Your Favorite Healslut: Summer Smackdown

It started out as a post apocalyptic setting mod, but I heard the backlash on the Overwatch summer event being boring and wondered what Merc Squad would do for it. I also couldn't get the apocalypse event to do quite what I expected so went to this instead. Casual sex, fun new outfits and some friendly femdomming. With a big trip coming that will likely take me off here for about a week, wanted to end up with some fun stuff that I could do to relax before that big jump.

“Woohoooo! Vacation!” Patcher went running across the sand in her tight pink one piece. It ran high on her thighs and showed plenty of cameltoe and sideboob, but it was less revealing than some of her other Skins. The event she’d been waiting for had finally come back. Merc Squad had released a few Summertime Smackdown skins last year, but this year they were making an actual event out of it. The rest of her team followed behind more calmly as they just enjoyed the loading screen animation. Patcher smiled out at the ocean, admiring the unsteadily animated waves and low-quality seagulls before checking back on her teammates.

Gladiator dropped a cooler the size of a coffin onto the sand before he dug out a can of beer. He passed it off to Anarchy who walked by in her Union Jack sling bikini. The Brit guzzled it down in one go before chucking it into the sand and belching gracelessly. Bork went running happily around the sand before bounding off into the water and paddling out as fast as he could go.

“Nononono! Bork! Invisible walls!” Patcher shouted, trying to wade in after him. The husky still yelped as he bonked his nose into some unseen barrier about twenty feet out to sea. “Yea, sorry bud,” Patcher assured as she rubbed his wet head. “They weren’t going to design a whole ocean just for you.”

“So what am I looking at here?” Shade asked. The muscular black woman looked quizzically around the beach, wearing a frilled blue bikini around her thick breasts and ass. Pocket Rocket trotted by, hopping just enough to slap her on the ass.

“You’re lucky you’re hot, Shady, cuz you’re not bright,” Pockets teased, getting the dark woman to blush. Ever since the last glitch out, the shortstack alien had her wrapped around her finger. Pocket herself wore a snug one piece with a frilled skirt around the waist, giving her a slightly childish appearance despite her giant curves for her size. “We’re in vacation mode. They installed a bunch of mini games and gave us the Beachside map to fight in.”

“What is a mini-game?” Shade asked as she kept studying her surroundings.

“Oh my nightmarish alien god, bitch. I’m about to kiss you so you’ll shut your dumb slut mouth. It’s a shorter game where players can grind out lootboxes easier. Earn them skins like my pervy swimsuit and stuff.”

“Right. So we’re still on-call,” Ghost Shot reminded. “Enjoy yourselves but don’t go missing out if you get pinged.” She had much more professional attire than most of the crew: a form-fitting tank top and swim trunks with enough space left to tease her lower abs. She had a sun visor and a pair of sunglasses on, but far from the largest pair on the beach. Night Shift strode in behind her with a massive, lacey black umbrella over her head, a sun hat, wide dark sunglasses, and a liberal smear of sunscreen across her nose despite wearing a rather revealing black bikini with her bat wings poking out the back. She smiled wearily as she looked over the scene.

“It’s very pretty,” she noted quietly. “When will we be ruining it with gunfire?”

“Oh that’s what makes it a vacation…” Ghost pulled a pistol from her pocket and leveled it with Night’s face. She barely blinked in her naturally sedated state, but she flinched when Ghost squirted a short squirt of water into her face. “No live rounds. Water fights on the battle maps. Volleyball, surfing, capture the beach ball, king of the sandcastle…”

“So same shite, different name?” Gladiator asked as he approached with a six pack under his arm. He offered one to Ghost who waved it off.

“You got it. Enjoy the easy mode, people.”

Patcher finished dragging Bork back to shore as Ghost caught up with her. She planted a quick kiss on the ditzy blonde’s cheek. “How are you wet already? I haven’t even put a hand on you yet.”

Patcher giggled and shook her head. “This is all super fun and pretty already! The programmers did really good work designing all of this.”

