Ventity vent
Added 2022-01-17 07:32:59 +0000 UTCI am trying...
Though I don't get why I can't just stay upbeat like I usually try to portray.
I've gotten so little work done for so long. I know you all said you don't mind, and I appreciate that, a lot... but that doesn't make me feel any less useless. The longer it takes me to do anything, the worse I feel about it, and the longer it takes me to do anything...
I STILL have one or two commissions from two years ago to do, yet; and that's not including the random ideas I wanted to draw for/with people... Or the constantly expanding list of just general drawing ideas I want to make...
Just don't know what to do.
Really feel like I should take a step back from art for a while; but I'm afraid if I do that, I may not come back... and I don't want that to happen.
Then there's the threat of being kicked out of the house if I don't have a full time job + car by the time of my birthday in a few months; which... I can't say I blame my parent for... realistically I should have had a car during or by the end of college, at least. That was...
... I don't even know when I graduated. 2017?
Honesty, I legitimately think it would be better if I'd just died. And no, I'm not contemplating that. I might be selfish, but I'm not "that" selfish. I just feel like most problems for the people around me wouldn't exist, if I didn't.
I have done nothing with my life. I'm 30 in April; and I barely ever have more than, if even, a thousand in my bank every month; not to mention the credit debt that I still can't get rid of since college.
All I ever wanted to do is art; I have no other interests, no other goals, and a combination of depression, laziness and anxiety preventing me from going out of my way to fight for a better job. There is little to nothing I have to offer society, aside from a dose of common sense, which has for some reason become rare since like... 2010... and... I suppose being an armchair psychologist for friends; because I don't want anyone to feel like I do.
That's it. All I am good for is emotional support, and sometimes giving good advice, because I look at things a lot more logically than most people (which is problematic for myself, as I just reinforce the idea that I cannot or will not amount to anything; since the likelihood of changing myself is... very low).
Don't even know why I'm typing all of this. It just came straight out of left field after I finished that pic with Cappuccino. :/
I'm just so... constantly disappointed in myself, because I can't set my bar any lower at this point.
Sorry for all this; I just... well, please try not to feel bad about it. For all I know, I have manic depression; which would explain my week-long bursts of extreme productivity... So I just need to wait until that happens again.
Antidepressants clearly have not helped me at all, and even if they did, my fucking psychiatrist has yet to send in the prescription for them, even though I said "I've been out for days", and they aren't meds you are supposed to just up and stop taking. So maybe that's why I typed all this out? I don't know.
Anyway. I'm sorry, again, for this; if you happened to read whole... whatever this is.
I'll very likely bounce back eventually... I just hope sooner than later; because not being able to make art at my normal speed is pissing me off...
Comments
I know... And yeah; have known about most of my issues for years, but have yet to figure out what "actually" helps them X/ And true. Although that heavily goes against my personality (I really prefer doing things alone, in general) ><;
ShadowPoni
2022-01-22 17:03:01 +0000 UTCMainly trying to exercise more, and eat less processed/sugary food, if I can. That should (eventually) help both my mood and my energy
ShadowPoni
2022-01-22 16:54:49 +0000 UTCDon't worry about it. Age doesn't matter, it's never too late to get support for your problems. You have 6 years on me, but thats fine. I've spent the last 8 trying to figure myself out, my problems out. Some people can do that in days. We all go at our own pace. We all need help sometimes. There is no shame in needing assistance. Nobody can do everything alone.
Blaze
2022-01-19 08:27:43 +0000 UTCSeeing you improve your art over the years has been really nice to see. What do you think your plan will be for yourself? Seeing you get back up would be good. I look forward to seeing that :) And that's true ^^
2022-01-18 14:43:16 +0000 UTC...Huh. I hadn't considered that. Yeah, that might be what set me over the edge, here ^^;; And thank you. The last few hours I'd been thinking about... past stuff; and I came to the conclusion that, even if I think my life is horrendously out of my control, my skills are still leagues better than what they were (still not where I'd like them, sure, but better). And that happened only due to the effort I put into it; therefore, going to start trying to put more effort into myself in general. That's much easier said than done... but I have yet to fully hot rock bottom, and I'd rather go back up before that happens. X/ And thank you, again. Even if you think your perspective is limited, it's still different from my own. It's never a bad thing to consider things from different angles, when you can ^^
ShadowPoni
2022-01-18 11:32:59 +0000 UTCYep... Realistically I should just try and get out more and exercise more often. It can't be good for my mental health that I just sit all day trying to draw... Well... should do that in addition to the meds, probably. ^^; And thank you. Aaalthough with my track record, I'll just feel bad taking up your time and end up with everything boiling over... like this. ><;
ShadowPoni
2022-01-18 11:21:23 +0000 UTCI think just how cute and nice the Cappuccino picture was.. and the story/context behind it… well, I think you need those cuddles yourself, so it prompted you to write your honest thoughts. I don’t think you’re a failure, even though things may not be where you want them to be. I am just a random person, but I dunno. I’ve seen your content since you started on DA, and you’re my favourite artist too. Might not mean much, but eh, it’s true. So from my (limited) perspective you’re not a waste… and I don’t see it as true that you’ve done nothing with your life. I do think it is spiralling though, everything you want to do is hanging over you, and preventing you from taking any action at all - kind of like a deer in the headlights. I’m not sure how you would tackle that.
2022-01-18 05:50:58 +0000 UTCgood to hear youre at least looking to get support for it. if it is indeed the main root of the problems you face, it can make a biiig difference to you. Ihope things workout alright for you - but im here if you wanna talk.
Blaze
2022-01-17 17:42:27 +0000 UTCI know I have ADD; but they misdiagnosed me with ADHD as a kid. Am trying meds now, but... again, not a great psychiatrist, apparently. Says he'll send in the prescription so I have it till I go back to see him... and that was three days ago :/
ShadowPoni
2022-01-17 08:37:39 +0000 UTCIt is possible that you may have ADHD if you're struggling with focusing on other things - i'm no professional but it mightbe worth at thevery least looking into it. it's possible to remedy the effects of ADHD with medication which can make it easier to do things that arent so interesting to you - which lets face it - is going to need to get done. as i said - not a professional, just something to look into. getting medicated is the best thing two of my friends ever did, and I'm on a waiting list for my own medication now.
Blaze
2022-01-17 08:28:00 +0000 UTC
