Hot Dog Appreciation Day: Like Buns in the Rain

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we commute to work by joining hands and feet to become a human wheel.

But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where diarrhea in a Bob’s Big Boy isn’t a medical problem, it’s a date.

Last month, Skebotron taught Sissyneck about the Mormon Sac-Tapper.

Remember kids, you only get excommunicated if you linger.

During Hunk Week, only Sissyneck noticed that Zak Koonce brought back a comedy format we thought dead lo, these last ten years.

Now let’s move on to the Comments, where our sweet hot dogs got a little sentimental. We’re touched, but let’s not make a habit out of it. Weepy wieners leads to soggy buns.

Grey King is not sure where he is, but Robert K. knows. It’s… home.

Bonnybedlam wants to know what the Hot Dog Taxes look like.

If they want to audit us, they have to take stock of the puppet closet, and nobody gets out of there alive. That was a joke, this is the real answer: we tried bringing our taxes to an accountant once, and they threw us out. That actually happened!

David Conner would remind you we have a wonderful store full of merchandise nobody will ever, ever talk to you about. That’s a feature!

Taylor Hensley sent us this totally unprompted.

Please assume there are thousands more messages just like it. You see? That’s why we can’t stop the AI puns. It’s all because of fans like Taylor Hensley.

Eon was willing to do the homework, but Vooster is out here saving souls.

Oh, nevermind, Vooster is just out here burning down Zack Snyder.

Here at 1-900-HOTDOG, we want nothing more than to help you explore and embrace your sexuality. Sex is personal and beautiful, and all sexuality is valid. Except Chris Hendrix’s.

Swift Justice knows what comic nerds fear, and it’s… horny women? That can’t be right.

Hunk Week touched a lot of hearts and only slightly more dongs. In particular, Kodicus Maximus and Max Rockatansky were moved by the can-do spirit and no-thank-you buns of Cleveland’s own Frank Gorgeous.

FancyShark was… less moved.

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month! Meet Finance Ape!

Wait, haven’t we met this ape before?

This is what’s referred to as an Ape Paradox, and if allowed to continue unchecked it will tear off the very face of the universe, and piss right through the heart of time.

Now on to the Discord where Gellaho is teaching delinquent youth to read the site they pay for. Or don’t pay for, or once considered paying for and no longer do. Whatever, the point is no loitering you punks.

For decades, Journeyman Jared has been personally haunted by an Australian McDonald’s promo game, and that’s not fair. Hauntings should be shared with the class.

Rooster has an idea for the next Star Trek reboot-

This would work for every robot. Data confidently telling Geordi to eat ammonia pancakes, sure. But maybe a Small Wonder where you can prompt-hack Vicki into submissive dogplay. Terminator but the T-1000 can’t stop eating his own shit.

Proxy and Dan B learn that sometimes, your readiness to condemn is actually a condemnation of yourself.

While Longmile doesn’t learn any god damn thing at all.

One thing we at 1-900-HOTDOG value above all else: Amateur karate magic.

A close second is unwarranted effort in the name of something stupid. Like the way ProfessorRocketSurgeon covered both the Dogg Zzone 9000, and Hot Dog Nights theme songs. They’re beautiful, they’re cursed, they’re a little like repainting the Mona Lisa in your own piss, and that means they are the highest form of art.

Congratulations, ProfessorRocketSurgeon! You are this month’s winner. And that means you will be given custody of our most valuable prize: A picture of deadly martial artist Jackie Chan caught wearing an adorable little outfit.

He’s one of the world’s most dangerous men, and this photo would completely destroy his image. If he ever finds out you have it, he’ll kill you with a pair of stilts and a hula hoop. If this picture ever goes missing, we’ll understand immediately what happened to you, and we’ll send condolences to your family.

Last month we entrusted this photo, which was of kung fu tornado Jackie Chan wearing cute lil’ Osh Kosh toddler overalls, to Skebotron. We just got the envelope back, and we now relay this prize to you, ProfessorRocketSurgeon.

Oh. Oh no. Please send your respects. In lieu of flowers, Skebotron’s family is asking for revenge.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll “accidentally” mail them Jackie Chan kompromat and then call Jackie with an anonymous tip.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM