My Three Bosses

Boss 1:

Me: (chatting with one of the bouncers)I’m so boring. I don’t party because my job is to party, and I don’t drink anymore.

Boss: (slides into the conversation) We can change that.

Me: I can’t. I’m taking medicine

Boss: Do you like wine?

Me: I like red wine

Boss: Room temperature or chilled?

Me: Room temperature, but I’m not too picky.

Boss: You know what I like to do is take a glass of red wine, and you know Maker’s Mark?

Me: Yeah

Boss: I take a shot of Maker’s Mark and mix it with the wine, so you get a nice woody taste

Me: Wow Clyde, you’re not fucking around.

Boss: Gotta be careful not to drink that one too fast, believe me. I make that mistake all the time. You wanna know another one?

Me: More than anything.

Boss: You know Long Island Iced Tea? Well it’s not the actual thing, but you take that mix, and you mix it half and half with some wine and you get a fruity punch kind of flavor. Nice and sweet.

—

Boss 2:

Boss: I just got done with a comedy show. Did you know I’m a comedian?

Me: No, I didn’t.

Boss: (going into his routine) People say I look like Robert Downey Jr.... if he had Down’s Syndrome! (He points around the room and bows) I could be Iron Man. All I need is a couple Viagra, a couple Cialis, and a little bit of (he presses down one nostril and pretends to snort coke).

I’m both terribly offended and embarrassed for him. Who is his target audience? Is this what Baby Boomers call humor?

Him: Let me put a baby in you! Kidding.

He scuttles off and I stay on the stage where he began his off-color rant. He returns a bit later. Initially I wasn’t sure, but now I’m certain he’s been drinking and doing blow. He’s red in the face, talking fast, and slurring his words. He leers toward me.

Him: Let me see what I have (he begins rummaging through his wallet. I think he’s going to pull out a $20 like the last time he handed me money for no reason.)

Him: Actually, let me stop myself. I can’t be buying dances from you. That would be inappropriate. (he returns his money to his wallet).

——

Boss 3:

Roided out body builder and former fighter. Got into the business because he was always working out at odd hours at his gym and at those same odd hours, a very hot woman was also there working out. He found out she was a stripper and was making good money. He realized it was a smart business venture. He speaks Russian, and a few other Eastern European languages. He hugs girls very tightly when he talks to them. It’s almost paternal, except that he makes sure their pelvises are touching.