Flavour Text - Crumbs of Affection - F4A - Comedy - One Woman’s Noble Quest for a Hug

🍪 PORTLY’S MARRIAGE COUNSELLING SERVICE 🍪
Sponsored by: Definitely Not a Front for Anything Illegal Ltd.

HELLO TROUBLED LOVEBIRDS,

Are you locked in a silent treatment death match with your beloved?
Did you eat the last biscuit, and now your partner won’t even look at you?
Have your cuddles been cruelly revoked?

Then it’s time... to apologise the Portly way.
Through biscuit arson.

Because nothing says “I love you and I may be mentally unravelling” like setting fire to a pack of Oreos in a bin out back.

THE PORTLY FIVE-STAGE METHOD™:

• Feel the Guilt
  Look at them. Arms crossed. Crumbs of betrayal still on your jumper. You monster.

• Fetch the Biscuits
  Any brand will do, but Oreos are ideal, no one likes them anyway. They're already halfway to hell.

• Construct the Pyre
  Garden bin. Biscuit tower. One tea towel for flair. Light responsibly. Or irresponsibly. Who am I to judge.

• Deliver Your Apology Speech
  Project. Weep. Include specifics: “I’m sorry for the biscuits. I’m sorry for my face. I’m sorry I made you use your silent voice.”

• Initiate the Cuddle Trap
  Once they’re softened by the flames and your dramatic guilt spiral, go in for the cuddle. Don’t let go. Ever. Unless they request it legally.

PORTLY’S GUARANTEED RESULTS
(Guarantee not legally binding. Or emotionally reliable.)

💔 83% reported “slightly fewer slammed doors”
🔥 71% success rate in “accidentally burning something important”
🐾 100% of biscuits were absolutely ruined

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Is this a legitimate counselling service?
A: I have a laminated badge and access to lighters. That’s all you need to know.

Q: Are you... a dog?
A: I am Portly. I contain multitudes. And at least three custard creams at any given time.

Q: Is this arson?
A: It’s romantic arson. That’s a different category. Emotionally flammable.

PORTLY’S FINAL THOUGHTS:

Don’t let resentment fester like a stale custard cream at the bottom of a tin.
Burn it.
Literally.

Because in the end, all relationships boil down to two things:

Communication.
And a shared willingness to set fire to disappointing snacks.