Backyard Dungeon Chapter 5

I pulled out my phone, looked up Jay on my contacts, and hit the call button.

“What are you doing?” Ibseth giggled as she tilted her head.

“Oh,” I said, and I blinked when I realized how strange this must look to her. “I’m just calling--”

“What’s up, Eddie?” Jay’s voice suddenly echoed in my ear.

“Hi, Jay,” I said into the receiver.

“You are calling a hi-jay?” Ibseth replied, and she frowned in confusion on the couch next to me.

“No,” I said to the elven woman. “It’s my friend Jay.”

“Yeah, man,” Jay said, and now he was also sounding confused. “You called me.”

“Wait,” I said into the receiver. “Sorry, Jay, hold on a minute.”

“Dude,” Jay said with exasperation. “You called--”

I muted the phone for a moment and turned to Ibseth.

“This device also lets me talk to people who are far away,” I explained to the white-haired woman. “I'm going to talk to my friend to get his advice about selling the jewelry.”

“Oh,” Ibseth said, and her violet eyes widened with amazement. “And how is that not magic, speaking to those who are not present?”

I smiled at the elven woman and held up my finger to let her know I needed a moment.

“Hey, Jay,” I said when I’d unmuted the phone.

“Hi, Eddie,” Jay chuckled. “Who was that? Do you have a girl over there already?”

“Kinda,” I said as I glanced over at the elven woman sitting next to me. “Not exactly. Listen, I have a legal hypothetical to run by you.”

“Okay,” Jay said with a playful sigh. “Lay it on me. What did you do?”

“It’s not like that,” I snorted. “Say I found some gold on my grandpa’s old property. What would I do next?”

“Buy a nicer house,” my old friend said without missing a beat.

“No, really,” I said seriously. “What would I do? Could I sell it?”

“Dude,” Jay said, and he suddenly also sounded very serious. “Did you really find gold? How much?”

“Hypothetically,” I said as I stood and started to pace the living room, “a lot, and there might be more hidden on the property.”

I didn’t want to put an exact amount on it, since I still had thoughts about going back into The Gloom to see what else I could find.

“What are we talking about here?” Jay asked. “A coin collection? Raw nuggets? Bars?”

“Let’s say jewelry with gemstones,” I said into the receiver as I paced. “But really old looking ones, and they’re big.”

“Shit, man,” Jay muttered. “I don’t know. There wasn’t anything about that in the inheritance paperwork. I’m assuming you didn’t find any identifying papers or certificates of authenticity with them either.”

“Let’s assume I didn’t,” I said.

“First, avoid the impulse to take them to a pawn shop,” Jay said in his serious lawyer voice. “Those places are going to try to lowball you. Depending on their age and value, most places will probably want providence to prove when they’re from and that they’re not stolen.”

“Okay,” I said with a sigh. “What do I do then?”

“I’d suggest you talk to a CPA or something, man,” Jay replied. “If you can prove they were on your grandfather’s land, you’d be in the clear, but there could be inheritance taxes to consider. There’s also treasure hunting laws that differ from state to state. Someone like a CPA would be able to help you navigate all of that and pay as little as possible to the government. But we’re kinda out of my wheelhouse here, to be honest.”

“I get that,” I said. “So, how do I find a CPA, and how much will that set me back?”

“CPA’s aren’t cheap,” Jay conceded. “But a good one is worth their weight in gold, no pun intended.”

“Alright,” I chuckled. “Where do I start?”

“I’ve heard of this guy here in Cleveland who’s supposed to be really good,” Jay said slowly. “But there’s a thing.”

“A thing?” I repeated with a raised eyebrow. “What kind of thing?”

“He’s known for working for some shady characters,” my friend admitted. “But that means he won’t ask a lot of questions, and if he thinks there’s money to be made, he might give you a discount rate at first. Hypothetically.”

I chuckled. Jay and I had been having a lot of “hypothetical” conversations lately. He technically wasn’t allowed to give me legal advice unless I hired him as my lawyer, and his firm were real sticklers about the rates they charged. So, the words “hypothetically” and “theoretically” had come up a lot as he helped me through the inheritance process with my grandpa’s land, and I couldn’t be more grateful for my friend doing me a solid.

Jay looked up the number of a man named Travis Meyer, who was a CPA and lawyer in Cleveland. My lawyer friend also assured me that, despite some of the people he worked for, Meyer had a sterling reputation.

“Congratulations, though,” Jay said as we said our goodbyes. “On your theoretical windfall. You deserve a break like this. You are the hardest worker I know.”

“Thanks, Jay,” I replied with a huge grin on my face. “If this works out, we’ll have to go out to dinner or a night on the town, my treat.”

“Sounds good, man,” Jay said.

With that, I hung up and looked down at the number my best friend had given me. Jay and I had known each other our whole lives, and he’d always stuck by me. The only thing that ever separated us was the fact Jay’s parents were rich, and I’d grown up poor. Jay never seemed bothered by it, and he’d paid my way into any number of concerts and sprung for a couple of road trips and spring breaks during college. He never made a thing of it, but his parents had.

I had nothing but respect for Jay. Sure, he’d grown up rich, but he worked his ass off in school. By his junior year in high school, he was already taking college courses through the Post Secondary program. Then Jay finished his undergrad program, gone to law school, and passed the Bar at twenty-one, and he was now the youngest lawyer at his firm.

It would be nice to finally be in a place to be the one who pays him back for once.

“I have to make one more call,” I said to Ibseth, who’d taken the dishes into the kitchen to clean up.

“Important men have important business,” the elven woman said with a shrug and a warm smile. “Do not worry about me.”

I dialed the phone again and listened to the ringtone before a woman picked up the phone.

“You have reached the office of Travis Meyer, CPA,” the woman said with a light midwestern accent. “This is Alice. How may I help you?”

“Hi, Alice,” I said in my best phone voice. “My name is Eddie Hill, and I have some questions about inheritance right, I guess.”

“We should be able to help you with that,” Alice said kindly. “Can you explain your situation to me so I can pass it on to Mr. Meyer?”

“Well,” I started, “I just got some land from my grandpa, and I happened to find some very old, expensive looking jewelry while I was doing some yard work.”

I figured it was best to get as close to the truth as possible, without sounding like I was totally insane. Implying I’d found something while digging in the backyard was better than, “I found a hole that led to an underground world, fought some bat-people to save a priestess, and looted their bodies afterward.”

“The thing is,” I continued, “the gold and jewels weren’t mentioned in grandpa’s will, and I have reason to believe there might be more. I just want to be sure I do everything right before I try to sell any of it.”

“Oh,” Alice said in a surprised tone before she recovered her professionalism. “Uhh-- How old do you think the items you found might be?”

I pulled the ring out of my pocket and looked at it. I had no idea about jewelry, or different styles through history, but it looked like something you’d see in a fantasy movie.

“I have no idea,” I confessed into the phone. “But if I had to guess, maybe hundreds of years old.”

“Hold please,” Alice said after a long pause.

I waited for a few minutes and listened to the soft rock hold music while a knot formed in my stomach. I probably sounded like a complete crank to the woman.

“This is Travis Meyer,” a masculine voice suddenly said as the hold music cut out. “My receptionist has informed me you found some items of value on your grandfather’s land?”

I was surprised Meyer was actually speaking to me himself, but I quickly composed myself.

“It’s my land now,” I explained. “But yeah. I have a friend who’s a lawyer, and he said something about inheritance tax and treasure hunting laws and recommended I call you before I do anything with them.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad you did,” Meyer said in a cool, measured voice. “I’m intrigued by your case, and I was wondering if you would have time to meet with me today.”

“Today?” I asked.

I looked at the time, and it was already late afternoon.

“In my experience,” the CPA said, “it’s better to take care of these things quickly. A lot of people, when they experience a windfall, make rash decisions and want to spend their money before they think things through. Could you be here around six?”

“Not to put too fine a point on it,” I said, “but how much do you charge an hour? I know you’ll probably ask for a retainer, but here’s the thing. Outside of the gold I found, I don’t have much cash on hand right now. I tried to take one of the rings I found to a pawn shop. He offered me a hundred, but then I said no and the guy ended up offering me a thousand dollars. I feel like I might have something here, but if I can’t get my foot in the door with you, I don’t know quite how to sell any of it.”

There was silence for a few moments, and I could almost hear the man’s mental gears turning over the phone. I knew he was trying to figure out if I was going to be worth his time, but I didn’t have any other way to convince him that I’d be worth it until he saw some of my loot.

