Your Favorite Healslut 5: Ninja'd

Well this is a big one and I've done what? 3 chapters of this within a month or so?  

I think you deserve some reason, which I only figured out myself. To be fair, you can skip this part if you want and get to the story. I know some of you love this one, and Patcher shows a lot of growth from the desperate and scared girl she was in part 1.

It was never my intention while writing this but eventually I had to ask myself why. It’s a fun story and a neat world. I love meta stories and a self-aware but disliked video game character is a strangely deep character. She started out as a pun, then I had fun making up love-to-hate characters for her to interact with, then she was genuinely pitiable by the end of the first story and her happiness in the end was strange but charming. The story’s a weird Wreck It Ralph meets Overwatch so it’s easy and fun to write.

I think I also mentioned being a little bit slow lately. I was busy with holidays and helping my fiance with some stuff and I’m trying to push two of my only real (aka not that sexy) books in different ways since late last year. Validation is there and I have support from people, but just how much self worth was there was a little fuzzy for a while. I started to fall behind on some commissions and I’m cutting back on that a little more, but the basics was can I balance the porn writing life with the regular fiction while I ease from one to the other. 

Patcher was this dumb, inspirational bimbo of a puppy that I kept writing for some reason. I’ve really had almost nothing but praise from my writing, don’t get me wrong. A few “not for us thanks” rejection letters are the worst I’ve got from book agents. Patcher gets called a whore a few times and gets dicks shoved in her mouth and has been mentioned to break down into outright tears on several occasions, but it’s always better for her to know she made someone else happy. When she’s stripped naked and fucked by four teammates and an enemy, it’s ok  because she provided the distraction and buffed her allies. She knows what they think, and every time a player clicks “Okay” on her trashy, flirty character profile she feels the love and validates her. She useful and happy, no matter what she has to do for it. 

That’s… kind of me. I’m never really depressed, but I was writing fiction forever, but the sex stuff was more fun to write. It always made at least one person happy and that made it worth it. Hundreds of likes on some of my Hentai Foundry and a little skip in my heart every time I got a Notice on here. It’s quality, smutty fun that I’m glad so many people can find something to like about. So I guess thanks for liking me as your Healslut. Like, symbolically. Though I do play a mean Mercy...

"Wooooohoo~!" Ghost Shot shuddered as she felt a tingle run through her entire being. She twitched and even her vision blurred as she gasped and came on Patcher's face. The blonde giggled from the foot of the bed, licking her lips as she got up to her knees.

"See? I told you I could do it. Came right after the update kicked in, didn't you?"

"I will never doubt you again, Bambi," Ghost confessed, petting Patcher on the head and sitting up to kiss her. "That felt ridiculously good."

"Know what else is good?" Patcher giggled, leaning on her palm. "Watching you do situps just to kiss me. Rawr!" She ran a hand over Ghost Shot's abs where a small snake tattoo ran up the side of her belly. Ghost grinned and treated her to a show by performing a few more, letting her watch her abs tense up and down as she kept sitting up to smooch her again until Patcher giggled wildly. Ever since they had become an official couple (technically not canon, but the players had their suspicions on the forums), they had been spending a lot more time together. Patcher was even starting to show a little self-esteem and Ghost was starting to smile more often.

"So you're the forum expect," Ghost said as she finally laid on her back. Patcher snuggled up to her lean lover as the sniper pulled her shorts back on. "What can we expect from this one."

"Well... they added a couple of simple modes and maps. We've got a Tokyo Streets map... oh! And that new character people have been looking forward to! The jumpy guy!"

"Jumpy guy," Silvia repeated, giving the blonde an incredulous look.

"Yea. He jumps and wears a mask and has the sword, so he's like 'Woosh! Hachaaa!" She gave a gave swinging motion with her hands as Ghost watched her in amusement.

"You mean a ninja?"

"Yea! That guy! Oni-San!"

"Yoooo, people! Time to hail to the prince!" A voice of some deep-voiced teen came from the other side of the door in the main waiting room. Ghost rolled her eyes and reached for her pants.

"I'm worried already," she grumbled. The two of them got dressed and went back out to the meeting room with all the pretentious-looking computers and monitors. It was the first time Ghost saw Oni, but it told her a lot. He was a young man who wore some loose karate pants over steel-toed boots and had bandages wrapped around his fists and forearms. A short katana-like weapon was stuck through his belt (of which he had several), and a number of pouches and cases were strapped in as well. He wore a loose red shirt with a green bandana tied over the lower half of his face, exposing just his eyes and his dreaded black hair. From all she had heard, however, Ghost was most surprised to find out that his skin was a dark shade of black. Thankfully, she wasn't the only one.

"So wait a bleedin' minute," Anarchy pressed, sitting on a seat ahead of the proudly standing ninja. "You're a ninja? Like a real modern day ninja?"

"Damn right," Oni said with a nod, rattling his dreads along with his head. He paused and shook them back out of his face. He was technically only a few seconds old so, physically speaking, so he wasn't used to his hair yet.

"WHY are there ninja? It's... what year is it again in this fuckin' game?" Anarchy looked up to Big Bolt. He beeped a few times. "Yea, it's 2086 (I think). Why are there still ninjas?"

"Raised by the yakuza. Expert assassin." Oni picked a throwing knife out of his pouches and twirled it on his finger.

"Yea, but why?"

"Saw my potential. Adopted me into their order and made me the heir to the order."

"Well that's dumb of them," Anarchy scoffed. Duct Tape was tapping on his laptop gun behind them, skimming over the update data.

"It says here you're African, not Japanese," he reported.

"Well yea. Born there, adopted early on, so I'm Japanese-raised..."

"And you're stationed in America," Duct added.

"Right, cuz my dad's the crime lord and his rivals keep sending me on the most dangerous missions..."

"In California?"

"Yep. Ninja'ing bitches left and right."

Dr Dragon decided she had enough and walked away from the conversation. Duct Tape bit back a laugh while Anarchy just shook her head. Gladiator whistled and clicked his tongue. "Christ, lad. I don’t think it’s yer da’s enemies. It sounds like even your backstory hated ya!" The remaining teammate snickered as Oni’s expression dropped into a frown.

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, stepping up to the armored giant. He found himself looking much higher up than he’d hoped and quietly questioned his decision.

“Kid, it’s not your fault,” Shade pointed out as she bit back her laughter. “But you’re a teenage African Japanese California yakuza ninja prince! You sound like a bad 80s movie.”

"I do not!" Oni snapped, turning to glare at her instead from behind his mouth-guarding bananda. "It's a badass story. It's why I can run circles around all of y'all and kill without even needing a gun."

"So does the Healslut," Bitchbot laughed. "Except she's at least smart enough to be quiet about it. If you're going to brag, you better be as broken as Nerfinator here."

"Ach! Are they still callin' me that! They already dropped the damage on me plasma pistol to utter shite!"

"Look, y'all don't even know what you're talking about! You'll see what I can do once we're on the battlefield," Oni cut back in. He didn't like being picked on, but he didn't like being ignored either.

"Alright, people. Quit gawking at the new guy." Everyone looked over to her and Ghost as they finally approached, their unofficial leader trying to do the rookie ninja a favor. "He's right. The games are going to start up again in a few minutes so go get your shit together." She turned back to Oni and held out a hand. "Ghost Shot. I assume you got a rundown on the crew already."

Oni eyed her hand suspiciously for a moment before he went into an elaborate handshake. Ghost remained stock still and let him do the heavy lifting as she held her hand steady. "Oni-San from the Hibiki Clan. They sent me a bunch of data while I was getting programmed in, but I figured I'd figure it out as I ran into y'all."

"Hey, why do you say y'all?" The rest of the team looked up as Patcher spoke up.

"Whatcha mean?"

"Like aren't you Japanese? Is that like... like a Southern y'all or like a..." Patcher trailed off and stared at him, biting her lip. “Cuz I know it’s not a black thing! Shade is black and she doesn’t say y’all... "

"Oh my god," Ghost muttered as she palmed her face, but the rest of the group had already started to snicker at least. Oni looked annoyed, but at least he wasn't blowing up at her dumbass but harmless question.

"Neither. It's how they use it on the streets, whoever you are," Oni said sternly. "It's how they say it when you're slayin' a dude in an alley without makin' a sound in the dead of night..."

"By fuckin' Disneyland?!" Anarchy blurted in disbelief. "Seriously, how much is the Yakuza doin' in Cali?!"

"I liked his little poem about his night time walks," Chainslash snorted before breaking into a belly laugh. Oni scowled at them and shook his head, picking up his shortsword and marching off towards the exit.

Ghost let out a sigh and looked to Patcher. "Well this must be a load off your mind."

"Huh? Why?" Patcher asked, looking up like she had just noticed someone was talking.

"Poor guy's getting torn a new one, and he's not even a healer. Suddenly you're not the bottom of the pecking order."

"Oh..." Patcher's blank expression dimmed as she looked after the urban ninja.

"Relax. He'll show his stuff on the field and they'll cut him some slack."

BLAM!

"Orrrr not," Ghost muttered. Patcher was beside her, cringing as she watched Oni's corpse ragdoll back across the battlefield. They were on offense in a Checkpoint match, and no matter how many times he rushed in or how fast he was, Oni was always blown away by the other team's Shade or Skulfucker or any number of long-range characters.

"Oof. I got 'em," Patcher assured her, giving Ghost a quick peck on the cheek.

"Let 'em respawn," Chainslash grunted as he burst out of the base. "He's thirty feet from the spawn gate. Just come back me up and I'll rip 'em to pieces!" The fat, hooded psycho revved up his chainsaw and Ghost rolled her eyes.

"He's right, you know. You'd be wasting your cooldown. Go with him, babe. I'll keep an eye out to find ninja boy a different route next time."

Chainslash snorted beneath his hood, shaking his head. "It's still weird hearin' you call the Healslut 'babe."

"Maybe it's because I need to clean your ears out for you," Ghost said, keeping her eyes down the barrel of her rifle but holding up her handgun, aiming it casually at Chainslash. The hood hid his face, but he still physically recoiled after her sudden capping. "Now move out, you two."

Chainslash grunted and jumped off the rooftop, stomping a small crater in the ground while Patcher floated down after him with her rocket heels. She lifted his hood to patch up the fall damage with a quick kiss, Ghost smirking and shaking her head. She wondered if she would be jealous after they had started dating (not that there was much for date spots in the game), but she knew it was her job. If she didn't trot around kissing and sucking off everyone because it made them stronger, she wouldn't be Patcher.

"Son of a baka!" Oni kicked the door of the base open as he scowled across the battlefield. "Are we sure they're not cheating?"

"Pretty sure," Ghost reported. A booming gunshot roared across the roof as she shot down the enemy Bork. "They sure die like they're playing fair."

"Then it's about time they did by my hand!" Oni drew his blade with a few fancy twirls and flourishes.

"Maybe go subtle this time. You're a literal assassin. I've been scoping out the right flank, and they don't seem as covered back there. Maybe you can slip in there."

"Right. I can handle that." Oni adjusted his gi pants and speedo before he dove off the roof, kickflipping off the wall and sprinting towards the target. Ghost nodded as she kept an eye on him. He could sure make it look good and cover a lot of ground...

But as soon as he hit Roadblocker's wall, its owner popped around the corner. The scrappy Aussie mechanic popped him with a few nail guns to the face and Oni crumbled limply at his feet. Ghost sighed and shook her head, blasting the builder in the arm before he ducked back out of cover. She counted down quietly to herself before Oni burst back in.

"For fuck-san's sake!" Oni snapped as he reappeared behind her.

"Not sure that's how Japanese works, amigo," Ghost replied casually, still waiting on her belly. "But you kinda walked into that one. Roadblocker always guards his constructs."

"How was I supposed to know that?!"

"Just experience. Honestly, just keep calm and try new strategies. We were all new once in our..." There was a wet gagging noise as Oni collapsed to the ground next to her. Ghost Shot glanced at the corpse before looking behind her as Bitchbot dropped her cloak, smirking as she aimed her wrist-mounted weapon at her next. "Lives. Shit." Ghost tried to roll over and fire, but she was basically trash in close combat. A few spikes put her down as Bitchbot moaned and rubbed herself up and down for a quick taunt, just to cloak away again.

A few rounds in and Oni was not doing much better. He got a few slashes in on enemies but they always shot him down before he got very far. He finally managed to get the jump on a Duct Tape, leaping off a wall and taking him down with one mighty slash. He was promptly picked off as Skullfucker triggered her Ult, sending a wave of drooling zombies after him and tearing him apart. At least he wasn't scoring another zero...

Healslutfan42069: "Fuck, you are bad at this."

UniBear PartII: "First time with the character."

Healslutfan42069: "Git gud, bitch."

UniBear PartII: "You can do better?"

Healslutfan42069: "..."

Healslutfan42069: "Check my rank, bro."

UniBear PartII: "Holy shit."

UniBear PartII: "Sempai."

UniBear PartII: "Teach me your god-tier shit."

Healslutfan42069: "Only if you call me mommy."

Healslutfan42069: "I'm waiting."

UniBear PartII: "Can you help me practice, mommy?"

Healslutfan42069: "Mmm, that's the good shit."

Healslutfan42069: "Training mode. After this."

Oni woke up to a low grunting and a faceful of big white ass. He blinked the light out of his eyes before just admiring the view of the twerking ass just over his head, Patcher turning around and mounting his crotch. She started to grind up and down, tossing her hair back as she motorboated his face into her breasts.

"Whoa! Whoa! Nani the fuck is this!?" Oni pulled his face out of her rack and shook his head, slapping his dreadlocks against Patcher's breasts in a way that made her giggle. "I ain't dead yet! What are you, a necrophile?"

"No, I don't do zombies. That's Skulls over there."

Oni furrowed his brow at her to think about what she just said. "Necromancer. You're thinking necromancer. English is like my third language and I know the difference, slut."

"Is it really?" Patcher asked, tilting her head ditzily. "It doesn't show, cuz you're English is really like... good and stuff."

Oni grunted and slumped back to the ground. "I don't know what the fuck you're doing but you might as well keep goin'. I'm not doin' shit on this team anyway."

"Oh, I was reviving you! Cuz you were like, super dead." Patcher smiled brightly as she stood up, taking his hand and helping pull him to his feet. "I thought you got so far this time I might as well bring you back for another shot."

"You just motorboated me back to life?"

"Well, lapdance really. But I have this healing serum in me, it's kind of my backstory, but that's really not important. It's not as cool as yours with the whole mafia samurai thing."

"Dammit, I'm a ninja." Oni huffed and pulled his sword back out. "I'm gonna sepuku that zombie bitch up and get my revenge."

"No you're not."

Oni glared back at Patcher. "Why not? You here to talk shit about me too?"

"No, cuz the timer's almost out."

"The what?!"

Patcher took his hand and held up his wrist, showing him the blue wristband that matched her own. The last 5 seconds ticked down before the announcer voice declared "Red Team Wins!"

"See? You can tell a lot of stuff that's going on with this thing." Patcher tapped her wrist as she waited to be loaded back onto the ship. Thankfully, nobody was really dueling her lately beyond that one weird time. "So how did you like the game? Pretty exciting, huh?"

"I died like twenty times," Oni scoffed. "Nobody takes me seriously. I can barely land a hit on anybody..."

"Yeaaa." Patcher nodded knowingly. "I've got that too. You get used to it."

"You what?"

"I what?" Patcher asked, looking surprised.

"How do you know what all that's like?" Oni pressed on.

Patcher scoffed with her pouty dick-sucking lips. "Seriously? Look at me!" Patcher twirled on one foot, shaking the cat-tail that came out of her panties and raising one of her rocket-powered high heels. "I literally suck dicks for health boosts and I don't own a gun. I don't even have that cool sword like you do. Or the, you know..." She bit her lip and winced. "The jumping... thing. Is that racist?"

"Is what?"

"Is it racist that I just said you can jump really good?"

"I don't need this," Oni sighed, shaking his head as he leaned against one of the cathedral walls. "You can quit wasting your revives on me and you can stop trying to be polite. I'll just wait until the next update where they either fix me or delete me."

"No!" Patcher hurried up to him, grabbing his hand in both of hers and squeezing it tightly. She had the most serious expression he'd seen on her face since he'd met her a few hours ago. "You shouldn't have to be like that!"

"What? Shitty?" Oni asked, more disappointed than snippy now.

"To be hard on yourself! You just don't know what you're good at yet (besides jumping, sorry). I'm positive you can do something that nobody else can! Why else would they have added you to the game?" Patcher tapped her chin and thought for a minute. "What are your Specials like?"

"My what?"

"You know. Your powers. What happens when you hit the E button?"

"The mother baka what?!"

Patcher winced at his reaction. "Ouch. Okay. Basics. Well... how about this? I know this place where nobody hangs out anymore. It's this old level back in Canada that's just this old construction site full of stuff. I know Gladiator would go there to when he wanted target practice! ...or sometimes if I wanted to go somewhere to cry."

"Nani?"

"Point is, come with me. We've got a lot of practice to do, but I bet we can make you into someone really great and special." She offered him a hand and gave a big genuine smile that caught the ninja off guard. He looked puzzled, but then grasped her hand and bowed.

"I am Onikawa Hibiki. I appreciate your efforts, Healslut-san."

The cool and snowy spot was as empty as Patcher had predicted. It was an outdated map that the programmers had just converted for use as training mode, putting a bunch of targets and girders around for testing guns and movement. Oni-San finally loaded in, seeing Patcher waving to him. Next to her was a hulkingly huge robot with a very simple face made of lights and wearing a three piece suit. The burly robot waved to him casually while Patcher ran off to him with a big smile. A quick bark sounded as a husky with a robotic leg ran after her with a gun turret strapped to his back.

"You made it! Great!" she said cheerily. "This is Big Bolt. He's kind of a friend of mine. I think it's cuz he can't talk so he can't call me names, but he seems sweet. Oh and this is Bork! He was the new guy before you, but I think he’s actually nice cuz he’s a dog. Aren’t you a nice boy, Borky? Yes you are!” Bork barked and ran a small circle around her as Patcher squatted down to pet him as he ran by.

Oni watched them grimly. "It seems like you have a lot of friends who can't speak English," he said as tactfully as he cared.

Patcher smiled as she got back up. "Nothing wrong with that. Besides, you should see my girlfriend."

"You have a girlfriend?" Oni furrowed his brow, surprised and a little skeptical.

"Oh yea! That was Ghost, the lady with the giant sniper rifle. Wow, you might have a point about me liking people who don't speak English. Like, Ghost can talk better English than me, but this one time I was like, allllll the way inside her and she starts saying something I don't understand but it was real loud and it sounded like Spanish. I think there was a 'puta' in there, and I know what that means cuz..."

"Are we... training?" Oni cut in, thumbing his nose to try and hide the subtle blush on his dark skin.

"Oh! Duh! Right," Patcher giggled. "Okay, so you're new, so I'm gonna like, go real slow, okay?"

"I get the impression slow is your specialty," Oni scoffed. "Go on."

"So if you sorta scrunch up your eyes and look at something real hard, whether it's me or the trees or something... you'll see your hub!"

"My what?"

"Your hub. Like a little hub you can go to so you can look at everything. It shows you your health and status and junk." Oni squinted at one of the girders buried in the ground until he saw some numbers pop up.

"200 HP, no ammo, my sword is my weapon..." he reported.

"Yes! That's your hub!"

"I think you mean HUD."

"Huh?"

"HUD. It means Heads Up Display. Other games use that, especially shooters."

"Oh... ohhhh that makes a lot more sense," Patcher mused, rubbing her lip thoughtfully. "Especially when Skull just stopped listening to me when I talked about it that one time..." Oni sighed and waiting for his ditzy mentor to go on. "Okay! So, everyone's got, like, about two special ablities. Like me!" Her high heels spouted from bluish flame before she started sprinting around, her ass wobbling with each large step. "I have rocket heels for one of mine. You saw my other one in the last match when I revived you with my dance."

"You could call it that..."

"So if you just go into like... the upper left corner of your mind..."

"The what?"

"Like..." Patcher rolled her eyes a bit into the upper left corner of her head. "Like up there. And think about that a little, you can activate it." Oni furrowed his brow and tried to follow her lead. "No, too far. Like next to your Tab button..."

With a flick of his wrist, Oni grabbed one of the pouches off his hip and flung them into a girder. It stuck there with a few mechanical clicks. "There! You did it! So you throw sticky traps. That's cool. So you're not really a charging tank so much as you-" Patcher was cut off as the pouch suddenly whirred and a bunch of steel cables shot out of it. They wrapped tightly around Patcher's body as she squealed and got bound to the metal, grunting and squirming. The strong chords seemed to have specifically avoided tying up her boobs, making them stick out from between her bindings while her legs were bound to be raised and spread wide, showing off her pink thong.

"Okay, see? You had a little bit of a delay on your move. That's cool. You're faster than everyone else, so you can run around laying traps and... nngh!" Patcher squirmed and pulled at her cables. "And apparently I can't move or attack. So that's when you could like, come in with your sword and finish me off. Like when you were talking about blood in the shadows or whatever. Soooo then you should have another one. Your Specials all have cooldowns, so it might take you a bit to use them again. Save 'em for someplace good and don't hit the like crazy. So try your other one. It should be a little bit next..." The cables snapped as Big Bolt approached and tore them off of Patcher.

"Oh! Right. Thanks, BB." He beeped something back and waved. "I kinda forgot that I was tied up for a sec. Not a lot of characters have stun abilities, so I forget to get unstuck sometimes." She smiled and pointed up at her temple. "The updates called it 'The Bimbo Feature.' Isn't that funny?"

Oni stared at her and frowned. "Are you alright?"

"Like, totally! Now come on. What else you got?" Oni took a deep breath and his upper body suddenly started darting around as he stood in place. Patcher frowned as he rapidly dodged around but didn't budge from his spot. "Oooookay. You got... got a little zippy dance. That's... cute."

"I don't think that's it," Oni corrected. Bork barked rapidly at him as he approached the ninja, getting him to reach for his sword.

"Oh, he's just asking you to do it again!"

"How do you know?"

"That's the bark he does for his 'Go Go Go' voiceline. You get to remember a few of them before long. So cool down and try it again. He's not gonna hurt you."

"Sorry, but I'm a master of stealth. Dogs are not normally the friend of a ninja." Oni sighed and focused for a moment before he did it again, almost spastically dodging around. Bork started to bark again as his backpack full of turrets sprang to life, peppering Oni-San with gunfire. "Ow! What the nani!?" Oni hissed as he dodgerolled away, catching himself on one hand and tumbling through the snow.

"OMG I'm so sorry! I thought he was going to do something smart, not shoot you in the face! That's a bad dog!" Patcher scolded, pointing at him. "You do not shoot without asking. Or I guess if they're on the other team."

"It's alright. It didn't hurt that much," Oni sighed, rubbing his arm. Patcher bit her lip and looked him up and down.

"Ohhh okay! You have an auto-dodge! You should have taken a lot more damage than that from his shots!" Patcher walked a few studious circles around him. "So when you hit that, you dodge like... half of the hits that come at you. That'll really screw up someone with rapid fire like Bork or Skullfucker." Oni looked puzzled but interested as he looked at his lower body along with her.

"So, what I'm seeing..." Patcher mused, biting her lip as she wracked her brain. "You don't charge, you ambush. You sneak around and hit them from behind, but that's not enough to finish them. You can beat them up, run away while you do your Ninja Dodge, and then lure them into your traps to finish them off. THAT'S why you were doing so... uh... challenging back there!" she corrected. "You're not a charger at all. You're like... a sneaky slappy melee man." Big Bolt gave a few low-pitched boops of disapproval.

"It's a work in progress. I dunno. But the point is, we'll need some practice. BB and Bork should be perfect for that! Bolt is another melee man so he'll be a good counter to you, and Bork's guns will test out your dodging and taking out long range guys. Let's just top you off first."

Oni looked down and remembered his lowered health. "Ah yea. I'll just respawn or jump off a cliff to uhhh 'scuse me?" Patcher had already walked up to him and gotten in his face, wrapping her leg around his waist and pulling down his bananda before she kissed him full on the mouth. Her tongue ran between his lips as she ground on the startled ninja, shutting her eyes while his went wide open. She cradled his face for a moment until slowly pulling back, a trail of saliva between their lips as she moaned.

"Not what I expected," Oni-San said quietly. "But appreciated."

Patcher giggled and smiled, tapping him on the chest. "Check your health, silly." He paused as his eyes focused and investigated. Fully healed. "You didn't see my other moves. I can heal with kisses, or anything else I can do to make oral contact."

"Sugoi... and you have a girlfriend?"

"Oh just a few weeks ago. But yea. She knows I need to heal everyone so it can't be helped. Besides, she's a sniper. I think she likes to watch." She giggled as she licked his spit from her lips. 

“Then… the dog?”

“Bork? What about him?” Patcher asked innocently.

“You don’t have to…”

“What? Oh! Ohhh right! Noooo no no no. No thanks. We have a special relationship. I heal him by petting him.” Oni looked relieved and nodded. 

“Yes! Of course. That makes a lot of sense.” Patcher didn’t mention that she had never really had to revive or buff Bork before… she had simply done her best to avoid the subject because she didn’t think simple petting would do the trick for something so severe and she didn’t want to find out. 

“Now come on! You two go to the other base and we'll see what we can do."

It was a fairly long series of test runs. Oni would run between the girders, jumping up steel beams or balancing his way across partially built flooring to try and sneak past Bork and Big Bolt. The first few times he was quickly mowed down by Bork's turret until Patcher reminded him that Bork could sniff out enemies for short periods. He figured out enough to double back at that point, leading the dog soldier down the wrong path before heading back towards the goal. Better yet, he could leave traps that Bork didn't smell; the dog was swiftly leashed to a tree and gave an annoyed groan before he started licking himself to pass the time.

Big Bolt was the real trouble. Like Patcher guessed, he was a fairly hard counter to the sword-slinging street ninja. If Bolt got the jump on him, a Piston Punch to the face knocked him out. If he struck too eagerly and chopped off his arm, the other arm punched him in the face. Even when he laid out his traps, bigger characters like Big Bolt weren't stunned for as long as they could still attack. He'd get stuck to a wall, but as soon as Oni came screaming in for the kill, Bolt caught him with a punch in the face.

"Maybe like... get punched less," Patcher offered as Oni respawned. "That strategy works for me a lot."

"But I HAVE to get in his punching range. You're not a melee fighter," Oni growled, starting to grow frustrated again.

"Yes I am."

"Nani?" Patcher threw a very stiff and basic jab ahead of her.

"See? All I can do is melee? No gun, no traps, just... boop." She punched the air again in the exact same way.

"But... that's pathetic," Oni said with a distasteful grimace. "How do you stay alive long enough to heal anyone?"

"Boop!" Patcher jabbed him in the nose while he was too busy being confused by her.

"Ow! Stop that!"

"Boop!" Patcher giggled as she jabbed him again, dancing around on her heels. "Wow, this is fun. You're lucky to be such a neat character."

"I am not! I mean, stop that!" Oni drew his sword like a warning, but she popped him with another punch in the chest. He swung his sword at her but Patcher fired up her jet heels and launched herself back over the melting snow. She circled him swiftly and rammed him with two more hooks to the ribs. "Ow! Stop it!"

"Make me!" Patcher chirped, giggling sweetly. "Jab jab jab! Gotcha!" Oni growled as she beat her fists weakly on his back. He spun around and threw his booby trap at her, but she ducked around it and ran to his other side for a quick hook to the guts.

"Stop it! This is why none of them take us seriously!"

"So what?" Patcher ducked under another swipe of his sword and caught him with a punch in the balls. Oni grunted hard and Patcher popped up to slap him across the cheek. "Who cares what they think? Did you think I could fight when you first saw me?"

"I'm still not convinced," Oni growled as he rubbed his cheek.

