Nerding Day: X-Com UFO Defense: A Novel

Here’s what I wanted in an X-COM novel: Desperate soldiers and researchers work together to save the world from an enemy menace right as all seems lost! Endless dog fights in the sky! Countless tactical battles on the ground! And science, science, science! Perhaps just one more discovery will take down those horrid invaders!

Here’s what I got in an X-COM novel: A really tired base commander does a lot of office work and once in a while an alien gets shot.

And that’s still fine and dandy, because a little something about me: I love video game novelizations. For a second, I really struggled with whether to put the word “old” in there before “video game.” Because, obviously, most video game novelizations came out in the past. Now that I think about it, almost everything that exists and has ever existed came out in the past before this very moment, so that’s certainly something to contemplate. Can we really call anything “old” if our existence on this planet is but an echo of a second on the clock of eternity? Probably, but you won’t catch me being the guy who does it.

Video game novelizations basically come in two varieties: A mutating, tumor-like growth of canon written by someone who worked on the game and desperately wishes to work on anything else but games, and a weird swing at understanding the original concept written by someone who might not even be aware that video games are real and not just a sci-fi concept from Johnny Mnemonic. There’s also a third type of video game novelization if you count inexplicably official parody novelizations that the writer earns fifty cents on each time you buy a copy, so go for it.

If you’ve been on this site before and only read articles by classy people, you’ve probably seen my take on the novelization of Mortal Kombat Annihilation, which is technically a book based on a movie based on a video game, although we’re not too judgy here, are we, folks? That one was a hoot for all the right reasons, I assume, because I’m never going back and reading what I wrote about it to remember. The point being, there is a bit of a fun weirdness to video game novels that I just can’t help resist. Also, they tend to cost next to nothing at garage sales, which makes me feel like I’m helping my local community and adding to my hoarding problem.

And thus we come to the official novelization of X-COM UFO Defense, also known as X-COM Enemy Unknown, also known as X-COM Get Those Rascally Aliens Get ‘Em Good. If you’re not familiar with the X-COM, who cares? Why do I have to take time out of my fucking day to explain what a video game is to you? Every article, I swear to God, it’s like, “Well, if you haven’t played Street Fighter before” and I don’t even know what to say if you haven’t. Goddamnit. Why are you even clicking if you don’t care? I mean, I’m glad you’re here, but it’s almost like you don’t respect the work that I put in. I’m sorry. It’s not you. I just, I don’t know. X-COM is sort of like a turn-based strategy game with aliens and stuff. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. God, I’m so embarrassed.

The book itself came out in 1996, long before the reboot of the series reintroduced us all to the idea of aliens potentially being bad guys. But it’s written by Diane Duane, who is genuinely a great writer with an impressive resumé. She’s written for Star Trek: The Next Generation and Batman: The Animated Series, two shows that I wish anyone I knew personally had written on. She’s also written for a bunch of cartoons, as well as novels based on various properties - also including Star Trek. Plus, not for nothing, she wrote a short story called "1-900-nodream" which could also be the name of a more twisted, messed up version of this website for the edgiest teens.

So here’s the weird thing about the novelization of X-COM UFO Defense: It feels like the most boring opening third of a relatively decent novelization of a great game. But since it’s the only X-COM novel there is, you’re basically getting a 33 out of 100 grade on this. I know that math is confusing, but so is this book. Because this is one of those weird times when you can tell a good author is being given literally next to nothing to work with. And it’s fascinating. It’s like reading half-assed work by someone whose normal output is worth two asses. That makes absolutely zero sense, but writing this article isn’t the only thing on my agenda today. Baby needs to pick up some ready made ravioli for one!

Most of the novel focuses on Commander Jonelle Barrett, a woman who only talks in military cliches and runs an X-COM base in Morocco. While she’s popular with her soldiers, she suffers from the stress of so many lives lost against the aliens (not her fault) and the drama of hiding a vaguely secret affair with her second in command (kind of her fault). This relationship is put to the test by… nothing, actually. The first half of the novel strongly emphasizes how dangerous it is and how much they must maintain the utmost secrecy to both protect the lives of themselves and every person in their base. The second half of the novel basically makes them a romantic comedy couple whose scenes entirely consist of them talking about being in love, talking about being professional, and then explaining what’s going to happen over the next thirty pages.

Despite having no real growth or progress or change, Barrett’s relationship is possibly the most fleshed out thing in the book? Otherwise, hoo boy, it is a lot of bureaucracy. Like, a lot. And, sure! That’s what the game X-COM is about! Build that base! Get that funding! Sell that scrap from the last mission to buy better goods! Except, imagine if the entire game was you having to just watch a work crew say, “Where do ya’ want it, boss?” while they spend two days installing an alien containment tank. We get so, so much about the day-to-day running of the base but without anything interesting happening! Most of the time the X-COM base is fine! And then there’s an attack somewhere and everyone has to scramble and then most of them die and then everything is fine again! Like, the “horror and death” to “crippling boredom” ratio is probably realistic to a real-life alien invasion, but this is a novelization of a video game! Give us the goods and give us the goods now!

When said goods are given, it’s relatively short. There are maybe three or four big battle scenes throughout the book, each of which don’t last more than a dozen pages or so. Everything else really explores the space. We can spend all the time in the world describing Crud, a real-life military base game, but when it comes to a battle in the middle of the Swiss Alps, we have a few paragraphs to spare. It’s not that the writing is bad. Not at all! It’s just that it feels like this book somehow has a special effects budget so the writer had to avoid combat scenes to keep from driving up the cost of imagination.

I hate to sound like a 41-year-old manchild whose death will be sad but not really a tragedy in anyone’s eyes, but it’s the battles that make this book interesting. Because at least there’s a beginning, middle, and end to them! The book is at its most descriptive when an alien ship is landing on a train station and killing a bunch of people. Even if every X-COM soldier talks like they’re auditioning to be Jesse Ventura’s understudy in Predator. It’s one of the few times something is really happening! Otherwise, we’ve got a shit load of subplots and side stories that go nowhere.

Okay, for example! Remember how I said there’s a romance in the book that basically goes nowhere? Right. Well, there’s also a big betrayal in the book that… also basically goes nowhere. Throughout the book, Commander Barrett keeps wondering how these darn aliens keep getting better at attacking those innocent hoo-mans. They’re so good, these aliens! Heck, it even seems like that they already know everything about the new secret X-COM base! There must be a mole! Let’s find that mole! It’s Mole Mania!

And then they figure out who the mole is, and he leaves, and that’s that. The fact that - spoiler alert, but it’s not like you’re going to fucking read this book - a major scientist working for X-COM has been experimenting with turning himself into a psychic Ethereal alien doesn’t matter to the story. I mean that literally. Towards the end of the book, aliens start kidnapping prize-winning cows from the Swiss Alps. We sort of get a weird, hand-waving explanation that the cows have good immune systems but - also - what? Anyway, these cow abductions are happening very close to the new X-COM base. So, the leaker must’ve told the aliens where they were, right?

Nope! It’s all a coincidence! Literally, it turns out that the aliens built a massive base in the mountain adjacent to X-COM’s own massive mountain base. And they couldn’t have done it overnight because - again - a large part of the book is literally about how much work it’s taking the commander to get the new facilities together. I don’t want to belabor the point, but remember the scene in Futurama where the audience got to decide whether Calculon got to do something cool or focus on tedious paperwork? It’s as if we got the tedious paperwork angle.

The big romance emphasized throughout the book? Good news: The couple is unchanged and unscathed! No growth needed!

The big threat emphasized throughout the book? Good news: They took out a base they only found out existed a chapter before but are celebrating like it’s the end of Return of the Jedi!

The big double-cross emphasized throughout the book? Good news: The bad scientist left and didn’t sabotage anything! So, you know, it’s less of a stab in the back and more of a gentle rub on the back to indicate “goodbye.”

You get the sense that X-COM: UFO Defense: A Novel: Based On X-COM: UFO Defense was supposed to be the start of a trilogy. Or, at least, the start of a whole book rather than just half of one. Diane Duane is a good writer! I can see a world in which she was rushed to finish this slop and get her paycheck. I know from friends that there are publishers who will, at the last second, demand a chunk of the book get cut or have a deadline so strict that good enough is, in fact, good enough. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because she’s written things I enjoy and I’m trying to convince myself to enjoy this.

The problem with the novelization of X-COM is the same problem I have with real life: I’m constantly waiting for something to happen until I realize with only a little bit left to go that it’s not going to get better. When a final battle happens in the last fifteen pages of a book, you know you’re not getting a lot of loose ends tied up. The book might as well have ended with, “To be continued…?” Although the publisher themselves must’ve known that shit was never going to continue because there isn’t even a “1” on the cover to threaten us with a series. They definitely don’t stop the alien invasion. They sort of put a minor dent in it?

Perhaps that’s the strangest thing about X-COM: UFO Defense: A Novel: In Book Form: With Pages. It’s like watching someone who’s great at the game play it for ten to fifteen minutes before taking a break and watering some plants. Every so often it gets exciting and then it goes right back to discussing office politics between current and previous commanders who don’t like each other despite the fact that none of this matters to what happens either at the base or with the aliens. It’s like they decided to fill in every aspect of the world except for the most exciting parts. Someone decided, “You know what? The entire game is about battles! Let’s slow it down to discussing the quality of the food at the cafeteria.” That’s great and all, but maybe more of the whole UFO Defense part?

That said, it’s a little refreshing to get a video game novel that doesn’t finish the video game. It’s the type of book that’s perfect for someone who’s uncomfortable with character development or problems being solved. The romantic relationship stays strong. The camaraderie and trust with the crew stays strong. The ability to fight aliens stays strong, even if we only get to see it a couple times while having it described to us a thousand times.

So, to refer back to a previous paragraph that I wrote somewhere up there, if you’re not familiar with X-COM: UFO Defense, you can read this novel and still not be familiar with X-COM: UFO Defense. And, in a way, that just makes playing the real game all the more fun!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: ND, an X-COM alien, but like a cool one? Snakeman. Was Snakeman cool? He looks cool. ND is Snakeman.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM