Nerding Day: The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man

The Kool-Aid Man sure is known for having his adventures, some more notable than others. He even has a full line of The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man comics that add to his lore. Before these comics, you might have gotten the idea that The Kool-Aid Man is somewhat reckless. I have a theory that these comics were published to persuade everyone that he doesn’t deserve his bad boy reputation. Too many parents saw Kool-Aid Man as a house-wrecking villain, rather than the beverage hero the Kool-Aid corporation had hoped for. This comic is essentially his post-scandal Dancing With the Stars PR appearance.

Sure, he’s still busting through the wall on almost every cover, even sometimes in the dark of space, which has some pretty horrifying implications I refuse to consider. Does Kool-Aid Man freeze? Sorry, nope, we’re not doing that.

Kool-Aid Man’s main enemies are The Thirsties. They seem to live in space and enjoy making people thirsty and ruining their fun. In the world of this comic, it’s impossible to have fun while you’re thirsty, so the two things sort of go hand-in-hand. They also have a leader named “Big Thirsty,” and they are locked in an eternal war with Kool-Aid Man. You, of course, know all this from the author's famous Pulitzer speech.

Kool-Aid Man also has some tools to help him fight The Thirsties, including a secret headquarters and a “Cool Copter.” Which is just a regular helicopter. They didn’t bother to paint it red or fill it with liquid or anything. The drink abomination beyond reason flies an ordinary goddamn helicopter.

The Thirsties vary quite a bit in how menacing they are. Sometimes they’re little scamps that go to a children’s tee-ball game and serve hot dogs too hot to make people thirsty. Sometimes they kidnap the owner of a drink stand, and sometimes they go back in time and attempt to disrupt the course of history by stealing all the tea at the Boston Tea Party.

This is a weird plot because The Thirsties should be huge fans of the Boston Tea Party. It was very specifically about not drinking tea. It’s the one drink-related historical event the makers of Kool-Aid could think of, but sadly, it doesn’t really fit with their motivation. I suppose they couldn’t have them participate in the Whisky Rebellion. And they were already there for Heaven's Gate. I guess there aren’t enough historical beverage moments to really support this storyline, but Kool-Aid wanted a time-traveling beverage hunk, so they did the best with the history they had.

Let’s talk a little more about the issue where Kool-Aid Man travels through time to stop The Thirsties, because obviously that’s my favorite. The thing you have to understand about the side characters in the Kool-Aid Man comic book universe is that there is a wacky professor, and all he does is put the children, and sometimes the time space continuum, in trouble. Unpopular opinion, but if Kool-Aid Man really wanted to protect the world, he would kill the professor. I’m sorry but in comic books all science is canonically evil.

Those poor kids were just trying to enjoy a 4th of July picnic when they ran into this maniac building a time machine in the middle of a public park. It’s even got a big label on it, so anyone who wants to can pop back to the Revolutionary War and kick George Washington in the nuts just for fun. In fact, that’s pretty much what happens.

The Thristies are stealing Kool-Aid from the Fourth of July picnic by carefully placing full pitchers of it into a wheelbarrow and running away instead of just dumping it out. This is a bad method of disposing of liquid, so they are very quickly caught by the picnic goers who summon Kool-Aid Man by chanting, “Hey Kool-Aid Man, Help”.

Kool-Aid man appears by smashing through the town sign because even though they’re outside and there was no need to crash through anything, his appearance requires a sacrifice. The children flee from the debris in delight. Luckily, no one’s skull was impacted by the Kool-Aid man debris, but while we're on the subject, there's no way -no way- he doesn't kill a dozen kids a week.

The Thirsties flee right into the time machine, which the professor watches, saying, “I hope I remembered to turn it off!” The man left the keys in the time machine with it running, in an area rife with not only rampaging beverage monsters, but also children. He’s just asking for a baby to get eaten by a pterodactyl, for dehydration demons to undo America.

Guess what? He did not, in fact, remember to turn off the time machine. Also, I guess it works by hurling people, and sometimes beverage monsters, through space without any kind of vehicle. It’s a machine that yeets you through time bareback. So, even though The Thirsties have traveled through time, they have no time machine at their destination and presumably no way back. Kool-Aid Man and the gang could let 1773 deal with those nerds themselves, but unfortunately, they’ve entered the time machine, which is not at all stable, and soon find themselves also sucked through time without warning. Again, you of course know all this from the assigned reading in every American high school.

