1900HOTDOG

Nerding Day: Pastor Jay Begins! To Drink!

Added 2024-09-17 12:00:08 +0000 UTC

No thanks, I’m cutting back. I don’t need fundamentalist superheroes to have a good time.

Not that I’m addicted to Armor of God Force. I enjoy Creationist Megazords in moderation, at parties or work events. And you have to watch Purity Rangers on the holidays, even if your family gets confused or too into it. And the Teetotal Titans are a better first date than staring into coffee. I’m a social lunatic.

Really, I’m just holding this malware for a friend.

Ignore Class_room questions. They’re probably not that funny.

Just one episode.

Fine. Just three episodes.

A curveball! Four episodes.

My hobbies at eight were Jesus, homework, and superheroes. That’s all we had in the house, and I smuggled in the heroes. Last month, I praised Armor of God Force for uniting Jesus and Sentai, and absolutely nothing else. But I should have given it two compliments: they squeezed in homework.

Remember that episode about dropping your heathen fork? Of course not, it’s been two months of dense history. I barely remember my own name. Episode eight encouraged eating orders, and it came with a worksheet. And probably ransomware, but that’s the university library’s problem.

You might be used to quizzes with instructions. The game here is “Name That Verse.” There’s no answer key, save faith.

That feels accurate, which is all you really need. It’s a long book and something in there fits your stance. Let seminary students find it later. Or nothing! Your audience is larger, louder, and votes.

Unlike the results, Armor of God Force’s goal makes sense to me. Sentai’s like comedy: any philosophy can fit, wingnuts just skip the effort and medication. There’s a version of this that sanctifies a generation. Yet the creator remains a mystery.

A publicly searchable mystery. Chris remains proud of this, and an afternoon drive away from punishing any insults. Don’t worry: modern CEOs are wallpaper. If I disappear, it was Columbia.

It could easily be one of the others. But Chris wants credit, and I won’t take that lifeline from him. Life’s not Going Well if you snipe credit for Armor of God Force. For now, the Red Fuckup is our canonical creative spark. Points for not ego-casting himself as Smart or Girl.

Before crusading, let’s make sure we’re protected. The Armor of God Force Season One Terms of Use sound useful.

Look at that improv legalese—it’s like a recorder concert’s FBI warning. Trampling this innocence should sting, but the sin’s reached my bones. I’m closer to the Oval Office than heaven.

Still, we’re close enough to a church. There’s not quite enough fear, but no flock’s perfect.

While business cults emphasize first impressions, Armor of God Force avoids burnout. The premiere has less action, less effort, less pixels, and a dumber target. The series demands to be loved as it is, from the first misspelled text. And rants against texting.

Behold: the Unseen Realm, Fortress ov Hel:

Yup. Stock art, before automated plagiarism. Consider putting hell out of its misery. Satan’s a week away from selling those Spirit Halloween lights for food.

We open on The Devil in his workplace power armor. You can call him “Synastor” like the script, but I give every show a chance. The Devil, ardent social critic, mocks our screen addictions. While watching us on a screen, and shitposting. I thought the theme of the episode would be hypocrisy, thanks to my single digit IQ. Yet we’re taking on cell phones.

I’m guessing that’s the devil’s ex. He quips over a montage of phone/controller/modern civilization junkies. The best is a woman walking into a glass door. Not exactly fresh, but there's a default comic value to humans walking into anything. The others don’t deserve summary or screen capture.

Lucifer’s material is stale. Eons with sycophants and Spotify staff have murdered his ear. A comeback’s possible, but the Rapture’s been on hiatus longer than Vagabond.

Again, I get the goal and sit mystified by the outcome. Anyone can bunt this setup: Satan loves bad things and hates good things. Social Satire 101. You can get cute and give him a world-weary attitude, though that approach is deader than whatever disco replaced. And disrespects Satan’s numbers. The Morningstar killed the arctic and reinvigorated pop country in one year. Recognize game.

Armor of God Force takes a third path: none. Satan’s angle switches every other line, which makes him look less menacing or goofy, and more confused. I’m not sure he can run a car, let alone hell. It’s not a terrible move to send hell’s oldest dork instead: Clock King.

