Learning Day: Johnny Lingo

Alright did you folks ever hear about Patricia McGerr? She was a writer lady in America in the 40s and 50s and 60s. She wasn’t any kinda superstar, she was a midwest gal and went to school in Nebraska but and then Columbia for journalism and she authoured like a dozen novels, mostly mysteries, and even did a literary innovention:

That is really pretty neat honestly. And they even made a french-italian thriller movie out of one of her books so: I suspect a lot of us would die pretty satisfied after such a life. Of lung cancer, probly. Now, I know who I’m thinking of as a avatar for Trish:

but fillin your own blank as you like.

McGreer also did the occasional short story and once, kinda near the end of her career, she wrote one up, kinda just a lil harmless slip of a tale, and a australian women’s magazine bought it and ran it:

(title obscured for suspence)

And now here we are in 2025 and Trish is dead and in heaven for almost 40 years but she is far from forgotten, no, hers is a very vibrant and strange legacy, alive yet unto today, and pretty much all of it came outta that one short story. Behold: what has fruited of that tree:

Astonished? Be not so, for you see, now I will feel smarter than you by revealin the name of what was previously obscured from your view, by me.

I wish we were here in person today so I could get a raise a hands a how many people already know what Johnny Lingo is and are rollin there eyes its so basic, and how many of you don’t know what the hell this is and are confused and frightened. For that second, gentile group: can you guess what is it that happened, that all of McGerr’s books and novels are forgotten and dust, but the tiny sliver of her career that is the Johnny Lingo story is apparently belovered and remembered and a inspiration to all? Well it gives me no pleasure that once again i got to point my finger of blame and j’accusation at:

Zoom an enhance please.

Man, that looks even worse, enhance never works like in the movies. If you cant read it, luckily they put it on there twice:

Yep, we got Mormon-sign again. 1969 Mormon-sign! I doubt we’ll ever see crewcuts as high or as tight again. In this case these particular latter-day saints continued the proud pioneer tradition of making honestly kind of high-production-value short films that ‘parently are supposed to teach or inspire us about something Godly but as we have seen: sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. Let’s see how how they did with Trish’s story.

We start fast: that boy up there behind the tree announces along with the title that the man arriving by canoe is named Johnny Lingo, and this is very excitin news, mostly to the women of the island:

So far we have only seen indigenous island folks, so obviously that won’t do for a 60s BYU production audience surrogate. We meet our stand-in and well i dont think anyone then or now would object to us callin him a colonizer, probably back then it was a compliment. His name is Mr. Harris and he has bravely brought merchantilism and capitalist enterprisin’ to the island paradise. One of his first lines is beratin a local guy, Tulo, for not working hard enough.

Tulo apologises that he’s too excited to labor for anothers enrichment right now, Johnny Lingo has come to the island! Lingo is a respected trader but Tulo is confused because ‘parently Johnny has come to marry a local gal named Mahana who:

Ugh! But that’s not all:

Both men agree this is disgusting and puzzle for a bit about how could any man have interest in such a woman. Now you might be ‘specially put off by the implications here of what is a acceptable age for a child-bride, but remember: don’t judge other cultures. Now, in this case, the culture happens to be in the imagination of a white lady in the 60s as interpreted by the film production dept. of a university owned by a church with greater net worth than Disney…but still. Be respectful.

But it’s not a bad story hook! Why would a Island Chad like Lingo even consider a woman so far past her prime!? You have my attention, Tale-Weavers of Provo. Pray, continue.

We cut to Mahana’s father talking with an older bud and we receive 2 special gifts. Gift 1) is exposition of how women on the island are traded for cows. Mahana’s mother was a 2-cow wife and sheez, look how Mahana turned out.

Contrarily:

His bitter regret appears to have deformed him up physically. And that wig ain’t helpin.

And Gift number 2) is: a easy and fun island fashion tip:

A empire-waisted wrap with nipples exposed! I tried it myself for a few days with one of Trayton’s oversized minecraft towels and found it to be comfortable and freeing, but the manager-on-duty at the Maverick told me it counts as “No Shirt”, so I guess it will be for private leisure only.

Anyway, we get a first glimpse of the hideous Mahana, she has been listening to her father say she is ugly and he would like to beat her. He tries to walk it back and say no actually everybody likes you, but she speaks the truth:

Yes it’s not the clearest shot but you can see what theire trying to pass off as a ghastly she-beast. It’s confusin. It makes a normal-lookin person feel like how they did during all those ‘’Liz Lemon is a complete uggo’’ jokes. Its like the opposite of when theres a “big hit” song in a movie that the whole world supposedly loves but then when they play it, its just boring. When your still impressionable, these things make you doubt you’re own taste and judgment, but then after you get self-respect, you lose trust in the creators instead. So please cast actual uglies i guess is what Im sayin. If Clint Howard is busy, hell, give me a call.

