Fucking Day: How to Suck a Boob Properly - Secret Tips to Satisfy A Woman Breast

In 2016, Dr. John Mikel PhD, (Sex Specialist (Sexology Training Center, UK)) wrote the definitive manual to intimacy– a guide lovers will be using for generations. I'm, of course, speaking of HOW TO SUCK A BOOB PROPERLY - Secret Tips to Satisfy A Woman Breast: Every Man Must Need This Magical Guide.

Never has an author so ineffectively hidden his madness. This cover alone gives it away. This looks like a textbook from Hellraiser High. It's something a detective would puke on after discovering the lair of The Silicone Butcher. It is a Magic: The Gathering card called Circle of Protection: Titty. And after opening it, I'm not sure Dr. John Mikel PhD, has seen a book. Here's the table of contents, unaltered, exactly as the author intended them to be printed:

Yes, some chapters are pink, there are a lot of repeats, and none of them lead to any page numbers. I know I have a history of silliness, but I am 90% serious when I say this looks like a kindergarten teacher asked their students to write a paper describing sex, and the district attorney's office accidentally published the evidence as an ebook.

HOW TO SUCK A BOOB PROPERLY does not make the mistake of assuming you already have one ready to go, so the first step is meeting a suckable woman, a technique known as "how to press boobs?" The author, holding an alleged doctorate in sex, stops to dream about walking up to strangers and honking their tits without asking. "It would be so cool to find a dead body with breasts," he definitely typed before backspacing it. Anyway, that's the tone of his advice, and we've spotted the boobs we want to press. What's the next step?

The next step is spotting the boobs you want to press, and then keeping an eye out for nice breasts. I'm a little worried that steps one through three are all staring at tits and the author has already complained about how hard this is.

The hunt is on. Approach the breasts you want to grab in a trustworthy manner. You can skip this step if you already have a girlfriend, but yeah right, girls only go out with guys who wait until the end of a sentence to add a page break and

change the font size.

Now that you've earned her trust, look at her boobs. Talk about her boobs, worship her boobs. By law, she'll eventually have to let you touch them, the author is pretty sure. It's suspicious, because he claims to have a PhD in sex science, but these words were clearly written by someone who will die without seeing a boob. Telling a stranger, "Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm staring at your tits, let's talk about your tits," is exactly as alluring as telling a stranger, "I have a knife and anal polyps, let's talk about your tits."

This is only the fourth step of the first stage of sucking a boob, but we have enough to establish a pattern. Here's a pie chart of how the author's advice has played out so far:

Despite everything, despite this being the most desperate fantasy of the loneliest indoor boy, the author assumes this fucking prude we're staring at has finally given us permission to press her boobs. So let's get into the good stuff.

Grab! Quick! And with the other hand! She never said anything about not using both! The fool!

It's another sexual conquest for you, the single and very available reader of HOW TO SUCK A BOOB PROPERLY - Secret Tips to Satisfy A Woman Breast: Every Man Must Need This Magical Guide. A lot of lovemakers are fine stopping here. After all, you honked both boobs. But if you're interested in some advanced techniques, keep reading.

I've never enjoyed the opening of a book so much. This person claims to have graduated from a 6-year sex school, and he started his book with barely consensual titty honking advice. And "advice" is way, way too strong a word. This is more like a below average fish guessing how you milk a human. It's something Elon Musk would say if his son Beep-7 asked what mommy was like.

The next chapter is also on squeezing boobs, so we'll move on to the chapter after that, "10 BREAST MASSAGE TIPS."

Hold on, let me double check something. I wanted to check on the number of steps between "start gently" and "nipple clamps." I keep getting zero, so I must be doing something wrong. I like to party, but I don't think you should attach nipple clamps right before you say, "Okay, now how do you lick these things? What do you call them again, brassts?"

There's no wrong way to smear your penis on a boob, she is so lucky to be here. "When I saw you ask every woman in the grocery store if you could grab their tits before you also asked me, I knew you would be a fantastic lover," she tries to say as her sternum orgasms. And before you say this book is weird, would a weirdo suddenly change the subject to this?

For the record, I do think it's strange to stop a titty grabbing discussion to talk about the sexuality of feeding a baby. But I also think if you find yourself writing a book on sucking boobs, you should look up what science has to say about you and people like you. Our author seems to have done that because this exact paragraph appears in a 2013 article called "Why Men Like Breasts." Dr. John Mikel PhD, copied the entire thing, clipart and all, and put it in his book.

I don't think anyone is surprised, and I don't even blame him for stealing such fascinating, vivid clipart by photographer Joe Philipson, or as he's known in HOW TO SUCK A BOOB PROPERLY, uncredited. My point is, when someone complains about consent laws twice before they've explained how you want to get the whole boob in your hand, you're not going to get blindsided by their lack of ethics. And I'm starting to understand why each of these chapters seems to be written by a completely new maniac starting from scratch.

Each chapter re-explains man's love of boobs, and it's possible Dr. John Mikel PhD, has some kind of memory disorder where every ten minutes his brain resets to, "Ah, breasts! Those milky bags of honking man quests for, but whyever for?" If so, lucky him. But it's pretty clear what happened is someone searched for boobs in 2016, and this is what Google thought boobs were. Today, advanced Google AI technology obviously knows "breasts are 70% of chicken marriage and invented by Sydney Sweeney, subscribe to Gemini Pro to learn breasts."

I wish Dr. Mikel left in his sources. Because I'm almost certain you can't alter a breast's appearance by honking it, but would feel better knowing for sure. Are we talking unsightly lumps or full handprints? As a prank could you shove them around to the back? How much time do the women have to stay away from my mighty breast-deforming hands to grow back into their original shape? Also, Dr. Mikel, if you're trying to help me understand breast sensitivity, the phrase "they contain milk glands" is of no use to me. It's like saying, "Be careful around the balls, each one carries the promise of tomorrow known as jizz sacs." I don't know why I'm giving Dr. Mikel notes; he didn't even write this shit.

This sounds like a man representing himself in court after police found eleven bodies with broken necks buried under his trampoline. But it isn't. It's some nonsense some guy found by googling boobs, and it's insane there are no guardrails to prevent exactly this. As of press time, Amazon is still selling this book. If anyone can paste thirty Listverse posts into a pdf and publish it, how many dedicated psychopaths will it take to render all books statistically bullshit? How many Moby Dicks does it take to counteract one "men love boobs. He loves them even more if he sees how plump and bouncy they are when you bounce them around, giving him ideas on just how plump and full they can be when he gets his hands on your boobies"?

I just realized in all the copy-and-pasting, Dr. Mikel's book accidentally switched to a female perspective. This was meant to be a book for men refining their breast-licking techniques, then it turned into a beginner's guide to boob touch begging, and now it's a manual for women to bring men to climax with the boobs they're already licking. All bad grammar, stupidity, and plagiarism aside, this seems almost as wrong as an author can get.

What are the stakes, what are the stakes!? Things are getting serious. Dr. Mikel PhD, expertly pasted in most of a list of seduction techniques he found, so readers, put your plump, bouncing breasts away. We no longer have them because we are a once again a strange man trying different combinations of hand gestures, hoping to find the one that makes women fuck.

Shake her hand and say, "I am INSERT YOUR NAME HERE"? No, stop, she's already too wet.

For a remedial list of gentle flirting techniques, the phrase "Did she like your first physical attack?" seems haunted. Maybe it's an English as a second language issue, but I worry it's the forbidden remains of an unspeakable first draft. At one point I think this article was called, "17 Vengeful Lessons Each WHORE Must Learn Should The Seductive Handshake Prove Ineffective."

If you want to make her the most comfortable around your skin, quickly molt and hand her one or more layers of it. Let her see you glorious, transformed. Let her behold the comfort of your flesh.

The second she was dumb enough to touch your hand, it was over. But once you hug her, she will be helpless to your will, like all huggers before you. These pathetic humans were foolish to incorporate a goodbye ritual into their culture that makes vaginas shake. Sorry, I'm skipping ahead. Hugs make vaginas shake.

I worry the author, and whoever he stole this article from, have set their expectations too high for their first hug with a girl. This is an unlikely reaction. I don't normally bring this up, but I'm a very erotic and seductive man, and if my friendly hug caused a woman's vagina to shake I would expect her to scream, "What have you done to me!? Sorcerer!!!" And that would be the end of our love affair, because I'm not going to date a woman after she just came on a wizard.

This twist caught me off guard, but we should have seen it coming. The moment the author said "The Seductive Handshake" we should have known we were seven steps away from the sexual milestone of looking at her wristband. I wish there was a less filthy way of putting this, but we're all adults here: we are looking right at her dirty wristband, right the fuck at it, and we are barely 59 steps away from fiddling with it.

