Teamworking Day: Project Nim Part 1

As we are pulled screaming through the cosmos by the whimsy of fate, impossible destinies collide. Such a collision has happened here, hotdoggers! Unlikely partners Dennard and Sissyneck have somehow found themselves sharing apes! Enjoy part 1 of this unexpected Teamworking Day.

Sissyneck: Well I cant believe it myself but the Hot Dog ape week came and went without me. It’s pretty much just like the time when I had some latrine struggles at scout camp and just missed the Little Lemhi Canoe Trip, except this time instead of my scout leader pretending not to hear me yelling and crying on the dock, it's monkeys. But dont worry, a ape is not contained by the puny patreon stretch-goals of man, more light-hearted simian capers are here before us now!

Sissyneck: And that’s not the end of our good fortunes: it is my blessing today to share your screen with a very special Hot Doganista…please give a warm Tumwater welcome to New York’s Finest: Mr. Dennard Dayle! (all clap)

Dennard: God fucking damn nothing, because I’m happy to be here. I see you’ve started without reading my email. Or texts! Good stuff. And look at all this dilapidated culture! I love a town that smells how it looks.

Sissyneck: Oh sorry I dident get your messages my phone got wet again. So I watched this true story movie about a certain chimpanzee named Nim and the film depictioned some things we all agree are good and deservin of reverence like the field of psychology and Dr. Scientists and also our shinin-on-a-hill tershiary educational institutments like Columbia University. But the movie sorta made them seem real flawed and full of shit which I knew that coudent be right! So of course I thought of you as a “eye on the ground” who could give us the Columbia response.

Dennard: We’re shutting this down. Kidding! I’m a normal, uncompromised clown. At Columbia, we’d love this story to spread again. Monkey sign language? What a torture-free hoot! And a fun change of pace for a slow year. Let’s laugh together. I’m glad to collaborate. In fact, I insist. I’m not leaving.

Dennard: The best part of your interloping? You love simplicity and clarity. Just like me! To maximize this incident’s witnesses, I’m here to add extra simplicity and clarity.

Sissyneck: Yes you have read me acurally. And that does remind me Dennard you once wrote: “If you’re good enough, no one has to know what you’re talking about more than half the time,” which: that’s sweet of you to say, but i think what the good people here gearing up to read this one are probly wonderin is: on a team-workin day like this, is that 50 percentage gonna be multiplicative or additioned?

Dennard: I’ll let history judge. If you question everything before you do it, you’ll never finish anything worth condemning. That’s the philosophy dividing proper zip codes from wherever we are. Don’t explain, it’s not important. Just don’t ask me anything about Bogota.

Sissyneck: Haha alright now Dennard I know your teasin’ even though your making that kinda empty face at me. Now I may be a simple hardworkin Tumwater boy with more faith than schoolin, but even I know that your Columbia is different than the country. But my understandin is that you do have coffee at your Columbia as well?

Dennard: That’s prole for Adderall, right? I’ve got you. Let’s make a deal. We forget all this monkey torture, and tell the world about Virgin Extinction Island. Keep the madness nice and fictional.

Sissyneck: Well I dont know ‘bout any islands, around here most of the virgin extinction happens in Silverados. An’ also we dont hear about your “ivy league’’ a whole lot in this locale. If someone said it it to me growin up I probly woulda thought maybe it meant the red sox? but now as a adult i understand it better: its where the people that are best at school go and so that means its just real full of smart and wise people who have spent there whole lives thinking about how to do science and life with the most selflessness and integrity to help us make our star trek human potential come true in our own lives! So thank you for your service.

Dennard: In my shallow youth, I’d disagree. I’d rant about cults, consultant farms, and deans jelqing into money. But after two hours of growth, I understand keeping the best apart. And that I’ve signed a lot of forms. Why wouldn’t I love the legal owners of my home, IP, and aorta? If I sound tense or start crying, that’s just Lion pride. And Tiger pride. Liger pride? You’re welcome.

Sissyneck: Whoa that IS a great honor to me and my regional, thank you! (Everybody at home please picture me bowin real deep as i say:) I would like to recipercate this cultural exchange, do you know does Colombia offer any online microcredentialist programs, like for example in Harry Seldon’s psychohistory?

Dennard: They do now! Listen. The Council can grant anything, if you play along. Am I getting through? You can have a PhD in Asimov Novel Fonts. Or a six-figure fellowship in Heinlein Apology. You can run the Philip K. Dick department, with research funding, and spend it all on Philip K. Dick’s drugs. I’m winking. Do you see me winking? I’m using all the simplicity and clarity I can.

Sissyneck: Oh I see you winkin’ alright and I’m laughin knowinly and winkin right back and I understand why we’re winkin is because you said Dick’s Drugs haha! Which, that’s just good ‘literation. So Dennard like you have been alludin to: were here today to talk about a specific part of Columbian history, which is when a psychologist named Herb who worked there had a dream of: Talk To The Animals. So he got himself a chimpanzee, he named him Nim Chimpsky, and started to teach him sign language! Then Herb and some other people made books about it and a documentary movie what we have both watched and enjoyed and are here to share with the hotdog readers today:

Dennard: I’m quite proud of this incident and the results, and look forward to learning what they were. Let’s review the intro while I skim my orders. Nim was born into privilege:

Dennard: A whole compound! Most humans settle for used beds surrounded by useless family. And we’re stuck with them our whole lives, while Nim gets an upgrade. I’d trade my entire family for an uptown loft. And will, if this goes well. You wouldn’t insult their sacrifice, would you? Let’s respect Nim’s roots.

Sissyneck: I would never besmerch the Dayles! Not even if it included a parking spot! Now I know Nim’s birthing compound might not look super cozy, but at least he was there in the stable company and comfort of his monkey mama, Carolyn.

Dennard: I’ve never met a credible witness named Carolyn. A monkey scientist says she knew they’d take Nim, like her first four babies. But what do monkey scientists know? They mess with monkeys all day. I prefer trusting monkey scientists, like Prof. Herb Terrace, who let teenage alcoholics mess with monkeys all day. Besides, the chimp farm used soft monkey transfer techniques.

Sissyneck: Yes correct the documentary showed us that when they tranqed Carolyn to take away Nim forever, they did it with a lot of compassion. Like the doctor after he shot her said: hurry catch her before she crushes him.

Dennard: See? One monkey, one dart. A cruel baby thief would dump the clip. If this standard monkeyjacking were depressing, and went somewhere worse, I’d compare Project Nim to an onion made of flash-frozen shit. But it isn’t, and it won’t. This is a normal onion of mentorship and baby borrowing. Back to your questions, unless they’re about baby borrowing.

Sissyneck: ok let me write that down first: normal…onion…not…flash-frozen shit… … … onion. Alright next question: maybe you can explain a higher education confusion for me: what about Terrace’s leadership pattern of selecting research assistants which it seems like they have something in common:

Dennard: Elite ability? Fresh perspectives? Hip new slang? I agree. But out of context, it looks odd. You see, Prof. Terrace cares a lot about young students. That’s why he still taught undergrad seminars in 2020. When other educators fled duty, he stayed very, very close.

Dennard: Besides, he wanted to raise Nim like a human. Most families include eightish coeds, who rotate whenever things get tense or legalistic. My father lived the same way, including the haircut. So questioning Terrace is like questioning my family. You don’t hate my family, do you?

Sissyneck: Oh I see whats happening, youre gettin us mixed up with Idaho, we get that alot. But honestly? Its mostly just the panhandle. Anyway Ok, so i hear you saying that: even though the uneducated might think its weird that his whole staff is like a parade of young 70s female beauty, its fine because college is a place where everyone who is adults can just have simple sexual relationships with each other and no body ever has to worry about power differentials or gettin used!

Dennard: It’s magical. And today, just in case, we have mandatory two-hour Powerpoints on sexual ethics. With flash game quizzes. Their sheer length kills any mortal libido, shielding the innocent. I’m halfway through this one:

Dennard: Some people need a few tries.

Sissyneck: You cant trick me i know its all of the above. So Dr. Terrace wanted to learn about if a monkey could talk as a human and because he knew good science should be 1) free of contanimating factors 2) replicable and 3) ethicle, he tranked a mommy chimp, took her baby and gave it to a ex-student of his named Stephanie. He just knew she’d be great at monkey care because she was pretty and they had had sex for while. And Stephanie took her job seriously and knew it was important that Nim “be treated in every way like a human infant” which, as a mother of three, she understood meant giving him alcohol and marijuana and breast-feeding him.

Dennard: The thing is–

Dennard: Anyone can take your carefully recorded, globally published choices and–

Dennard: How do I stop this fucking thing? What is this, Windows 1812?

Dennard: We can skip this business about Stephanie breastfeeding the monkey. We’re a family/inclusive site. There’s no need to dwell on something lurid/beautiful and make it weird. Like breastfeeding a monkey. That could be disgusting/exploitative, like breast-feeding a monkey. Or dangerous/dangerous, like breastfeeding a monkey.

Sissyneck: yes i appreciate your eye for tone here, ok ok, lets keep it sunday-school friendly. For example, this is honestly fine for the time and place:

Dennard: Why wasn’t I briefed on loving this? Now I have to admire it live, without the eloquence it deserves. Love’s hard to describe, so there’s not much art about it. The few attempts live in this photo’s shadow. Prof. Terrace radiates parental love, and good parents let children search their chest hair for delicious bugs.

Sissyneck: Haha your not wrong, it’s like when I let Trayton smell my toe scrapins as a treat. Alright i hear what your sayin is: this is all real wholesome, so if this part from Terrace’s book seems weird to you, maybe thats a you-problem:

Dennard: See, a guilty charlatan would have burned this. Terrace, as a doting parent, chose to share his found family with the world. No matter whose life he ruined later, or on the way there. Kids come first. Even when they’re a confused, furious, and growing chimp.

Sissyneck: Exactly! You see the drama here, same as me. But theres something funny about these two books about Nim: one is by the scientist Dr. Terrace and one is by a outside observer who interviewed his former students and Im honestly pretty confused because they tell REAL DIFFERENT stories about what happened here.

Dennard: Hiring former students can be risky. Thankfully, Stephanie tended to every part of Nim’s being. Even if she got a little distracted by monkey playtime. Please react to these quotes from non-faculty, instead of this book.

Dennard: Stephanie’s baby liked the chimp too! Isn’t that cute? I’d have loved a friend that could Fastball Special me into Jersey.

Sissyneck: Aww that is real cute, it looks like the baby still has its original face and everything! But that stuff about oedipuss and monkey self-touch…Dennard i’m gettin confused about what college even is now. My understandin was that its a formal education which i took to mean different than I could just get on my own with just a internet access and my own passin interests in weird shit but right now I don’t see a whole lotta light between my learnin and Stephanies. Or maybe Im just bein old-fashion?

Dennard: You are, but I forgive you. You see, times change. Today, we avoid letting grad students grope animals while we grope undergrads. It’s a faux pas. But you can’t project progress into the past, or assume that the present’s perfect. Today’s mopey comic author might be tomorrow’s serial grad student. All we can do is learn.

Sissyneck: Hm hold on now I know this one…It’s double date! For doesent the bible say that if you pair up singly too soon that is just temptin temptation. Just look what happened to Reese Witherspoon on that rollercoaster!

Dennard: Sure, that tracks. My point: any confession sounds bad without context. Take “We were trying to teach this chimp sign language, and no one in the house was fluent in sign language.” It’s perfectly typical. In academia, we call this phenomenon a “fuckstorm.” During a fuckstorm, it’s best to close your email, go for a walk, and wait for someone to retire.

Sissyneck: Thats right and dont stand in open fields either. And yes thats a good point that nobody in the teach-a-monkey-sign-language experiment knew about sign-language or monkeys, but maybe you don’t need to, because it seemed like applyin gin and cannabis directly to the infant monkey brain worked pretty good all on its own! And definitely the breastfeedin helped. You see, Nim started usin his words and was buildin up a pretty good vocabulary for himself.

