Pilot for Girls Night Out (only up on patreon for a limited time only)

Junie: 20-years-old, Black/Latinx, grew up lower middle class, culturally Midwestern and out of touch with their ethnic cultures, in the process of defining their gender identity, they use they/them pronouns but also identify with “girl” culture. Currently enrolled in Fine Arts University with Cola. Junie is squirrely, capricious, ADHD, anxious/neurotic, irresponsible, flirty but charmingly awkward. Junie easily makes friends, but is very opinionated. Junie immediately either likes a person, or dislikes them and usually their intuition is on point.

Cola: 22-years-old, White, comes from a rich family in the Northeast. Cola is trans and on HRT, one year into her transition, she’s moody and struggling with the transition. She’s resentful toward cis women who have all the things she’s working for. Cola is level headed, focused, strategic, a capable communicator, but also prone to intense emotional outbursts, ready to party at a moment’s notice, and is always rebellious.

Hector/limo driver: 50, open ethnicity, initially doesn’t speak, efficient and obedient, has many hobbies, surprisingly capable survivalist

Junie and Cola

Junie and Cola became friends in Video Art class, where Junie presented a video of their work which was met with dead silence. Later, Cola emerged from the shadows with her arms crossed and said under her breath, “You have excellent comedic timing.” Junie and Cola are both clumsy and unfortunate, they often find themselves in surreal situations.

Junie and Cola are getting ready in Cola’s bedroom. The room is colorful diva glam, cluttered with clothing and accessories strewn everywhere. On her wall is a poster of Rihanna. Cola is finishing her makeup at a vanity. The vanity mirror is foggy, so that her work has a muted glowy effect, but when she turns to the camera, we can see that she’s gone a bit heavy on the contour. Meanwhile, Junie is sitting on the floor flat ironing their hair. Junie looks down at a picture of a model with a shiny blonde bob, then looks at their reflection in a mirror hanging from the door and sees that instead of curving into a bob, their straightened hair instead extends out like a sad damaged triangle. Junie starts hyperventilating.

Junie

This isn’t working! I don’t know what I’m doing!

Cola

Junie, calm down. I told you, just wait until I’m finished. I’m almost done.

Cola applies Amy Winehouse wings to her eyes in a striking finish as if she’s unsheathing a sword, and puckers her lips, then turns to Junie who has taken a pair of scissors and cut themself jagged microbangs. Cola gasps and Junie smiles guiltily, trying to to cover the damage with their hands while they distract Cola with compliments.

Junie

Oh my god- You look B-E-A-utiful Ms. Coco Cola Lola! Work!!

Cola

Oh stahp it, dahlink, you flatter me.

Cola momentarily gets swept up in the flattery, but quickly snaps back into action, assessing Junie’s damage. Junie is wearing an outfit like one Dorothy from the Golden Girls might wear with broad shoulder pads, a drapey cardigan and dress combo that are the exact same colors as the poopy colored shag rug in Cola’s modest apartment, along with long square-toed flats. For a second, Junie’s body appears to have disappeared, but they merely blended into the rug for a moment.

Cola

Junie! Where’d you--

(Junie emerges from their camouflage, giving Cola quite the scare.)

Junie

Here.

Cola

Bench! I told you not to match my carpet. You scared the shizmat out of me!

Junie

Sorry.

Cola

Here. Put this on.

(Cola hands Junie shiny red clothes.)

You can’t just dress like normal tonight. This is girls night out: ass out (Cut of Junie squeezing into tiny red skirt and their butt bulging out after it squeezes through), tits out (Cut of Cola drawing in boob contour over her tube top), pepper spray out (Cut of both girls tucking pepper spray into their underwear).

Cola squints at Junie who looks unsure of the final look, holds up her fingers as if she’s setting up a frame, then in a powder cloud, applies a full face of makeup, then grabs a red paisley bandana from her coat rack and ties it on Junie’s head. Junie looks like a whole different Junie, sexier, but also a little lumpy.

Junie

Do you have eyelash glue?

Cola

You want lashes?

Junie

Kinda

Cola hands over the lash glue and Junie grabs a few of the leftover clumps of hair from their impromptu haircut. They dab the tips with the glue and blow on them to dry, then apply a few choice pieces to their chin and the corners of their mouth to create a Fu Manchu beard. They frown deeply, like a thoughtful man, then smile and hold out a thumbs up. Cola squints at the look, then nods in agreement and returns the thumbs up.

Cola

Is the limo here?

Junie

You bet it is. Hector been ready.

Cola

Oh my god, I’m so excited! Time to pop some bottles!

