Backyard Dungeon 3 Chapter 1

Everything was quiet in The Gloom.

My Pro X headphones allowed me to hear everything from the occasional clack of a pebble that had come dislodged from the rock ceiling to the snort and grunt of a cave troll, and I could feel my heart start to pound with anticipation. Amrila and I had tracked an ugly fucker for a couple of hours, and we were now posted up ourside of his loot filled cave.

The horned woman and I were well hidden behind a rock outcropping surrounded by low bushes and a few of the twisted trees that grew throughout the Yennih territory. I could see the mouth of the troll’s cave through the leaves and gnarled branches around us, and I estimated the entrance was about fifty yards away.

Amrila and I had gotten the tip on this cave troll from Scourge, one of the half demon woman’s contacts in the criminal underworld of this subterranean world. According to Scourge, this troll had been waylaying travelers, bandits, and small caravans and then dragging the spoils back to his cave. Killing the fugly beast would not only save lives, but there would also be a nice payoff at the end, too.

And I fucking loved loot.

I looked down about ten yards away to the spot where Amrila and I had partly buried and hidden a bear trap with some leaves and other debris, just to double check it wasn’t visible, but it was camouflaged pretty well.

“Do you think we should order dinner when we get home?” I asked the red-skinned woman in barely more than a whisper. “Give Ibseth a night off cooking?”

“Sounds good,” the Zencarri woman said with a shrug as she watched the road that led up to the cave on the right. “But not burgers. Maybe some of that sweet and spicy chicken? What’s it called?”

“General Tso’s?” I replied as I went back to watching the left side of the road.

“Yessss,” Amrila agreed in an enthusiastic whisper. “General Tso’s. I hope one day I too should be so great of a warrior that something delicious is named after me.”

“You’re getting there,” I snorted.

Despite the calm and light hearted conversation, I could feel my adrenaline rising like it alway did just before a fight. The troll had wandered off about half an hour ago after a large, rodent-like animal Amrila called a meelis, but the thing looked like a mix between a huge rabbit and a capybara to me, with dark, reddish fur. Nothing about the animal screamed edible to me, but the troll had seemed excited, and it had given the black-eyed woman and I a chance to set the beartrap.

Then the sound of heavy footsteps drew me from my thoughts, and I tenses and straightened in my crouched position. My heart rate picked up a little more, and I saw the huge troll coming up the left hand path. It wasn’t as big as the jeweled troll I’d fought when Amrila and I had first met, but he was still a formidable opponent.

The troll’s skin was a mottled gray and brown, and his lumpy body was muscular, with long arms that reached past his knees and a prominent brow bone. The beast’s lank gray hair hung in greasy tendrils around his small eyes, and his head seemed a little too small for his body.

“Ready, partner?” I hissed at the horned woman.

Amrila nodded silently with a broad, fierce grin that showed off her sharp canine teeth, and then she slipped out of the bushes we were hiding in with barely a rustle of leaves.

I raised up my Galil and used the outcropping to steady my aim, and I tried to keep my red dot in a discreet position where it wouldn’t draw attention. Then the troll came up the left side of the path that led to his cave, and Amrila circled around the right side and positioned herself so the bear trap was between her and the monster.

As the big, gray-brown fucker came into my view, I could see the meelis slung over his shoulder. The big rodent’s head was bashed in and bleeding down the chest of the troll, and a bloody wooden club dangled from the big dude’s other hand.

I definitely did not want to get close enough for the bastard to use that thing.

I watched as the Zencarri woman got into position, and I then took a deep breath as I waited for the right moment. I wanted to make sure the troll was caught in the bear trap, since he had a thick-ass hide, and it would take a few shots to bring him down.

As the cave troll stomped closer and closer, I could feel my pulse quicken in the side of my neck, and my breathing became shallow.

Then the troll started to turn to take his lunch into his cave, and he was about ten yards from my hiding place.

“Hey, big boy!”Amrila shouted as she jumped from her hiding place while brandishing her two swords.

The Zencarri woman made sure to stay on the opposite side of the hidden bear trap from the monster, which also meant she wouldn’t be in the way of my shot once the troll took the bait.

