Fucking Day: Sexercises

"Sex is a great form of exercise," you might say if you were a weirdo talking to a stranger on a treadmill. But would you be prepared if they replied, "you make a great point," and slapped off their underpants? Is there some kind of sex fitness system you can train in? A fucking program that is technically exercise? Picture it. Are you inside a person doing squats? Are you facing opposite directions on a string of anal beads while a trusted friend readies a starter pistol? Really imagine what a book about fitness sex would look like.

Okay, let's see if you're right.

EXER-SEX is a 1978 book by fitness guru Bonnie Prudden with "100 fun-to-follow" illustrations. And I own enough '70s sex books to know this means: someone burned through 30 charcoal pencils drawing pubic hair. Get ready for some hunk bush, readers! Better not scroll down if you're at wor–

Okay, false alarm. It looks like Bonnie wants us to run a couple dozen tests to make sure we're ready for human sex. Including one for CF or "Crotch Flexibility" which sounds extremely important. This is good news because it implies we'll be doing cartwheels or recreating Bloodsport during sex, two things I've already trained for. But honestly, a lot of the information in the first several chapters is more basic than I was expecting. I figured a book about partner aerobics fucking would assume it wasn't our first try at any of those things. Here's a good example: you know how after you run, which is a type of quick walking, you breathe harder than usual? Sorry if I'm going too fast. I'll let Bonnie explain it.

See, your body uses oxygen, which is a type of air, to… let me start over. You know when you run out of money on a road trip and you hitchhike to a bank to ask your brother to wire you money? Breathing is like that, and I hope it helped, because Bonnie smears the liquid remains of that analogy across another full page. The point I'm making is I opened this book expecting two nude, unkempt hippies trading bed bugs and I'm getting "breathing" explained to me.

The first "fun-to-follow illustration" doesn't even appear until page 48 and it is objectively the opposite of fitness and sex:

Look, I get it was too much to expect a man wearing his wife on his dick and doing jumping jacks, but this is tragic. This is a nerd in gold-panning underwear checking the fat content of his love handles next to a wall of text about fibrositis. I'm not saying it's 0/10 sexy, but it's definitely not EXER-SEX.

And now he's measuring his bust. Badly, according to the directions. You missed your nipples by like 14 nipples, buddy! This is the least sexy sex book I've ever seen. Even here, where he's staring right at tits you can tell he's saying, "Am I doing it ri– h-how did you do yours?" This is a couple starting work on their Anime Expo costumes, not about to fuck.

Here's a great workout routine– giggle and bash your knees into each other. Thanks, Bonnie, but I know how to fuck in a men's room. People sexercise harder than this when they run into platonic friends at the beach. We are two thirds into the book, my partner and I should be able to travel in four different directions in a standing sixty-nine by now. What's next, just laying next to each other in fucking swimsuits and doing situps?

God damn it, Bonnie.

So we get all dressed up like Mormons getting a Pap smear and jog at each other? Maybe I'm a fuck genius, but wouldn't it be hotter and a better workout if one of you got low and carefully timed mouth stuff between dodges? I know Bonnie wouldn't put it like that. She'd probably say, "Slip, cunnilingus, slip! As you do this, the strain and clogged airways may work up an oxygen debt, which is difficult to explain. Think of it like being on a cruise and dropping your purse into the ocean. A drug rep from Wichita says he'll take care of your meals until you disembark, but you can tell he expects something in return– your son. Luckily, the gift shop allows you to return the souvenirs you already bought for store credit and they have a good variety of snacks. Sex jogging oxygen debt is a lot like the moment you considered giving him your son."

We are nearing the end of the sexual exercises, and the closest we have come to fucking is Pelvic Tilt–Standing. It's where you stand several feet from each other and hump nothing. "Think of it like a canoe spanking," Bonnie explains, almost word-for-word. This is barely an exercise, and a mockery of sex. This is how two very thorough fart terrorists would fill an elevator with their scent. This is an all whites twerking class at a senior center. And it is the ultimate move incorporating everything we know about erotic fitness. It's disappointing, but maybe the cooldown won't be completely insane?

God damn it, Bonnie.