They each pop open a 12-hour energy shot and smash it into their mouths. Then open water bottles and smash them into their mouths, Junie throws up in their mouth a little, but with Cola’s encouragement they swallow it back down. Lastly, Junie and Cola pop open two Raging Benches beers and sip them daintily from inside two brown paper bags as they walk out to the awaiting limo, with Hector, the driver, standing beside the vehicle with a newspaper in hand, reading. Newspaper says, “President Baby’s First Constitutional Amendment Ratified,” and “Baby’s Recent Chirps Under Fire After Refusing To Apologize For Firing Entire Staff Of Diaper Council,” “Baby Powder Now Illegal In All 50 States, President Baby Calls Action ‘Very Unfair’.” Hector promptly folds newspaper into a perfect triangle and tips his hat at Junie, who tips their bandana at him.

Junie

Vamos amiga.

Hector hits a clicker and the car doors fly up, suicide door style, and inside there’s a disco ball spinning, pink and blue lights, and pop music playing. Junie and Cola hop inside, elated. The doors shut, and they drive into the sunset, but only for two blocks, and they suddenly arrive at their destination: The Mall. It’s a shiny average mall, maybe even shittier than average, but sparkling to their eyes. JcQuarter is in its own separate building, and the lot around it is empty. There are a few people smoking outside. They pull up to Carrot Cake Factory and Cola jumps toward Hector in the front.

Cola

(Urgently) This is it!! (then more calmly) You can just pull over right here. Aaaaaaaaand, perfect.

Junie and Cola finish their Raging Benches, Cola burps loudly and Junie burps quietly, covering their mouth. Cola grabs another Raging Bench and puts it in her brown bag, while Junie drinks half a bottle of Tropican’t and fills it with vodka.

Junie

(to Hector) You can just hang out right here. We shouldn’t be more than 5 hours.

Hector gives Junie the thumbs up and lowers his seat all the way back so he can read reclined, flicks back on disco ball, lights. Hits resume button on youtube playlist “favorite ASMR sounds”. Junie and Cola strut toward to the mall with drinks in hand. Cola is flipping through her phone, searching for something.

Junie

This is the first Thursday at 6 o’clock in September after Labor Day Weekend that we’ve been to this mall, isn’t it?

Cola nods and grunts without saying anything. Junie continues.

Junie

Is this the mall with the Cheesy-O’s

Cola

No, that’s in Hayworth.

Junie

Oh. Is this the one with the pigtail man?

Cola

His name’s Arthur and he’s not there on Thursdays. Remember?

Junie

Is this the mall with--

Cola starts playing grunge music very loudly from her phone. She tucks her phone into her back pocket, holds up devil horns, then starts headbanging. She chugs the rest of her beer and smashes it on the pavement, then miraculously pulls a new one from her bag. Junie flinches, visibly alarmed, recovers, then takes a large swig from her Tropican’t, trying to drown their embarrassment. The people outside are also alarmed and looking at them, but Cola doesn’t notice or care. She pushes through the door and enters the mall boldly while Junie tries to disappear as they follow behind her.

Inside, the mall is glistening, as if it’s the coolest place on earth. There’s a group of mall walkers in jogging suits fast walking by. A child in a stroller is crying while another child wears a leash. A group of highschool anime goths sit beside a water fountain, one of them wears ears and a tale, one is massaging the head of another in a Myth of Gizelda t-shirt, two others are practicing poi. An Uncle Andy’s employee is sitting, eating a pretzel in his work clothes. Junie digs into their pocket and produces an itinerary for the evening.

Junie

I had a few ideas, but we don’t have to stick to the list. I’m pretty flexible on this.

Cut to list which has a minute by minute rundown of the evening including restroom breaks and walk time between shops. A hand holding a red pen enters the shot and crosses out “Cheesy-O’s”. Junie frowns, clearly bothered by this. Junie looks up and Cola has disappeared. Junie finds her with the poi kids, recording them. Junie walks over to Cola and tries to get her attention, feabily, but Cola’s music is loud, and the poi kids are blasting nightcore. Junie clears their throat, then speaks, almost in a whisper.

Junie

Okay well, this is where we were going to start anyway.

Cola doesn’t notice. Junie pulls out two pennies.

Junie

Let’s make a wish for the night.

Cola still doesn’t notice. Junie walks into Cola’s shot and begins aggressively shaking their hips, interrupting the video. Cola snaps back into the moment and finally notices Junie.

Cola

Oh, what?

Junie holds out a hand with a penny to begin their ritual. Cola reluctantly takes her penny because she thinks it’s stupid and isn’t superstitious. They each cup their pennies and shake them in their hands, then blow into the other’s hands. They toss the pennies up and into the fountain, making their wishes, then run to watch their pennies sink.

VO Cola

I wish for the most epic girls night out ever.

VO Junie

I wish for the best girls night out ever.

Cola’s penny lands on heads, while Junie’s lands on tails. Cola does a happy dance, and Junie crosses their arms.

Junie

Whatever. We’re gonna be late.

Junie and Cola begin their walk, passing kiosks. An androgynous person with long straight hair is standing by a kiosk selling hair straightening irons. They gesture over toward the girls, beckoning them to stop by,

Kiosk Vendor

(In an operatic voice, sometimes rolling their r’s) Let me straighten your hair. It’s freeeee.

Cola

C’mon. You know you wanna.

Junie purses their brow and consults the itinerary, They circle “6:15 Build-No-Bear window shopping,” and “8:30 unplanned detour,” and make an arrow showing they’ve swapped time slots.

Junie

Okay, as long as it takes no more than 15 minutes.

They walk over to the Kiosk Vendor who sizes them up, pointing to one and then the other, trying to figure out who wants their hair straightened. They both smile at the vendor mischievously. Junie removes the bandana and their hair is the exact shape of the bandana. The vendor pats Junie’s hair and strokes their chin.

Montage of Junie and Cola smiling walking through the mall with straight hair, drinks in hand, bopping to music. They get super long bedazzled nails at a salon; workout at an exercise equipment store; shoot snapchats of them going up and down escalators, spinning on the rail of an up and down escalator; play in the kid’s playground with two children; Junie hits on a Great South American Biscuits employee; Cola shoplifts Frauda sunglasses and walks out wearing them with the tag still on; walk into Build-No-Bear where there are signs all over that say “Build no bear here, or else!”; walk into ant store and peek into terrariums, accidentally breaking one.

Junie and Cola are having an amazing time, laughing really loudly. The mall just keeps getting better and better. They finally enter the food court, where they’re met by beautifully dressed waiters holding out platters of samples straight out of a Gourmet magazine with golden picks through them.

Waiter

Madams

Junie and Cola

Why thank you, your grace!

There’s a whole line of waiters waiting for them, offering the most delicious treats. Junie and Cola eat with gusto.

Cola and Junie

The pleasure is all mine!

The shot changes to show a dirty regular food court with just one person holding a tray of samples, trying to avoid the girls, they chase after him as he tries to escape, saying “why thank you!” every time. We realize the person seeing this is a mall cop who frowns and squints at them as he eats a donut. He pulls out his walkie talkie.

Mall Cop

Dobson we’ve got a couple of sample snatchers giving Travis a hard time. I’m gonna need some backup.

Cut back to Junie and Cola in their glittering mall fantasy which is suddenly interrupted by angry hogs in cop hats and sunglasses charging toward them. They’re afraid they’re about to be caught in a stampede.

Cola

(Urgently) Stampede!

The girls take off running away from the hog stampede. The cops chase the girls. A group of people suddenly stop in front of them to take a “freeze frame challenge” selfie video, blocking the girls who have nowhere else to go. Junie and Cola run into the group and the group is knocked over like bowling pins.

Interior mall security office

Junie and Cola are sitting in front of a desk, on top of which is mostly Cola’s shoplifted items, but also a pair of shoplifted earring for Junie. Alongside the confiscated items are 6 beers and a tiny bag of weed. The mall cop that called for backup is sitting behind the desk looking at Junie and Cola’s IDs. The mall cop looks from one girl to the other, trying to match their ID’s with their faces, but both girls appear radically different from the photographs.

Mall Cop

(pointing to Cola) And you are (a loud dial tone sound bleeps Cola’s dead name)?

Cola

(to Junie) Oh, I’m sorry. Did he just say something to me, Junie?

Junie is crying into their hands, but looks up briefly, acknowledging Cola’s question, and moans feabilly.

Mall Cop

Now listen here, I’m not gonna tolerate any more nonsense from you two shoplifters. I need straight answers. Okay?

Cola

You’re only gonna get gay answers from me.

Junie snickers quietly, accidentally dripping snot all over their seat. They try covertly pat the snot into the seat cushion. The cop frowns at Cola, then turns his attention to Junie.

Mall Cop

What about you… Let’s see here… (he looks down at Junie’s ID) You’re--

Junie

(cutting him off) Yes, that’s me!

Mall Cop

(to Cola) I see it’s your birthday Tuesday, angry miscreant. Happy birthday.

Cola

Eat shit and die, loser. (spits on ground)

Mall Cop

Yes… Well. You know I’m going to have to involve the police in this. You two have broken quite a few laws this evening: underage drinking, public intoxication, drug possession, shoplifting, harassment, indecent exposure, grand theft auto, damaging property, running an underground gambling ring, and verbally assaulting an officer (eyeing Cola).

Cola

(under her breath) Fuckwad.