Ghost looked down at the water and dipped her foot into the tide. She watched the next wave clip right through her foot. She shrugged and pout an arm around Patcher’s waist. “They did alright. It’s only going to be around for a week or two so I’m not surprised if they cut some corners. But I’m glad you like it.”

“It’s so unreal thought,” Patcher chimed, leaning into her girlfriend while looking down at the shifting waves.

“You wish. We’re still running off the Kwake engine.”

A quick snapping sound got them to look up. Psych was floating above the sand halfway up the beach, snapping another picture of them on his cameraphone. “Hey, Bambi. Ghost,” the child psychic greeted. He was dressed in just a pair of swim trunks, revealing more of his dark Brazilian skin and long hair. “I got a question.”

Patcher started to answer brightly. “Oh sure! Anything. I read up on all the updates so…”

“Yea, me too. Not that. What’s up with your tail?”

Patcher looked behind her and didn’t see anything but the thong back of her swimsuit. “I… don’t have one?”

“Yea, that’s my point. What happened to your cat tail?” Psych pressed.

“It’s… not real, kid,” Ghost said with a smirk. She squeezed Ghost’s ass as if to prove it. “It’s an implant on her normal costume. Did you think she was an actual catgirl?”

“No!” Psych insisted, starting to blush. “You just always had it.”

“And you’re what? A month old?” Chainslash chortled as he went stomping by. The massive murderer finally had his hood off, showing a thick and scarred face as he grinned at the smaller boy. He tromped past in his sandals and swim trunks beneath his hefty gut and hairy chest before he hopped into the water, splashing and startling Big Bolt. The chirping robot shielded himself from the splashback, still wearing water wings despite being taller than the water could ever reach. Chain popped back out of the water when his head glowed green and he suddenly dunked himself back underwater, thrashing and bubbling beneath the surface.

“Month and a half,” Psych huffed as he folded his arms and went back to his phone.

“Oh that is so cute when you say it like that!” Patcher gushed as she trotted over to Psych. “But it’s a fair question. My bio page says that the tail’s there as a balance regulator for my rocket heels, so I guess that’s not a part of it.” Patcher held up and wiggled one of her feet, showing that the boosting footwear was missing.

“But it’s really some perv designers who wanted their neko fetish while having something to tease your ass all day long,” Ghost filled in as she caught up.

“Yea, but you get used to it. I didn’t even notice it was gone just now.”

“Huh.” Psych went back to his phone, leaning back against a glowing green barrier he put up for himself.

“So my question,” Ghost started as she sized him up. “Why the hell aren’t you on the ground right now? Or in the water like everyone else who’s not getting shit faced?”

“Or cooking.” Patcher pointed off to a spot with picnic tables where Dr. Dragon was quietly reading in a sundress. Roadblocker was working a grill in some cargo shorts while the doctor’s red dragon reared on its hind legs, spewing some fire to light the charcoal.

Psych sighed and darted his eyes back to his phone. “Because I don’t like sand. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt it and it feels fucking weird. I don’t want it in my toes and I don’t want it in my shorts. And I definitely don’t know how to swim, so why bother?”

“You really can’t swim?” Patcher asked. “But it’s so fun!”

“But I was raised in a lab and we live in a world where if you fall off too long a cliff, you just die. Video game characters don’t like water and that’s a fact.”

“I can swim,” Patcher said, met with a streak of silence. “My backstory had me as a lifeguard. It’s nice having so much lore… even if it’s, like, contradictory sometimes.”

“I mean, I was retconned to be in the army, so I know how,” Ghost said with a shrug. “You might be the weird one here, kid.”

“Not… entirely.” Patcher glanced up at Oni-Chan. The urban ninja was wearing some orange trunks and a beach towel around his face like a scarf as he perched on the lifeguard seat. “I’ve done overseas missions but I don’t have any idea how to swim.”

“I never had to,” Gladiator added.

“I do not breathe,” Skulfucker added. “So did not bothered to learn.”

“Never tried.”

“We have zero water maps.”

“I never go anywhere without the laptop. It’s waterproof and all, but I never want to take the chance.”

“I just learned what fucking water looks like TODAY,” Pocket Rocket piped up among the chattering group. “Outside of a bottle anyway. Like, in its natural water habitat.”

“Okay, okay,” Ghost said, waving her hands for quiet. “So MOST of us don’t know how to swim. Fine. The water’s not that deep so we don’t have to worry about drowning. But… if anyone wants to learn…”

Patcher blinked and she was suddenly facing a volleyball net. She glanced over to see Bitchbot standing in a complex, almost spiderweb-like swimsuit that barely covered up her naughty bits. The robot glanced at her lazily before going back to the net where Roadblocker and Shieldmaiden loaded in. The thawed out viking wore an outfit similar to her usual revealing skins and loincloth, though this one features a pair of sea shells over the middle of her breasts.

“Da fockin’ blazes?” Roadblocker asked in his updated and admittedly awful Australian accent. He glanced around before tossing his spatula aside. “Reckon that lotta burgas’n go burn, f’rall I care.”

“I see…” Shieldmaiden mused as she looked over the sandy playing field. “So honorable combat by net it is!” A large, multicolored beach ball popped into existence just above the net and floated there, rotating slowly.

“Aha!” Shield noted brightly. “And some manner of cannonball. Now things are getting interesting.”

“It’s bloody volleyball, ya gits!” Anarchy shouted at them from the cooler nearby. “Fuckin’ hit the ball already!”

“Ooh! I can do that!” Patcher ran up and jumped up and down. She swung her hand at the ball but she was too short to reach, trying a few times over while doing nothing but jiggling up and down. With a sudden pneumatic hiss, Bitchbot’s write fired a jet of water over her head and nailed the ball, bumping it over to their opponent’s side.

“There,” Bitchbot said dryly. “I hit it.”

Roadblocker hurried under it and gave a quick melee attack, elbowing the ball back into the air. Shieldmaiden drew her crossbow and fired at it, nailing it with a nerf bolt that bumped it back over. Patcher ran back and forth trying to catch it but Bitchbot didn’t bother moving, shooting it with her wrist launchers here and there. Roadblocker drew his large metal supersoaker and blasted it back, the teams trading shots directed at the ball. Patcher and her melee-only abilities missed out entirely until BB’s shot knocked it out of bounds.

They went on knocking the ball around a while, scoring on each other here and there. Patcher ran under and manage to punch it when it finally got close enough, sending it flying out of bounds. “Oh. I guess melee attacks hit it farther than I thought…”

Bitchbot frowned at her as the ball reappeared. “Big help, Healslut.”

“Sorry! I don’t use my melee a lot. It’s ok! I’ve got it now!” She ran up to the ball and swung with all the might in her tiny fist, sending it flying high over the net. “Yes! Nailed it!” she cheered for herself. A few of the other mercs whistled or clapped for her sky-high shot.

Bitchbot sighed as they waited for the ball to come back down. “I think I hate volleyball. The ball doesn’t even grunt when I shoot it.”

“Oh it’s fun! Just enjoy it,” Patcher insisted. “It’s more fun than shooting each other. …I mean, for most of us,” she added to the sadistic robot. The ball finally dropped back down but Shieldmaiden just hopped higher than the net and spiked it over. It smacked Patcher in the face and ricocheted off the blonde, knocking her flat on her back.

“Your apothecary was correct! Melee attacks are much stronger,” Shield laughed proudly.

“Yea… good hit,” Patcher groaned dizzily. A bunch of streamers and confetti shot out of the air and settled on her skin.

“Oh what is this now?” BB grumbled, flicking a streamer off her shoulder. 

“Figga we jus’ won,” Roadblocker shrugged. A holographic menu appeared in front of his face. Road looked startled before breaking into a smirk. “Oh now this’ a treat…”

“What is?” Patcher asked as she sat up, dusting sand out of her cleavage.

“Tis saying it’s a punishment game,” Shieldmaiden said, looking quizzically at her menu. She tapped one of the buttons and BB vanished from sight. Patcher saw a flash from the patio by the others. Bitchbot and a stripper pole had appeared in the center as the robot sighed.

“I hate that viking,” BB muttered before she wrapped her leg around the pole, turning herself upside down to hang by them and shake her tits for the hooting teammates.

