Punching Day: Exposing the Dangers Behind Martial Arts and Yoga

As a Christian, are you allowed to do kung fu? The answer is no, because of mysticism, which means there is no reason to read this 180 page book saying the same thing over, and over, and over.

Exposing the Dangers Behind Martial Arts & Yoga: A Christian's guide to the harmful effects of these spiritually rooted practices was published in 2011, decades after this kind of religious maniac went extinct. The author, Dr. Vito Rallo, actually thinks there are wizards. I'm not joking when I say he thinks Satan invented yoga and Karate to trick you into betraying God. Those are foundational rules in his universe. And he would know, because he is the Former Five-time USA National Karate Champion, and Christians are not allowed to make shit up.

I'd never heard of the USA National Karate Champion fighting league, so I did some research. Shockingly, I found no trace of any dead or defeated USA National Karate runner-ups, and in fact, outside of this book jacket, no one seems to have ever mentioned this incredible honor or organization. I'm not saying Vito Rallo, Doctorate in Divinity from a Florida Christian College, is lying, but I am saying I'd sleep very soundly on a bomb set to go off if Dr. Vito Rallo was anything close to the fucking five-time USA National Karate Champion.

So hopefully I've calibrated your expectations. Dr. Vito Rallo is a retired Florida Karate instructor, not really a doctor, afraid of black magic, and comfortable making up easily disproven lies. Anyone who would buy his book or believe a word of it would have to be a goddamn lunatic. I mention that because the copy I have is used, and the previous owner was a goddamn lunatic. They read this cover-to-cover and, using a ruler and a ballpoint pen, underlined at least seventy percent of it.

I cannot wait to show you. This is the very first paragraph on the very first page, unmodified by me in any way:

That's an endorsement from a pastor in Idaho who raves, "Vito is right: yoga is a psyop by Oriental sorcerers." And like I said, I didn't know we still had Christians like this. Every word of it sounds like a dick making fun of them, and every underline seems sarcastic. And the whole book is like this. You don't need to read any of these clippings I pull. You already get what's happening here. These are thoughts that would leak from an alchemist's head if they got trampled during a witch drowning.

Dr. Vito Rallo opened his book about the theological implications of Eastern philosophy in martial arts by screaming, "GHOST WAR! It's already upon us; we're all going to die!!!" It's insane, but a cliche sort of insane our grandparents had to deal with. This type of superstitious coward losing a fight to his imagination is mostly extinct. I wouldn't be talking about him if it weren't for these underline choices made by his biggest fan. They underlined the words synergy and growing interest and then completely fucking ignored "but man is seeking to become supra human." They read a sentence about dentists gaining mystic abilities and thought, "better underline synergy." This is a cursed artifact like none other. A lasagna of madness assembled by two extremely different Garfields. I mean, look at this avalanche of nonsense:

Exposing the Dangers Behind Martial Arts & Yoga is a frustrating book. Imagine trying to explain everything Dr. Vito is screwing up here. "Yoga is evil because it's not Christian" is a pretty easy concept, but this guy is somehow still trying to find the words. Is it worth mentioning how that's stupid? Yoga has been around for over 200 years and has produced zero evil wizards (so far!), and with the entire premise debunked, let's talk presentation. Here's a note, Dr. Vito: you used the exact description of the Karate man stock photo you searched for as its caption. Fucking zero out of ten, man.

But great underlining, maniac who bought this book before me. I like how you underlined "yoga in action" but not "yoga in motion," the slightly less common of the two very ordinary things to say. You get a high five (sometimes referred to as a "yoga slap" or "Hindu yes hand").

The book's previous owner took a short break from underlining on this page, and good for them, because it's Dr. Vito explaining how feeble-minded eastern barbarians have been tricked into worshipping monsters. But you can see the reader still had their pen and ruler ready and underlined a few words at the end. They were going through this thinking, "Racism… stupid… racism… oh shit, the gods of these inferior savages are half-man, half-animal? Awesome."

Seriously, though; I don't know how you sit down to write a book about hiding from Karate magic and then call someone else's culture primitive. If this man saw you doing a card trick, he would throw a spear at you.

One thing Dr. Vito Rallo learned on his way to becoming the Former Five-time USA National Karate Champion is that Karate only works if you summon dark arts from an evil spiritual domain designed to "eventually destroy mankind, if possible." That's the book's previous owner's emphasis, not mine. That one was mine. Again, I didn't know this kind of Christian still walked among us. He thinks black magic is going to kill everyone, but not in a way that's urgent. He's not hunting Karate fighters to save the world. He's sitting around complaining about how Karate only works if you have occult powers. If he's serious, it's deranged in a way you can't honestly engage with. If you threw a spin kick and said it was powered by Satan, his response would have to be, "Oh my god, I know! I was just about to say, um, Satan kick much?" Or maybe not. Dr. Vito Rallo is like the last speaker of a nearly dead language.

One terrible truth we must always relearn is that no matter how dumb someone is, they think everyone else is dumber. With that in mind, let's look at what Dr. Vito Rallo thinks those dummies in the public know about Karate, a word the book's previous owner always -always- underlines under any circumstance:

"People saw the word Karate and were like, WHAT!? when instead of teapots, 'Karate' ended up being some kind of Chinese pajama attack? Not like us smart people who know it's a demonic plot to eventually destroy mankind, if possible."

- Dr. Vito Rallo on the History of Martial Arts (sometimes known as "Choo Choo Yoga")

Dr. Vito accidentally uses the word "evolution" when talking about ancient yoga transforming into modern "Tapout," so he completely distracts himself for a few pages. Believe it or not, he thinks evolution is a lie to destroy God, but I think we can skip past that to get to his more important work of tattling on people who have tried yoga. Dr. Vito Rallo names names. And do you know who betrayed Jesus with yoga? President Barack Obama. Almost. Kind of.

"Heard" from an unnamed source and later verified by googling "yoga in the White House," Dr. Vito Rallo learned a Domestic Policy Advisor for the Obama administration admitted to yoga. Do you know what this means!? It means President Barack Obama is less than two red strings away from the word yoga on any sane investigator's corkboard. This news was shocking enough for the book's previous owner to write in the margin a single word: Obama.

"Looks like this goes all the way to the top," the book's previous owner told their dog. "DELAYMENT WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN; YOU ARE THEIR SWORD, APOSTATE," the dog replied in clear English.

Okay, here's where the book gets strange. Dr. Vito can't seem to decide on how much damage Karate does to our world. I figured you multiplied pornography by the color of your belt, but it's much more specific. Any involvement in yoga or Karate is enough to give nearby demons "the legal right" to.influence our realm. The book's previous owner didn't underline that, which I think was a mistake, because that is the kind of nuts worth taking note of. It means the author is claiming Hell paperwork gets filed when you try yoga, and he is crazy enough to think he can say things like that without explanation. I have to submit plans to my HOA architectural advisory board to get rid of a tree stump, but Heaven lets a demon move into my soul every time I pick up throwing stars? That's either bullshit, or fucking bullshit.

Dr. Vito has some more interesting theories on martial arts, like how "non-Orientals" don't know about them because each country conspires to keep them a national secret. It's possible, but sounds unlikely and he's been wrong before. If he wasn't the Former Five-time USA National Karate Champion I would have thought these were the words of a racist child, dying from forgetting to breathe.

Here, late in the book, Dr. Vito finally starts to talk about his own experience with Karate. Dr. Vito's story unfolds amidst a flurry of underlines as he describes gaining extra-sensory abilities and extraordinary power. In a mockery of God, he found himself sometimes knowing what people were going to ask before they said anything. It's a pretty unimpressive list of psychic powers, and almost sounds like a stupid person being confused. Like, I know when a close friend is about to ask, "Why does my mom have fifteen pictures of your penis on her phone," but I never think it's because I'm doing too much Karate.

Dr. Vito Rallo has an entire chapter about why Bruce Lee was evil. Drug use, Chinese, martial arts (aka "yoga in motion")... all the normal reasons a biographer would accuse a man of harboring a demon. Dr. Vito claims it was actually this demon that inhabited David Carradine "because it is not possible to get another person's human spirit." Dr. Vito might shift from formless superstition to the rigid, known laws of human spirit transfer without warning. It pisses me off. What's the point of mocking something so nakedly ridiculous? Like, it wouldn't even occur to this spaghetti-brained swamp bigot he was supposed to make sense. "I agree. Fuck this gibberish. I'm not underlining a word of it," thought the book's previous owner. Sorry, let's do a fun one.

Dr. Vito starts telling unsubstantiated, vague stories about Karate masters who can knock people out with magic breath or a stern look, the book's previous owner writes "evil eye" in the margin, and suddenly the idiocy is beautiful. This is like The X-Files if it was filmed in 1581 and every character was Mulder.

With a new pen, the book's previous owner furiously underlined almost every word of Dr. Vito's story about his impossible physical strength. Dr. Vito was so mighty he became suspicious of his own power. Could the Former Five-time USA National Karate Champion have allowed too much demonic energy to legally reside in his hands and feet? It's too stupid for a grown man to type, a rejected story pitch from a first grader playing ninja, but yes. That's precisely what Dr. Vito claims, and at least one person bought it.

This section on Japanese murderers changing the color of their pupils was summarized with the words "Black EYE BALLS" by the book's previous owner, and I can't improve on that. Black EYE BALLS.

Dr. Vito's most passionate reader was especially concerned with Karate that makes your pupils go away, but since I'm the one holding their cherished book, we can only assume it didn't save them.

This is going to sound as unlikely as anything you've heard today, but there are some myths Dr. Vito Rallo does not believe. For instance, he met a Karate master who claimed he could kill you with the death yell, and Dr. Vito thinks it might not be true.

