16) The Big Short

9th June 1996 (Sunday)

Ricky Stirling (POV)

Today.

Today’s the day. It’s finally here. A test screening at 6 in the evening in Sherwood Cinema, a massive multiplex.

Sherwood was built by a friend of my Dad’s and when it was facing bankruptcy, daddy dearest, the ‘kind’ and ‘generous’ man that he is, purchased the facility. Since it was on schedule to be demolished, he paid less than 40% of the market price to acquire it for his then newly opened Stirling Star Productions.

7 years later, Dad merged Stirling Star productions and MGM distribution to form… Stirling Studios.

Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not a single legal entity, but Stirling Studios is the parent corporation and both Stirling Star and MGM are now subdivisions within the company.

It’s kinda like how Warner Bros. Discovery owns New Line Cinema Production house, and distributes its films using another subdivision titled Warner Bros. Entertainment, just on a slightly smaller scale.

Anyways, he then initiated a complete refurbishment of the Multiplex, and made it the ‘spot’ for high profile red carpet premieres of Stirling films. It’s also where he holds most of the test screenings to judge the box office feasibility and public response at large. If the reception is middling, he initiates extensive reshoots and then performs a few more test screenings around LA.

It’s kinda his modus operandi at this point, and this time, he spared no expense.

As I found out yesterday during a delicious dinner, he had invited 8 execs from SS (Stirling Studios).

Now normally, when a distribution company holds a test screening for an independent production, a variety of executives attend, each representing a certain expertise in their respective areas.

The categories in all almost cases are:

• Acquisition Executive: As apparent from his title, this motherfucker is responsible for acquiring films for distribution. His job is to judge the film’s market potential and whether it aligns with the company’s distribution strategy at large. In this scenario, my dad’s friend Preston Higgs, or as dad calls him… ‘loyal son of a bitch’.
• Distribution Executive: He… well she in this case, is in charge of planning and executing the film’s distribution strategy. She’ll also evaluate the film’s commercial viability and its appeal to the target audience, and then proceed to draw up some rough box office projections after analyzing market trends. I don’t know her name, but I will in a short few hours.
• Marketing Executive: Now normally, this unlucky bastard is responsible for creating and implementing the film’s marketing strategy. After another heated debate 2 days ago, Dad agreed to bring him around as a consultant of sorts, and if we strike the deal, then I'll be working closely with him for the next few months. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he’ll be my subordinate at best, there’s no chance in hell I’m letting him screw this all up, when I’m this close to succeeding in my objectives.
• Sales Agent: Oh, this motherfucker will be a tough nut to crack, but he’ll play a vital role in green lighting the movie. See now, sales agents don’t care about the domestic performance of a film, their sole objective is to sell distribution rights to various territories around the world, ensuring the film performs well internationally.
• Film Programmer: I’m not even remotely worried about his approval, because I know I’ll have it by the night’s end. See this guy, is not an executive. He’s part of the technical team and his sole job is to assess the film’s quality and aesthetic.
• Publicity Executive: Last of all, we have this little bitch, and his opinion will matter a lot. He’s actually pretty high up in the hierarchy of execs, and his role will be to manage the film’s publicity and generate media coverage. He’ll also be responsible for attempting to judge the potential critical reception of the film. My dad’s dear old friend, and the spymaster of his own little fiefdom, Javier Katz. The man with his finger in so many fucking pies… it’s not even funny. Fun fact, he knows fluent Mandarin and is chummy with the Chinese in ways other Hollywood execs just don’t know how to be.

Anyways, all these people will be reviewing the film, MY film. But I didn’t care about any of them. I knew it was a formality at best, I know my dad.

He wants me to succeed no matter what, that’s just how much he loves me, that’s why he’s bringing Higgs and Katz in the first place, to justify to the company why a theatrical release of my film will be feasible.

He still thinks it’ll fail, he still wants to protect me, just like he always did. I’m 18 now, have been for months, but parents… they never realize their child has grown up until he/she proves it. It’s beautiful in a way, but nonetheless… frustrating.

