Dora and the Lost City of Gold: Official Trailer (VIDEO SCRIPT)

*chuckle to laugh to cackle* WHAT???

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Readers, may I present to you “Dora and the Lost City of Gold”

Also known as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr.’s live-action “Dora the Explorer” movie

And like, I knew it was gonna happen? I *knew* it was gonna happen. But still, I was NOT prepared

Now don’t get me wrong. Dora looks awesome

/Isabela Moner looks exactly how I would imagine a teenage Dora would look, even while being forced to do the Last Action Hero bit of only wearing her trademark outfit/

Even the plot shows promise, and I’m kinda low-key glad that they’re using Indiana Jones and Tomb Raider as like, the base of how they’re presenting and marketing this movie

You know, as rated G as you can make Indiana Jones and Tomb Raider

/It has “fish out of water” elements because she has to adapt to modern American life because her parents are out being the parents from “Hey Arnold,” immediately labeling her as the weird kid, then her, her cousin and some randos get captured by Jango Fett, returning her to her element in order to protect her friends, save her parents, find the lost city of gold and save the day./

My question though, is why does Diego look so plain?

Also a second question. Why does Diego ACT so plain?

And a third question. Why they do this to Diego?

You could talk to animals and had a pet jaguar; what the fuck happened, bruh?

Like, I almost couldn’t tell you apart from the other motherfuckers at the airport, not because you weren’t dressed in your trademark vest and cargo shorts, /but because you shaved your head!/

Like, why? Why? WHY?

Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you trying to find white acceptance?

Because if that’s the case, then take it from me who actually sought that shit out when I was your age; it’s not worth it.

Also can we talk about the footage of Boots revealed in this movie is just distracting us from the fact that he’s voiced by Danny Fucking Trejo?

/I mean look at him! His voice is gonna come out of THAT MOUTH! And without the help of Robert Rodriguez! What a time to be alive!/

And apparently, Swiper is being voiced by Benecio Del Toro?? What the fuck is happening?

Next you’re gonna tell me that Backpack and the Map are gonna be respectively voiced by Antonio Banderas and Selma Hayek! Which, at this point, fuck it; I’m down for the shit!

So at the end of the day, did the trailer do its job? YES

If the unique combination of staying true to Dora and giving her an Indiana Jones/Laura Croft vibe didn’t do its job in making me interested, then I assure you Readers; all these creative decisions sure the fuck did.

Now I just need to figure out how I’m gonna see this bitch without looking like a weirdo in a movie theater filled with kids. Hmm. I got great-nephews and nieces now, so maybe I can take them...? I’ll figure something out.

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So with that being said Readers, your homework assignment for the day: Write in the comment section below your thoughts on the official trailer for Dora and the Lost City of Gold.

Are you genuinely excited? Are you just on board to see how weird this shit’s gonna get? I’d love to know your thoughts!

Because I’m telling you now, I am a mixture of both, bitch!

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But until then, this is Readus 101. Class dismissed.