Learning Day: The Little Republican

Today we're reading a children's book, and it's called…

… The Little Republican. But wait, hold on! Maybe it's fine! Maybe it'll be okay! Maybe it's a normal book about indoctrinating children with Republican values like…

You know, I might not be old enough to remember when Republicans had coherent values, and this book came out in 2021. In 2021, Republicans were led by a racist sex criminal who had just sent a mob of shit vandals into the Capitol with the stated goal of murdering his vice president. I honestly think you could get arrested trying to explain Republicans to a child in 2021. But let's check the back of the book and see how its publisher, Christian Faith, handles it:

So it's about a boy getting picked on for his unpopular Republican beliefs. I wonder what those could be! Unfortunately, as you can see, they ran out of space before they could list these beliefs or explain why they were unpopular. Oh, why can't everyone look past all these politics and respect The Little Republican's unpopular political beliefs which are, again, unlisted?

I'm still acting cynical. Maybe the book is fine. Maybe it's time we give these poor Republicans another chance. Maybe this time they won't disappoint us, betray us, or completely lose their minds.

So when the author said the young boy was a Republican, they meant he fucking wore a Republican t-shirt and played with a stuffed Republican mascot. That's already insane. I think it's bipartisan to say that if you see a third grader dressed head-to-toe in Republican merch, it's definitely carrying measles and a gun. And I'm not sure why the illustrator gave him a fanciful prance and the only anime eyes in his community. No one can judge intent when art is this bad, but this looks like a therapist asked someone to draw their conversion therapy camp.

Bullies spot The Little Republican, or normal kids spot The Little Republican and become bullies in the light of his nerd glory. Then, if I'm understanding the symbolism correctly, they threaten to take away his political affiliation because his beliefs are wrong. I'd say it was a child's idea of how politics work, but no child would care this much about politics, or be this stupid. Stupid like this takes years of right wing media to calcify.

The Little Republican responds in a way only a madman would consider: he explains the tenets of democracy to the bullies stealing his toy (which the illustrator has forgotten about). And you know this was a rousing, coherent speech because he went over the tyranny of King George the Sixth, only three King Georges away from the one he probably meant. This sucks. It's sad idiocy from a broken imagination, but it could be worse. It's not like the kid brought up abortion.

He did that on the next page.

Nothing's impossible, but I don't think any situation ever would play out like this. I don't think grade school bullies would let their victim finish a full history of the founding of our Great Nation and then both sides of an abortion argument. This book was written and illustrated by two women, by the way. Together these exceptional ladies brainstormed a bunch of ridiculous abortion slogans for the baby murdering harlots on The Left and for one of them, they chose "EQUALITY." That's a weird thing to be against, right? I mean, I'm lucky enough to know evil is wrong, but it seems like even two Republicans should have caught that during the editorial process.

Forget about the abortions; shit is about to go off the rails.

The world around them vanishes and the bully and The Little Republican find themselves on a political debate stage. The other kids gather around them to watch these grand concepts compete in the marketplace of ideas. This is such late-stage Fox News brain poisoning. A functioning mind shouldn't be able to consider "what if everyone got magically transported behind debate podiums!?" It's useless for the story and reveals only a dark, unfixable perversion in the author. It's like saying "suddenly everyone's face becomes my mother's face, and yum yum, breast pudding for every Little Republican."

These women must spend so much time defending their terrible values against the voices in their head and last remaining Facebook friends. I'm going to skip to the About the Authors section and make sure they're not murderers before we read anymore.

Michelle calls herself "an unapologetic Republican," which is kind of strange. Why on Earth would that kind of person, the good kind of person, need to apologize, Michelle? Anyway, Michelle has one personality trait, and it's that she isn't ashamed or embarrassed to be a Republican, the embarrassing thing she isn't ashamed of. This is the only book she's published, and she looks like the bad girl of an HOA board.

Her co-author and maybe illustrator, Rebecca Hanna, has no online presence, possibly no cool jacket, and as far as I can tell, no warrants out for her arrest.

Like Michelle, Rebecca's only character trait is being concerned about what people will do when they find out about her traditional values and her traditional values. And, again, maybe these values they refuse to mention are fine! But it's not a great sign if your author bio sounds like an angry review of a Dave & Buster's that kicked you out for demanding to see the genitals of guests in the bathroom, and your co-author's bio sounds like the opening statement of a mosque arsonist defending themselves in court. Sorry, it takes a lot of words to translate Dog Whistle into English. Let's get back to the book.

