Backyard Dungeon 3 Chapter 2

As I stepped back into the trailer, I didn’t see either of my wives.

“Hello?” I walked through the living room and into the kitchen and saw through the back window that Ibseth and Amrila were enjoying the mild summer day on the back porch, so I went out through the backdoor to join them.

Amrila had changed into a pair of high waisted daisy dukes and a black, cropped sweatshirt that suggestively hung off one of her shoulders. The horned woman was wearing her oversized sunglasses again, and she lounged back in the cloth chair while talking quietly with Ibseth.

The Night Elf woman was still in her white sundress, and she was sitting on one of the camp chairs we were still using as patio furniture. Her small feet were bare, and she playfully caressed the lush grass with the sole of one foot.

The ladies were quite the lovely pair. Two opposite personalities just enjoying the warm sun.

“What are you girls up to?” I asked as I stepped down on the cement slab that served as a patio.

“Just enjoying the day,” the white-haired woman said in an ethereal tone.

“It’s beautiful out,” I agreed with a smile. “Do you ladies want to come with me? I’m thinking we should look at getting a new car. The truck is good and all, but I’d like to get something a little safer for Ibseth to finish learning to drive.”

“Oh!” Ibseth gasped as she sat up straighter in the camp chair. “A day out would be lovely.”

“Sure.” Amrila nodded. “Can we look for some of those saucy books you mentioned, too?”

“Yeah, why not?” I laughed. “We’ll make a day of it. I have to meet McElfresh tonight, but we can run around for a little while.”

The ladies and I went into the house, and while they put on their shoes, I looked up a local car dealer on my phone to see some reviews. There was a Jeep dealership between Westherst and Cleveland. I’d never had a Jeep before, but I’d always had a fantasy of dating the kind of girl who drove one, and on the website there were some pictures of the newer models that looked really nice.

Before we left, I went into the master bedroom and opened up the safe. I needed to meet up with McElfresh at his shop later in the day, so I figured I could sell off some more gold coins while I was there. Last time I went to see Owen, I had taken thirty pounds of twenty four karat gold and came back with over half a million dollars, but that meant I also took my Glock with me.

I figured I could take about twice as much, and maybe make a million for this deal.

By the time we got into the truck, I was already half sold on the idea of a new Jeep. It would be the first time I would be able to buy a brand new car, but if I got a newer model Jeep and still planned to buy the Miller’s place at some point, I would definitely need to sell some more gold when I saw Owen tonight.

I opened the passenger door for the ladies and then went around to the driver side, and once I was in the truck, I put my Glock in the glove compartment. I’d recently gotten my concealed carry license, which was a fairly quick process since I didn’t have a regular day job and was able to knock out the course and range hours in almost no time.

The drive itself was pleasant. The women and I listened to the radio, and Ibseth and Amrila sang their favorite old country songs when they came on. It was kinda funny hearing the Elf and Zencarri try to imitate Hank Williams’ twange, since both ladies spoke with the distinct accent of The Gloom, but it made them all the more endearing.

“What’s wrong with that tree?” the horned woman asked as she pointed out the window. “Is it dying?”

I glanced over and saw a walnut tree whose leaves had just started to yellow with the approach of fall.

“Oh, shit,” I snorted. “Nah, just means the season is going to start changing soon. It’s going to get cooler, and most of the trees will change color like that.”

“Season?” Ibseth repeated.

I had wondered before if there even were seasons in The Gloom. Underground. The temperature stayed pretty constant, so I didn’t think it got warmer or colder there. But they also grew crops, and my surface dweller mind could not wrap my head around the idea of farming without seasons.

Then again, I had a hole in my backyard that led to another world, so stranger things had happened.

“Up on the surface, the weather changes over the course of the year,” I explained to my Elven wife. “Right now, it’s summer, when it’s hot and sunny outside. Next comes fall, where it will be rainy, and cooler. The leaves changing color is a big part of that, too. You’ll love it. It’s really pretty. Maybe we can take our new car for a drive in a few weeks so you can see all the colors.”

“I would love that, husband.” Ibseth flashed me a lovely smile, and I had the thought that I wanted to see her smile for the rest of my life.

Damn. Everything was perfect.

We eventually arrived at the Jeep dealership in the suburbs just outside of Cleveland, and I wasn’t much of a believer in fate, but when we pulled into the dealership, I saw a brand new, burnt orange, four door Jeep Rubicon.

It was kinda like love at first sight.

I parked my old truck, got out, and went around to open the passenger door for the ladies, and both Ibseth and Amrila looked around at the rows and rows of shiny trucks and SUVs with wide eyes.

“There are so many,” the blue-skinned woman breathed.

“Yeah.” I nodded as I looked around, and I tried to get an idea for our different options but keeping that burnt orange baby in the back of my mind.

I started to walk around with the ladies as we casually looked at different vehicles. I’d admit I was slowly making my way to the Rubicon I had seen when we first pulled up, but I also didn’t want to tip my hand by going right for it. As we walked around, I also kept my eye on the office building doors, and I wondered how long it would take for a sales person to notice us.

I could just imagine them inside looking out at the two wild looking women and me, and they were probably trying to figure out if we had money or not.

We were about two rows away from the orange Jeep when someone finally came out. He was a middle aged guy with a bristly mustache, and he was wearing tan khaki pants that fell just below his paunch. The salesman was also wearing a striped red and blue polo he’d neatly tucked into his khakis, with a brown braided belt to pull the whole thing together.

“Hello!” the mustached man said with a jovial wave as he approached us, but his neat brown hair didn’t even move in the slight breeze as he jogged toward us.

“Hi,” I replied as I moved to help close the gap and held out my hand to shake. “How are you today?”

“Doing great, thank you,” the salesman said with a hint of surprise.

I found that when you extend pleasantries to people like car salesmen and other notoriously hated professions, it tended to catch them off guard.

But as the old saying goes, you catch more bees with honey.

“And how is everyone today?” the mustached man continued, and he was clearly going along with a script in his head.

“We’re doing well, Wayne,” I replied as I looked down at the man’s name tag. “I’m Eddie, and the ladies and I here were thinking about buying a new car.”

I had to hold in a snort of laughter as I watched Wayne’s face. I was stealing all his lines, and the mention of “the ladies” clearly threw him. He probably had all kinds of pre planned patter for a man and wife buying a vehicle, but now the mustached man wore a plastered smile and looked over at the woman as he tried to figure out what our deal was.

Meanwhile, Ibseth and Amrila were wandering around the row and looking at different SUV style Jeeps. They were the kind of SUVs that were clearly designed to be an alternative to a soccer mom’s minivan. They weren’t the kind of cars that thrilled me, but Ibseth had brought up wanting to have kids a few times, so I was considering them.

“Well, what were you looking for today?” Wayne asked as he turned back to me.

“I was thinking about getting something a little bigger and safer than my old Ford,” I replied thoughtfully. “But we also like to go out and off-road into the country, hiking and fishing and the like.”

There was some back and forth, and Wayne showed me around the lot while he gave his pitch. The mustached man tried to sell me on different safety features and upgrades that were available, but nothing really jumped out at me.

But finally, we can back around to the burnt orange Rubicon.

Wayne was still off balance as he tried to run down all the extra features, and the middle aged salesman was clearly not ready for me and my wives.

“I-If it’s not rude to ask,” Wayne said in a low tone to me as the ladies wandered around waiting for me to finish up. “What’s the deal with your lady friends? What I mean is-- well, you see young people in all kinds of get up these days. But I’ve never seen anyone with red or blue skin before.”

“Oh.” I smiled since I’d braced myself for a whole different line of questions. “They’re cosplayers.”

“Cosplayers?” the mustached man asked with a raised eyebrow. “Is that an internet thing?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “People dress up like their favorite characters from a cartoon or a movie. Some people take it really seriously.”

“I see.” Wayne nodded as he glanced over at the women with an appraising eye. “Good for you.”

The salesman gave me a covert little wink, as if he understood the unspoken arrangement between my wives and me, and I had to keep a straight face. Wayne seemed pretty proud of himself for being so open minded, so I let him have his fun, which served to my advantage.

