Fucking Day: Pussy Juice Lube

J.R.R. Tolkien supposedly popularized the phrase "cellar door" as one of the most beautiful in the English language. If he'd spent less time on the ancient mysteries of the aelves and more time crushing ass, he might have realized that "cellar door" is fucking garbage compared to the greatest three word string in history: Pussy. Juice. Lube.

Pussy Juice Lube! What a wonderful phrase! Pussy Juice Lube! Ain't no passing craze! It means— well, hold on, what does it mean, actually? No, really. Take your best guess. What could this combination of phonemes possibly signify? I'll give you a hint.

Did that help at all? It's the background from the pussyjuicelube.com website. No cheating, now. Have you got an idea? An inkling? Enter your mind palace and allow the words "rapture," "rave" and "pussy juice lube" to whirl by you in a play of free association. What do these terms bring to mind? Ecstatic worship? The effervescence of an all-night dance party? Pussy juice lube? Pussy juice lube???

"Merritt," you're saying, "it can't possibly be what I'm thinking it is. There's no way that Pussy Juice Lube could be that." I have great slash terrible news.

It is exactly that.

I could just end this article here, because nothing I say from here on could possibly be funnier or more deranged than the previous image. But I'm contractually obligated to keep going for at least a thousand words and change, so let's zoom out and take a look at the bigger picture.

The front page for Pussy Juice Lube looks like a gag in an I Think You Should Leave porn parody starring a guy named Tim Throbbinson. It hits like a fucking sledgehammer. It's possible that the words "pussy juice" are erotic to someone, somewhere. But even that hypothetical pervert would hit semantic satiation within moments of arriving at pussyjuicelube.com. To me, someone who has been ruminating on the subject for weeks, those words have long since been divorced from their original context. I am now a wanderer in a blasted world devoid of meaning, eking out a precarious existence by my blade and wits. I stumble upon the ruins of a long-dead empire. This place is not a place of honor. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. The danger is still present, in your time, as it was in ours. Pussy juice lube.

Do you have questions? Questions like "huh?" and "what?" and "why?" Let's mosey on over to the FAQS page and see if we can't get those answered.

No you didn't. None of that happened. It just didn't.

Oh. I see what we're doing here. This is a comedy joke. For laughing. Because I can state with absolute certainty that nobody has ever asked "can I use this product which purports to be female bodily fluids for the purpose of lubing up another, different woman's dry hole?" I refuse to live in a world where they have.

I love the exuberance of the answer here. "Yes! You certainly can moisten a dildo with the erotic drippings of a pornographic actress and then insert it into your asshole. There's nothing in the laws of god or man that says otherwise!"

This one makes me a little uncomfortable. This is one of those subtle, insidious ways that racism is perpetuated. Minorities are labeled — Latina, Asian, "Ebony" — while whites are the unmarked default, "regular." With regards to vaginal secretions, I mean. Like, why don't we call Ebony Pussy Juice Lube "Pussy Juice Lube" and the other one "white Pussy Juice Lube?"

Oh, sorry, they actually kind of do that. Hold on though, because I think we might have uncovered some further issues with the racial politics of Pussy Juice Lube.

White women's vaginas are "delicate." How about "Ebony" women?

Not so. And Asian women?

Anyone who has ever had sex with an Asian woman can tell you about the slick and embracing feel that will cover you with extra luxurious ecstasy. The sensual arts of the Orient are mysterious and come with a written letter featuring pictures of the woman donor so you can see how beautiful and sexually appealing the moisturizer's donor is. Could we maybe get a look at some of those donors?

Wow! This definitely is not the first page of Google results for "breast lady" in 2008. Eagle-eyed viewers whose brains have become inured to images of gorgeous women by the babyfaced anime flesh golems produced by AI and/or the easy availability of hardcore stepmom porno might have noticed the words "Gallery Page 1" at the top there. There are four pages of this.

Four pages! Four pages of photos which range from professional glamour shots to MySpace mirror pics. Not to cast aspersions on the ethics of the people who invented and sell a product called Pussy Juice Lube, but I wonder whether any of the women in these pictures know that their image is being used to market said product. There's an argument to be made that maybe some of them do, because Pussy Juice Lube not only sells generic race-based birth canal extracts — they also market the libidinous ichor of individual porn stars.

Years before gamer girl bathwater and bottled farts, Pussy Juice Lube was claiming to exchange sex squeezings for $59.99, plus shipping and handling. That's a thirty dollar markup from the store brand, in case you've forgotten. And I guess if you're the kind of guy who's obsessed with one particular adult performer, that might be a reasonable value proposition for you. But it does raise some logistical concerns.

Google's AI results tell me that the average premenopausal woman produces 10 Garfields of vaginal lubrication per day. Medical websites say it's closer to three or four milliliters. Each bottle of Pussy Juice Lube contains four fluid ounces, which is equal to about 118 mL. That means that each bottle of performer-specific Pussy Juice Lube would take approximately one month to collect, assuming no reduction in volume during the purification and sterilization process.

Those numbers already aren't favorable, but it gets worse when we consider that a porn star's job is to have sex for money on camera. That means that a considerable amount of natural lubrication is going to be wasted at work and won't end up in the magic absorbent dildo and wrung out into a bottle to be packaged in one of AMAC's plastic boxes, a favorite of designers and packagers since the 1960s. I'm sorry, that sounded insane. Let me show you the unedited image from pussyjuicelube.com that provides context for that factoid.

Good god, I just realized I'm over a thousand words in and I haven't even mentioned the saliva lube yet.

Bit of a bait and switch here — this is a bottle of Caucasian Saliva Personal Moisturizer, and Natalia Starr is merely acting as a spokeswoman for it. This bottle of Saliva fluid was filled by a young beautiful woman of Caucasian ethnicity. The crazy part — aside from all of it, I mean — is that four ounces of saliva costs the same as four ounces of vaginal lubricant.

I asked Gemini how much saliva the average person produces in a day and it said “I scream for mouth cream.” The actual number is something like a liter, give or take 500 mL. Some quick back of the fluid-soaked napkin math suggests that Caucasian Pussy Juice Lube should be something like 400 times more expensive than Caucasian Saliva Personal Moisturizer 100% Natural Personal Moisturizer. Is it possible we're being taken for a ride? A wet, wet ride? Let's take a look at the page titled "How We Collect Our Juice."

Flash died for our sins. For Macromedia so loved the world that it gave its only web animation technology so that we would never have to see the How It's Made episode on Pussy Juice Lube. Yes, I tried to dig it up with the hacks people have used to restore beloved animutations and cereal tie-in browser games from the early 2000s. They didn't work.

The ambitions of the maniacs behind Pussy Juice Lube were once limitless. A decade ago, they published a press release inviting some of the biggest stars of the day to sell them their carnal goop.

How the mighty have fallen. Time makes fools of us all. It's unclear whether Pussy Juice Lube is even still in operation, though the site remains up to this day. The front page stands silent testament, imploring the grody to purchase the lusty broth of nubile coeds.

But there's another call to action on the site. Because it takes two to exchange legal tender for underwear-staining discharge.

Times are hard. Everyone's struggling. I haven't held a full-time job in over a year. If my desiccated body, drained of its precious fluids, turns up in a dumpster in a few months, you'll know who to blame.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Joshua Graves, who really wanted to make sure their name was linked to Pussy Juice Lube in google search results.

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