“In this first consultation I’ll be acting as a lawyer, and I’m interested enough to hear you out pro bono,” Meyer finally said. “So it will be free, and you can decide if you would like to hire me as your CPA and attorney once we’ve discussed your situation fully. Can I expect to see you?”

“Yeah,” I said as I tried to conceal my excitement. “I’ll be there.”

“Excellent,” Meyer said in the same understated tone. “I will see you then, Mr. Hill.”

Meyer ended the call, and I felt like I was on cloud nine. This was really happening. With a little help, I was going to be a rich man soon, and I had to convince myself once again that this wasn’t a dream I was about to wake up from.

“I’m going to have to leave again,” I said apologetically to Ibseth. “But you’ll be safe here until I get back. Just don’t answer the door if anyone knocks, but I don’t think anyone will.”

The beautiful blue-skinned woman turned from the sink, and her eyes were a little wide.

“If you must go, then I will wait here for you,” she said in a timid voice.

“Here,” I said and brought over my laptop. “I’ll show you how to use this to help pass the time.”

Then I showed Ibseth how to find some of the streaming services I had a subscription to so she could watch something while I was gone.

“There’s all kinda of stuff on here,” I explained as I scrolled through. “I place your finger on this square here, and then the little arrow on the screen moves to.”

I let Ibseth give it a try, and she smiled as the cursor began to move.

“Then,” I continued, “when you’ve got the arrow over one of these little pictures, tap your finger to pick it.”

I tapped my finger on one of the icons for a TV streaming service, the new window came up, and I started to scroll through the suggested shows and movies on the screen.

“What are these?” the elven woman asked as she pointed at the images advertising the options.

“Shows and movies,” I replied with a shrug. “Like plays, as you mentioned before. When you see something that looks interesting, you move the little arrow over it and tap your finger again.”

I selected a sitcom from when I was a kid and had been rewatching, then after it buffered for a moment, the theme song started to play.

“This is a wonder,” Ibseth breathed as she watched the cheesy credit intro. “Can they see us, too?”

“No,” I chuckled. “This was made a long time ago. We watch these shows for entertainment. Let me show you something else.”

I clicked out of the window but made sure to do it slowly so the blue-skinned elf bombshell could see how to do it, and then I brought up the browser and got on my Amazon account.

“With this, you can look at some clothes we can get you, once I sell some of the jewelry. That way you can pick out some stuff you like.”

Since Ibseth couldn’t read or write in English, I typed in a search for women’s clothes, and then showed her how to get back to the streaming services when she was done looking. Luckily, computers are mostly point and click, and she seemed to pick up on it quickly. Then I clicked back onto the browser and scrolled through the dresses, pants, and tops displayed on the screen.

“You can look around and get an idea of what you like,” I said as I handed the laptop to the elven woman.

Ibseth sat down on the couch with the laptop and started to happily scroll through the options of dresses, tops and shoes, and once I was sure she’d gotten the hang of it, I grabbed my keys and headed out to see a man about some money.

I got in the truck and followed the GPS on my phone up to Cleveland and to the offices of Travis Meyer, which of course was in a nice section of the city filled with tall office buildings. Once I’d found reasonably priced parking a couple blocks away, I walked back toward the large building of office spaces as I tried to calm my nerves.

The place was a huge, blue colored building downtown, covered by sparkling windows, and the lobby was a spanky beige and tan affair, with a seating area surrounded by tall, potted plants. I went over to the bank of elevators that looked modern and sleek, and I read the large board next to them that listed the names and suite numbers for the business housed in the building. Meyer’s office was on the fourth floor, suite 408, so I got in an elevator and pushed the button for the fourth floor.

The long hallways of the building were done up in the same beige and tan color scheme, with occasional art hung on the walls to break up the monotony. But it was like a labyrinth in there, and I passed the same painting of a bowl of fruit twice before I found the right office.

As I stepped through the door, I noticed Meyer’s office was very different from the bland decor of the rest of the office building. The walls were dove gray, and all of the furniture was either cream colored or bleached wood, in a minimalist Norwegian style. The only thing that didn’t seem to match the tidy office was the plump, midwestern woman behind the receptionist desk, who wore a cozy sweater and had her light brown hair up in a loose bun.

Under the sweater, the woman wore a simple, modest dress with tiny flowers printed on it, and she had a face like a bulldog. The motherly smile on her lips was welcoming enough as she regarded me over her small reading glasses, which hung from a thin gold chain that went around the back of her thick neck.

