Upsetting Day: Get Swank'd

Once a week I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking. I cry out; I’m convinced that they’ve found me. I’m about to get Swank’d.

Get Swank’d is the 2015 makeover show you didn’t know existed from fyi, the network that you also didn’t know existed! Apparently, fyi started as The Biography Channel, which was then shortened to the hipper Bio Channel, and then further diluted down to fyi. It’s the channel specializing in tiny houses and mean blonde women. Guess what Get Swank’d focuses on. Here’s a hint: it’s a spinoff of the 2013 Lifetime show Pretty Wicked Moms, the premise of which is just: did you know that Moms can also be terrible?

The show stars Emily Dees Boulden, owner of the Atlanta boutique Swank, and her sidekick Nicole. Nicole claims to be a “designer,” but there seems to be no evidence of this. Emily likes to keep Nicole around because Nicole is clearly terrified of her. In one episode, Emily said that Nicole was “smart like a valedictorian and everything,” and Nicole quickly replied, “Right, but you’re street smart, like when we’re in New York, you always know what street we’re on.” So that’s the dynamic at play here. It’s also important to keep in mind that both of these statements were delivered by women with the thickest Georgia accents possible. 

Style shows aren’t really a thing anymore. Post-pandemic fashion is, hey, you managed to put on real pants today!? With a zipper and everything. Good job! Clinton Kelly and Stacey London, the hosts of one of the most famous makeover shows of the 2000s, What Not To Wear, are rebooting it as a show called, Wear Whatever The F You Want. I don’t think Emily Dees Boulden will ever tell everyone it’s up to them how Swank’d they want to get. In an era of comfortable fashion, she’s still selling a $1,000 fur and fringe hooded poncho for when Coachella moves to Antarctica. 

I'm sure you can imagine what Get Swank'd thought was fashionable in 2015. You know how you see Instagram models wearing those ugly wide-brimmed hats, and you wonder where they got those ugly hats? They got Swank'd. Swank'd specializes in overpriced party dresses and statement necklaces so large the only statement it could possibly be making is, "I am the cursed gem from that parable about greed you read."

The show's original premise was that Emily and Nicole were going on a "trendsetting road trip adventure in the hottest phenomenon on wheels, a fashion truck." However, Emily and Nicole weren't too stoked about the idea of leaving metropolitan Atlanta. Most of the show is just them driving to a place in Atlanta where they think they will find ugly women. First stop, a farmers market. "We can't stop them from eating kale, but we can stop them from lookin' plain!" Emily exclaims. Honestly, I'm surprised that FYI didn't encourage them to go around knocking kale out of people's hands. Kale Stoppers would probably have gotten a season two. 

At the farmers market, Emily and Nicole encounter their mortal enemy, a woman dressed comfortably. They assess whether these women are in need of a "mini-Swanking, or an absolute Swanking." The women who show up pretend to either have seen the Swank truck's location on Twitter and popped by to shop or pretend that they have never even heard of Swank before and just happened to decide to do some special event shopping at a sky-diving hanger. A dirty trick the show plays is telling everyone to show up with no makeup and messy hair so that if they simply curl their hair and put some lipstick on them, they already look objectively 60% better, even if Emily manages to wrangle them into the biggest necklace on earth. 

They often pick a celebrity and style their customer to that celebrity; my favorite instance of this is when they say they are going make a woman look like "Jennifer Aniston but married." You know, because you can see the stench of the unwed all over Jennifer Aniston. They don't say that directly to the client. They talk mostly to the Swanker about how she has nice long legs she should off or a tiny little waist. Then, in their confessional, they say her fashion sense in "Ma maw, ma maw, ma maw" and cover her in sequined beading and fake diamonds to make her look young and hip. 

So is Swanking when you make a 25-year-old mother wanted in connection with a kidnapping look like a 37-year-old HOA president? I know you're dying to see more of these Swanking's so let's get into them. Sometimes, a swanking will make you say, "Oh, they've taken this incredibly beautiful woman and added a little fringe. Ok, I guess that's fine." 

Then, sometimes, you'll see a Swanking where they've done even less work. They've taken a conventionally attractive blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman, made her slightly blonder, put a dress on her instead of sweatpants, and called it a day. This particular woman's fashion problem was that she, sadly, has a job. She works in construction, so she's normally dressed for a construction site. Quit your job, Linda! Fashion problem solved. 

The other favorite fashion issue that Emily and Nicole love to Swank away is when women are simply far too small. They’re so tiny they could fall into a teacup and drown. It’s a terrible tragedy. How can Swank ever help these petite women? Did you say hair extensions and a dress that looks like birthday wrapping paper? If you didn’t you’d better start running. The punishment for failure might be getting Swank’d! 

All these women essentially end up looking like they've had the same Real Housewives Of Atlanta filter put over them on Snapchat. There are very few adjustments made for personal taste or style. However, they will, on occasion, dress someone for a specific event. The Woman below was looking for an outfit to wear on her honeymoon in Mexico so they gave her a spray tan so dark it's a little offensive. 

This poor bride was the most visibly unhappy with her Swanking. At one point, she said that she liked her red hair and "might keep it." Not a glowing endorsement. This woman is going to ruin her hair with another layer of dye right before her wedding. She's walking down the aisle looking like she fished around in an electrical socket with a fork thanks to this cruel Swankin'. 

Most of the Get Swank'd victim pool did seem genuinely excited by their makeovers. Even this poor bride didn't look in the mirror and say, "I am head to toe orange. My God. You've made me into the great pumpkin Charlie Brown." However, her new look was revealed to her in front of a group of her friends and family, and she probably didn't want them to see her cry or admit that she let two women who think leopard print is a neutral color tell her exactly how she should look. 

I'm sorry if I spooked you with the article. I think it's important to remind you that Get Swank'd was canceled in 2015 after only one season. It can't hurt you. There's no truck roaming around gyms, craft stores, and libraries looking for ugly women they can pull off the street, spray tan, and dress like the female version of a pickup artist. Women can sleep soundly tonight. There are no other things for you to worry about! 

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Supernaught, who kept trying to figure out how Hillary Swank was involved in this whole thing.

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