Sure enough, the big fucker locked his tiny, beelte-black eyes on the horned woman, dropped the meelis, and snarled.

“Pretty demon wanna play?” the troll rumbled and then started toward Amrila.

I felt a small shock at hearing the troll speak, since the only other troll I’d ever encountered had been a slobbering beast, but the red-skinned woman had warned me this troll would be smarter.

Relatively smarter, at least.

But I kept my Galil trained on the sweet spot, just above the bear trap, and I kept my cool as I watched the troll begin to run toward my Zencarri wife. When the brute was about twenty feet from Amrila, she swung her swords in menacing arcs, as if preparing to fight the big fucker.

Snap.

The bear trap clamped around the troll’s left leg, and he screamed in agony and rage. The red-skinned woman danced out of the way, and I placed the Galil’s red dot on the troll as he slammed his bloody club on the ground.

Each bit of the club caused the ground to quake.

I squeezed the trigger three times, and my Pro Xs came on to block the loud report of the rifle as three ragged, red holes appeared on the troll's side seemingly at the same time.

The fugly wretch dropped his club as he struggled between trying to free his ruined leg, covering the bleeding wounds in his side, or covering his ears from the deafening blast of my rifle.

The troll roared again as his confusion compounded his rage, but I didn’t let up. I fired again and again, and my headphones silenced the world around me for a brief moment with each squeeze of my trigger. The beast tried to turn his body and searched the line of trees and underbrush where I was hiding, but I paused and waited for the right moment as I trained my red dot on his head.

The moment his eye lined up with my shot, I rapidly fired three rounds to be sure I inflicted as much damage as possible in that vulnerable place. The troll’s head snapped back, and then the brute fell backward and hit the ground like a felled tree.

Then Amrila rushed forward, slit the monster’s throat with one of her swords, and jumped back in case there was a hint of life left in the troll. A moment of tense silence passed, but then the Zencarri woman looked to where I was hiding and gave me a thumbs up.

I couldn’t help but smile. My half-demon wife and I made a good team, and we were getting better everyday.

I flipped my rifle’s safety on before I slung it back over my shoulder, and then I stepped out of the bushes to join Amrila on the path outside of the cave.

“Good work, partner.” I grinned as I put my hand on her slim waist and kissed her deeply.

The red-skinned woman kissed me back and bit my bottom lip every so slightly so I could feel her canines, which gave me a little thrill in my core.

“Shall we ransack the cave now?” Amrila purred with a greedy little glint in her black eyes.

“After you,” I chuckled, and I followed the Zencarri woman into the cave mouth.

This cave smelled almost as bad as the jeweled troll’s home had, but it was slightly less disgusting.

There weren’t rotting, half eaten bodies, like the other troll had in his cave, but there were piles of rotting food, which gave the place an undeniable funk.

But around the walls of the cave there were also stacks of broken crates and haphazardly piled sacks and bags.

“Which ones do you want?” I asked the horned woman. “Crates or bags?”

“Ummmm…” Amrila murmured as she moved her head from side to side. “Crates.”

“Alright,” I sighed as I moved to start looking through the various sacks piled to one side.

The first few were just filled with clothes and personal belongings, but nothing of value. The next one I picked up jingled, though, and turned out to be filled with silver and copper coins, so I put that one to the side to take with us.

“Rotten fruit” Amrila said from behind me, followed by the thud of a crate as it was tossed to one side. “More rotten fruit. Ugh! Rotten meat-- Ohhh!”

I turned to see what the Zencarri woman had found and saw her pull a small, beautifully made glass bottle from some musty straw in one of the crates.

“What is that?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Perfume.” Amrila smirked. “Nice stuff, too. We should take some of these. And it looks like some wine bottles in the next crate. We might be able to sell them to Groc.”

“Perfect.” I grinned.

Then I found a small lock box of gold coins and some jewelry, and along with my stash at home, I knew I would be able to sell them for a good chunk to Owen McElfresh soon. I needed to go up to Cleveland to see him soon anyway, since he’d gotten ahold of some fake identities for Ibseth and Amrila for me.

