Nerding Day: Star Wars Affirmation Cards

If a bully shook out all of the items in your backpack, what is the one item that would get you the most additional bullying? Correct, it's Star Wars Affirmation Cards. Statistically, if you're carrying Star Wars Affirmation Cards anywhere on your body, you deserve what's coming to you. I can't help it; that's just statistics.

These cards are somewhere between oracle cards and Star Wars bible study. Although they're called affirmation cards, they come in four different categories: affirmation, inspiration, guidance, and activity. There's also a booklet that tells you how to use the cards and provides additional guidance on specially marked cards. The "additional guidance" is just a rewording of exactly what's written on the card.

The booklet explains that the cards are intended for "Confident young readers, preteens, and even adults." I found them at a used bookstore, still wrapped in the original plastic. Almost like whoever got them wanted to get rid of them immediately because they feel like the It Follows monster of being a huge dork.

The cards were released in 2021, which was a year when many people and companies were doing regrettable things, but I won't let a COVID-19 fever excuse this weird Disney cash grab that elevates Star Wars to a morality play that stars a dog man. If there were more Jar Jar Binks in the Bible, I might have read it.

When I first read this, I thought who the hell is Ben? The evil Kylo Ren? We're calling him Ben now? Ok. I guess it's hard to market him as a role model for children when we're reminded that he slaughtered a bunch of children. He's a mystical school shooter turned Nazi, but in the end, he was like, "my bad," so he still gets to impart wisdom to the children, I guess? Inspire me, Ben Solo.

If anything, I think this man's problem is overconfidence. In this scene, he's talking to the ghost of his Dad, whom he murdered. Thank you for this "positive role model," Star Wars. I feel like I can do anything, even violence!

The person who chose the photos for these cards didn't put a ton of thought into which frames they chose. I'm sure they could have found one shot of Adam Driver from that scene where his head isn't scrunching into his neck. I'm sure they could have found a picture of Yoda for the next card that doesn't look like he's cumming, but they had no interest in that.

Did you feel inspired by whatever that card said? I was too distracted by the picture to even read it, but I'm sure whatever it says is very helpful in building my confidence. Let's move on to the guidance cards.

So, all of the people on that card are dead. They died at the end of their movie. It's a still from Rogue One. I don't know if that's the best example of someone facing an impossible task and succeeding in the Star Wars universe. Pretty sure Luke defeated the Empire AND lived at some point, maybe throw him in there instead?

There's a real problem with scale in these cards. I assume they're designed to help children who have problems like, "I wanted to use the green crayon, but Tommy had all of the green crayons up his nose and refused to share, so I ate the purple crayon because it's his favorite, and now somehow I'm the one in trouble." And the person being used as an example of someone who also lost their temper really badly one time murdered his father.

I don't know if Kylo Ren is a "take three deep breaths and count to ten" situation. This is like showing two Jedi knights fighting to the death as an example of fighting with someone you care about. Is there no less extreme example across eleven movies and sixteen television shows? They have cartoons! I'm pretty sure no one gets permanently disfigured by lava because of an argument in any of those.

The next series of cards is activities. Surely, it will be easy to find people in Star Wars doing fun activities together. Flying around on the cute little space dirt bikes they had in The Book Of Boba Fett, for example. Or Baby Yoda playing with other children, or everyone in the cantina dancing to jizz.

There's really no shortage of puppets that look like they're cumming in this card deck. It's not what I expected from Star Wars Affirmations Cards, and yet also, it absolutely is. They put Jabba The Hutt shoving a whole live frog into his mouth on the "eat something new" activity card. I've never felt more culinary adventurous. Time to shove my greasy little hand all the way into my enormous mouth just like famous Star Wars hero Jabba The Hutt. Just kidding, here's what the hero of Star Wars, Luke Skywalker, is doing to encourage kids to plan a fun activity.

Remember in the new Star Wars movies when Luke was a sad, smelly cave hermit? Kids will want to be just like him! He's Luke Skywalker, former hero, current owner of upwards of nine books and one tarnished Jedi robe. Be just like Luke Skywalker and read a book, an activity you could never plan on your own without the encouragement of this man who lives in a cave where I'm pretty sure all those books were burned two minutes after this picture was taken? Wait, why do you seem more depressed than before these Star Wars cards gave you self-esteem? You probably just need to see some affirmation cards. Here's a good one.

This is exactly what I pictured when I thought of Star Wars Affirmation Cards. Fifty-two chances of a little green man to tell me I don't suck. I am Yoda, I live in a swamp, I have enormous ears, and I am bald. Yeah, I don't think this one is working either.

Ok, so that's baby Darth Vader. He did have a natural skill set but his shining for everyone to see was pretty violent. "I am gifted like Darth Vader" is, again, a very weird thing to have children aspire to. I can't stress how many characters there are in this series that aren't evil. Sure, Princess Leia gets "I am brave," Han and Chewie get "I am loyal," and BB-8 is on "I am determined," but there are even more non-evil characters. Put one of the cute little wrinkly sock puppets on there, like Babu Frik or Salacious B. Crumb, and call it a day. I am gifted, like the funny little mechanic puppet, which is way more inspirational than I am a walking corpse like Darth Vader. AGAIN?

We are drawing so much inspiration from Darth Vader here. This is moments before this character's death. I'm not sure if whoever made this deck has never seen Star Wars and is just choosing pictures randomly, or if they're just a big fan of the Empire. The back of the box promised me that "The heroes of Star Wars share lessons, advice, and inspiration in this collection of motivational cards." What it delivers instead is perfectly constructed to ruin a child's self-esteem and shatter an adult's.

When therapy is too expensive, why not try Star Wars therapy? It's only twenty dollars at your local used bookstore. Is it good? No. Will it work? No. However, it is cheap and there are a lot of pictures of puppets in there. Everyone knows being obsessed with puppets and nostalgia is famously good for you.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Dusty's Rad Title, who was shoving whole live frogs into his mouth by the fist full long before Jabba tried telling him what to do.

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