Gods and Waffles (TLDP Chap 36)

“Youkai God, I’ve been meaning to meet with you for a while.” Naruto paused as he stepped out of his bedroom, glancing over the random man standing in his kitchen.

“You want an autograph?” He sighed, walking toward the man as he grabbed a pen off the kitchen counter.

“W-What? D-Do you not know who I am?” The man asked incredulously, and Naruto glanced at him again as he took in his image.

The man was tall and muscular, with a broad frame. His skin was tan, looking almost dark, as his face was decently handsome with short dirty-blonde hair. He was wearing a Hawaiian T-shirt with an open front that showed his black undershirt underneath. He also had a circle of beads hanging around his neck, and there was a small dot in the middle of his forehead.

“...A god?” Naruto asked, making a pretty good assumption.

“Hah! I knew you knew about me, lil’ Youkai God!” The man laughed loudly, and Naruto winced from the sounds.

It’s way too early in the morning to be laughing like that!

“Yeah, yeah, where do you want me to sign?” Naruto interrupted his laugh bluntly, stepping forward as he grabbed the edge of the man's shirt and raised his pen to it, “Is here fine?”

“W-What? I don’t want an autograph!” The man stuttered out, looking incredulously at Naruto again, “You just said you knew who I was! Why would I want an autograph from you?!”

“Look, I’ll be honest, this isn’t the first time this has happened,” Naruto sighed, looking at the man blandly, “Let me guess - you’re some big powerful god who broke in here with no effort, and you want a fight?”

“Y-Yes, I am Indra - the King of the Hindu gods!” The man, now revealed to be Indra, said as a smirk appeared on his face, “If you knew I was here to fight, then you do know me! Of course, there’s no one who wouldn’t know my name!”

“Never heard of you,” Naruto shot him down instantly, causing the man to face-fault, “But people do this all the time. Every god thinks their all big and important, charges in here to have a fight, get’s their ass kicked, then wants an autograph. Can we just skip the first part? It’s too early to fight.”

“I-I’ve never felt so disrespected!” Indra huffed, looking offended but taking it better than many of the other gods Naruto had met - most of whom screamed and instantly started attacking him after they realized Naruto had no idea who they were - as he glared lightly at Naruto, “If you don’t want to fight, then I’ll make you!”

Indra raised his hand threateningly, smirking widely as he slapped Naruto’s hand away from his shirt, knocking his pen to the floor in the process, “You will fight me, Youkai God, or I’ll go into that room where your lovers are and make you watch as I kill-”

“...I want waffles.” Indra was promptly cut off - not by the quiet, barely audible voice behind him, but from the actions that the small and petite girl behind him took. Ophis raised her hand, and in the next instant, a crash rang throughout the kitchen as Indra was thrown out the nearby window.

“Why’d ya do that?” Naruto asked simply, raising an eyebrow at the Dragon God.

“He was in the way of the waffles,” Ophis answered as if it was obvious, the small woman being clothed in a cute pair of loose black pajamas with dragons all over them as she had just come from his bedroom. She stepped to the table Indra had been standing in front of, and a waffle magically floated from the nearby counter and onto a plate on the table.

He wasn’t even blocking the waffles! He was just blocking a plate!

It wasn’t even the only plate in the kitchen or anything, either, as there was a whole stack sitting on the counter that Ophis could’ve taken from.

“...He was also loud and annoying,” Ophis continued, revealing her true reason as she frowned lightly, “It’s too early to be making so much noise.”

That’s what I was thinking!

Naruto hadn’t realized it, but since Ophis had spent most of her infinitely long life in a black void of silence, she had largely learned speaking habits from him. As a result, a mini, cute dragon-god Naruto was in the making.

“That was a bit overkill,” Naruto deadpanned, “We’re on the top floor, y’know? Eh, he’s a god, he should be fine.”

“WHO THE HELL JUST DID THAT?!” Indra was indeed fine, as he came bursting through the window he had just been thrown through despite the fact that it was hundreds of feet in the air. 

His face was red with anger, and he started to shout threateningly before he made the mistake of bumping into Ophis’ tiny frame as he stomped angrily toward Naruto.

It’s really not his fault, but that’s the worst thing he could’ve done.

Ophis was very short and petite, and as a result, it wasn’t odd for someone as tall as Naruto to bump into her by mistake sometimes. Considering Indra was even taller, he probably hadn’t even noticed the woman was there as he bumped into her.

Normally, Ophis wouldn’t care about being nudged a bit. But this time, she had something very valuable in her hands. As Indra bumped her out of the way in his angry path to Naruto, the plate in her hands angled forward slightly.

Ophis watched in slow motion, her expression being filled with the very definition of despair as her waffles slid off the plate. The normally emotionless girl's eyes went wide, the whole world around her disappearing as they slowly fell to the ground. Time seemed to slow, and her heart nearly shattered as the pancakes flopped down on the floor.

“You think you’re slick, attacking me mid-sentence, Youkai God?! I’ll show you-”

Indra was promptly blasted out of the kitchen. Not thrown, not launched, but blasted. A pure, deadly burst of pitch-black energy slammed into his chest, flinging him into the wall as an Indra-shaped hole appeared.

Well, he might be dead now.

“You shouldn’t just kill someone because they bump into you,” Naruto sighed, looking down at Ophis as she stared down in despair.

“My… waffles…” Ophis trailed off, the normally emotionless girl looking shattered and broken as she stared at her ruined meal.

“I’ll make you some more,” Naruto sighed, stepping forward and quickly grabbing the dirty waffles off the ground as he moved to make more.

“Thank you…” Ophis nodded thankfully, her usual blank eyes taking on small stars as she looked gratefully at Naruto.

For being the ‘Infinite Dragon God,’ she’s damn cute!

“I knew you would be here, Ophis, but don’t interfere in our battle!” 

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Indra was still a god, and one of the strongest ones at that. He sat within the list of the ‘top ten strongest’ beings in the world, and even had a bid for being in the top five. Ophis was one of the few beings in the world stronger than him, but even she couldn’t delete him so casually.

He came launching through the Indra-shaped hole in the wall, an annoyed look on his face as he glared at Ophis, “Why are you trying to protect the Youkai God, Ophis?! Afraid I’ll kill your little toy?”

“There is no point in fighting,” Ophis replied blankly, “The winner is clear.”

“Hah, you hear that, Youkai God? Even the Ouroborus Dragon has no faith in you!” Indra smirked victoriously, but it only lasted a minute.

“Naruto would kick your ass,” Ophis said, her deadpan expression making it hurt even more as Indra stumbled.

Damn, she’s blunt!

Naruto shouldn’t have been surprised, because Ophis had picked up the ‘kick your ass’ phrase from him.

“And, he is not my toy,” Ophis continued, “He is my husband.”

“Y-Your husband?! The Infinite Dragon God has a lover?!” Indra stumbled back, his eyes wide with disbelief as he stared at Ophis, “I-I didn’t even know you had emotions!”

“I’m not your husband,” Naruto sighed, calling back dryly to Ophis, “You need to stop saying that.”

“If the big-chested fox can say that, then I can say it,” Ophis responded, a slightly smug tone in her voice as she spoke about Yasaka.

“H-Husband or not, that changes nothing!” Indra composed himself again, looking down his nose arrogantly at Naruto as the blonde-haired man stirred waffle batter, “We will still fight, Youkai God! I want to see if you’re as good as everyone says!”

“Sorry, busy that day,” Naruto said dismissively, and Indra’s smirk dropped a bit.

“That day? I’m challenging you right now!” He huffed, glaring lightly at him.

“Yup, and I’m busy making waffles right now,” Naruto hummed, “If you don’t wanna get thrown off the building again, let it go, man.”

“Damn it! Then I will wait!” Indra huffed, grabbing one of the chairs and sitting at the kitchen table with an annoyed look on his face.

“You ever heard of privacy?” Naruto asked blandly as he continued to stir the waffle batter, glancing back at Indra, “This is my house, y’know? You shouldn’t just break into people's houses and make yourself at home. That’s called being a squatter.”

