Fucking Day: Intimate Secrets of Sex and Spirit

The year was 1995 and we thought we knew how to fuck.

We were wrong. Lubricate your yoni and look through the keyhole of Paul "Ramana Das" Silbey, D.D. and his second wife, Marilena.

Released alongside their album, ECSTATICA 1, a Hypno-Trance Love Dance Soundtrack for Lovers, Intimate Secrets of Sex & Spirit American Tantra How to Worship Each Other in Bed! is two middle-aged hippies who have embraced each other's freak far past the bounds of anything recognizable as sex. It is beautiful and disgusting and not something you're going to be able to explain, so you might want to make sure you're alone before scrolling down. Not to masturbate, that would be ridiculous. In fact, you may never masturbate again. But we are about to watch two "youthful, dynamic, happily married spiritual ministers in their 50's!" try their best to fuck.

The video opens on erotic art, and I can tell it's erotic art and not pornography because it immediately cuts to a closeup of the dick and stays there. It really sets the tone for the entire video in that it has inauthentic Native American vibes, a flopping dong, and the sensibilities of an idiot child. Paul and Marilena talk about undulating spirit and life force energy over gentle footage of flower hymens and pottery boners. They whisper of the alluring energy binding all horny things together. It's mystical and urgent, like Qui-Gon Jinn trying to talk Jar Jar into eating his ass.

So this kind of New Age mysticism isn't welcome in everyone's vagina, but I think we can all agree these production values are 10/10. It was filmed on the floor of their basement, lit by lamp, and color-corrected to a perfect gray orange. Paul himself did the editing and post production, so when a shot heart-wipes to a still shot of hands, and then heart-wipes again back to the first shot, that's not someone making fun of him. He wanted it to look like that. In a way, it's a good sign. Like you can tell whoever made this only knows how to fuck.

Paul's voiceover shouts, "We are living in a time of rapid transformation! An opportune moment to make empowered conscious choices!" while his wife blows on his wrists and dangles her hair across his flaccid penis. And if you make love like this, fine, but I don't know why you'd need a teacher. It is meaningless spiritual catchphrases and unmotivated groping. If you handed a hundred virgins a drum and asked, "How do you think druid grandparents would use this for sex?" all 100 of them would make this exact video, only sarcastic.

The opening montage, which I'm not going to show you, starts to get wild, with tight shots of full penetration and a jump scare of Paul's cunnilingus. If I had to describe it, and I guess that's the position I've put myself in, I'd say he's got the moves of a fungal spore trying to inflate an air mattress with its flagellum. From the clips being shown, it is astounding how bad they each are at sex. And this is them trying their best! This is home video shooting day! These are the highlights from home video shooting day. At the risk of complimenting Corey Feldman's music, I've never seen anyone be so bad at the thing they've built their life around.

The clip show of disastrous lovemaking ends by, of course, heart-wiping away from Marilena's vulva.

The camera man has the same confident touch as Paul trying out new taint attacks with his mouth, so they manage to miss centering the couple by far more than should be possible. From somewhere way too left, Marilena says, "Welcome to our home temple!" and then freezes. Maybe she's nervous, or maybe she knows she should have introduced herself before we saw her husband carving his way into her holes by tongue and fingernail. Computer, enhance:

From the shag carpet of this stunning composition, Marilena explains, "We want to share the good news with you. That sex is… wonderful." She thinks for a moment. "And pleasurable," she adds. It's a rough start, but she's trying to juggle public speaking, sex, and druid magic all at the same time and those are different skillsets. Most importantly, you can see Paul thinks she's nailing it. He is watching her flail like it's the greatest speech he's ever heard. This is a once in a lifetime couple. Whatever you and I see, the two of them are both certain the other is an actual sex wizard.

They explain how sex energy and creative life force energy are the same and how you can combine them to expand your envelope of pleasure, which is already exhausting nonsense, but they also keep trying to guess what the other is about to say and missing wildly. It's like a Fred Armisen character about to fuck a Fred Armisen character. They try to synchronize a little hand wave and don't even come close, but it's getting sexy so let's stop all this introducing and get to the action.

Paul gestures at Marilena and says, "the first thing we like to do when we make love… and that is…"

Marilena opens her mouth to say it with him. They are both on the same page. Definitely.

Paul finishes, "The set and setting."