I feel confident it would be a waste of time to debunk this story about a Karate liar debunking a story told by a Karate liar who never existed. But it does lead us into a section of the book where Dr. Vito Rallo, disgraced yoga informer, starts questioning the validity of Karate magic. For example, he has a six bullet point response to a story he heard about where a Karate instructor demonstrated a deathblow on his students. He calls it, of course, Food for Thought, after the Oriental word for "food."

I don't know what he's doing. Are Karate powers a terrible gift of the actual Satan or something that would, um, never actually work in a real fight, you fools? An elderly Christian nerd claiming to be the Former Five-time USA National Karate Champion is telling us Karate can grant psychic powers and unravel the laws of our universe, but it's ridiculous to think you can hurt someone with it. That's perfect comedy and I have nothing to add.

I have nothing to add here, either. This all checks out.

I think this list of martial arts side effects is accurate too. Let's go through each one indi– oh, shit it keeps going on the next page.

Okay, time to go through them all. Let's start with "19. Sexual temptation." Dr. Vito says you'll get this because of "touch," etc. but not like you're thinking. He doesn't get turned on by the tiny kicks of children, etc. What he's saying is that when you do Karate, everybody is transferring evil spirits back and forth in the same way you might touch a lover. You know what? Let's end with "19. Sexual temptation."

After listing the 23 dangers of doing Karate, Dr. Vito starts up a whole new list about the dangers of doing Karate in a church. And I'm not saying it's getting him horny, but he got to "wild, unexplained sex thing" twelve numbers faster this time.

How did Dr. Vito Rallo get like this? Is this how every Florida Christian Karate instructor's brain breaks down, or was there a singular event? I'm so glad I asked. Here is the origin story of Dr. Vito Rallo:

It all happened on the day when he was the referee for two 9-year-olds in a point Karate tournament. Despite the honor of fighting in the presence of the actual Former Five-time USA National Karate Champion, one of these third graders forgot his training. Dr. Vito saw upon him facial distortions! Full of rage!

"How!? Fucking huh!?" thought the brilliant, experienced Karate mind of Dr. Vito Rallo. Why would a child be upset about getting punched (aka "Vishnu motion conked")? In his own carefully chosen words, Dr. Vito saw something peering out of the boys that was spiritual in nature. "Check," wrote the book's former owner. Psst! I'm losing my mind. ✓

Keep in mind, Dr. Vito had only been a Christian for about nine months at this point. He shouldn't have been able to tell this boy's anger was supernatural. They don't teach you child face decoding until year 3, and if this book's former owner was here you can bet your ass the start of this sentence would have looked like "They don't teach you child face decoding until year 3.✔Child face OBAMA?"

If you're refereeing a Karate tournament and one third grader discards his martial arts training to try to kill someone with ape rage, it's not a big deal, but I'd say that's the one thing you're specifically there to prevent. If a sane person told this story the next words would be, "I separated the kids, and took a point away from the feral one. Sorry, this story doesn't have an ending, I'm not sure why I started telling it."

But not Dr. Vito Rallo. He let the tiny Karate boy rage, Satan's perfect agent of mayhem. He watched, paralyzed with horror, as the parents cheered them on. "Kill him!" they cheered. "Ha ha your kid is so mad, Mike," they screamed. Madness! The invisible hand of yoga!

Dr. Vito finally stepped into the ring and stopped the match, because he was the kind of referee who waits outside the ring in this real, true story. "What's your problem? You look like you're seeing goddamn demons," thought the two boys and their parents from the perspective of the storyteller himself. Speaking of storytelling, the silence was deafening as Dr. Vito stood silently. You could hear a pin drop in the silence, such was the voiceless void of the junior Karate yellow belt sparring test interrupted by a man only about nine months a Christian. More quiet than silence itself, the lack of sound was very nearly beyond description.

It was at that moment, where he scolded a grade school gymnasium for encouraging Karate, where Dr. Vito Rallo found his crusade. His life would be dedicated to preventing this, the supernatural madness that fails to injure one 9-year-old and stops immediately when you ask it to. And yes, maybe he has failed. Maybe children are still doing Karate and Obama* still knows people who stretch. But not everyone is a lost cause like President Barack Obama**. There is definitely one person out there Dr. Vito saved from a life of spirituality, and I'm not talking about Barack Obama***.

* Obama

** Obama✓

*** Obama

I feel very confident this book's previous owner never picked up nunchucks again.

"DON'T DO!"

- My Beloved Brother in Book Ownership

This very, very annotated copy of Exposing the Dangers Behind Martial Arts & Yoga is now one of my most prized possessions. No matter how many times the author stated and restated his ridiculous anti-Karate thesis, the previous owner was there in the margins to agree, scribbling "DON'T DO!" or "Not of God!" or "can't be sure I get the SEX STUFF." So yes, these two people are idiots, but harmless idiots. Hilariously, intentionally harmless idiots. However, just in case they're right, let's end the article with Dr. Vito's own anti-yoga prayer to cancel any and all legal rights evil spirits have to your life. Until next time, everyone, DON'T DO!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Russell Bauman who legally rescinded Satan’s access to his soul after doing one (1) push-up.

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