Dennard: No laughing. Before, chimps that shit their pants reeked in silence. Terrace gave them dignity. This is the Universal Declaration of Diarrhea Rights. Enjoy this monkey diaper change in proper, reverential silence. It’s the new moon landing.

Dennard: “Why give him pants to flood with shit?” You wouldn’t ask that about a human child. You’d say it deserves—no, needs pants. Even with an awkward pants-shitting phase. God, strawmen disgust me.

Sissyneck: Yes how dare that person you made up in your head be so insensative! I have a bunch of those up in my brain too and I also destroy em every time. But the Nim’s words part is excitin, i bet everyone involved thought they were maybe just a few weeks away from we could all be Mowgli! But then there was a trouble in paradise. Our first dark cloud on the horizon was Nim’s special fondness for cats.

Sissyneck: Now Dennard i’m mindful of what you said up there about don’t exploit, so even though it might look like Nim is little overly friendly with cats, you should know that it is just his pure good bud-feelins for kitties, Joyce tells us.

Dennard: W-well, i-if your human baby was wet-humping cats, you’d let them, right? And find them more cats? How could Nim learn human language without affluenza? This is basic empathy. I’m not segfaulting.

Dennard: The media strikes again. How many cat-on-chimp videos were there before cameras? I’ll wait. Unobserved, the captive chimp/confused feline relationship is chaste and beautiful. Cameras sexualize it, just like stepmothers, driers, and fox costumes. When you turn the world into a porn set, can you blame a chimp for partaking?

Sissyneck: I just gotta pause here and take a moment to admire the bravery of what some folks will write usin there real name. Uncommon valor, indeed.

So it seemed like maybe a lil bit of a problem that Nim was havin a sexual development that nobody could have seen comin, but then there were also a few other lil hiccups in the research program:

Dennard: Science aims high. Sometimes, you’re the dog in the rocket. Sometimes, you’re the monkey in the rocket. Sometimes you’re human, and the rocket explodes or fizzles in orbit. Either way, you’re part of something bigger. And we’re proud of you.

Dennard: One second, I’m texting high command. I thought I was playing publicist, not defense attorney. My signal strength here seems to be a frowning smiley face, is that normal? You know, like chimp attacks? God gave you an extra face for a reason.

Sissyneck: That is a good point, I bet Renee there would have found solace in your comfortin words, but she seemed pretty upset about her face gettin bit through and her nerves damaged. So Terrace was also so perturbed by this completely unexpected and impossible-to-predict occurrence…

Sissyneck: …that he did the scientistically responsible option and said: “This sucks this is too hard never mind, call the whole thing off. Nim, sorry bud but were convertin your position to regular research monkey. But at least now you have the use of symbolic language to articulate and do meaning-making about any sufferin you might experience! Isn’t that nice, maybe instead of just feelin microplastics tumor pain or whatever only in the moment, you can now also remember the ‘bandonments and betrayals what got you here and also consider that the future might hold even more!”

Dennard: You look like you’re waiting for a response. Is there a reason? Nim’s like any of us: a tool applied and discarded by necessity/convenience/accident so that our kings can build a better world where we may or may not be allowed to tongue-bathe the bathroom floors spotless until white mold grants our final vacation day. Thank you, Dr. Terrace. Now I know anything is possible.

Dennard: Terrace saw kindred spirits in Nim’s new home. They both knew that sometimes to achieve nothing, you have to break a few chimps. And Nim’s new home had an aspiring Mr. Rogers. Or a successful Tarkin.

Sissyneck: So that guy looks a liiiiiitle um german doctor-y i have to say but, yes, that is a cozy sweater, so maybe LEMSIP is a acronym for just a good and safe and comfortable old-folks home for monkeys? Lilac Elms Monkey Spa Indoor Piscina? That’s what it is, right Dennard? Right?

Dennard: Of course. It’s like I always say: everything improves from here.

TO BE CONTINUED (tomorrow)…

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