"Good!" As Oni wound up for another slash, Patcher grabbed his shoulders and kneed him in the balls inside his swing. Oni groaned and fell to his knees. "So long as you think I'm a slutty bimbo who can't do anything, the better I play. The chat says that only the real pro players know to aim for me first instead of the Tanks." Patcher twirled on her heel and swung her meaty hips to bump her butt into his face, knocking him flat on his back. Oni growled and got up to his feet again as Patcher hopped playfully around on her toes in a mock-boxing stance. Oni growled and charged at her, sword drawn and activating his Ninja Dodge. Patcher's punch whizzed past his face but she leapt back to avoid his sword, just to gasp as the trap went off. This time a bright black sludge sprayed over her like tar, sticking her to the ground as she tried to pick it off. Oni just rushed in and impaled her on his sword, the blade ramming right between her bouncy and sticky tits.

"Oh..." Patcher mewled, staring into space as the blade stayed buried in his teacher's chest. "Oh hey. You really... did it..." Patcher smiled with a sleepy expression before she slumped to the ground dead. Oni caught his breath and leaned on a pillar, twirling and sheathing his sword. It hadn't been his plan when they started, but kiting her towards the trap had really paid off. He felt guilty about it, but he was starting to come to terms with just how his weapon's range worked.

"Nice work!" Oni jumped as Patcher reappeared behind him. "Took you awhile, but you're getting it. So it looks like you've got a... like..." She held her hands partly away from her chest. "Here to here reach. Not too close, not too far. Interesting."

"Hai," Oni said with a nod. "I'm seeing that now. Thank you, Healslut-san. I am in your debt."

"Wellll..." Patcher said with a wince. "If you wanted to repay me... maybe don't?"

"Don't what?

"Don't... call me that?"

"I see. So you’re sayin’ we're close enough that I can call you Healslut-chan."

"That's worse," Patcher grumbled. "Maybe just Patcher? Patcher-chan if you really want? That would be a huge favor to me."

"Why would I call you that? I never heard anyone call you anything but Healslut."

"Cuz that's my name... like, my real codename. Everyone else just kinda... got really into calling me that after a while."

Oni gave her a slightly hurt look. "So your favor... is for me to call you by your real name?"

"If you could. No hurry. Just... maybe sometimes..."

Oni-San sighed and bowed his head, kneeling until his forehead was in the snow. "I've been a real piece of baka to you and y’all are still this nice to me. You remind me of one of my senseis."

Patcher giggled and blushed from the flattery. "Yea, well... I'm not exactly smart enough to be a SENSEI... whatever that is."

"It means teacher."

"Ohhh okay. That makes more sense, because I got a Hot For Teacher skin this season, and I think wearing those glasses make me, like, totally smarter, so..."

"Nevermind. It is an honor to learn under someone so patient."

"Well I remember being the unwanted one, so I can sympathize. People weren’t exactly patient with me and I know it hurts… but that just means you need to, like, believe in you that much harder and look for help whenever you can get it.” Patcher sighed wistfully and offered her hand. “Well we're almost caught up here. I've got one more idea we can try out, but we need to top you off. So let me tell you something that someone very wise and very important once told me."

"Please," Oni insisted, only just starting to raise his head.

"My favorite player Healslutfan42069, when we played our first game together... she wrote in the group chat, but I felt like she was talking just to me." Patcher cleared her throat as she put a gentle hand on Oni's head. "Git gud, scrub."

Oni blinked and gave her a confused look. "What does-?" Patcher uppercutted Oni in the jaw and knocked him out, dusting off her hands as she waited for him to respawn. He reappeared while rubbing his jaw, giving her a scowl.

"Sorry. I couldn't help myself. Plus that sword was really sharp last time." She patted him on the cheek and smiled. "Don't worry. I'll make it up to you. I'm gonna show you a trick that'll help you beat Big Bolt twice as fast."

Patcher went to her knees as she pushed him back, making him sit on a snowy pile of cinder blocks. She pulled down his gi pants before tugging on his boxers, seeing the ninja squirm in her grim. "Heals... er, Patcher-sensei..."

"Relax. I told you that you didn't see all my moves. I didn't show you how I can apply my health buff."

With the dark dick popping out of his shorts, Patcher licked her lips and met his eyes. "Not the only shortsword you're packing, huh?" Patcher giggled, tracing her finger along its length. "Well your secret's safe with me." She cupped his balls and slid her warm mouth over his shaft. Even with the light snow falling, they couldn't feel any cold. Patcher's breath still steamed as she breathed steadily through her nose, even when Oni grunted and grabbed her by the hair.

"Onegai... sensei..." Oni grunted, trying to urge her head back but his body feeling weak from arousal. Patcher giggled, which just made her mouthful of cock vibrate and take his strength away even quicker. "You don't have..."

"I don't have to do anything, hon," Patcher purred as she took her mouth off to stroke him some more. "I could sit back and let you stab me or trap me or do whatever you wanted. People call me a slut, but you know what?" She kissed the head of his cock with a long, low moan. "My body." She slurped her tongue along his shaft. "My sexuality." She kissed the rest of her way down until she sucked the flesh where his shaft met his balls. "And my Specials. And those are nobody else's business. I heal who I want to heal, buff who I want to buff, and fuck who I fuck. So why don't you come on and take me, ninja boy?"