The last two weeks since I’d fought and killed the shadow demon had gone by in a flash, and it felt like so much and yet nothing had happened since then. I’d started teaching Ibseth to drive, though, so she wouldn’t be stuck at home when Amrila and I were down here in The Gloom. My elven wife always seemed content and hardly ever complained, but that didn’t mean she was immune to boredom.

Once I got up to Cleveland to get the paperwork for the ladies, Ibseth would have a proper drivers license, or at least a proper looking drivers license, so I figured she should know how to drive.

I dug a little deeper into the pile of cloth bags and burlap sacks until I felt like I’d found everything of value. Then I emptied out a couple of cloth bags that just had clothes in them and shoved my gold and jewelry in them.

“What all did you find?” I asked Amrila, and I turned to help her with the crates.

“The wine and perfume,” the red-skinned woman replied as she looked over the crates she felt were worth setting aside. “I also found some scented oils and cakes of soap. The troll must have come across some soap makers traveling to the Yennih capital. Too bad he’d never used any of them.”

“Yeah,” I snorted. “It’s a pretty powerful smell in here. I got two big sacks of gold and whatnot. We can each put a sack in our backpacks, and I’ll help you with the crates. How far is that dead drop?”

“It’s about an hour’s walk to the south,” the horned woman said as she wrinkled her nose, and she was doubtless thinking about the amount of manual labor she was about to do. “Scourge wanted to use one far enough away that no one would stumble on it if they heard the troll was dead and came looking for spoils.”

“Alright,” I said in a bright tone. “We best get going then.”

Amrila took one of the bags of heavy gold and put it in her backpack, while I did the same and divided up the crates of luxury goods, but I made my pile heavier than my Zencarri wife’s pile, since I was almost twice her size.

The horned woman was more agile than strong, but I loved her just as she was.

Once we had our respective loads, the beautiful horned woman and I carried the crates out of the cave, but we looked around as we exited to make sure my rifle fire hadn’t drawn any unwanted attention. Thankfully, the coast was clear, so we headed out and off south, to the dead drop Scourge had set up.

Amrila and I had cut a deal with Scourge that he would sell any of the goods we found in the cave and take a small cut of the profits. I was still kinda fuzzy on the worth of gold in The Gloom, but Amrila seemed to have an encyclopedic knowledge of the value of anything and everything in the underground world, and I knew I could trust her to make sure Scourge didn’t cheat us.

My red-skinned wife also seemed to trust the strange, dark gray-skinned Zencarri man who set off my “gaydar.” I wasn’t the jealous type, but I did find myself wondering about how they knew each other every now and then. There wasn’t really any chemistry between my wife and the enigmatic Scourge, so I didn’t worry about it. Besides, Amrila made how she felt about me clear everyday, and insecurity didn’t really serve any purpose.

“How’s learning to read coming?” I asked as we walked with our arms full of loot.

“I already know how to read,” the horned woman shot back with a saucy smile. “Just not in the writing of the surface.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her just how many languages were actually spoken on the surface world and let her continue.

“You would think twenty six characters would be more manageable.” Amrila sighed. “But Ibseth and I are making progress. Ibseth more so than me.”

“What’s tripping you up?” I asked in a helpful tone. “Anything I can help with?”

“Learning to read was boring the first time I did it as a child,” the red-skinned woman snorted. “It has not grown any more interesting since.”

“Yeah,” I replied as I stepped over an exposed tree root. “But I bet when you were a child, you didn’t have access to bodice rippers.”

“To what?” Amrila laughed at the ludacris term. “Bodice rippers? Is that a threat or a promise?”

“It’s what my mom used to call steamy romance novels when I was a kid.” I chuckled. “Next to the grocery check out, they used to have whole racks of them, all with beautiful women in torn dresses standing next to beefy guys with no shirt on. It’s my understanding that some of them get pretty dirty.”

“How dirty?” the red-skinned woman asked with a sultry, sidelong look at me.

“How dirty do you want it?” I asked with a slight growl in my voice. “These are the days of the internet. If it helps you learn, I’ll find you the dirtiest smut that’s ever been written.”

“That does seem slightly less boring,” the Zencarri woman agreed with a mischievous grin. “Although, I’d rather just do the smut with you in our bed.”

“I’m down for that,” I chuckled.

