Dealing with a loss.

EDIT: Thank you all so much for the comforting words and love, you have no idea how much it helps. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, truly.

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This post is about pets and loss, so if that is something likely to upset you then please don’t read. Just know that my output has been slow recently because of this.

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I honestly don’t know what I want to write here so this might come out kind of rambly, forgive me as I’m not in the greatest of headspaces right now, I’m hoping writing this will help me process this.

A few hours ago I had to make the call to have my cat, my best friend of 16 years put to sleep due to serious intestinal complications caused by a mass (most likely cancer). She had been losing weight for a while and nothing seemed to be stopping it. A few days ago I had to take her to an emergency vet as she had taken a turn for the worse.
The vet did a blood test and quick scan and told me she was anaemic and lacking fluids (she drank a lot and peed a lot), I opted to have some fluids injected into her and take her home and have her regular vet do some more tests on her the next day.

They found what they suspected to be a mass in her abdomen but since her stomach was full of food it was hard to tell so we made another appointment for a scan in a few days. Unfortunately she took another turn and I had to take her in the next day instead of this friday (12th).

They were able to confirm something was causing the intestinal issues, most likely a tumour. Without a very risky, expensive operation they couldn’t be 100% certain but even if I could have afforded that op, I wouldn’t want to put her through that.

So I made the call to let her go, I made the appointment for later that evening and took her home to spend those last remaining hours with her. As of a few hours ago my baby girl is gone and I am completely heartbroken, I feel lost, I feel like part of me has been ripped away. I feel I am in limbo, like it is both real and not real. I keep thinking I can hear her purring next to me.
I love her so much, I’m going to miss her so much.

I’m going to miss looking over to see her staring at me as if to say “What about second breakfast?”.
I’m going to miss her stupid picky eating habits.
I’m going to miss her running over my head while I’m sleeping cause she wants food.
I’m going to miss her yelling at me.
I’m going to miss giving her cat bongos (she really enjoyed having her back dumbed with a couple of soft pool noodles).
I'm going to miss everything about her.

I feel guilty for having her put down even though it was for the best. I wish I could have told her what what happening, I wish she could have understood why. I wish she could have passed painlessly and peacefully in her sleep at home instead of a place she didn’t like. I’m still trying to process how fast she was gone. I have so much regret of all the things I couldn’t give her, I regret I didn’t catch her problems sooner, could I have saved her? I’m going to struggle with all this guilt and regret for the rest of my life.

I would have given the world for her.

I hope wherever she is that she knows I loved her so much and forgives me for not being a better owner.

Goodbye baby girl, I hope I’ll see you again someday. Until then there will be a you shaped hole in my heart.

I love you.