“I’m not being a squatter! I’m just waiting for you to finish so we can fight!” Indra huffed, glaring at him lightly, “But, while you’re at it, I haven’t had breakfast yet. Make me some pancakes as well!”

“My pancakes,” Ophis shut down Indra instantly, her eyes wide as she stared at him creepily, “If you try to take my pancakes…” 

A dark aura surrounded her, and Indra had to raise his hands in a surrendering gesture hurriedly, “N-Never mind! I can just wait until lunch!”

“To be honest, I don’t want to fight you after I finish baking either,” Naruto sighed, trying to think of a way to make the man leave.

“You will fight me, Youkai God! I’m not leaving until you show me what you’re made of!” Indra countered, looking stern as he was determined not to back down.

Should I just tell Ophis to throw him out again?

Unfortunately, while that worked with most annoying gods who tried to challenge Naruto because of how famous he was, it wouldn’t work on Indra. He was one of the few beings powerful enough that he wasn’t afraid just at the sight of Ophis.

Wait! What about…

Naruto’s lips twitched up as he had an idea, and he felt almost evil as he glanced back at Indra.

“Here’s what I’ll do, Igloo,” Naruto grinned, turning around and looking at Indra.

“It’s Indra!” 

“I had a training partner,” Naruto continued, nodding sagely, “He’s just as strong as me, y’know? If you can defeat him, then I’ll fight you.”

“A training partner? One as powerful as you?” Indra’s eyes went wide. “I had no idea! Who is it? Is it Sirzechs Lucifer? Maybe the Dragon King Tiamat? Or perhaps you mean Ophis?”

“Nah, you’ll see,” Naruto hummed, walking over to the door that exited the kitchen and pushing it open, “Greg, you out here?”

“Of course, my best friend in this lifetime and any other one, Naruto-chan!” The bird-headed guard, whom Naruto had accidentally forced to live an entirely different life as his ‘best friend Greg,’ stepped into the kitchen. He was Naruto’s morning guard, who spent most of his time guarding the door to the kitchen - except, of course, when he was at the gym, as Naruto had also accidentally convinced the man that he went to the gym religiously every day a while back.

“This… is him?” Indra asked, looking disappointed as he looked at ‘Greg,’ “He… seems weak. Are you messing with me, Youkai God?!”

“No, no, not at all,” Naruto shook his head easily, “Greg, I want you to train with this guy. Igloo, if you can handle the training and still want to fight, then I’ll fight you.”

“It’s Indra!” Indra huffed again, but nodded begrudgingly, “I don’t see what kind of training this bird could possibly do to challenge me, but if it’ll convince you to fight me, then I will do it.”

“Good,” Naruto looked over at Indra again, his eyes turning slightly somber, “I’ll remember you… Greg, take him to the gym.”

“The gym?” Indra asked incredulously, but Greg’s bird-eyes went wide with excitement.

“Yes! Ever since my bestest friend in the entire universe, Naruto, became a god, he hasn’t been going to the gym with me!” Greg walked forward, grabbing Indra’s already muscular arm and starting to drag him out of the room, “You’ll be a good workout partner, Igloo! Though you’re quite scrawny…

“Who are you calling scrawny?! And it’s Indra!”

“...That will protect my waffles?” Ophis asked cutely, tilting her head curiously as the sound of Indra and Greg’s voices faded, “...I do not think the bird can train him.”

“You’ve never seen Greg’s training,” Naruto countered, a shudder going down his spine, “Even if he’s a god, he’ll be insane by the end of it. I went with him one time, and… it wasn’t good.”

Because of a misunderstanding with Naruto’s ‘very fair and reasonable’ game system, Greg believed that he and Naruto had gone to the gym together every day, at exactly 7:47 in the morning, since their childhood. He also believed that Naruto had become a god because he ‘trained harder’ than Greg at the gym, and as a result, Greg had become a workout fanatic.