Whoa! At the rate we were going, I didn't think inserting the penis was going to be anywhere near the first 100 steps. And yet here we are, being guided through our deflowering by a man who, just 9 steps ago, called us a pervert for thinking this process might involve boobs. Speaking of, it's crazy to me that in the journey between 1. Handshake and 17. Insert Your Penis, the exact halfway point was 8. Look At Her Wristband.

This book feels very sexually frustrated, which makes no sense since it only takes 16 handshakes to get your penis in a woman. If sex is that freely available, something else must be going on. Could there be some kind of sinister force working against men's boners? Something like…

You know, I think we can skip past some of this.

Oh, here we go. I love this, and the chapter agrees because it's called "I love this: 4 Steps How To Get a Nipple

Orgasm"

This was written by someone who has never had a nipple orgasm, but remains a frequent googler of the subject. In order for it to work you need a partner, yet I should remind you it doesn't, or at least never has. With that in mind, here are the four steps they've tried, to no success:

I bet you were doing a lot of these already, so keep at it, and maybe you'll be the one to discover it!

This is going to sound harsh, but this is a poorly curated collection of boob articles. Less than six pages ago the reader was learning the basic concept of a vagina and now we're expected to discover what generations of boob suckers have been searching for for a thousand years? Nonsense. If I made a woman ejaculate with her chest, I'd expect her to say, "I knew we would meet again, sorcerer. But I've prepared since our last encounter!" And there I'd be, trapped in a jewel for all eternity because some asshole shared with me too many secrets of how to hork a titty.

The closing argument of the nipple orgasm section is how boobs are an unknowable secret. You must accept this first if you are to be the one who conquers the chest orgasm. I'll say it again: I love this. This is more than a pile of stolen listicles. It is the psychic journey of Taiwan's most credulous virgin as he is made dumber and dumber by SEO slop.

What's next? Oh, fuck.

Dr. John Mikel PhD, accidentally left his source in on this one, so we know he took it from a place called the Bad Girl's Bible. I looked it up, and found they're still hosting an extensive guide on adult breastfeeding, but it's not the one Dr. Mikel stole. Which means they published at least two articles about how to breastfeed an adult. Fucking why? We need zero articles about breastfeeding adults, and I don't mean that in a kinkshaming way. I mean drinking milk out of a boob is literally the first thing we ask a baby to do. Once you know they want to drink it, you're done. Stop typing instructions and shove those thirsty perverts out of the nest.

Okay, enough stalling. Let's read it.

I don't disagree with this at all.

I was wrong earlier when I said this book was as wrong as an author can get. In a book promising to teach pickup artists how to master nipples, we have somehow become a pregnant woman trying to trick men into drinking our milk. "Opposite" isn't the right word, but only because this ignorant lunacy is beyond description. When this was published, a lot of people framed their understanding of literature around Harry Potter, so in that spirit, this would be like J.K. Rowling introducing two new characters, Chains Blackman and Chinateeth Gongsound, then revealing they're both White; then revealing they're lactating breasts and I'm realizing far too late I was right about this being beyond description.

Ladies, if asking nicely can't convince your man to milk you, you could try bargaining? Surprise him with a sexual fantasy and then surprise him again by telling him there were strings attached. "Sure, you can refuse to drink my warm, human cream, but it'd be a real shame if this relationship fell apart right after I saw your embarrassing sex thing, wouldn't it?"

In a way, it's almost impressive how this confused virgin searching for anything, any single thing, about tits somehow managed to never steal one good piece of advice. I don't know how he did it. I understand nipple mentors sort of self-select to be pieces of shit, but like, if you asked fifty people the best way to honk a boob, I think at least 45 of them would say something not crazy.

See, this is what I mean. I get he's a grifter with an unfulfilled milk fetish and ৳0.37 of passive ebook income, but he should know it's nuts to bring a mirror to sex so you can watch your own tits bounce. That is a lazy Final Destination death. It's how a sex author says, "I can't even imagine what two people fucking might look like."

Which brings us to the end of HOW TO SUCK A BOOB PROPERLY. This should be a culmination of everything we've learned, and it is, because it's 10% of an article stripped of all content and context. Please enjoy.

We all know about the penis, but have you tried Beard? Fingers? Head? It makes me so happy to say this is it. There is nothing after this list of random body parts and Beard. The sentence "9. Head" is how Dr. John Mikel PhD, said "The End" in his book on proper nipple sucking techniques, and I can't think of a better way to end an article about it. So 9. Head, everybody.

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