Well no matter, I believe he’ll have his evidence by the end of this evening. You see, there’s a reason why I insisted on a test screening, and not a private one.

Let me be more clear… I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass about their opinion. All I want them to do is to see what the audience thinks, and then be left in awe, as they gather their thoughts on what they witnessed.

Years later, I want them talking to reporters, about how they witnessed the start of a legend, and oh… what a start it is going to be.

And with that optimistic thought, I finished up my burger before throwing a wad of cash on the table, and proceeded to exit the lovely little bistro that I was definitely going to visit next week.

What can I say? Their pork burger was to die for. And it’s not like unhealthy eating habits have any form of impact on my body any longer. Not since my CON hit 30. And hitting 25 essentially eliminated the prospect of me ever having a common cold, or a fever. Because a fever is not really a disease, it’s really just the body raising its temperature to kill infections.

But due to my immunity, the idea of me having any infections for the rest of my life was laughable.

Then again, life tends to throw curveballs at you when you keep hitting home runs.

…

…

“All right, thanks for being here buddy, you have no idea how much it means to me.” I said, as Trent prepped up the camcorder, making sure it would work when I wanted it to.

“Yeah, no problem buddy, I want this to succeed as much as you do.” Hmmm, nope, I call bullshit, there’s no way in hell Trent could be that understandin-, “You owe me though. I just ditched a hot date with this 9/10, whose number I snagged a week ago at the club.” There it is, there’s the Trent I know and love.

“Which club?” I asked calmly.

“Wh-what do you mean which club? The club man! Jeez, let it go will you.” He muttered out the last sentence, clearly hoping that I would indeed drop it.

Fat chance. Especially now that he’s blushing a little.

“Which club, Trent?” I asked again, in a no nonsense tone.

“T-The, the nightclub on the corner of Melrose Avenue.”

“There’s no nightclub on the corner of Melrose Avenue.” I shot back.

“Wh-how would you know? Huh? There is one right there man, no matter what you say.”

“Trent I memorized the map of Los Angeles at the age of 15, and I’ve been keeping up to date by doing it all over again every 6 months. There is no nightclub on the corner of Melrose Avenue.” Just as he was about to counter, I steamrolled on, “However, there is a strip club there, Twilight Tease, I believe the name is.”

…

“Trent…”

“Okay fine! Fine, jeez. Her name is Vega, well her stage name is, her real name is Lily. I’m not… looking for anything long-term here, just… this is the first time I was going on a date since my break up with Tilda. Ok? So just…”

“So a harmless rebound then?”

“Yep… exactly. A harmless little rebound, and then… I’ll break things up ok? Relax.”

“Trenton Campbell, open your ears and listen. She’s a stripper ok? I’ve got nothing against what she does, but she literally turns people on to make a living. If this lasts more than a month starting from today… well you either break it up, or I’m gonna want to meet her.”

“That’s, that’s actually reasonable, yeah fine... we’ll see then. You know I’ve always valued your opinion right? You’re the smartest and somehow the most mature guy I know, which is crazy considering how many people I know…”

“It’s like I’ve always said… I’m just built different.” I said, doing my level best to keep a straight face.

Trent had no such reservations.

“HAHAHAHA… ah, sometimes buddy, you just crack me up.” He was wiping tears from his eyes. Man, my CHA is just… ridiculous. Even the most inane basic, your mama jokes can cause rapturous laughter with the right delivery, but I’m at a point where I don’t even need the right delivery.

I’m fucking hilarious… and I still don’t understand how.

“Ricky, it’s 6:45, you told me to tell you…”

“Yeah, thanks Trent. It’s just a reminder really.”

“For what?”

“You know as we speak Trent, my father and his stuffy execs are getting the living shit scared out of them. Them and a few hundred people. In a few more minutes, we’ll start seeing some of them come out of that door. I’ll go and act like any paparazzi would, and all you need to do is act like a cameraman, play along, and get the complete recording of my questions. My face should not be visible Trent, I’ll be wearing a cap, a pair of dark sunglasses, and be coughing constantly into a napkin to obscure my features. You just need to record their faces, and every single word that comes out of their mouth. Can you do that buddy?”