Marilena, who was probably starting to say "mouth stuff" stammers, "--et and setting!" only a few seconds after Paul finishes. If interior design is the first thing they do every time they make love, that seems to be news to her. As a viewer, it seems like we should be old balls deep in hippie pelvis by now, but we're watching a couple lose at a Newlywed Game they wrote and produced themselves. But back to what they were trying and failing to say together: set and setting. It is of dire erotic importance and then they zoom in on this:

As Paul talks about setting the stage for your perfect sexual fantasy, it pans around this dusty table of things I'm not confident calling shapes. I think I recognize a bell and a candle, but there's also a pile of plastic gloves? A ceramic artichoke? That's a dead bird. If you approached this, text over your head would say, "Quest Added: The Shittiest Goblin Ritual" and it would crash your XBOX.

Paul says when you think about "fantasies," you're "probably thinking about people playing doctor or nurse or slave and master, and that's fine." You amateurs. They're about to show you the good stuff. Marilena grabs the wad of feathers, so I was right about the dead bird, and rubs it all over herself and her husband. You see, they don't do roleplaying like some nerd in a slave costume. They make love "as Earth and Water. Fire, and Air." That's what these dead bird tickles are for– making love as Air. Next, Paul pulls out a bowl of water and dabs some on Marilena to show how they fuck as Water. That's it? Dab them a little? Jesus, that's so much dumber and less magical than I could have ever imagined. It's an injustice I don't think I can stand. In fact, I dare you to fuck me as Water. See what happens.

They don't show Fire or Earth, but I'm assuming you throw a lit match at your lover, or shatter a Dustbuster over their head. It doesn't matter because all this sexiness is coming to an end. The next step of foreplay is musical composition.

Paul shouts "WE LOVE TO SING BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE", pulls out a steel drum, and immediately uses it as a shield to jerk off. Something about this, probably all of it, Marilena hates. See above, it's the most illustrative gif I've ever made.

They chant "Earth My Body" together which isn't exactly Barry White. It sounds like they're about to form a massage train at a Unitarian church. It's stranger than any sex I've seen and I'm writing this from 2025. The default category on today's pornography is "Squirrel Girl With Double Penis," wait, sorry, let me clear my browser cache. Okay, the default category on today's pornography is now "Step Mom Screams Into Anus," so my point still stands.

Using the artistic choices of a madman, Paul dissolves from a shot of him kissing his wife to a shot of him kissing his wife in a different part of the room. He turns to the camera and coos, "And then there's dance. Shaking… and moving. Circling… and undulating!" He's run out of things dance can do. "M-Mirroring!" he remembers.

"Miiiirrrooring," mirrors Marilena, barely four seconds too late.

"Mirroring," he tries again.

No noise at all this time, Marilena says.

They try to demonstrate what they mean by mirroring. They touch palms, look into one another's eyes, and jockey violently for position like elephant seals. It looks like Elon Musk and a robot throwing a tantrum during their wedding rehearsal. "This is impossible, I am Hitler!" they would each say, reminding them why they fell in love in the first place.

Suddenly the beat kicks in and things get so funky.

This rules. These are two people about to fuck.

They strip down to their TV panties and really get after it. Finger wiggles, creep tickles, spider hands, all the sweet moves you'd expect from two people who claim to do this all the time.

You might be thinking, "How are they going to transition from this maximum hype air groping into intimate love making?" Only with the best wipe in the history of video editing:

Smooch, freeze frame, dancing lady wipe to bed. That's how you win the Academy Award for Outstanding Editing in a Porno (Gross or Foreign).

Marilena hisses and blows on Paul's neck and chest hair while he gives a voiceover about stretching his envelope of pleasure. It's the furthest thing from sex, but still so filthy. It looks like a creation legend being told by pubic lice. And as all champion lovemakers do, Marilena pulls out her husband's flaccid dong and slaps it around with her breath. And maybe it's time I talk about that. Paul's erection only appears, debateably, in about 3 seconds of this 41-minute video. There are hardly any rules about this kind of thing, but if you're doing sex stuff and your dick's not hard for 99% of it, maybe all day fuck rituals aren't for you. Maybe you need more activities that let your balls rest.

Marilena finally gives Paul a kiss, but not like you're thinking. They square up and open their mouths to dart tongues into each other while they both make yum yum sounds. It's fully alien. It is a mockery of mouth laws. It's something a body movement coach would say you weren't ready for if you were Kevin Spacey training for a K-PAX sequel.

Marilena heart-wipes in to invite us to join them as they show their intimate techniques "intended to excite you. To educate you." And then they have the nerve to cut to footage of them pawing at each other and making ghost moans. You can fuck like this if you want, but this is way closer to two dying chimpanzees trying to identify each other after an explosion.

There's weird hippie sex, and then there's weird hippie sex filmed on your first day as amateur pornographers. My point is, these two missed spiritual nirvana and hit Helen Keller fetish.

Next they share a sexy glass of water, and yes, by that I mean one of them takes a sip and they spit it into each other's mouths. Hot. I'm sure it's just a coincidence this is how infiltrator starwasps fertilize their eggs on Rylox VII. Paul is still popped-birthday-balloon soft, so there's no sex yet. Instead, Marilena wiggles on his lap and they blow into each other's faces. It is raw panic. I've never been more sure about anything: we are watching two virgins invent sex. These are two unfinished clones who fell out of a vat and they're just trying shit.

There's a playfulness to their "lovemaking," but it's more childlike than a defense attorney would prefer. It's all growls and giggles like a performance artist who forgot to do their homework. Sometimes they talk, but the sound quality is what you'd expect from two maniacs shooting Baby's Day Out: The XXX Parody in their weird basement.

We're in it now, intercourse lovers. Paul and Marilena lay down and suck each other's toes in crazy, varied combinations like an octopus trying to understand a trumpet. It's not for me, but at least this is something I recognize as human sexuality. And it should tell you how fucked up this video is that my notes say "finally: normal sex" at the sight of two hippies making monster noises during a foot sixty-nine.

They separate and spend some time gnawing on each other's fingers. Paul pulls a hand out of his mouth to say, "While she does that I go for the other favorite appendage. I go for the sweet, sweet… arm mane, we call it."

He knows this is the pervy one because he sounds like he's bragging when he slobbers, "sweet, sweet arm mane." He gives us a big smirk, and then sucks his wife's lungs out through her armpit hair. Maybe this is too much kink shaming. I've led a full life and made love to many strange women, so I know people enjoy things like this, but it's jarring to see all of them here in one place without anyone having a boner.

Paul and Marilena start zeroing in on the more ordinary erogenous zones as they get closer to the sex, but they still give instructions as if it's the first you're hearing of ear lobes or nipples. Paul is nowhere near good-to-go, and they couldn't have planned for that, so I'm thinking they had to improvise a lot of this. They are vamping, looking around the body for something, anything new to rub while they wait for Paul's dick to agree to this. They're both doing meditation groans the whole time, by the way. It's so aggressively fucking insane.

Supporting my theory that they were planning on doing normal penetrative sex for most of this is the next section, where Marilena sexlessly rides on different sections of her husband. He rolls over and lets her sit on the back of his neck which we call a Weekend at Bernie's Neckjob, she sings songs while bouncing on his tummy, which there is no name for, and she makes a little "yee-haw" while pretending his leg is a horse, which is called a How The Wiggles Would Fuck Had They Not Been Chemically Castrated By The Australian Government.

Marilena maybe gets grossed out by all these toddler games, so she switches to a much less playful tone. She humps Paul's leg and carefully explains, "I am pretending his leg is a penis." Paul doesn't catch on. He's still locked into her tummy bouncing, which is called a 12,300th Trimester Pregnancy. And since the nicest way to describe his penis is abandoned wet sock, he starts playing the drums on her butt.

His voiceover declares, "We love body drumming!" as if this was the plan all along. I guess it's more erotic than saying, "Listen. We have so much goddamn time to kill between erections."

Wowie! Paul knows adding special effects can add a sparkle of pizzazz to any home video! As for this next part, I'm just going to say it with no whimsy: Marilena stands up and Paul wedges himself between her thighs for what anyone would call a resting hairjob.

Paul sings, "We call this THE BRIDGE TO PLEASURE," but no. Absolutely not, man. This is, at best, The Astronaut's Moist Toupee or The Crowning Ram-Man. What fucking move are you trying? This has to have the worst friction-to-pleasure ratio of any human contact. You can't call it The Bridge to Pleasure when you're mauling your wife's crotch with your hair plugs. Only an idiot wouldn't call this Shaq's Hat Mistake.

Time is running out and things are getting serious. The new desperate plan is this: they zoom in on an extreme closeup of their crotches as they do kegels together. They are so, so far into this sex video, and these several little hiccups are the closest the male star has been to an erection. Any other couple would reschedule their sex instructional video, but not these two. Marilena lays down and Paul starts chanting "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!" at her belly button. To give you an idea of how sexy I found this to be, my notes say "This is how Hacksaw Jim Duggan makes sure his unborn child comes out a minotaur."

He coughs into her birth canal as she continues her kegels. "It feels great," she assures us in voiceover. They cut together a long montage of him barking noises at her vulva, as if they filmed hours of it. He sings a '50s doo wop song at it, he moans on it, he tries everything except human sex, so they switch places. This is going to be too graphic, but guess who has no erection, and who does her best anyway like a milking machine with no way of knowing something's wrong. She sloshes it around, and I made a note that she seems to think the most important part of a blowjob is the teeth. And then she one-upped me by saying, "MY SWEETHEART LOVES IT WHEN I BITE DOWN."

I find a lot of this hard to explain or say, but the next thing we see is her fully juicing his butt. They call it a prostate massage, but she has emptied a bottle of oil into him and is using both hands to flash gang signs at his intestines. I will never show anyone the footage of this, but I did take a clip of his face:

The whole video is genital and demonic face jump scares. And somehow smashing things up Paul's butt was not the solution to his performance issues. Marilena tries growling at his balls, also to no effect. They're still trying to make this catastrophe educational, but it's no longer sex. This is more like scientists studying the effect of echolocation on necrotic penis tissue.

Didgeridoo music marks the start of a section Paul calls "Earth Orgasms." It begins with "the chord of pleasure" because every musical chord has at least three notes and maybe you see where this is going: Paul is trying to invent the shocker with 19th century biology and 3rd century shamanism. He fills every nook he can find on his wife with his clumsy, greasy fingers and seems positive he invented it. But no, buddy, this is everyone's first try at van sex.

Paul finally mentions the clitoris, at 31:25 of his 41:39 sex video, and then ignores it to try a move he doesn't name, but is definitely called The Seven-Fingered Bowling Ball Wife. He transitions from this into a hilarious open-palmed taint shake, so she gives up on him and reaches down to take care of herself. It's the sex instructional equivalent of a big cartoon cane yoinking you off stage.

But then he gives some tips in his area of specialty. With unthinkable confidence he announces, "Our antidote to male performance anxiety is the Languid Lingam Technique. Sometimes when my lingam is soft, I'll place it next to her sweet yoni so she can make it her own personal love toy. Tuck it inside of her, if she wishes. It's so delightful to be totally relaxed while sharing in my sweetheart's pleasure. No need to perform, or even be hard."

And, I mean, what a treat for her.

So this spiritual sex guru wadded up his dong's worst effort and rested it inside his wife, and they called it sex. Instructive sex, no less. They didn't have to film, edit, and distribute this! They could have done anything else with their day, or lives! And who knows how these things happen. Maybe he didn't expect to be this camera shy, maybe he's under a lot of stress down at the tantra cult, or maybe three hours of summer camp games is a bad idea for foreplay. All I know is they have the expertise of 8th graders just trying stuff. For instance, he screams "THE VIBRATION OF LIFE!" over footage of him, again, stuffing everything he can up his poor wife. I obviously can't show you footage of this, but here's Paul's face when he does it:

In the voiceover they praise the joy of simultaneous orgasms, footage not found, and make the wise decision not to end on a man with erectile dysfunction playing make believe. Instead, they replay a few seconds of footage from some other time when things were going a little better. It looks like on his best day he fucks like he's trying to clean the fluids out of a carburetor. Then they end with a kiss. A passionate, animated kiss, like two frogs fighting over the same dung beetle. And you fucking know Paul heart-wipes to the same kiss from the same shot.

Satiated by the limp stabs of tongue and penis, Marilena turns to us and says, "Thank you for joining us, Intimate Secrets of Sex and Spirit. Please come again." To her credit, there's no hint of pun here.

Paul insanely adds, "And as they say, love is Starship: Intercourse." He forms a gaping vagina with his hands and the two of them nowhere-fucking-close-to-together say, "Orgasm long. And prosper."

I have no idea where that came from. These two definitely fuck like they enjoy Star Trek, but up until now there's been no mention of it. It's honestly a perfect post-sex catchphrase for them. Speaking of perfect…

… one of them does calligraphy. And its quality proves something I've been saying for years: when your only hobby is soaking your limp penis in your wife while she makes sound effects, your calligraphy is going to suffer. Orgasm long and prosper!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Joshua Graves, a triple-dicked fuck demon that feels like he might need to call into work tomorrow after witnessing what he just saw in those gifs.

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