~Cardiac~

Hey everyone, this is really hard for me to do and if you’re in the discord or you know how I am IRL, I refuse to ever take a break. Last year something similar happened to what happened this week. I’ve overworked myself because that's what's necessary in order to get the output needed for the channel. I’ve been putting in 75 hour weeks and its finally caught up to me again and had another cardiac episode mid recording. I've been feeling the same symptoms that led to it last year but ignored them because I'm tryna record, edit, and upload. This difference is that this time it hit way worse. I went to a few doctors this week for different things and my physical health is looking terrible which is such a shame since I'm so mentally sharp. The cardiologist was surprised I'd even made it this long and it was probably thanks to my mental willpower keeping me going. 

Unfortunately, I’ve received the most detrimental news I‘ve ever gotten which is that the electrical signal in my heart is disrupted which is why I’ve developed an arrhythmia from the long hours. My blood pressure is also through the roof which is fast tracking a stroke and I’m not even exaggerating when I say I can feel the veins on my head throbbing periodically throughout the day. I've got two new veins that pop out too which is what originally alarmed me. 

All of the muscles surrounding my head running from the base of my skull, jaw, and to the tops of my head are severely inflamed and sore, holding immense tension also giving me debilitating  tension migraines. “Honestly surprised you’re as calm as you are given all of the symptoms. This is some of the worst I’ve seen and you’re still so young”. I don’t think Doc understands that I gotta cook some banger videos but at the same time, I can’t cook if I’m dead which is annoying. 

I thought the migraines were ocular since my eyes have about hundred floaters in them and I’m now seeing flashes/ shadows and random shit but nah, that’s just my retina detaching (which is also isn’t supposed to happen this young for someone who has “good” eyes). I wear blue light glasses but “the constant eye strain all day every day on the screens up close” are nuking my eyes too which is also kind of annoying. 

Not really open about this either but my teeth have gotten really bad so I went to the dentist cause I've got a REALLY bad bruxism problem where I clench my jaw subconsciously to put the stress somewhere. I don’t even realize I'm doing it when I'm doing it but the pressure is splitting my teeth down the middle like an axe striking wood. The pressure from the clench is also destroying my enamel and weakening my teeth so now they’re starting to chip so easily. “Old people have lived for so long and the constant repetition of biting has worn their teeth down so the teeth are relatively flat. Your teeth look like that of a 60 year old in regards to wear and tear but on the bright side you don’t have cavities and they're perfect otherwise haha”. So I'm subconsciously dealing out the stress to other parts of the body and I've been noticing the repercussions. And WORSE of all my hairs thinning/falling out from the stress which I’m reallllllly not rockin’ with. Cardiac arrest? ehhh, Teeth chipping? ehhhh, but my hair??? HELL NAHHH. But if I'm being honest with myself it's been in a decline for a while since the last incident.

I’ve literally maxed out the amount of input and stress I could physically handle. I sat down four times this week to record and couldn’t even get past the intro discussion and I was so uninterested which isn’t like me at all. I wouldn’t even call this burnout because I’m so mentally sharp and want to do it but my body is on the brink of collapse and I can’t even look at a screen or else it’ll make me sick. I watched the sunset and stared at a blank wall for 3 nights this week and it was so nice; I have to desensitize myself from the absurd amount of input. My cars been broken down for a while now and I don't have the money to fix it or buy another one so I’ve been walking everywhere which has been so inefficient in my daily processes but I don't exactly have a choice right now. I’ve got a buddy who’s willing to help me get some spreadsheets going so I can organize some systems and find a way to offload the videos/ channel responsibilities like bigger channels do. I'm also gonna be working on finding a way to get some more money. That way I can dish out some videos and offload channel work and hopefully make enough to fix my car. 

I’m gonna put a pause on some things for right now but still upload some evergreen videos, that way the channel can continue while I take a little break. I ain’t ready to die and what an uncool way to die too. Sorry about the interruption in uploads and I hope you all understand. Taking a break is the last thing I want to do but everything/ everyone is telling me I have to. But yeah I won’t be gone for too long, I just need to offload this stress so I can bounce back and bring better videos too. This ESPECIALLY sucks because I’ve got three things on the backburner that I’ve been cookin’ in the background for a little while now and this shit is HEEEET. But I need to be able to come back to these and do them right too. 

I hate talking about this shit because who tf cares, yappin’ about health problems, yadda yadda yadda, join the club type shit. And I don’t want sympathy or nothin’ either, I'm chillin so it's no sweat, just wanted to explain what's goin’ on with this weird ass upload schedule and why things might be a little wonky for a bit. Physically at my breaking point and I hope ya’ll understand, sorry about this! Love ya’ll big time and I appreciate everyone sticking with me! 

SET YOUR HEART ABLAZE (but not literally in this case xD)

-Swanii 🦢