Learning Day: A Women's Guide To Football🌭

As we all know, football is the manliest thing a man can do. It's got everything men love: big beefy dudes, balls, sweating, touching… you know, man stuff. Though we have tried many times, women simply cannot comprehend it. Yet tome after tome has been written to further this ultimately futile cause.

As we all know, women are far too busy with Girlbossing to concern themselves with trivial things like man games. No matter how pink the football is, once it goes into the air, it becomes a projectile question mark to all those cursed with a vagina. In 1986, a production company called MPI assembled a crack team of experts to solve America's biggest problem– the football widows. They just need to abandon their interests and focus on football instead, you see! How can other hobbies, like volunteering in your community, creating art, or being a pediatric nurse, compare to the epic highs and lows of high school football? Meet our football explaining sheroes. One is shirtless.

The shirtless man is former professional sporty guy Tim Wrightman, who gamed two full seasons in the NFL. He's the eye candy to keep us gals interested in this boring sports talk. Look at that slab of prime 1980s USDA meat. You'll recognize the clothed man as comedian Tom Dreesen, who has a golden palm star on the Palm Springs California Walk Of Stars. The final shero of this film is Lois Hall. She's a woman so I like her, but she can't sports. Don't worry, Lois, the men will teach you, and one of them will be sexy at the same time! Tom will also be there.

Booooo, they let Tim put on a shirt. Boo, I hate this movie already. Oh my God, is the rest of this seriously going to be talking about football? Yes. It's just Tim sitting in front of a board explaining the different football positions to Lois. He tells Lois without an ounce of suggestion that his favorite position is tight end. It turns out that's because it's Tim's position. Tim doesn't just love tight end, he is tight end. Will this whole article just be me sexually harassing C-list football daddy Tim Wrightman? Stick around to find out.

In case, like me, you're suddenly realizing that NFL players tend to have a shorter life span than most people because of all the head trauma, I want to let you know that I definitely looked into that before starting this article, and don't worry, Tim Wrightman is alive and well. He owns a pheasant preserve and event venue now. I swear to God. I could not write a more pleasant ending for Tim. He literally moved to the farm upstate where our parents pretend to send dogs. Also, he once had a role in a film called Swimsuit, The Movie, which I guarantee you wasn't kind to women and which I now have to watch. Fuck you, Tim, you sexy piece of shit.

Where was I? Oh yeah, hot man teach me football. He begins by reviewing the names of each player's little job. There's Mr. Grabby, run away, run away but faster, throw hard, knock down, knock down left side, knock down right side, ouchie, Mr. Kicks, and Greg. He does a terrible job of explaining this.

Tim and Tom explain the positions to Lois in the same tone of voice you would tell a very delicate child that their goldfish died. It's like they're worried their lady football victim will escape at any moment. Lois reassures them she's having a great time, but I don't believe her. She acts like she's learned just enough about tight ends to know running is no option.

Once Lois understands all of the football men's little jobs, they can show her some game footage and explain to her what is going on during the game. Men love doing this, and honestly, this video deprives so many men of the joy of explaining football to women. It's also depriving women who don't want to listen to men explain football the opportunity to build a beautiful little mind palace that we can go to whenever the topic comes up. A mind palace that may now be inescapable for some. Some of us watching A Women's Guide To Football may be suddenly realizing that their defenses against learning about football are too strong, and they actually can't work past them to hear a single thing said about football, whoops.

You know what this video needs? Tim in some of those tight little football pants. They only wear those yoga pants to try to get women to escape their mind palace and take an interest in football, right? Anyway, Tim looks fabulous in his football costume, and Lois is pulling it off as well. Tom is also there.

In order to really understand football, you have to actually do football, you see. That's why Tim has to pile drive Lois into the dirt. If she doesn't experience the pain of football she will never truly grasp football. Sadly, I'm lying. They did this costume change for no reason other than to help keep my attention, which it is not. This VHS is failing its job of educating women about football. They should have added a dance number. Instead, they all sat down for a while and talked about the choreography some more.

At this point, you might be thinking, wow, how could there possibly be more football to learn? I wish I was dead. My brain is exploding with football knowledge; every person who enjoys this sport cannot be lugging around thirty-six minutes of institutional football knowledge with them at all times. Yet, according to A Women's Guide To Football, they absolutely are. It's time for another costume change. We're finally getting to the dance portion. Tom is the ref now, and we're going to learn about the interpretive dances the refs do to tell the crowd what the football men did football bad. Bees also communicate with each other by dancing. Very creative!

Lois and Tim are great at pretending none of these signals look silly, even hitting below the waist, which, to me, a novice, looks like a man porking an invisible man from behind. Other ref signals include chopping invisible carrots, the hustle, don't touch my snacks, Greg come over here, honk Mr. truck driver, no way sister, and dramatic pointing.

I'm sad to report that no one kisses at the end of this video. Which is, frankly, wild. I hate it when movies end in any other way than that. Instead Lois, Tim and Tom, who is still here for some reason, all sit down to enjoy football and pizza together. I get that Tom was supposed to be the comic relief, and I did not experience an ounce of relief from him. It was an unrelenting wall of football the whole time.

Clearly, I understand football now, and congratulations after reading this article, so do you! We're all football experts. When Mr. Grabby does a run up the middle, we'll be able to shock and impress everyone in attendance at the football show by saying, "Hey! I'm aware of what just happened. I didn't allow my consciousness to flutter away to a beautiful place near the ocean where football doesn't exist. I was here, I was present, and I saw Greg do that fantastic floop of the oval projectile. It's a shame that the ref said no way sister to him." I could football all day! Unfortunately, I have other obligations to attend to and will never football again, instead.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Gellaho, who understands football now but refuses to acknowledge it.

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