Nerding Day: Bloor, Dictator Of Uranus

It's the distant future, the year 1982. The Earth is ruled by the cruel Emperor Seng I from New York City. Luckily, there's one man with the power to stand up to him and fight for humanity. A man who goes by Futureman. A man who will punch a robot right in the dick on the cover of this comic.

Yeah! Get his robot dick, Power Nelson aka Futureman. With a first name like Power, he was basically guaranteed to become a punch adventurer at some point in his life. Futureman was engineered in a lab to be a perfect dick-fisting machine on humanity's behalf, which is great because the evil Emperor Seng is the least of Earth's problems. In issue No. 4 of Prize Comics, Power Nelson has to take on his biggest villain yet, Bloor, Dictator Of Uranus. What a terrifying and imposing figure the dictator of Uranus must be!

That's… that's him? Bloor, Dictator Of Uranus, looks like a nervous, off-brand Gumby sex doll. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before Bloor shows up, things already aren't ideal on Earth. There are no jobs, and this guy, Power Nelson, keeps using his superpowers to lightly bully the Emperor.

We're all going to ignore the obviously terrible depiction of the Emperor because this is about Bloor, and he's not in the story a ton, but obviously, yikes. What the people want to hear is that the Emperor will create a job program because there are no jobs and no one has any money. Luckily, the Emperor is bailed out by Bloor who needs some human slaves to come to Uranus. Uranus likes to be full of people.

The fact that anyone fell for the Emperor's fake job ad is insane. There's no listed salary, no gravity or atmosphere facts, not even a listed job title; just jobs in general, like human men have. Probably lifting things? Maybe use a wrench to wrench stuff? Something like that. Men are lining up to pile into these spaceships without a job interview or anything. They're just like, "Sure, huck me into space, Bloor! I'm sure I'll love it."

Power Nelson decides he's always wanted to check out Uranus, so he goes to make sure everything is on the up and up with all of the men who were recently lured there by a job ad with no listed salary or details about how they would return to Earth. Good instincts, Power Nelson! Strength isn't his only superpower; he has a basic will to live that most humans apparently lose by the distant year 1982.

I want to pause here and acknowledge that Uranus is a silly word. It can't help that. Some words aren't meant to be silly but they just sound silly, like pro bono, kumquat, shuttlecock, even dictator for that matter. So, for the rest of this article, we're not going to chuckle at the word Uranus, ok. We're all adults here.

So it turns out the men on Uranus are being exploited. No one is paying them for their labor, and they've been chained to their machines, forced to create bombs for the off-brand Gumby sex doll. Not on Futureman's watch! He has all the powers of a man from the distant future (again 1982), and he will not stand for this. He also has an absolutely incredible costume. Pretty sure I bought that belt from Hot Topic in 2006. Pretty sure we both look fucking sweet in it.

Futureman breaks the chains of the men in the factory, and Bloor's minions sound an alarm. Bloor needs to send his best soldiers to crush the worker's revolution. It just so happens his best soldiers are all gorgeous identical blonde white women with Madonna titty cones for armor. This feels pretty feminist for 1940.

Is this what the women of Uranus look like? Put that in the next MEN WANTED ad. Bloor went to print with "Free Meals" when he could have said "va-va-voom! Unlimited Jane Mansfields!" Anyway, it turns out women are Futureman's one weakness. He can't fight them! Even when they have big swords and fight for star slavery. Fifty percent of Earth's population could kick Futureman's ass. I could kick Futureman's ass. I'm going to kick Futureman's ass.

You heard him; he's allergic to women! He must get muscle spasms around us or something. Whatever the reason, women are his kryptonite. He just lets them tie him up and take him to Bloor. Clearly, he's very upset about this horrible outcome; just look at that cute little smile on his face as the warrior women in panty armor tie him up. Before you start wondering if this comic was created by the same guy who created Wonder Woman and love scenes that involved bondage, no. This comic was the work of a man named Dick Sprang. That's his real legal name. It's not funny. Stop chuckling!

How will Futureman ever escape this pickle to fight an alien dictator who looks like a frightened pickle? Don't worry; Futureman is pretty sure that Bloor has an alien dick somewhere on that weird-shaped body of his, so it's ok to kick his ass. He doesn't look for the dick to confirm, and Bloor gives me real "reproduces asexually" vibes, so I don't know how Futureman determines his gender before attacking. It's possible that Bloor doesn't even realize his best soldiers also happen to be hot, sexy babes. Maybe among their species, all of the males have huge racks. Something to think about!

Lady Bloor, The Girlboss Dictator Of Uranus, doesn't fight her own battles. She's got giant robots that do that for her. So now Futureman is like, great, I have to examine this robot's genitals as well to make sure etiquette allows me to fight them. He really gets in there and does a thorough inspection.

Do you think he's referring to himself as the junkman because his fists are junk-seeking missiles? You might think that having defeated the robots, Futureman would then still have to contend with the hot lady army who is in the same room as the robots to whom nothing has happened. They are still an army of at least 100 of Uranus's best soldiers who Futurman cannot fight. The thing is, no. After seeing Futureman punch the robots in the dick, the Amazon warriors back off. They've got other things to do, I guess? They went home? Or they just decided to let Bloor get beat up by Futureman now that the robots are gone. All I can tell you is we never hear from them again.

Futureman's main superpower seems to be bullying authority figures. Another thing I like about this comic is that in 1940, we didn't need to consider the logistical issues of returning 100 men from Uranus. They all just walked back onto those rocket ships and flew home with Earth money that was also somehow on Uranus. Uranus is full of treasures we could never imagine.

The space fleet carries the men back to Earth. Do The Amazons get to go home? Are they from Earth? Futureman has no questions like this. He says he's "sorry to say it, but they kind of seemed like bitches” so I guess they're staying on Uranus forever with Bloor.

So that's Dick Sprang presents: Power Nelson Defeats Bloor, Dictator Of Uranus. It's a moving, very genital-based tale of what our future could be like. Sadly, we are coming up on 1982 fast, and it looks like we may not get to experience the wonders and babes Uranus has to offer.

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