Amrila and I found the short passageway of tunnels that led to the dead drop where we placed the perfumes, oils, and wines in a hidden chest for Scourge to pick up later, but I kept the gold for myself. Then we headed out to the main Yennih cavern, just north of the Great Forest. The sheer size of the subterranean world that existed beneath my backyard never ceased to amaze me, but as we carefully picked our way through the expanse of the massive, underground forest, we intentionally avoided any trails or well traveled paths.

In the Yennih lands, I was still a wanted man. Uresenger, the insane chief of the Yennih Night Elves, was still pissed I’d rescued his sister from some of his goons almost two months ago.

But Ibseth was happy now, and I was working on a plan to bring that rat bastard fuck Ursenger down once and for all.

Amrila and I made it safely back to the northern iron door and back to the safety of the surface tunnels, and just before the area where I had placed some floodlights on a motion sensor, Amrila paused and put on her large, rhinestone sunglasses to help her get through the bright lights.

Any creature from The Gloom couldn’t take bright lights, and that’s exactly why I’d put them up.

Amrila had started to get used to sunlight after weeks of exposure, but she still kept her fancy sunglasses on her at all times. As we came into range of the motion sensors, the lights came on with an audible clicking sound, and I even had trouble with the brightness of the light.

“Mother fucker!” the horned woman exclaimed, and she used my body to shield her face from the worst of the light.

“Just hold on to me and keep your eyes closed,” I said as I took the red-skinned woman’s hand to lead her through the patch of floodlight. “We’ll be past it in a minute.”

I was pleased with how well the light had been working. If anything did happen to find the well-hidden iron door to the surface, and then navigate to tunnels toward my backyard, these lights would be enough to slow them down. If not stop them entirely. The Gloom was mostly lit by patches of blue, glowing mushrooms, and even though there was fire in The Gloom, these lights were way fucking brighter than a campfire.

We got past the floodlights, and Amrila and I kept going up and toward home. Once we were almost to the metal hatch that led to my backyard, my phone found a signal again, and I got an alert. I recognized the sound of the security alert, and when I checked it as we walked through the last of the tunnels, I saw a video of me comically leading my Zencarri wife through the bright lights.

“Check it out,” I snorted as I held up my phone for Amrila to see a replay of the video.

“Ugh. I look so silly.” The red-skinned beauty rolled her eyes in mock annoyance, but I could see the smile that played at the corners of her pouty mouth.

I chuckled to myself and put away my phone. The horned woman and I had reached the ladder that led up and out, and we were almost home.

A few moments later, Amrila and I came up into the backyard. It was early afternoon at the tailend of summer in Ohio, which was magical in itself. The weather had just started to cool, but it wasn’t going to be cold for weeks yet. And soon the leaves would start to turn, and soon it would be turkey and deer season.

Ibseth came out of the backdoor to greet us, and she wore a big smile on her face at seeing her family return home. My elven wife had on a lacey, white sundress with a halter neckline tied around the back of her graceful throat. The blue skinned woman’s ample breasts could barely be contained by the little dress, and they bounced softly as she ran to throw her slender arms around my neck.

Then Ibseth pulled my face to hers as she kissed me hello.

“That didn’t take long,” she giggled as her violet eyes looked adoringly at me.

“It was just a cave troll.” I shrugged and then chuckled.

“You are both so brave, husband,” Ibseth breathed. “I would not want to face a troll of any kind. My governess used to tell me stories about how trolls were attracted to the scent of naughty children to get me to behave.”

“What could you possibly have done to be called naughty?” Amrila asked with a throaty laugh.

“I have been known to be mischievous.” Ibseth smiled teasingly and let go of me only to attack the strawberry blonde Zencarri woman with a hug.

Amrila smiled tolerantly and let the white-haired woman embrace her, but when Ibseth let go, Amrila reached into the bodice of her leather armor and pulled out a small glass bottle, which she presented to the Elf.

“You brought me a gift!” Ibseth gasped, and her eyes went wide as she took the delicate bottle from her friend and looked it over.

“Eh, it’s not much.” Amrila shrugged nonchalantly. “I just thought you might like it.”

My wife carefully worked out the little stopper of the bottle and pressed it against the inside of her wrist. Then the blue skinned woman brought her hand up to her face and smelled the scent.

“It’s lovely,” the Elven woman said in a pleased tone.

Ibseth held up her wrist for me to smell, and it was quite nice. The scent was light and warm, with just a hint of spice.

“I like it,” I mused before I glanced at Amrila. “Good eye. Or nose?”

“Thank you,” the violet-eyed woman said sweetly, and she took my hand and then Amrila’s hand. “Let’s go inside, and you both can tell me about your adventure.”

Ibseth had lunch ready for us, so we ate and regaled the Night Elf with the story of how we tracked and captured the cave troll. Afterwards, I decided to wash up, and I put the gold we’d brought home with the rest of my small treasure hoard in the safe in the master bedroom closet.

I used to call it my room, but that term was kinda reactive when you have two wives.

Sometimes, I slept with Ibseth in the master bedroom, but other nights I’d fall asleep with Amrila in her room. And yet other nights we’d all fall asleep in the master bedroom. Nothing sexy. Not yet at least. We’d just all be watching this fantasy show the ladies liked and fall asleep, but I did kinda hope I could get with both of them at once sometime soon.

I was only human.

I looked over the pile of gold and jewels I had in the safe, and it was quite a badass feeling. All that glittering metal meant security for me and my growing family. Ibseth had already brought up kids once or twice, and despite only being twenty-one, I knew I would be able to provide now.

That thought took me to the next item on my mental to-do list.

I got in the shower and went over what I wanted to say to David Miller, my next door neighbor. There was a rumor he was thinking about moving, but I wasn’t sure what his reason was and wondered if it might be because of the young polyamorous guy next door with his two “cosplayer” girlfriends.

As I soaped up in the warm jet of water, I tried to think of the best way to approach the subject, but by the time I was rinsed off, dried, and dressed in a nice t-shirt and blue jeans, I figured being straight forward was the best.

When I came out into the rest of the double-wide trailer, I found Ibseth finishing up the lunch dishes, and Amrila was sitting on the rust orange coach and checking her swords for nicks and scratches.

“You ladies get your shoes on,” I said as I sat to pull on my work boots. “I’m going to go talk to David, and hopefully we’ll have something to celebrate when I get back.”

“Good luck, my king,” Ibseth called from the kitchen.

“Give him hell, partner,” Amrila said from the couch.

As I went down the porch and walked along the sidewalk to the house on the left of mine, I went over my offer in my head. I had looked up prices for similar houses in the area, but my offer was a little lower than some of the places I’d seen online. My lawyer had already told me we could avoid all kinds of costs if we didn’t go through a realtor though, and I hoped avoiding the hassle and expense would be worth it for Miller.

As I came up the driveway, I looked at the Millers’ house. It was a nice, two story place that looked like it had been built sometime between the 1940s or 1950s. There were three kids bikes in the yard, which was well kept, and the unfortunate yellow color of the siding was something I could easily change.

There was a two car garage, and I guessed there were at least three bedrooms from the size of the place. If not, all houses in Ohio had a basement, and even if it wasn’t finished, my background in working construction meant I could easily put another bedroom down there.

I saw David’s sedan was parked in the driveway, so I knocked on the door and waited for a moment. Then the door opened to reveal Caleb, the Millers’ twelve year old son, who looked very bored and had a small game console in his hand.

“Hey, Mr. Hill,” the preteen said in a tone that was both polite and unimpressed somehow.

“Hey, Caleb,” I replied. “Is your dad home?”

“Dad!” Caleb shouted over his shoulder, and then he walked away without another word and left the front door hanging open.

I stood there awkwardly for a moment, with a full view of the living room. There were a few toys scattered around, but it was neat and orderly otherwise.

But it was the hardwood floor my eyes were drawn to. I was already thinking about how it would just take a little sanding and a new coat of stain and urethane to restore the wood’s luster.

“Caleb!” I heard David shout as he approached the door. “You’re letting all the cool air out! Oh, hey, Eddie.”

“Hey, David,” I replied with a smile as I held out my hand to shake. “I was wondering if you had a minute?”

“Sure.” David smiled back, but I could see the confusion on his face.

Miller and I had never talked much beyond “hi, how are you,” or waving briefly as he caught one another’s eye while out mowing the grass.

“Come on in,” the middle aged man said in a friendly tone. “You’ll have to excuse the mess.”

“Oh, I’m not bothered,” I assured as I followed Miller inside. “Just looks like you got kids to me.”

And that was true. The place was nice on the inside, and outside of a few toys and a little clutter here and there, it was pretty clean. Still, I tried not to look around too much, even though I was quietly taking stock of the place.

David sat down in a nice, fairly modern styled lay-z-boy chair and gestured for me to take a seat on a large, well-loved sectional.

“What can I help you with today?” David asked.

“I heard a rumor you were thinking about moving?” I got straight to the point. “And if that’s true, I’d like to make an offer on your house, if that’s not too presumptuous of me.”

“You’re very direct.” Miller raised his eyebrows, but his friendly chuckle assured me he wasn’t upset. “The missus and I had been talking about it. I guess nothing stays secret in this cul-de-sac for long.”

“No,” I sighed. “It does not.”

“Oh,” David said, and his face fell a little. “I don’t want you to think we might be leaving because-- well, because of your situation. I just got a promotion, and commuting an hour to Cleveland everyday sounds like the worst.”

“I didn’t assume anything,” I replied as I spread my hands in an amiable gesture. “And that makes sense. If you are serious, though, about moving that is, then I’d like to off you two hundred thousand. But I’m willing to cover any closing costs and pay for any inspections and repairs needed.”

David sat in stunned silence as he stared at me for a moment. I knew the first rule of negotiation was to let the other person make the first offer, but I wasn’t trying to scam Miller. I was offering a fair price based on the current market. Wringing every penny I could out my neighbor wasn’t the goal here. Rather, I wanted to offer a square deal and go from there.

But I did start a bit lower than I was willing to go.

“That’s also assuming this place has three bedrooms, two baths, and a partially finished basement,” I clarified.

“Uhh, yeah.” David cleared his throat as he adjusted his position in his dad chair. “It’s three bedrooms, two and a half baths, and there’s a shed in the back that I have set up nice. But the basement is unfinished.”

“A shed?” I asked. “How nice are we talking about here?”

“Allow me to show you,” David replied with a grin.

Within a few minutes, we were sitting in David’s “shed,” which was more an exterior man cave. There was electricity hooked up, a little AC unit in one of the tree windows, and enough room for a workbench, some well planned storage, a mini fridge, and two comfortable chairs.

David reached into the fridge and grabbed two beers, one of which he offered to me as I looked at what he had going on the workbench. It looked like David was just as nerdy as he lovely plump wife, who had once confessed her love of LARPing to me. There on David’s workspace was a small army of little figurines, a literal army of them, that Miller was painting.

There were tiny soldiers, tanks, even a few tiny cannons. They looked like American WWII troops, with a couple of British units mixed in.

“These are nice,” I complimented my neighbor. “This whole place is pretty nice.”

“Thanks.” David smiled modestly as he sipped his beer.

I looked around at the finished walls, painted a neutral white color, and the baseboard heaters. This felt like it made up for an unfinished basement.

“So,” I started as I turned back to my neighbor. “What do you think of my offer?”

“I mean,” David said with a thoughtful expression, “it’s not far off what Jessi and I thought about. And paying for closing costs and all that is pretty generous. I’ll have to talk it over with Jessi, though, I’m sure you understand.”

“Of course,” I said as I thought of my own two wives. “She’s got a say in this, too. And I know I kinda sprung it on you. I just wanted to get in there before it went on the market and you had a realtor to consider. Maybe save us both some money.”

“I’ll definitely think about it,” David said with total sincerity, but then he lowered his voice into a conspiratorial tone. “Between you and me, it would be nice to not live next to Brock.”

“Oh,” I snorted. “I can imagine.”

Miller and I finished our beers while joking and lightly bashing Brock Stanton, the type A asshole who lived on the other side David.

Once I was done with my beer, I excused myself since I had more to do that day, but I felt pretty good about how everything went, all in all.

But the afternoon was wearing on, and I had to see a man about a car.