Kool-Aid Man did not travel to the past in an attempt to heroically save America; he just tripped and accidentally crashed through the wall of time. Did you notice that Kool-Aid Man always carries a tiny pitcher of Kool-Aid with him? Is it, like, a medical device? An egg? The body of someone he knew who died very young? Anyway, he manages to stick the landing in 1773 with whatever it is intact, which is one of the most impressive superpowers he has.

When they land in ancient Philadelphia, they immediately run into Benjamin Franklin, who brushes them off because he’s hot and thirsty. Kool-Aid man says, “We’re too late! The Thirsties have already been here!” as if the Thristies are the only thing that causes thirst. Maybe Ben Franklin is just wearing hot 1700s-style clothes. He’s in a full jacket in the middle of summer. Do we always have to blame beverage monsters for our problems? Speaking of, Benjamin Franklin's mind was so blown by electricity that he's still carrying the kite around twenty years later. He would not shrug off something like Kool-Aid Man. His first words to Kool-Aid Man would be shitting his knickerbockers.

Meanwhile, The Thirsties have stolen a ship from the Philadelphia harbor and are planning to head to Boston and steal all of the tea. Kool-Aid Man and the kids know they have to get there first, so they steal a horse.

And here's a fun historical fact. If Kool-Aid Man and the children had been caught stealing this Pennsylvania horse, the state would have literally cut their ears off and made them stand by them for an hour.

Back to the story. No one knows who The Thirsties are, and they are rightfully freaked out to see a large pitcher of Kool-Aid and two children riding a horse through their town in the middle of the night. This was a time before marketing. They have no context for what a mascot is, and a single sip of Kool-Aid would probably kill them of corn syrup exposure. So this warning is a hard sell.

The children have good drink-acquiring instincts. “Let the lord of libations into the house, father, and let us drink from his skull!” they basically say. Anyway, this panel means nothing. The Kool-Aid Man was just waking up everyone between Philadelphia and Boston to see if the butterfly effect was real. He popped into 1773 to scream at 500 people to see what would happen. "You coward! You'll never kill me like you did my son, who I carry with me everywhere!" Kool-Aid shouted at God, the coward.

Eventually, our ragtag group of heroes makes it to Boston Harbor, where they ask a random guy in a cool hat if he has seen "three yellow guys causing trouble." The Thirsties are pretty hard to miss since they are aliens or toe fungus men or whatever, which would probably be pretty big news in 1773, so he's like, yeah, they're right over there on that boat, and then Kool-Aid Man sinks the boat. Probably on purpose, but how would we know.

As you can see, there are clearly labeled cartons of tea on the boat, which I'm guessing the Thrisities were about to dump into the ocean. I have to wonder if history cares who dumps the tea into the ocean? If the colonists say, "These asterisk-looking bastards came onto our ship and dumped all of the tea we were planning to dump," England is probably going to be just as unhappy about it. However, if Kool-Aid Man didn't try to stop them, we wouldn't get a pirate sword fight between him and Big Thirstie.

Weird that Big Thirstie has the line, "Going somewhere, Big Thirstie?!" but I don't think the good people at Marvel were too concerned with perfecting this comic book. Yes, Kool-Aid Man comics were published by Marvel, which is now owned by Disney, so Kool-Aid Man is a Disney Princess. Hey, how are they going to wrap up this comic and get home once The Kool-Aid Man defeats Big Thirstie in the sword fight?

So, that's the time Kool-Aid Man saved the Boston Tea Party without spilling a drop from the pitcher of tasty Kool-Aid that he… always carries with him to distract predators? I know you're probably asking yourself when does the Kool-Aid Man get his dick out? Surprise! He doesn't in this one. I guess they're trying something fresh and new in the Kool-Aid Man oeuvre. I have to say, I’m not a fan.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: M Jahi Chappell, who worships at the altar of Kool-Aid man because it makes transubstantiation way more efficient.

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