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Me: (On computer) Oooh, I wonder how much an authentic lightsaber co- TWO...HUNDRED...(yells) DOLLARS!!!!

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(Shows off copy of Star Wars: Aftermath)

Me: Okay, this one HAS to be canon; it’s literally a tie-in to The Force Awakens! (Opens it and reads it out loud) This book is canon.(Looks away from book) THANK YOU! (Continues to read) However, due to the fact that the author attempted to normalize LGBT relationships in the Star Wars universe and attempted to show that men are as creepy as women -- creepier even -- when we hired him to write our Darth Vader comic book that one time, we no longer speak about this author due to us wanting to satisfy as many individuals in our fanbase as possible. Even the shitty ones.

(Closes book and looks in the distance)

Me: I honestly don’t know what I was expecting...