The Democrat, represented in the traditional money-loving fatcat costume of his people, has fully accepted this new reality where bullies battle with political debates, not punches. His first point is that The Left wants to help the poor, which our Republican hero counters by explaining that helping poor people doesn't help them. It makes them want to stay in poverty for the lucrative food stamps. It's not a good argument, for a lot of frustrating reasons you don't need me to explain. The only important thing to know is anyone convinced by this argument is a fucking idiot, mostly on purpose. And then either Rebecca or Michelle, whichever one can't draw, illustrated this with a woman holding up a sign looking for work, undercutting the already terrible talking point for psychopath monsters. Oh! Do you think this could be one of those traditional values Rebecca and Michelle refuse to apologize for?

"Some stupid shit about cups," says The Little Republican, mangling and stretching a metaphor beyond coherence. I'm annoyed by every stupid, wrong detail of this book, but in fairness, it wasn't meant for me, an educated adult. So I showed this page to my 8-year-old daughter, a person with no strongly held previous opinions on welfare, to see what she thought. She, and this is true, thought it was sarcastic. She didn't get the joke (she knows her father has a lot of strange books she'll never understand), but she knew no serious person would argue "let the poor starve, it's good for them." You should have too, adult Republican authors, Rebecca Hanna and Michelle Andres. But back to the stupid, wrong details of this book. Let's zoom in on how the poor will eat after they're free from welfare:

The fuck is that green thing? You're eating an oven mitt, you idiot poors!

This is going to sound nuts, but that's it for the book's one and only debate. They discussed welfare, the Democrat was given two lines to make his case, and he lost. It is now settled science that watching children starve is the right thing to do. But in defeat, the Democrat brings up an important point: What about all your guys' obvious racism and proud ongoing hate campaigns against the LGBT community?

And with that, our hero cries.

Let's stop here for a second. If I had to explain Republicans to a child, I might describe them as bullies who hate the poor and the marginalized, but accuse everyone else of that so they can be victims. So it's frankly amazing this Republican children's book portrayed them as exactly that, and nothing else. Amazing.

The Little Republican's response to the accusation of bigotry is to say "you can still like the music but not sing the song." I wasn't familiar with this phrase, and neither was Google. If I'm being generous, I think it means the little boy enjoys same sex marriages, but isn't in one himself. I'm sure it's something worse, though. This sounds like something the Speaker of the House would say if a reporter asked him why President Trump destroyed El DeBarge's boat with a drone strike.

So far, our little hero has achieved two great things. He called for children to end all food stamp subsidies, and responded to an accusation of racism by crying and saying, "Okay, you got me, but here's a cuter way of putting it." The only thing left to do is take the moral high ground. What!? I mean, come the fuck on, book. Wait, wait. Shit. This is too perfect. Is this satire? Did I get Poe's lawed into making fun of a hoax?

. . .

Okay, I've been researching this publisher and these authors for hours and I'm still not sure. Let's continue like it's real with the caveat that if it ends up being fake I knew it all along, ha ha.

During the Christian grace section of the welfare debate (where Christ took the side of watching the poor die), The Little Republican pities the Democrat for his hypocrisy. There's a lot of projection going on, both by the authors and the characters they're writing, and there's a non-zero chance this book is a prank, so it's hard to find anything real to be upset about or argue against. Anyone who thinks like this is an asshole, but give them a break, they're also having a stroke.

If you were wondering how long it took before the Democrats finally gave Nazi salutes, it was 21 pages. It's called restraint. Look it up, liberals.

"Republicans stand up for the homeless and poor! That's why all the minorities have joined our side," gloats the boy. Was he not there for the first 21 pages of this book? Could any claim, before or after, be so magnificently dubious? If Shaquille O'Neil burst out of my chest and said, "I don't think celebrities should make commercials, I'm 16 inches tall like your penis, try the new Lasagna Skittle Bugles they're a hole-in-one," it would be less of a slap to reality's face. Absolutely fuck the decades-long propaganda war that destroyed the critical thinking of these two (unapologetic) Republican "authors."

"Jesus, man, take it easy," says tiny Shaq to me, dripping in gore for the new Lasagna Skittle Bugles.

After making sadistic, broken, deranged, and laughable arguments against a straw man too silly to exist, our little champion declares victory for the fifth and final time. None of the other characters are there anymore, implying this was all a hallucination while he choked on a banana in front of his grandma's television. "Maybe this isn't a popular opinion, but anyone choking on a banana right now deserves to die," says Greg Gutfeld on his hit Fox primetime comedy show, Gutfeld!.

"Balloon boys are taking our jobs, and I refuse to apologize for it," says The Little Republican's grandmother, licking her lips and looking right in his eyes as his face turns blue.

"Hkk–" agrees the Little Republican.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Thomas Cavazos, author of the related series, "The Little Republican Gets Suspended For Sex Crimes" Vol I - IV

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