03/11/2017: It Runs in the Family Chapter 8
Added 2017-03-11 14:22:19 +0000 UTChttps://www.dropbox.com/s/lyk4zvz8aphdanb/It%20Runs%20in%20the%20Family%20chapter%208.pdf?dl=0
Sorry for running a little late, being at NEEHU is amazing but there's so little free time! I probably won't get much writing done during the convention, however I'm getting amazing inspiration to put into future stories so look forward to that. Enjoy the story everyone
Comments
I would like to respectfully disagree with you on this point. I like the different naming procedures the author chooses for two reasons. 1) This story actually seems to be 3rd person narrative. Otherwise, we wouldn't know Mrs. Silva's thoughts "a wicked idea coming to mind. She had been strangely worked up all morning, after all." Since it seems to be 3rd person, naming conventions can be exchanged to prevent a staleness in the writing. 2) If this were solely from the point of view of Connie, I rather like the idea that she is wrestling with how to address Mrs. Silva. Using just the first name is more informal but also more intimate. I believe that Connie sees Mrs. Silva as more unattainable. This is opposed to Jade, Tara, and Gloria. These three have, in some form or another, been grasped by Connie's character. She can control Gloria. She loves Tara. She not only lusted after, but has consummated a physical relationship with Jade. As this chapter ends however, she can't quite make that claim on Mrs. Silva. However, she has groped Michelle, and influenced her slightly. She sees the possibility of more. Thus, her mind goes 'round between her names as she rationalizes to what end the relationship can be brought. In the end, that's just my interpretation. The author gets the final say in the matter.
Fallen
2017-03-13 10:22:04 +0000 UTCI like where this is going!
Secret Admirer
2017-03-12 19:48:38 +0000 UTCThe chapter was great as a whole, but Imma give some constructive criticism here: There was a bit too much elegant variation for my taste. There's nothing wrong with some, of course. But in just one single sentence, you refer to Michelle as both "Michelle," "Mrs. Silva" and "the mature woman," and IMO that's overdoing it a bit. :) The two names are the most problematic, The story's written from Connie's point of view, after all, and either she considers herself on a first-name basis with Michelle Silva or she doesn't. So referring to her as both "Mrs. Silva" and "Michelle" in the narration implies that Connie constantly switches between being on a first-name basis and NOT being on a first-name basis with her, which probably isn't what you were going for. :) And just to be clear: I loved the chapter apart from that, just like I love all your other stuff. (You *are* the only hypno-writer I sponsor here, after all.) So don't get down or anything--this was my only (minor) complaint in a chapter that otherwise upheld your high quality standards. I hope I came off as polite, and if I didn't, that's not intentional--it's just proof that I'm not as good at writing as you are. :)
Rob McBobson
2017-03-11 15:07:03 +0000 UTC