“Oh that’s fun!” Patcher chimed. “What do I-?” Patcher blinked and she was gone, suddenly out in the water. She was straddling a large inflatable banana gripping a pair of handles on the sides. Her bottoms were also pulled aside, a strapon at the pool toy’s base stuck inside her pussy.

“Oh! Ohhhhkay this is a different kind of fun,” Patcher moaned, hanging tighter onto her toy. Shifting her weight in any direction made the wet banana squeak and slide around, which adjusted the sex toy inside her. She bit her lip and kept trying to get her balance straight but her hips kept pumping on their own to ride the rubber cock. Before long she was rocking back and forth, tilting the entire toy front to back as if she was riding it like a cowgirl.

“Guys! Guyyys how do I get back to shore?” Patcher moaned, her gaze glassy as she tried cautiously splashing at the water with one hand. That just twirled her around and got more water on her, making her pale skin shine as her ass pumped up and down on the sexual inflatable. A husky grunt escaped her lips as she came on the lower half, squeezing her banana tightly enough that it let out a wheezy squeak. She sighed and slumped against it as she vaguely heard some laughs and hoots from the shore.

“Seriously though!” she called wearily. “How do I get back? Like, the waves will probably pull me back, right?” The ditzy blonde’s question was answered as a shark burst out of the water, biting the banana balloon and popping it beneath her. Patcher let out a startled shriek as she fell into the water. She burst back up to the surface, just to find herself right back at the shore of the beach.

“Oh… thank you, shark friend!” Patcher called cheerily towards the water. She started to wade back to shore, adjusting her bikini bottoms to cover up her pussy. A few of the teammates stared at her as she reached the end of the tide. “So that was fun. What’s up?”

“You’re jiggling,” Night Shift said calmly.

“Oh yea? I always had that.” Patcher held the straps of her bikini top and hopped up and down, bobbing her breasts around as she adjusted her top. Duct Tape glanced over his shoulder and adjusted his glasses.

“No, not like usual…” He slid his laptop out from under his arm and pointed the webcam at Patcher. “Try that again?” Patcher smiled happily and bent over, cupping her boobs and bouncing them around. They did feel a little… heavier? More wobbly, to be sure…

“Yep. You got an upgrade with the update,” Duct confirmed. “You totally have HD tits.”

“I have what?” Patcher asked as Night Shift waltzed over and poked her in the boob. It wobbled around as Patcher blushed.

“They updated your boob physics,” Duct confirmed. “You can see where the update budget went this month. This game gave more tech to your boobs than they did grenade shrapnel.”

“Is money well spent,” Skullfucker said, groping Patcher’s other breast that Night wasn’t poking. Patcher just blushed until Ghost Shot came over and swatted their hands away. She went behind Patcher and put her arms protectively around her neck and shoulders for a loose hug.

“Come on, girls. She’s still a person,” Ghost defended. Patcher smiled proudly.

“A video game person,” Chainslash pointed out.

“Fair,” Ghost conceded. “But she’s also my girl.” Ghost lowered an arm to slide a hand into the blonde’s bikini top. “Which means these 3-D titties belong to me.”

Patcher gave a short whoop of surprise, bouncing up to her tiptoes. Her nipples were still hard from the punishment game, and Ghost usually wasn’t this bold with her in front of the others.

“Looks like someone’s enjoying the beach!” Patcher noted as she leaned up and kissed under Ghost Shot’s chin.

“Says the girl who just orgasmed in the middle of the ocean,” Ghost chuckled. “I’ve just been spending too much time with you. Though not having bullets flying past my head is a nice touch too.”

“Whatever gets you off, weirdo,” Pockets laughed as she hopped up and down experimentally in the water. A handful of teammates would occasionally pop out of sight for another game but there were enough of them that most of the team could enjoy the main setpiece in the meantime. They ate barbecue, dipped into the pool under the imaginary heat, and Ghost and Patcher tried a crude swim class for those interested. It was a couple hours in when an alarm started to blare from the other side of the beach.

“Called it! Come onnnn giant shark raid-boss!” Pocket chimed. She reached behind her and pulled out a large firework that she braced over her shoulder. Instead, the sand on the far side of the beach rumbled and rose, taking the shape of walls and towers as it went. Tons of sand hardened and shifted off itself as an actual castle made of the stuff towered over them. Pocket heard a beep and checked her wrist, a blue wristband with “WaifuWars909” printed on it.

“Looks like King Of the Sandcastle is here, people!” Ghost called out, slapping sharply. “Check your login IDs and see if you’ve got a player.”

“You got it, Ghost Dad,” Anarchy said dismissively as she jogged into the castle’s sandy gates.

“Shootin’ you first, Annie!” Ghost called after her. She shook her head as she unfolded a large and complex water gun from her back. She checked her wrist and held it up with a smirk. “Go, Red Team.”

Patcher quickly checked hers. “Blue. See you when it’s over, ‘kay?” 

“Sounds like a good reason for me to make it quick.” Ghost pumped her rifle and gave Patcher a wink as she went off into the sandcastle, going their different directions. Patcher ended up waiting next to Chainslash (now equipped with a massive pool noodle instead of his trademark chainsaw), Night Shift and Oni-Chan.

“Two Healers, huh?” Chainslash grunted. “I can live with that.”

“Keeping you alive is the idea,” Night said with a sluggish nod. “Just let me know if you need another Tank and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I’ve got the kissing and grinding covered,” Patcher reported brightly.

“Thank goodness,” Oni said with a nod. “We’ll have short range but I think we can use that to control the tight hallways.”

“Just like…” Patcher started. “Maybe go easy on Ghost? She’s probably in the like, top of the walls thing…”

“Parapet?”

“Yea! The top part! So maybe just like chase her off?”

“You’d better just hope I’ve got a lousy player,” Chain huffed, waving his foam noodle around. “Besides, what am I gonna do to her with this freakin’ thing?” He chuckled gruffly. “Oh right… I can think of a thing or two… OW!” Chain jolted as Night Shift shot him in the arm with her dart gun. 

“Just testing,” the bat mutant said dryly, but she gave Patcher a listless smirk before she stretched out her wings.

“Well thanks for letting me know this shit stings as much as ever,” Chain grunted. A whistle blew and the team went rushing off from the spawn point. Night Shift folded up her umbrella and took off into the air with a firm beat of her wings, but she only circled for a few seconds before a massive cracking sound went off. A jet of water like a split-second’s worth of a fire hose crossed the air and blasted Night right in the chest. She dropped like a stone and bounced off the beach’s sand.

“I’m okay,” Night managed to gasp before her body vanished from the map.

“Got a lock on their base,” Oni-chan reported, pulling out his katana. It was bright orange and clearly inflated, squeaking as it left his sheath. “I am… so fuckin’ dishonored right now.”

Oni went scaling up a wall to start sneaking around while the scarred up Chainslash nudged Patcher. “Think I can get buff off of you? I can tank a couple headshots if I need to that way.”

“Oh! Yea! Totally!” Patcher chirped. “I’m just surprised you asked.”

“Yea, well you’ve got at least two psycho bitches and the brain kid who would kick my ass if I tried anything too crazy,” Chain grumbled, raising his foam pool toy. “That and I’m not feelin’ the most menacing waving this shit around.”

“I mean, if you gotta let loose… go ahead. It really doesn’t hurt that much when I’m deployed on the field. OOH!” Patcher squeaked as Chainslash lifted her off the ground by her hips, pinning her to the wall before ripping off her bikini bottoms.

“Hey, just try not to tear those cuz I like that outfit! Thanks!” Patcher called quickly as he flung her bottoms away. Chain lowered his swim trunks and rammed himself into her hard enough that some of the sand came shaking off the walls. Patcher’s eyes crossed for a moment before she regained her senses. Chain was one of the more hung of her teammates and certainly one of the roughest. She wrapped her legs and arms around him to get some semblance of balance besides the sandcastle wall, letting Chainslash ram into her and bounce her body on his oversized cock. The burly psycho caught her by the hair to help pull her down, pressing her harder against his shaft.

A water balloon splashed into the side of Chainslash’s head, causing him to glare over his shoulder at Anarchy. The bathing suit Brit pulled another one off the belt around her sling bikini. “Gimme a sec,” Chain growled as he pulled back out of Patcher with a wet pop. He grabbed the pool noodle and bull rushed the bomber, taking another balloon before he body checked her into the wall behind her. She grunted as she was crushed against the wall, buried between the hard sand and his fat shaft/gut before he started whacking her with the noodle.

“Ow! Ow! Fuck! Okay, I give, ya bloody tosser!” Anarchy shouted as she shielded her head, curling up as her body vanished. Patcher was already behind Chainslash as he turned around, breathing heavily through his gritting teeth. She went to her knees and popped him into her mouth without another word.

“Gobba geb dah helffp ubb,” she gurgled around her mouthful of dick.

“Sure. Whatever,” the slasher chortled, palming the back of her head in his scarred palm. A few rough pushes mashed the thick dick down her throat, making Patcher moan as her breasts slapped against his thighs. She started to coke as his thick load shot down her throat, making her back up and cough a few thick chunks of white onto his shaft.

“Okay… you good?” she asked in a raspy voice.

“Oh, I’m ready to let ‘er rip,” Chain chortled darkly.

“Red Team is capturing the point,” droned a voice from somewhere overhead.

“Not on my watch,” Chainslash growled as he rushed around the corner. Patcher went running after him on her jet heels. They arrived to find Oni-Chan on the point, slicing Gladiator down the front of his unarmored chest. The big Irishman staggered but as he aimed his plasma pistol, Oni’s trap went off on the wall and bound him in a large metallic net.

“Yea! That’s how we do back on the ninja streets!” Oni gloated. Chainslash just landed a homerun swing to Glad’s head. The massive man went down from the face full of foam and crashed to the floor.

“I’m startin’ to like this thing,” Chain chuckled as Patcher ran over to Oni.

“You’re looking banged up. Let me make it better.” Patcher caught the urban ninja by the back of his head and pulled him into a tonguey kiss. He started to relax when a quick, slight pain hit them both as a burst of water hit the wall behind them.

“Hey there, Juliet!” Ghost called from her position in the sandy ramparts as they dove for cover. She noisily cocked back her sniper water-pistol. “I swear that me shooting at you is a Red Team, Blue Team thing, not me being jealous!”

“That’s super healthy of you!” Patcher shouted back from her spot behind a pillar. “I think!”

“It’s really not!” Chain yelled out as Patcher blasted him with a quick headshot. He spat out the water and shook his head as a shrill, animalistic shriek pierced through the air.

“Watch the skies!” Night Shift shouted as she divebombed Ghost Shot. She tackled into her and pinned her down, biting her neck and slurping loudly. Her usually dreary expression lit up and turned red as she drained her. Ghost’s body vanished as Night let out a low hiss and her breasts suddenly bulged out another couple cup sizes. The sex sight of her random boob growth was spoiled as she suddenly grew another two feet taller, hunching low as black fur and wiry muscle sprouted all across her body. Her wings grew wider and longer as fangs sproutsed from her monstrous mouth and long, pointed ears popped out of her shaggy hair. Her lacey swimsuit hung off her body like her dress normally would be. Her were-bat Ult form pounced across the upper level of the map in her odd, misshapen gait.

“Yo, Annie! Where’d you get SON OF A BITCH!” Pocket Rocket’s voice shrieked from somewhere. “I’m never going to get used to that look, Nighty!”

Between her rampaging the upper levels and their two healed up melee fighters camped out on the point, Patcher’s team won the bout. The sandcastle crumbled around them as they walked casually back towards the rest of the team. Ghost caught Patcher around the waist from behind, kissing her cheek.

“Does it still hurt, Bam?” Ghost asked fondly.

“Oh the regeneration took care of that like, right away. You’re the one who actually died.”

Ghost smirked and rubbed her neck. “Yea, a couple times. Just glad to be out of there.”

“Because you got eaten alive?”