Mall Cop

It’s just not nice, okay? I have feelings too. And I feel like you both deserve punishment. (kicks his feet up onto his desk) Yep. Pret-ty soon you two will be locked up in the clinger, washing your socks in the toilet, sharing a single toothbrush with thirty other delinquents. (huskily chuckles to himself, continues rambling during Cola and Junie’s private discussion “yadda yadda, punks… blah blah blah squirmy little worms … doody doo lack of respect for the law… blip blop bloop I am doing you all a service” etc.)

Cola

(leaning over to Junie, whispers) Can you believe this guy? What a joke. (she wiggles strangely, and suddenly a fresh beer appears in her hand she takes a sip and smacks her lips)

Junie is terrified and incapable of words, but their eyes are so expressive Cola understands and carries the conversation as if Junie is speaking. Over Junie’s eyes read the subtitles of what they’re thinking. The shot is a tight zoom to Junie’s conversing eyes.

Junie’s Eyes

All cops are bastards. ACAB forever.

Cola

You can say that again.

Junie’s Eyes

All cops are bastards. ACAB forever.

Cola

One more time for the people in the back!

Junie’s Eyes

All cops are bastards. ACAB forever.

Cola

What are the odds we can hogtie this cop and escape out the back? (pulls out a rope from thin air)

Junie’s Eyes

Cola. We-- I-- No!

Cola

What? I thought you wanted to kill a cop?

Junie’s Eyes

Shut the frog up, bench! I’m not tryna die today. This is some white people bullshit. Do you not realize the gravity of the situation right now? We could end up registered sex offenders!

Cola

Uh! Correction: you could end up a registered sex offender. I’m not the one who decided to streak through New Navy!

Junie’s Eyes

Running around in your underwear still counts as indecent exposure in this state! You’re going down with me, even if I have to drag you.

The mall cop interrupts their discussion.

Mall Cop

What are you two hoodlums planning? (noticing Cola’s beer) And where did you get that beer?

Cola

(stands and breaks off the end of the bottle and holds up the pointy end, threateningly) Where did I get this--

Suddenly the room starts shaking and Cola is thrown off balance and back into her chair. The cop is disoriented and looks around wildly confused.

Mall Cop

Woah! What’s going on? Is this an earthqua-- (suddenly a hole opens up beneath him and he’s swallowed by the earth)

Junie and Cola scream. An emergency alarm blares overhead. Junie jumps away from the hole while Cola climbs onto her chair and stares down into the hole. Cola grabs her bag and goes back to the desk, in a single motion sweeps all their confiscated goods back into her bag. Junie has already run out the door.

Junie

(off screen VO)

Cola, c’mon!

Junie is carrying their heels as they run through the mall wreckage, Cola meanwhile is lagging behind a bit, taking time to steal more stuff as she goes. Around them, people are screaming, babies are crying, they’re dodging falling debris, there’s fire and electric sparks. Cola trips, and yells out to Junie with her arms outstretched.

Cola

Go on without me!

Junie continues running and doesn’t look back, but sheds a single tear, mid sprint in a slow motion shot. The tear glistens against their face, Junie dramatically wipes it and the tear glistens as it falls away. Junie does not stop running.

Meanwhile, a strong man walks over to Cola, and tucks her under his arm like a football, saving her. On his back are 3 babies, 2 elderly couples, a dog, and a mannequin he mistook for a person. Cola manages to swipe her bag, but none of her most recently thefted objects. She is angry to have been saved.

Junie is outside, they’ve found the limo and are climbing into the back seat. They look back woefully.

Junie

(whispering) Cola…

Junie turns back to the limo, suddenly they hear an explosion and look back at the mall. The strong man leaps out from the exploding mall, just in time, and on his back is a mountain of people, including Cola, who is wedged under his armpit, sulking. He extends out one arm to the ground, creating a ramp, that the people gradually roll down like logs. Cola wriggles free and sprints over to Junie. She tackles Junie into the limo, pissed.

Cola

You abandoned me!

Junie

You and I both know, I have no upper body strength and could never have saved you.

Cola

I would have died next to you.

Junie

I wouldn’t have wanted you to die next to me.

Junie and Cola look into each other’s eyes tearfully.

Cola

Fair.

The limo doors close and Hector starts driving them away from the mall. They turn a corner, and suddenly, the landscape that was once full of cheerful suburban homes and strip malls, is now a barren fiery wasteland. The girls stare in wide eyed disbelief.

Junie

I guess we’re not going back to your house for sheet masks and Super Bro Smashing.

They slump back into their seats and stare off vacantly.

Cola

Where should we go now?

Junie

Maybe let’s drive west for a while?

Cola

West it is. Hector take us 50 miles west.

Hector pulls a U-turn and they begin driving west. The earth crumbles away behind them. Cut to the fountain at the mall, now surrounded by a pile of rubble, where the two pennies lie, one heads up and the other tails up. During this shot, we hear Cola’s VO: I wish for the most epic girls night out ever! Circle focus transition in on the coin closing in to black.