Oni shivered and gripped his rocky seat as his eyes rolled back and bit his lip. "I... I couldn't..."

"Suddenly so shy," Patcher giggled. "The buff won't work until you let go... so let's step this up a little." She climbed into his lap and wrapped her legs around his waist. She didn't even need her hands to remove her underwear; she just expertly braced her hips so that the tip of his cock hooked at the edge of her thong, pulling it aside for her before she pushed her hips down and mounted him properly. Her talented hips ground in small circles, and when he tried to turn his face away she caught him by his bandana and turned him back to face her. She tugged it down and kissed him again, firmer and with the mashing of her big breasts against his chest. The half-undressed ninja couldn't resist any longer as he shivered and came, spraying his thick burst of cum inside her. Patcher kissed and held him for a while to keep him from falling off the cinder blocks.

"You doing ok there, Oni?" she asked gently.

"H-hai," he said vacantly. "I would be saying more, but I felt like I could only remember Japanese... and the programmers didn't know Japanese so I know about ten words..."

Patcher giggled and carefully slid off of him, helping to tug his pants back up before adjusting her underwear. "It's okay. It's your first time getting buffed. A lot of people react that way." Oni hopped up to his feet, looking curiously at his arms. "Yea, and you'll feel a little quicker and stronger. Your health and damage are up for a couple minutes, so..." She gestured towards the wreck of a construction sight. Oni nodded and drew his sword.

"I cannot thank you enough, Heal... Patcher-sensei."

"You can keep calling me that for starters," Patcher giggled. "Nobody called me sensei before. Maybe cuz I didn't know what it meant... now go get 'em big guy. And come on back if you need a refill."

Oni found that her buff was just what he needed. Following her hit and run tactics and with some precise swings of his newly studied sword, he was able to gradually slice Big Bolt into pieces. Patcher gave him a big happy hug and a kiss when he returned successful, and not just to heal up his injuries. After a couple more test runs, they were ready to hit the main game again, with Patcher rushing along after him and watching him pick off the entire team in a surprisingly stealthy kill streak during the second round. It made for an easy victory for their Blue Team.

"Now THAT'S some POG shit right there," Ghost praised, slapping his hand and squeezing it in a tight handshake. "How'd you pull that so quickly?"

"Patcher-sensei showed me how to play," Oni admitted, smirking behind his bandana. "She was so damn... ah, generous in helping me out."

"Woohoo! Go ninja, go ninja, go! ...what? Does nobody else remember that reference? Nevermind!” The blonde giggled, too busy beaming with pride as she caught up with the group. “We went to Training mode together between games. I taught him how to sneak up on people and fight with Big Bolt. AND I showed him how to use a buff."

"Really?!" Ghost raised her eyebrows at the last part. She slowly turned her head to look Oni-San dead in the eye. The dark-skinned ninja did his best not to flinch as he remembered what Patcher had said about her and Ghost Shot. "Well nice work, soldier. Keep it up." Patcher giggled and ran off to flag down Pocket Rocket, eager to talk up her new student's success before their victory pose. Oni went to take up his position when Ghost threw an arm over his shoulder, pulling him back into her grip. She squeezed his neck tightly under her arm and rested her hand casually on her handgun.

"I'm not as oblivious as she is, junior," Ghost told him quietly, meeting his eye once again. "I know what she's talking about. And you know what? I'm okay with it. It's practice. It's part of the game." She patted him on the shoulder as Oni smiled nervously. "But you weren't here when I shot Chainslash in the face for talking shit about her. So when we're off the servers, you treat her with respect and don't lay a hand on my girl that she doesn't ask for. You hear me?"

"H-hai..." he squeaked.

"I'm gonna assume that's a yes, compadre." Ghost clapped him on the back and went after the rest of the crew. Oni had no intention of mistreating the woman who had been so nice to him on his first day, but just to be safe he took his victory pose on the opposite side from Ghost. They had brought in inter-player poses in the new update; Ghost was crouched in a ready ninja pose, but Big Bolt was flexing with Anarchy flipped off the camera as she sat on his shoulder. At the far side, Ghost had an arm around Patcher's waist and kissed the giggling blonde on the cheek, the forums already blowing up about their canon relationship.

UniBear PartII: "wait, are those two gay?"

Healslutfan42069: "Super gay. Saw it coming since day 1."

UniBear PartII: “huh…”

Healslutfan42069: "But nice moves back there, newbie. Knew you could do it."

UniBear PartII: "thx. you're really good at this."

Healslutfan42069: "Come on, bitch. Say it..."

UniBear PartII: "...thank you, mommy."

Healslutfan42069: "Annnnd came. sso thank sfor that."

UniBear PartII: "...I’m grateful and all, but I feel so used."

Healslutfan42069: "that’s cool. night, slut."