“Sorry about that,” Night Shift added quietly, back under her perched umbrella and smiling serenely in her human form. Ghost just sniffed.

“Nah, because I think Roadblocker didn’t fuck up this next load of burgers. Let’s get ‘em. I’m as close to being actually hungry as I’ve ever been.”

“So jelly,” Patcher giggled. “I’ve never been hungry. I wonder what it’s like.”

“It’s bad. Why would you want to feel it?” Pocket asked as she waddled after them.

“It is? Oh… I mean, not ALL bad, right?”

“It literally kills you, Patches,” Ghost added. “If you do it long enough.”

“Wow! Wait, like, really kills you, or respawn kills you?”

“Permadeath,” Night said calmly. Withered to flesh and bone until there is no more flesh to take.”

“Oh wow… I’d HATE being hungry,” Patcher decided.

“Then shot ya gobba and et up, y’cunt.” Roadblocker scooped up a couple more burgers and passed them off to the girls.

The team popped in and out for some more games, but they were thankfully a lot shorter and less intense than they were used to. As the evening rolled around, a few of them got caught up in a game of volleyball between a few gold-ranked players. It went on for so long that the others just sat around the small fire, eating and drinking as they killed their time.

“So here’s my question,” Patcher piped up out of nowhere. “What would you want to do?”

“Like… right now?” Duct Tape asked, glancing up from his computer. He was caught up playing a digital game of scrabble with Psych and losing against the young psychic.

“Like, ever. Like what if you were in the world or gamers and programmers, where you can do anything. Not just like… jump and shoot. What would you do first?”

“You’re still caught up on that hungry thing, huh?” Ghost asked beside her, popping the last of her hotdog into her mouth. “Cuz I’m okay with just shooting.”

“Right! It’s fun… I bet. But what would you do? What’s something crazy you just wanted to do to see what it’s like?”

“Kill a man,” Bitchbot answered quickly. “But like… the good kind. Slowly. Like get my thighs around his neck and just squeeze until his eyes start to-”

“Aye! Right! Good answer,” Gladiator cut in, clearing his throat over the sadistic robot. “I never thought much about it… I guess I’d take a walk.”

“Walking? Seriously? You do that now,” Oni pointed out.

“Ye know what I mean. Like more than half a kilometer across a map with one or two turns to it. Like down a whole road or city or somethin’.”

“I dunno…” Duct muttered, adjusting his glasses. “I guess I’d make a video game.”

“See? Now that sounds fun,” said Patcher.

“Cuz y’know. If we exist, then they’d exist. I’d basically be playing god with their lives, which sounds pretty cool…”

“Y’all know you bitches are sociopaths, right?” Oni asked from his squatting position by the fire. “I guess I’d avenge my parents… but they’re not real, so eh. That or chew bubblegum.”

“All the badasses chew gum,” Ghost pointed out. “That’s why they’re always out of it.” Bork barked at her and nobody reacted for a moment.

“I don’t… Bork, that’s pretty vague,” Patcher answered. She knew his quick responses, but when he actually tried to say something meaningful, she was out of her element.

“He said ‘chase a cat up a tree,” Psych answered curtly as he glanced up from his phone. Everyone stopped staring at Bork to stare at him. “What?”

“Now YOU can understand him?” Gladiator asked.

“Yea. You guys can’t?” When they didn’t answer (beyond Patcher beaming hugely), he shook his head. “Yea. I barely listen to you guys half the time, so I just skim your surface thoughts and get the idea of what you’re saying.”

“That’s so cool!” Patcher gushed. She leaned over and squeezed the younger character to her chest. Psych rolled his eyes but leaned into the hug. “Finally somebody else has ANY idea what Bork is saying! I thought I was the only one! You really ARE just like me!” The husky barked happily and ran over to join the mess of attention as Psych pet him and Patcher broke up the hug.

“Read a book,” Dr Dragon replied dryly. She lounged back in a beach chair, petting her white dragon lazily. The red one was bounding around in the water, boiling patches of it with his fire breath. “One that’s got more than three pages and isn’t just there for clumsy idiots to knock off the shelves during the loading time.”

“I would get a haircut,” Skullfucker decided calmly. “Not because it’s too long, but because it sounds like an odd experience. It would just grow right back, nyet?”

“I don’t think the creators have permanent character models like we do,” Patcher said. Once nobody else seemed to answer right away she spoke up. “I’d want a baby.”

“Whoaaaa,” Ghost said warily, taking her hands off Patcher to hold them up like Patcher had a gun on her. A number of the teammates reacted with variously shocked or confused looks.

“What? What’d I say? Oh! Not like that! I’d want to like… SEE a baby. I keep seeing them on youtube clips and they look adorable. All squishy and bouncin’ around… kind of like me!”

“Kind of,” Ghost chuckled as she calmed back down. “You just scared me for a minute there. Cuz you know what that all means, right?”

“Yea. Starting a family, settling down… I mean, that sounds neat and all, but I like playing with you guys too much to quit all that.”

“No, I mean like…” Ghost paused to wave a hand and stall for time. Patcher had fucked about everyone on the team at this point, but the programmers sure didn’t put pregnancy into the game. “DO you know where babies come from?”

Patcher looked shocked at first, but snorted a small laugh. “Oh. Yea. Duh! I’ve been on the internet a lot when I was still on the no-play-list.” Ghost chuckled quietly and set her worries aside.

“In fact I still keep up to date on the fanfiction part of the forums.”

“Wait…”

“Cuz if I got pregnant, Shieldmaiden would have to drink a potion and grow a penis.”

“Waaaaait,” Ghost urged more firmly. Shieldmaiden just roared with laughter.

“And like a freaky four-foot-long penis!” Patcher went on with a bright smile, gesturing out to her sides. “So she’d shoot like gallons of cum in me at once and I’d inflate to like twice my size-”

“Hoo boy,” Gladiator huffed. “I’m getting another beer.”

“Oh I am gonna be sick,” Anarchy groaned, rubbing her eyes.

“Baby, we need to talk,” Ghost urged her. She clapped a hand over Patcher’s mouth, lifting it once she stopped talking to kiss her on the lips. “You’ve been on the wrong part of the internet.”

“Nah, start again. And go slower!” Pocket came back from her game with Shade walking meekly behind her. She blushed as she followed the tiny alien like she had an invisible leash on her, only stopping when Pocket Rocket did to hop up and smack her on the ass. They were both breathing heavily and dripping with sweat. “Anyways, guess who won the match! This plus-sized musclecunt knows how to play ball!”

“Thank you, mistress,” Shade muttered as the muscular black woman shifted awkwardly.

“Well good for you!” Patcher said cheerily. “It sounded like a really intense match.”

“Yea, those players knew what they were doin’, and my jumbo slut kept up with ‘em without a bit of lag. So just fair warning.” She pointed towards one of the comfortable little vacation huts by the beach. “I’m gonna be busy rewarding the fuck out of this bitch, so not my fault for anything you see if you come in without knocking.” Pocket marched off towards the shack and Shade followed her lead, everyone a bit glad for the random interruption of the topic at hand.

“Well, their game’s finally over,” Ghost said, standing up and stretching. “So we’re back on call.” A row of surfboards appeared along the beach of various colors, a fresh blue wristband appearing on Psych’s wrist.

“Ah man,” he protested as he stuffed his phone into his pocket. “Stupid physical activity.”

“Remember that it always makes you lean left first!” Ghost called after him. She smiled and shook her head until Patcher tapped her on the shoulder. She looked back at the smiling blonde who flicked a finger across the air in front of her. A small screen floated in the air, showing the forums as she scrolled down the fanart page. She stopped on one post in particular; it was stylized as hell with their noses reddened, Ghost’s body androgynously bulky, and their facial features very angular, but it was clearly the two of them by the hair and skin color. They were dressed in casual clothes and holding a baby in their arms together that was the exact shade of pinkish brown between the two of them.

“I just thought it was cute,” Patcher said happily. She kissed Ghost on the cheek as she hopped to her feet and ran towards the waves. “Woohoooo! Surfing!!”