“There’s a reason he’s stationed here for the entire day, but he’s gone for most of it,” Naruto said dryly, as Greg was supposed to be stationed outside the kitchen for the entirety of every day, but instead spent from sunrise to sundown at the gym. Naruto winced just thinking back on the one workout he had with Greg.

It had been, to put it kindly, hell - and that was being generous.

I don’t care if you’re a bird or a god - working out that much can’t be healthy!

The bird did a full-body workout every day, which consisted of hundreds of sets - yes, sets, not reps - for each muscle with barely any rest in between. He ended up taking nearly ten hours at the gym every day, forcing himself to work out without drinking water or eating food to ‘build discipline’ before he finished the day with a run around all of Kyoto, and then a ‘quick swim’ across the Pacific Ocean.

Those two distances don’t even make sense either! 

For supernatural beings like Naruto - and Greg, as while he was just kinda a Youkai with a birdhead, he was still technically a supernatural being - running around Kyoto was child's play. Compared to that, swimming across the entire Pacific Ocean was… also child’s play, but-

At least way more difficult than that!

On the one day he had trained with Greg, Naruto had finished the run in only 5 minutes, and that had been at a leisurely jog. By comparison, the swim had taken… also 5 minutes.

But it was only semi-leisurely!

Naruto blinked, pausing as he thought about his own thoughts. 

Am I… am I becoming unreasonable? Is this world rubbing off on me?

He contemplated his life for a moment as he stared into the waffle batter in the pan.

…

Nah, probably not.

Then, he shrugged and continued stirring it.

“He’ll be busy for at least the rest of the day,” Naruto hummed, using a spatula to flip the finished waffles onto a plate, “If he loses, then even longer.”

Greg also happened to be ultra-competitive, as he was ‘making up for not working as hard as Naruto all these years.’ He’d not only do hundreds of sets for each muscle, but the rep ranges would easily creep into the hundreds as he went ‘rep for rep’ with his training ‘partner’ - which was more like his training opponent - until one of them couldn’t continue.

Even if Igloo is a god, Greg won’t lose easily.

“Finished,” Naruto nodded, pushing the horrible thoughts of training with Greg out of his mind as he turned around. He started walking toward Ophis, the small girl's emotionless eyes lighting up as he carried the waffles to her.

“Thank you-”

Then, just as Naruto was stepping past the door to his bedroom, which was connected to the kitchen, the bedroom door swung open.

“Oh, waffles! Were you bringing us our post-sex breakfast, Naruto-chan?” Yasaka asked, being butt naked as she stepped forward. 

“Ah, actually these are for-”

Yasaka didn’t even hear him, still recovering from having her back blown out just earlier that morning, and instead leaned in, placing a kiss on Naruto’s cheek. She reached forward, taking the plate from his hands, and then turned around.

“Thanks, Naruto-chan!” She called as she headed back into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

“...my… waffles…” Ophis trailed off, her grateful expression disappearing as a fire burned in her eyes, “Big… big balloons… took… my waffles…”

“W-Wait, I can just make more!” Naruto tried as Ophis turned to the bedroom, the sound of metal scratching against metal ringing out as her head turned robotically.

“I… will… remove those balloons…” Ophis said, her tone low and dangerous.

On that day, a new chapter of Naruto’s manga was created. It would detail the events of the great Youkai God’s defeat of the Infinite Dragon God Ophis - an epic battle that destroyed half of Kyoto, and where the Youkai God came out on top. As a reward for his victory, he took Ophis as his lover.

In reality, half of Kyoto was destroyed as Naruto did his best to stop Ophis from destroying Yasaka’s ‘huge balloons’ to avenge her waffles.

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Naruto Uzumaki:

[Youkai God]

Lvl: 705

STR: 920

DEX: 900

CON: 650

INT: 320

WIS: 900

CHA: 999

LUK: 0 [x[Anicent Youkai King’s 999 multiplier!] 

Skills: [Chess Mastery]

Perks: [Martial Arts], [You’re a Wizard, Naruto], [Ladies Man], [God’s Luck]

Debuffs: [Confusion], [Bad Timing]

Naruto Uzumaki is a Hero from another world, who has been reborn with the power of the Gamer system! 

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