“May I help you?” the middle-aged woman asked, and I recognized her voice from the phone.

“You must be Alice,” I said with a winning smile I’d learned was effective with older women. “I’m Eddie Hill. Mr. Meyer asked me to come in today.”

“Of course, Mr. Hill,” Alice said in her homey midwestern accent. “Have a seat. I’ll let Mr. Meyer know you’re here.”

Then the folksy woman pressed an intercom button on her desk as I considered how odd it was to be addressed as “Mr. Hill.”

“Mr. Hill is here,” the receptionist said into a small speaker.

I sat down on one of the pristine couches in the seating area, but I only had to wait a few moments before a well groomed man of medium height came out of the door that led to his office.

Travis Meyer definitely believed in looking the part of a CPA/lawyer. The buttoned down man wore a well-tailored suit of gray only a shade darker than the walls, a pressed white collared shirt, and a mauve tie held in place with a silver tie pin. His short brown hair was neatly combed, and he wore round glasses with silver frames.

“Mr. Hill,” Meyer said by way of greeting, and he gestured for me to follow him into his office.

I stood to follow the well-dressed man and was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that I was in jeans and a t-shirt. Maybe I should have changed before I came, but I didn’t own a suit, so I really could have only put on a nicer pair of jeans and a buttoned shirt.

Maybe I’d expand my wardrobe once I figured out how to sell some of my loot.

The inside of Meyer’s office looked a lot like the reception area, with few personal items and the same minimalist aesthetic. His desk was free of clutter, and the only thing hanging on the wall were his certificates and one abstract painting that looked like it had been picked to match the decor, rather than from personal preference.

“So, you found some jewelry on your property?” Meyer asked as he sat behind his desk and waved his hand at the cream colored arm chairs in front of him.

“Yeah,” I said as I took a seat and fished the ring out of my pocket. “There was this, a couple of bracelets, and a big pendant.”

I handed the ring to the man in the suit, and he examined it carefully before he looked skeptically back up at me over his glasses.

“Where on the property did you find this?” Meyer asked.

“In the ground,” I said, and that was mostly true. “While doing some work in the backyard.”

“Did you document the find in any way?” the CPA asked as he opened a desk drawer and pulled out a jeweler’s loupe. “Take a video on your phone or post a picture to your social media accounts?”

“No,” I replied. “I didn’t really think to do any of that. I was too surprised.”

“It’d be best not to say anything on social media,” Meyer said as he put the loupe up to his eye and looked at the ring. “Too many people like to brag on social media, and you really don’t want to announce things like this to the world. But the problem is proving that this was found on your property, and not on public land. However, you’re in luck.”

“I am?” I asked and leaned forward hopefully.

“Ohio has a finder’s keepers law when it comes to treasure,” the CPA said, “so as long as no one else can prove this was found on private or government land, you’re in the clear.”

“Really?” I grinned and was no longer able to hide my excitement. “So, I can sell it?”

“If that’s what you want.” Meyer nodded. “But you’ll have to be careful how you do it. Your friend was right. Because you claim this was found on the land you inherited, the IRS might try to tax any proceeds you’d receive from a sale. But I can help you with that part.”

“Do you have any idea of what it would be worth?” I asked as I pointed to the man’s jeweler’s loupe.

I figured if he kept something like that in his desk, he must know something about jewelry.

“Not precisely,” Meyer said in a cautious tone as he set the ring down on his desk between us. “I suggest we get it appraised. But if I had to guess, you could easily get somewhere between six to eight thousand for this piece. I can say it looks to be a natural ruby of good size, and the gold seems like it’s good quality. Tell me, Mr. Hill, what are your financial goals?”

“That’s a good question,” I said as I leaned back and thought. “I’d like to fix up my place, put some back for a rainy day. Just normal stuff, I guess.”

“Then this is what I propose for you,” Meyer said as he turned to his computer and started to type. “If the other pieces you found are larger and of similar quality, we can set you up with an LLC in your name and use that for tax purposes. I can handle the sale of this item through some connection I have that will be willing to buy and sell in cryptocurrency, which will give us some wiggle room with the IRS.”

“What do I do when I want to spend some of that money?” I asked since I was a little confused.

I’d heard of cryptocurrency, of course, but I didn’t have any idea of how it worked.

“We can do that one of two ways,” Meyer said as he spread his hands. “I can either give you the information for the account, and you can sell the currency yourself when you need money, or you can call me, and I can handle that end of things.”

“For a fee of course,” I said with a smile.

“Of course,” the man in the suit said with a smile of his own. “But those services do come with benefits. If you want me to manage your account, I can help you invest and grow your money over time. I’m happy to handle this initial sale and get everything set up for my normal fee, or a twenty percent cut of the profits.”

“What is your normal fee?” I asked.

“For most legal type work; contracts, advisement and the like, it is five-hundred an hour. Since this would involve me performing arbitration between various parties, I would have to charge around seven hundred and hour.”

“Hmmm…” I chewed my lip as I did the math. Twenty percent of eight grand was sixteen-hundred bucks. It might actually be better for me to ask him to charge me an hourly rate, but having him take a more lucrative percentage might actually be worth it to me. It could ensure he was more concerned with my new enterprise. I didn’t quite know what the right decision was, but since I only had a few grand to my name, I figured it was probably best to just get the ball rolling as quickly and as easily as possible so I could start improving my lot in life. Once I had my bank account stuffed with cash, I could revisit our negotiations and probably get him to do a better rate.

I just needed some cash in my bank account.

“After that,” he continued, “I would help you find some dealers who could sell your other pieces, and we can discuss a retainer or a percentage fee. What interests me is the possibility you mentioned of there being more gold on your property. If you’re willing to work with me, I can make us both a lot of money. But, without being certain if there’s more, we’re both taking a risk here, and I have to account for that.”

I nodded as I considered his words.

Meyer’s straightforward manner gave me the feeling I could trust him. The well-dressed man didn’t give me the impression that he was trying to take me for a ride, and I could see why Jay had recommended him. I knew there was a lot more where this ring came from in The Gloom, and being able to sell it for a good price, without too many questions, and with a lawyer-CPA keeping things nice and tidy with the government, seemed like a good deal.

Not to mention, if I did let Meyer handle investments, that could be an insane amount of money. I could set myself up for life potentially. It was a risk, but it was one worth taking.

“Okay,” I said finally. “What happens next? Do we sign a contract or something?”

Meyer smiled and asked Alice to bring in some paperwork over the intercom.

To his credit, Travis Meyer patiently explained to me everything I was signing and waited as I read through the legalise language of the contracts. The man in the suit seemed to feel like this was as good an opportunity for him as it was for me, and he tried to make everything as transparent as he could.

Once everything was signed, Meyer handed the papers to Alice to transfer into the computer and file away.

“I do have one last thing,” the well-dressed man said as we finished up. “Once the profits start coming in, do not go on a spending spree. Start slow. If you start to show off your money, that could attract attention.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve heard the term ‘new money speaks loudly.’”

“Exactly,” he said as he smiled at me, “and then there’s the problem of relatives and old friends coming out of the woodwork for a handout. I cannot stress enough to keep this off social media. Don’t post pictures of a new car or vacations. Take your money and pay off any debts you might have, then live as simple of a life as you can to make the money last longer. If you keep finding these types of items, you can make bigger moves in the future, but I can’t tell you how bad social media has made this. I’ve seen so many clients of mine show off on the Facebook and end up pushing through all their inheritance. Such a shame.”

“I don’t really use any social media anyway.” I shrugged. “I’m on Facebook and Instagram so I can look at art, but I never saw the point of posting pictures of my food for old high school friends to comment on. I like my truck and don’t really see a reason to buy a new one. Oh, and I own the house and property. I want to fix up the place a bit, but I don’t think I really need much.”

“Perfect,” the CPA said with a nod of approval. “After this initial sale goes through, I’ll contact you with the information you’ll need to access the money, and we can discuss selling your other items. It should only be a few days at most.”

“Thank you so much,” I said as I stood and offered the man my hand.

Meyer shook my hand, and I left the office feeling lighter than I had since I started college. Student loans, finding a job I didn’t hate, all that fell to the wayside. The money I stood to make from the ring was just the tip of the iceberg. I’d barely known my grandpa, but him leaving his land to me was the best thing anyone could have done for me.

As I got into my truck, I had already begun to make plans for my next trip into The Gloom, and this time, I was going to bring a gun.