“Hold on,” He said, putting his hand up, “you want to record their live reactions don’t you? But obscure your fa- of course. If they recognize you, they’ll be traumatized for life. We don’t want that, no-no, we don’t want that at all… but, who’re you going to show it- oh. Your dad and… the execs… Ok, I just did a whole lot of guesswork, tell me I’m right Ricky.” He pleaded with eyes, and his words.

I just smiled at him knowingly and got up, “I’m gonna head over to get some popcorn, you want any? We’ve still got a couple of minutes I reckon.”

“...Salted Caramel.”

“You got it buddy.” I walked away, grinning at anything and everything.

…

…

??? (POV)

Wh-what in the… oh hell no! Nigga what the fuck- nope, nope I’m outie. I’m- I am getting out of here, no matter what this crazy bitch says.

“Honey,” I said, turning to the aforementioned crazy bitch, “Hon- you listening?” I touched the back of her palm, when all of a sudden, she jerked out of her… trance?

“AH! Malcolm what the hell is wrong with you! You don’t, j-just don’t touch me out of nowhere like that!”

Bitch, we’ve been dating for the past 5 months and now all of a sudden, I can’t touch you? The fucking hell…

Just then, a complete silence envelops the hall, as we slowly turn our heads to the screen.

They’re sleeping, yeah… they’re just sleeping, nothing is happening-oh thank god, finally the scary bit is over-

“Fuck!” Mame whispered, I still heard it.

The hallway light turned on and and oh FUCKING HELL! MOTHERFUCKIN-OH HELL NAW! JES-JESUS I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I am…

“Sweetie, I-I need to go to the… washroom, yeah the washroom-” She said, as Janice just got dragged screaming out, and Ricky just, he just sat there- oh no he's running, no-no-no-motherfucking NO! You don’t run in- this nigga gonna die.

Yep, I called it, this nigga gonna- oh fuck I gotta… it’s not pee, I gotta… oh come on.

“Honey, I’m gonna say what’s on both of our minds, let’s get out of here.”

She didn’t reply, she didn’t really need to, why you ask? Because the crazy ass bitch was already running towards the exit, tripping on the legs of… oh man, now I gotta- nope I’m not apologizing for her, she brought this on herself goddamnit.

I hurried the fuck out, and I was not alone. There were 4 people in front of me, running as if their lives depended on it. Not me though. I only had my underwear, and these beige pants to worry about.

And just as I burst out of the door, I saw them.

These two goofy ass looking niggas, well not niggas, they were white as hell. In fact I’ve probably eaten white chocolate darker than them.

These two motherfuckers are… what the fuck are they doing?

I walk closer only to overhear-”

“Ma’am, I'm with the USC Trojans, you just exited the hall early. Is the movie truly that bad?”

“Wh-what do you mean- NO! No, I didn’t not enjoy it, it was just. Ok, I’m a little embarrassed to say this but… it was a little, too scary, if I can even say that. It’s like, I was there with them, like, I felt it could happen to anyone, like, even me. It kind of just… well I really need to head home now, David just came out of the men’s room and he’s still looking ghastly pale, I hope you understand just-”

“Oh, no problem, sorry to trouble you, my curiosity got the best of me and I won’t keep you any longer, thank you very much though.”

What in the fucking hell is… hold on. This white piece of trash is recording our fucking react- oh hell no, I need to get out of here right fucking now.

Wait, am I forgetting something important… Mame- no hell no, she ain’t even remotely importantly, but my pants are, so…

Ricky Stirling (POV)

What the… is he running towards the washroom? He’s holding his pants from both sides so… oh bloody hell.

“Trent, we did it. The ultimate achievement.”

“What’s that?”

“We made a movie so fucking scary, that people are shitting themselves… quite literally.” I add as I point towards the guy.