"Texting with... Natalie" pt. 4

Natalie: Sauna, huh? 

You: Sauna sounds great. It's technically fitness, but you just have to sit there.

Natalie: Like, that's the perfect exercise for you. As if you weren't on your but enough as is! 😜

Natalie: I’d be terrified to see a workout program developed by you.

You: I should just live in a sauna, that could be my workout program.

Natalie: Case in point.

You: Does walking to the donut store count as an exercise? It's almost a whole block from my apartment. Sometimes, in the summer, I even break a light sweat walking there.

Natalie: You're like, my nightmare.

You: Bullshit. I bet this kind of thing gets your motor going.

You: I bet you'd be drooling at the bit for just a few minutes alone with me in a gym. Flexing your inner drill instructor. Reducing me down into a pile of sweat and tears.

Natalie: Don't tease me with a good time. You know that kind of talk drives me crazy!

Natalie: Maybe I should have been a drill instructor.

Natalie: I'm too nice though. I couldn't be mean like that. Just yelling at people all the time.

You: Yeah. You wouldn't strike fear in the recruits at first… but over time.

Natalie: Stoooooop. I'm not that bad. You just like to tease me because you're bored.

You: You texted me.

Natalie: Shhhhhh.

Natalie: But the sauna will be good. I haven't been all week and I need to sweat some stuff out.

Natalie: Just a way to melt off all that stress.

Natalie: I know, like, all the stress that rich housewives must suffer 😂

You: Never stuck me that a person needed much of an excuse to enjoy a sauna.

Natalie: I bet you could still use it more than I could. Still waiting for your clients?

You: Wouldn't be texting otherwise. Not safe to text and drive.

Natalie: You're such a boy scout.

You: Yeah, all that abundance of caution when driving a 4000lbs car 35 mph down a crowded street.

Natalie: And that's why I pay you to drive me. Because you're so good at your job! 😘

Natalie: You just like lasagna a little too much is all.

You: I'm, like, not even in bad shape! I swear to god I think you're gaslighting me!

Natalie:  😂Noooooo, I would never!!!

Natalie: 😜

You: I hope when you're in the sauna, some, like, 90 year old guy comes in there, and his ancient, wrinkly old balls flop out of his towel without him knowing, and you just have to awkwardly see his dusty old nuts just hanging there out of the corner of your eye.

Natalie: What is the matter with you?

You: Just hanging there. Just an old, wrinkly speed bag.

Natalie: You're disgusting.

You: They'd be like the Mona Lisa. Wherever you sit in the sauna, those old balls will be staring at you.

Natalie: Do you want this to be my trauma?

Natalie: I do nothing but care about your health and fitness.

You: But what about my happiness?

Natalie: Oh my god.

You: You know the love I have for Boston Creme Donuts. The joy they've brought to my life.

You: Yet you stare down from your ivory temple of fitness, judging me...

Natalie: I hope your client never comes.

Natalie: I hope you do get stuck there forever.

You: I can't believe you would say that to me. After all you know I've gone through.

Natalie: 😂

You: All this smoking and joking is making me wonder when you have time to finish your workout.

Natalie: Shut up.

Natalie: The program I'm currently on has long breaks between sets.

You: Sure it does.

Natalie: Ass.

You: Any other fun plans after your workout?

Natalie: Shower, Sauna, trashy reality tv.

Natalie: Then, I don't know. I've been thinking of redoing my master bathroom.

Natalie: We had it done a few years ago, and I was never really happy with the contractors work.

Natalie: I feel like he just didn't listen to what I wanted, and it feels too cramped and disjointed for a space of that size, you know? like, the space just hasn't had the right energy since it was redone the last time.

You: Of course. I always say how it's so important to have the right energy in the space where you poop.

Natalie: OMG, it's like talking to a child

You: You're the one with the funky bathroom energy, not me.

You: Sounds like a dietary issue.

Natalie: 😯

Natalie: Were no longer on speaking terms.

You: Maybe some more fiber. You know, Natalie, you really should watch what you eat.

Natalie: Oh my god.

Natalie: You're the worst! I'm blocking your number.

You: Triple doggy dare you.

Natalie: What is wrong with you, you have been so mean to me today.

You: I dunno, it's fun.

Natalie: So glad I could entertain you 🥺

You: Hahaha! You messaged me because you were bored with your workout!

Natalie: Any future beach side business ventures are null and void.

You: But the jet skis!

Natalie: Nope. Too late. You'll have to take your jet-ski-taxi service elsewhere.

Natalie: Okay, I really am procrastinating. I do have to get back to the workout. ttyl?

You: You bet. Have a good one.

I swipe over to check my news feed and leave Natalie to her workout. But about twenty minutes later...

Natalie: Woo! All finished!

Natalie: Ugh, I just feel so good after a good sweat. I love the sauna. It always puts me in such a great mood after.

You: Oh yeah? It does, huh?

Natalie: Yep. It does. I'm not even that mad at you any more.

Natalie: In fact, I really shouldn't be doing this, given how much of a meanie you were to me all day!

Natalie: But I guess since you've been stuck walking for clients and dodging metermaids, you can still have a little treat.

You: A treat?