“You know, I’m really loving this one,” I said as I turned back to the burnt orange Jeep. “I think I’ll take it.”

“Oh, perfect!” Wayne grinned, and he seemed surprised but obviously pleased.

Once we went into the office building to sign all the paperwork, I hemmed and hawed for a moment and was able to get the Rubicon for slightly below the sticker price.

Soon, everything was signed, and Wayne and I shook hands one more time while we set up a delivery for the next day.

Being able to put a fair amount of cash down upfront really greased the wheels and got things done.

I said goodbye to Wayne, and then the ladies and I got back into the truck to enjoy the rest of our day until I had to meet Owen.

After a little driving around, we found a nice stripmall and got out for some lunch and shopping. We grabbed some tacos from a food truck that was parked in front of a big women’s clothing store, and then we sat in the back of the truck as we munched on the delicious, messy street tacos while we talked and joked.

“We should probably get you both some jackes and warm clothes,” I commented as I looked at the window display next to us.

The clothing store already had some fall fashions on their mannequins, and you never know when fall would begin in Ohio. Some years it was shorts sleeves through all of September. But other years we might have snow by Halloween.

“I like the black one with all the metal,” Amrila said, and she pointed at a short motorcycle jacket in the window.

“The one with the little flowers on it is pretty,” Ibseth added as she pointed to a jean jacket with flowers embroidered on it.

So, once we were done with the tacos, I treated the ladies to some new clothes.

We also found a little bookstore in the plaza, which I didn’t even realize still existed. Amrila and Ibseth both picked out some romance novels to help in their learning to read, but while Ibseth’s book had a pale woman in a poofy dress fainting into the arms of a ridiculously muscled man, the book Amrila picked had a dark-haired woman on the cover who was being tied up with intricate knots.

Hmm… that was some food for later thought.

By the time we were done looking around at the little shops and boutiques, it was starting to get dark. Since we were already pretty close to Cleveland, it didn’t make sense to go all the way back to Westherst just to drive back this way. But at the same time, I wasn’t really enthusiastic about the idea of taking my wives around Owen McElfresh.

I liked the short Irishman, but he was definitely kinda shady. He was, after all, meeting with me to sell me fake paperwork and IDs for the ladies to make it look like they were US citizens.

“Hey,” I said to the ladies as we got back into the truck. “How would you both feel about catching a movie? It’s getting close to time for me to meet Owen, and it would give you both something fun to do while I take care of business.”

“Oh!” Ibseth gasped. “I think that one about the man and woman who hate each other then fall in love and get married might be out now.”

“Absolutely not.” Amrila shook her head fervently. “I think there is one about a monster coming out of the ocean, and a man with no hair has to save the world. We will watch that one.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. Neither of the women had been to see a movie in the theater, but they’d taken to American culture so quickly over the last few weeks that they were already familiar with the summer blockbusters coming out.

I didn’t know if this said more about my wives or the success of modern advertising.

“If you want to watch the bald man with the deep voice fight a monster, then that’s what we will watch,” the blue-skinned woman consented, but there was a slight pout in her voice.

I looked over at the Zencarri and raised my eyebrows, and I smiled in a way that silently said, “come on, be a pal.” The red-skinned woman rolled her eyes, but there was something in the set of her shoulders that told me she felt kinda bad for upsetting her friend.

“I think there is also a movie out where a man in skin tight clothes and a cape saves a woman from a man wearing a big rubber mask,” Amrila said in a placating tone. “That one will have romance for you, and fights and explosions for me.”

“Perfect!” Ibseth grinned as she straightened and clapped her hands.

“Alright,” I snorted. “I’ll drop you ladies off at the theater and get you tickets for the superhero movie, then pick you up afterwards.”

I looked up movie theaters and found one in a nice neighborhood. Then I reserved a couple of tickets for the next screening from my phone and started the drive into the city.

After I dropped the ladies off at the theater and gave Ibseth one of my cards so the woman could get movie snacks, I headed to Owen’s jewelry store.

Finding parking around St. Dunstan’s, the jewelry store McElfresh owned and worked out of, was a pain in the ass. It was early evening, and most places were filling up because of the bars and restaurants in the area.

I finally found a spot about two blocks away, and I grabbed my backpack, which was heavy as fuck with gold from The Gloom, and pulled my Glock from the glove box. I hadn’t gotten a concealed carry holster yet, so I just untucked my t-shirt and let it hang over my belt holster before I walked back toward St Dunstan’s.

When I came up to the brick storefront, I tried the door and found it was locked. There weren’t any lights on inside, so I pulled out my phone and was about to message Owen, when a loud tapping sound about made me jump out of my skin.

I looked up and saw a big, muscular guy in his twenties wearing all black from head to toe standing on the other side of the glass door. I also noted the compact Glock perched clearly on his hip.

“You Eddie?” the big man shouted through the closed door.

The guy in black had a thick, east coast accent, maybe from Boston, and as I looked at him, I noted his thick, dark hair and sort of round nose. The big man was clearly related to Owen.

“Yeah, I’m Eddie,” I replied and nodded.

“Whatcha got there?” the burly man asked as he nodded at my waist, but he started to reach for the turn key to unlock the door.

“It’s a Glock,” I replied as I lifted my shirt. “Can never be too careful.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” The guy in black nodded as he unlocked the door. “I got a 43. I keep asking Uncle Owen for something bigger. But he says when I’m at work, I should carry something not so big as to scare off the customers.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” I replied, and I stepped into the darked show floor when the burly man held the door open for me. “Owen is your Uncle?”

I was a little confused, since Owen looked like he was in his thirties and had a distinct Irish accent, but this guy looked like he was in his mid twenties and was definitely from America.

“You know how big Catholic families go.” The big man shrugged and smiled. “Sometimes you end up with an uncle just a few years older than you. I’m Ricky, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Ricky.” I shook the big guy’s hand.

“Uncle Owen is waiting in his office for you,” Ricky said in a friendly tone as he indicated the back “staff only” door at the back of the sales floor.

“Thanks.” I nodded, and then I started to walk to the back of the store.

I glanced over my shoulder once and saw Ricky sit down on a metal folding chair, next to the door, just out of sight of anyone walking down the street. Then the burly man pulled out his phone, and he went back to whatever he must have been looking at when I came to the door.

I wasn’t sure why, but Ricky’s presence felt weird to me. I knew Owen employed a security guard, it was a jewelry store in Cleveland after all. And the fact that Ricky was related to Owen shouldn’t have felt off either. It was McElfresh’s store, he could employ whoever he wanted.

There was still something about it that felt like a Quintin Taratino film, and I filed the thought away from future reference.

I went through the corridor beyond the staff door and found Owen’s office. The door was open, so I stepped in, but I still politely knocked on the door as I came through.

“Good evening.” I smiled as I lowered the heavy backpack off my shoulder.

“Oh, evening!” McElfresh said as he looked up from his computer screen and then stood to greet me. “Did you bring me something?”

Owen eyed the backpack and smiled, and I knew I was about to make him a happy man.

“I came across some more of those gold coins,” I replied as I shook the short Irishman’s hand, and then I set the backpack down on his desk.

“Fantastic,” McElfresh said, and he sat back down and gestured for me to take the seat on the other side of the desk. “And I have something for you.”

Then Owen handed me a manilla envelope, which I took and opened.

Inside, there were two birth certificates that were written in another language. Possibly Russian. There were also what looked like immigration paperwork, Ohio ID cards with both the ladies’ pictures on them, and a marriage certificate from West Virginia with Ibseth and my name on it. Ibseth’s ID read, “Ibseth Hill,” and I knew she would love that.

I had to admit, I did, too.

I felt bad I couldn’t have given Amrila my last name, but on paper I could only be married to one of them, and I had met Ibseth first. But as far as I could tell, all of the paperwork looked legit. There were embossed stamps, official looking seals and signatures on everything.

“This is great,” I said. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure,” Owen replied as he modestly spread his hands. “Now, let’s weigh these coins and see what we have. Oh, and I have a bit of an offer for you, too.”