Anyway, it is now the time of wife/cow bargaining time. We at last meet Johnny Lingo in the face and damn:

Look at that wicked little lift to his mouth there; to my eye he’s got that pre-curse Calibos kinda handsome. The women of the village take a moment to confirm “would” and “can get” with each other:

And those there are 4- and 5- cow ladies, so you know they know high-quality man-flesh! Also the movie shows us that they hate each other because of this difference in MSRP.

Now, some of our sci-fi delegates reading today might recognize the actor playin Lingo:

I relate, for isn’t it also rumored about how you’res truly would probably have been Magnum P.I. if the whole Indiana Jones didn’t fall through on Selleck.

Everybody agrees Mahana’s father would be lucky to get even a single cow for his elderly daughter, but he consults with his counselor and decides fuck it, I’m goin for three. Lingo thinks about this and says hmm three is many, here’s my counter offer of HOW BOUT

All gasp.

The mystery endeepens. Mahana’s father accepts and every one leaves in a absolute daze. What on earth, we ask ourselves and each other!?

We cut to Johnny Lingo arriving at the mercantile to trade a shell to order a pretty mirror as a gift for Mahana. Mr. Harris consults the stardew wiki and accepts this is a fair exchange, but takes a vantage of the encounter to ask “Man, 8 cows? I don’t get that I surely dont.” and Lingo explains: “No-one will ever forget the time Johnny Lingo paid 8 cows for a wife.” So now Mr. Harris understands Lingo’s willingness to tolerate Mahana’s repellance:

We return to Mahana’s father, who is plagued by doubt and fear. Both and he and Mahana think there’s NO WAY was the whole 8 cows thing for real.

But wait and hark! Is that a cinematically-timed moo I hear?

Folks, you know there aint a cow less than 8 in that train. We feel excited and happy about this hahahaha. And who is it drivin these beeves with such a plomb and testosterous vigor?

Look at that pro, there’s a chance they didn’t even have any cows in that shot in real life, but youd never know it. Damn, just gaze upon him. Do you think he could really shut down that smile enough to be a good Spock? I sorta doubt it.

Now, even with the cows on site, Mahana is a little reluctant to go with this man who paid for her, but she is a boughtened-object now, so she has no more right to decline than does a canister of Elote Pringles after they’ve been so wisely and shrewdly purchased by one such as I.

I am as gentle when I coax those dehydrated tater curves from their cylinder.

So they get married and have a lil reception. Mahana has a wonderful time:

The happy couple leaves on their honeymoon.

A few months pass and then Johnny and Mahana return! Mr. Harris heads right over to deliver the mirror but Mahana’s dad is already there and He’s real mad at Johnny about something.

He is so upset Look how inflamed his nipples are. Mr. Harris heads in and Johnny Lingo is like oh sweet the mirror came, Mahana, come say hi to Mr. Harris, and you’ll never believe it

Mahana is hot now you guys. And the lesson this film was made to teach us becomes clear! Well actually I don’t know. Is the lesson: if you treat someone, even a ugly, with the pure love of christ, they will surely become fuckable? Let’s ask Johnny:

Yes that does seem pretty demeanin. So now Mr. Harris and I both get it, we understand that Johnny paid 8 cows for a woman so to make her happy.

Huh. Ok I guess Im still confused, so happiness wasn’t the goal. What is it that you DO get from bein a 8 cow woman then?

Ohhh ok, there we go, female fulfillments doesn’t JUST come from beautiful, the actual pearl of great price is findin a new way for other women to be less-than!

I’m going to be generous here and give the good folks at BYU a benefit of a doubt: Im gonna assume they were shootin’ to make a little PR Art piece here about how ALL persons have basic human worth, but they kept bumpin’ up against the constraints of the genre (patriarchy). Let’s give em one more chance, maybe we’ll get one a those lil moments of transcendants:

Oh my god there doing it there really doing it! C’mon 60s mormon film school students, almost there alllllmooooossst there! Tell us that Johnny knew Mahana from years ago and its NOT just shes a good-looker, he’s actually is in love with her personality and character and shared values and...

Well once again I have to admit that I’m not quite clear on what the Mormons were trying to teach me here, and honestly? I don’t think they were either. Best i can do is: treat others for minimum 8x their free-market worth and: its not like I went lookin for it or anything, but sometimes a darkweb user like myself might stumble across some info on how much a certain type of person might fetch on certain black markets, so for better or worse I have a pretty specific dollar amount in mind for some of you in the name of jesus christ amen

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Greg Cunningham, a BYU film department lead with a flair for nipples and livestock.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM