Patreon, R&P Q&A #232

any one knows here we can post the Question for this Q&A?

Ruben

45, married almost 15 years, 3 kids elem/middle school aged. Thought I was just dorky and/or absent-minded but it turns out its aspergers...Which is fine, I can mask it pretty well most of the time, but my daughter and (especially) my oldest son have it too and it's hard to watch how my wife reacts to their sperg-outs. I think she blames me for not telling her about this before we got married and obviously hates this (fairly significant) part of my personality, but honestly I just thought I was a bit quirky ( I knew I wasnt Rainman but we met in 2007 before the whole idea of the spectrum was popularized) I get hopeful when you mention that for many guys, one of their big goals is for the wife to stop yelling at the kids cause makes me think that maybe this is not entirely due to my (and the kids) sperging but just her general anxiety/unease/nature.   can you speak more about  wives yelling at the kids? when my daughter gets in a mood my wife has zero patience and I have to step in and take her to another room so she doesnt get yelled at. just feels like a lot of latent anger at me that I just don't "get it" which is totally deserved.. thanks

Roma

24 number 1 goal – health recovery: To achieve this I need to be ambitiously unambitious. It is an unusual goal as it is the opposite of “chase excellence.” But RP is tool box that is context dependent. I chased excellence for along time and had success. But I also burnt my body out doing it. All that excellence faded fast as I got sick. ‘Achieve excellence’ sometimes means to chill out and to not feel guilty about saying no. Your recent YouTube post---- who's values do you live by: yours or your wife's. This struck as being the core issue with what I am going through in my marriage right now. My wife is working herself to death to buy a bigger, better, more… cars, houses, vacations, dining experience (and maybe friends.) And I am working as little as possible. Spending close to nothing. And focused on spending time with my child (and her ) and taking it easy so my body can heal. . I am getting good at focusing on actions not words My wife is basically a teenager. -hides her drug use(pot) from me (I would get mad if she smoked around me.) Daily smokes pot and drinks often. I used to play the parent role and monitor her drinking, but I could not when I fell ill. Nor do I want to be her dad any longer. - prioritizes hanging out with her friends, dinners… over hanging out with the kid and me. I can not remember the last time she prioritized hanging out with me over doing something else. -prioritizes getting high (or drunk) with her friends. My actions are of a sick dependent trying to get better. I do the things I can do to keep things going. Work, parenting, and resting. The first actions I have taken since starting to heal were reconnecting with people. For example, making the movie allowed me to reconnect with old friends. This is resulting in my wife seeing incongruities in my behavior. On the one hand I am sick and fatigued. On the other I am making a movie when there is a backlog of stuff to be done from housework to work-work. I have the right not rationalize my decisions in life. Deer: when I was near death, my greatest desire for when I recovered was to laugh and be around people that want to laugh with me. The last thing I wanted was to work for fancier cars/house/vacations. Recent field note that describes values Wife scheduled a week vacation to a local island. I was given the: “I (wife) am doing this, if you want to join then that would be great.” (sounds eerily like rp because rp comes from women.) This was a significant amount of money she spent and I felt obligated. I told her I would come out there for 3 days. (this is a covert contract that creates passive aggressiveness) She went out and hurt her knee badly on the first day and has to come back tomorrow (on day 3.) She was able to get refunds but wanted to know if I was still going out to spend time with the kid on the island. I said, “No, I never wanted to go. I just want to chill at home.” Me: Vacations wear you down. They are not great for healing. Her: IG Photos, drugs, yachts… It is a good example of values. She wants islands (more, more more) and I want to relax and heal. I was bending to her values by going there at all. When the covert contract was extinguished (she was coming home,) my true values were exposed. I did not really want to go there at all.

Cousin Eddie

Yep I agree. Also a lot of girls like to talk about sex but need you as the guy to confidently lead the conversation there.

Ban Mido

I'm going to disagree with OpSec: Girls that will openly lead a conversation into anything sexual are open to get fucked. It is like the female way of saying "I want to do this dirty shit with you" without outright saying it. Encourage this talk, even if it isn't your kink. Their head is in a sexual place and with you. Time to start escalating and find out if they are a cocktease or not.