Upsetting Day: Doll Hunters 2

This doll hunting thing has not been going well. You'd be surprised how cost prohibitive purchasing haunted dolls to murder can be. Sometimes you purchase a doll and its malevolent spirit is damaged during shipping, which isn't always UPS's fault; sometimes the seller doesn't even put a "please handle with care, full of evil" sticker on the box.

My team is frustrated, and morale is low. We've lost several haunted dolls to not really being haunted at all, but just scams. What kind of a sick person would lie about ghosts on the internet? We need to recruit more doll spotters, so I'm forcing you all to go through training again. Even if you passed last week. I've found an even more deeply cursed training tool that I think is going to help us out. We'll learn roughly five more things about dolls, I bet! Here's Marie Osmond's book, Fifteen Years of Friends.

Marie Osmond felt that after her book celebrating ten years of making dolls, she needed to check back in again, just five years later, and show you even more dolls. I think the dolls are making her do it. No one on the cover of this book looks excited to be celebrating fifteen years of friends. It looks like the friends are tormenting them! It looks like a thing you'd see behind someone saying, "We took down Herr Dollmeister, but not in time to save these poor souls."

I want to point out the extreme difficulty I went through to obtain these vital training materials for you. This book is too big to fit on a normal scanner. It's tome-sized and it lives in my home now. It should be paying rent with the amount of square footage it takes up. Also, after inviting this evil into my home, I got a 104-degree fever, which I wrote some of this article with, because no doll is going to push me around. I will put more doll hunters into the world. On that note. Which of these horrible brand collaboration dolls contains the foul soul of evil? I can't tell because I'm actively dying.

Pretty weird that milk wanted to cross-promote with pure evil. Their product haunts my tummy for days after eating it, so I guess it makes sense. I don't know if it's that beneficial for any brand to promote itself by dressing up a doll as food. However, eating a doll is undoubtedly a way to destroy it. So, I guess I should approve, but I'll die before approving of a doll.

C is obviously the most visibly menacing. Did Disney ask for a doll of Cruella de Vil actively sneaking up on you? AND they gave her teeth, dear God. She's frightening, but is she the haunted one?

Your eyes just slid right over option B when you saw Cruella, didn't they? See, that's the problem. We're getting distracted. Doll B is clearly practicing her strangling arms. Her name is "HERSHEY'S HUGS," which is a slang term for being choked to death by a doll. Remember, you're never safe from a doll. You may see a doll that's only a floating disembodied head and think, That's fine, but you'll be surprised to hear, it's actually NOT!

These head only dolls are actually extremely cursed. Sure, they can't menace you with their tiny doll hands, but they're meant to lure you in closer with their mysteries. You'll think, they had the budget for an enormous hat roughly the size of, oh, I don't know, the body of a doll, but ran out of budget for the rest? Do you think that's the problem here? The hat budget went insane, and suddenly we had to ditch legs? Or is this a just-eating-the-top-part of a muffin situation? Someone thought, 'well the head is the best. I don't give a shit about legs.' BAM. You're dead. The doll has already attacked.

Keep your inferior, permanently attached head on a swivel. We have to be ready for anything. I have intel suggesting that one of these three holiday-themed dolls is hiding something. Can you tell which one it is?

Look closely, all of these dolls have hats, which are famously great for hiding secrets. The Saint Patrick's Day dolls make no sense. What, are you going to buy a kid a Saint Patrick's Day present? There are no more snakes in Ireland, child. Enjoy this Irish stereotype I bought you. No, the real culprit here was designed specifically to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of Marie Osmond creating dolls. The most cursed holiday. I don't think she's alone either. It's a conspiracy. None of these shifty little dolls wants you to know what they're up to.

Why would you design these dolls to look so shifty? Someone with less knowledge of the evils of dolls might ask. Not us, though. Not trained professionals. Not we who've acquired the evidence of the doll creation process. This looks normal, right?

Stop crying. We've got more work to do. To understand the monster, you must know how it's made. Marie was willing to release more of her secrets this time, and I think they could be invaluable in helping us find new vulnerabilities. The photographs are gruesome, though. They really make you realize how intentional the decisions about how these dolls should look are.

I, too, think that we should ban Marie Osmond from knives, or at least, maybe we can ban the dolls from knives? Sorry, I meant banish the dolls from knives. Look out, this doll with an absolutely insane face appears to be reaching for one. She looks like a forty-seven-year-old supermarket manager. For budgetary purposes, I'm unwilling to say for certain that makes her evil, but my instincts lean toward destruction on this one.

We're nearing the end of your training and, unfortunately, I fear the worst. Marie Osmond is simply too strong of an enemy to defeat. She's manufacturing dolls at a rate humanity cannot compete with. There were 1,500 knife-wielding supermarket manager Karen dolls manufactured alone. We'll never be able to collect and destroy all of them. The back and front covers of the book are covered in doll names. They never stop, just slowly fade into oblivion, as if they go on forever.

Sherry, Rex, Peggy, Mr. Wong, Fuzzy, Gina, Gena, Rita, and as I continue, you know they're getting eviler. Sorry, this is serious. No more Mambo Number Five jokes. I can't help myself when I see a Mambo Number Five joke. I have to take it, even if I am in mortal danger, which is the case at this very moment. We're all in mortal danger. Each of these dolls came with a run of at minimum three to five hundred dolls, with one to five thousand being more typical.

Keep in mind, these are all from one creator. There are multiple doll makers out there. This is the Dungeons and Dragons boss that throws hordes of minions at you until your party collapses under them.

Sadly, I can't end this article with the same reassurance I gave you before. The necessity of this article and the fact that two tomes of doll summoning books now live at my house have shown me that none of us are safe. I can only take so many of these items off the streets, even with your help. There will always be dolls, and they will always be haunted. Don't sleep.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Brockway FAMOUSLY Loves the Meat Milly who demands more doll content. We must assume that the dolls have captured them, and it is only a matter of time before they come for any of us next.

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