He’s really Timewaster, which isn’t worth the neurons. Save them for his invention: the DumbPhone.

The Dumbphone.

The DumbPhone.

It makes you dumb.

For a moment, between the 250-button Nokia miracles and Apple’s first portable money printer, that gag could live. Not easily: there would be tears. Physical therapy. Donations from the local church, unless they got bilked into funding Bible Rangers Turbo. But the joke would slowly, surely learn to live outside its iron lung.

Armor of God Force trailers came out around 2019. The viral Rapture was on its way when Chris rose to face…the Dumbphone.

Christian satire isn’t worse than Christian Science, but it’s close. Still, Clock King’s a geriatric salesman, and this is episode one. A perfect chance to establish our heroes.

That’s not how Armor of God Force rolls. The show is a miracle. The team sucks. Their fight record sits between Glass Joe and Korra. Chris had a better chance of winning a Nobel in evolutionary biology.

After losing teeth to a steampunk prop comic, Chris gets addicted to his phone. I’m not sure what kids should watch this on. Though it’s been pulled from YouTube, so the final answer’s “nothing.” More children will see the Singularity.

They’re not fond of modernity.

In comedy, a bitter, reactionary soul is fine. Dionysus cares not from whence mirth flows, only that it flows. Just bring punchlines younger than their medium. Chris is reusing stones thrown at Soulja Boy. Do this set in a retirement home, and they’ll tell you to get out of their shot.

Chris gets better, thanks to the condescension of Pastor Jay. Including a stab at meta-humor: Armor of God Force had a failed kickstarter. I’ve never been more disappointed in nerds or Christians, and I’ve read sci-fi by Phyllis Schafley’s grandchild (undergrad, Princeton is a strange place). Imagine this trainwreck with money. Two rangers could fail the same fight, instead of stuffing one in the monster suit.

Get used to that sequence. The team’s fights have one ending: they remember the Shield of Faith, reflect the enemy’s superior technique, and limp home. Our main lesson is “press block.”

Homework time!

Easy.

“The days are evil” is a standout quote. I wonder how idolizing it led to the DumbPhone. A little style should rub off.

There’s a middle point between Pastor Joy insulting his peers and failing them. We’ll never see it. The Blue Crusader’s gears are hectoring and shame. Anything else is a hallucination from Earth’s most powerful hallucinogen: Owlkohol.

I love life so much.

Jay’s less into it: keeping the church alive stresses him out. Fair enough. His minichurch looks like this:

Kickstarter left us a duller, greyer world. Good thing it’s perfect, or I’d complain. In this comedy paradise, Jay’s flock has some problems:

The Robot Devil takes notice, and concocts an almost-plan to fuck with Jay. I’ve come to enjoy his permanent vacation slouch. An immortal with an infinite host of demons isn’t in a rush. Why not punt excess staff against humanity for a few thousand years? Signs point toward predestination anyway.

Define success. If I laugh at a joke, does intent matter? From here, a moral tract throwing in a zany addict is a choke-laughter moment, and the dump takes it home. My soul glows. The weight of day-to-day life melts. Isn’t that the goal? What secular, adult media matches this heartless gold?

Consider the first temptation of Jay.

Save your judgment. The daemon has a powerful argument:

Our hero caves immediately, and morphs into a Stark-level drunk without the usual beating. Admirable. If you need more than one binge to get hooked, you’re half-assing it. Pastor Jay applies his verve for fossil denial to kegtwists, until he sinks to Adobe’s darkest filters.

I know Chris has at least seen someone drink Satan’s poison. The creative choices don’t scream “Straight Edge.” Yet we have the same blurry drinking pioneered by funhouse mirrors. Does anyone’s brownout look like this? It’s sad to lag behind Saved By The Bell PSAs in content.

Then there’s his support system. For the first time, Pastor Jay gets his share of condescension.

In isolation (or in order), it’d be galling. After five episodes of Jay telling everyone else to stop reading and start starving, I’m in. Jessica’s actress isn’t, but she wasn’t paid enough for emotions. Fair play. And her performance hurts less than the Kickstarter joke.

We could’ve had the world.

Or at least landed the Drunken Master tribute. Thurston Owl goes out like Clock King, Twinrova, and whoever’s next. I can see the grail Armor of God Force reaches for. Watching it melt hurts. If conversion campers have to sit through this, we can at least keep the flailing in focus.

There’s a little tension buzzing behind Owlkohol. Someone, somewhere within Armor of God Force cares about this message. They want to say something. They’re two grand and a different idea short of getting there.

Ah well.

I suppose most active viewing questions go out before the viewing. Seems odd, but we can try it.

Girl episode! We get to learn more about Jessica’s innate sin. But she’s not our only comeback.

At least, that’s how I remember it. Let’s check that against reality:

Yup. Clock King’s found love, thanks to the dumbphone. Don’t worry: there’s a fresh angle. Instead of insulting everyone, it’s focused on digital harlots. They haunt dating apps, ignoring the devout actor-stuntman-screenwriter triple threats around them. And social media, ignoring poetry from amateur bible scholars. And Hourglass is their queen.

Sure, kids might have trouble understanding, relating to, or giving a fuck about Bumble woes. But you’re never too young to start resenting. While the damned settle down, the force parties hard:

Looks like fun. At least, that’s how I sit and stare when I’m having fun. Or shooting a literacy-themed skin flick. I don’t know why they’re always in this formation. Maybe Jessica’s watching the door, Dune style. She’s certainly not watching Jay. Does their armor only work in alphabetical order?

Then Hourglass strikes, spreading self-esteem throughout the Midwest. Think Timewaster with a better mask and worse voice. While Timewaster spews low-effort trash, Hourglass prefers high-effort garbage. Like recycling the Instaspam gag with a mock infomercial. Note: this is not my fake ad. If I produced this, I’d pull a Van Gogh with my thumbs instead of my ear.

More power to her. When your peers have more material, grinding Photoshop is simple survival.

Only Purple can stop Hourglass, because girl. To her credit, Jessica enters the duel locked in. She’s ready to end the force’s hideous losing streak, one concussed streamer at a time.

An admirable dream. Mark another win for the dumbphone. We are the prey and they are the hunters. As our sixth brainwashing victim in sixth episodes, Jessica embraces the horrors of fame and solvency. A grim reminder of how far we can fall:

Hot tip: if you want someone to sandbag twelve episodes with virtuoso non-acting, label her “moderately attractive woman.”

Stock gaming jokes often sound like the writer’s never seen a controller. The gaming episode (spoilers) dodges that problem. In return, I’m not sure Chris knows what Instagram is, or why people seek connection in a vast, confusing world. Or what newspapers are.

Still, Instaspam’s only the start of Hourglass’s plan.

It’s also the end of Hourglass’s plan. This show despises Zuckerberg, so we have a bit in common. That’s why I’ll give Jessica’s rematch with Hourglass a chance.

Sorry, skipped ahead.

First, Jessica gets a pep talk/the force’s weekly intervention. After battering his own 80 proof demons, Pastor Jay speaks with new empathy:

It doesn’t take. And why would it? Pastor Jay combines useless and judgy into a new, shittier trait. Chris’s helmet would be a bigger loss. While they’re all replaceable by a dog sleeping on the Shield of Faith, Jay’s an anti-cheerleader.

Despite the help, Jessica finds something stronger than friendship: shame. Neck pain and holy timidity unlock her armor’s secret technique: the same technique.

Good times.

They’re your friends man, you talk to them.

Purple episodes explore different levels of vanity. Last time, Jessica failed by ignoring her appearance. This round, she cared too much. I don’t know what that leaves, other than hiding your shameflesh from the world, got it, carry on.

We’re back in the Armor of God Force groove now. Sing along if you know the words.

Episodic gimmick.

Cardboard monster.

Karate, enunciated like SpongeBob.

Failure.

Addiction.

Denunciation of modernity.

Hold on.

Oh hell no. My ass. You can’t change the rules for your addiction. In this world cell phones emit 5g sin, alcohol is bougie crack, Instagram is a brothel, food is tasty crack, and textbooks force you to make crack. Nuance stays in the back. If your first selfie drags you to hell, touching a controller traps you in Blight Town.

I’m not done ranting. You can’t just ignore inconvenient data. It’ll drive you crazier than me, and I just wrote two thousand words about Armor of God Force. For the second time.