So now that you've had a relaxing and meditative shoulder dislocation with your partner and tangle of restraints, let's learn more about sexuality and how every single element applies to it. And when I say elements, I mean like chlorine, magnesium, manganese… there is no part of any banana or swimming pool Bonnie does not cover. My dream of a fuck exercise book was already shattered by these chaste and overexplained calisthenics between shapeless prudes. Imagine my disappointment when I saw 30 pages of sexual fluorine facts. And then imagine my disappointment when I saw the sexual fluorine facts had nothing to do with sex. It's seriously so fucking weird:

Look at this madness. What the hell type of one-of-a-kind sex fetish do you need to have to write, "buckwheat is a good source of silicon which joins other minerals to build tooth enamel," and then call it "Silicon and Sexuality"? Bonnie added the word "sexuality" twelve hundred times to a grade school play about vitamins. It is not what I wanted. This is a grotesque and deranged tome of flabby anti-sex. Luckily, we can try again. Next to EXER-SEX on my bookshelf is something called…

Hell yes. Sexercise was published in 1979, one year after EXER-SEX, by sensuality author, Jack Hofer. It seems to be exactly what I was looking for. Check out this book jacket:

Exercising and making love at the same time? Sign me up. Less than twelve minutes a day!? Even better. That doesn't sound long enough to get all of that done, but this was before men had abs and women had orgasms. I can't wait to get started.

God damn it, Jack. This is the nude version of nothing. If I wanted to watch the back of a man's balls while he did shoulder rolls I already have The Marky Mark Workout in the VCR.

This is kind of surprising. The guy who is done with his workout and his sex in under twelve minutes thinks nodding at your dick is fitness. He calls this Sexercise move the "Super Nod," which seems like a really generous description of looking down at a floppy dong. I feel like we need to be moving faster than this. I know this sexercise is great for our front neck tendons, but how many of the 12 minutes do we spend lamenting the death of our boner?

I have no notes on this. Swinging your dick around and calling it The Peppermint Twist is wonderful– better foreplay than anyone deserves.

Another great sexercise is Tight Cheeks, which is an erotic type of butt clenching. This book is starting to grow on me. I like how Jack doesn't get too technical with the myology jargon when he explains these buttock squeezings benefit the "muscles that support the buttocks." At the risk of explaining it too well, this is something Scott Bakula would say if he had just quantum leaped into a buttocks lecturer. It's stupid, almost impossibly so, and yet it'd be weird if it wasn't. I mean, can you imagine how jarring it would be if someone drew a nude person making a fist with their asshole and then you wrote some brilliant copy next to it? Again, I'm just describing The Marky Mark Workout. But here, in this context, "• Benefits: Muscles that support the buttocks." is perfect.

Hold on, did we get to it? Is this a Sexercise? Because this is the most basic kind of ordinary sex next to vague fitness guesses. If this is "sex plus exercise" what the goddamn fuck would just "sex" be? The only way to fuck gentler than this would be if two butterflies died in a rowboat. And did Jack write "arm fatigue" as the man's disadvantage here? This is not letting yourself suffocate face-first on the floor, not an arm workout. If you count twelve minutes of this (minus penis-gazing and butt-clenching time) as a workout, your heart is going to give out on you the next time you open a mayonnaise jar.

I don't think the 1979 sex exercise scene was a great time to be a woman. This is a published sex book author and the wildest pleasure he imagined a woman could receive from this position is "Possible to do when you're fat. May also hurt." For the guy, he came up with all kinds of great stuff. It works the pelvis muscles, which benefit all the muscles that support the pelvis. Plus, it's fantastic for the penis friction and the penis penetration. Furthermore, the only disadvantages are "[large empty space]".

Sexercise includes every variation of "man on top" from "Basic Missionary" to "Missionary With the Woman's Legs Six Degrees Higher" to "Missionary With the Woman's Legs Mostly in the Same Spot." Those are my names, not Jack's. He didn't name any of them, which is strange since he was the guy who came up with Super Nod for frowning at your dick. The point is, this is not the Kama Sutra. These are not specialized sex moves for adventurous yoga students. These are positions Amish couples discover on their wedding night, except a full idiot has added an obvious list of muscles you'd obviously use. I've also already spotted a troubling pattern of how every position's advantages are "super fun on your penis" for MAN and "causes pregnancy, sometimes tolerable" for WOMAN.

For MAN, this unnamed variation of "man on top" benefits every muscle group other than the neck and feet. For WOMAN, it hurts and makes you pregnant. Is this book a confession by the world's shittiest lover? This seems like something a judge forced a husband to write after ten years of failing to make her honor cum.

Ladies, I don't want this to sound too sexy, but this position makes your legs tired and your uterus pregnant. It also claims to work the exact same muscle groups as every other sex position because it was written by a flimsy, moronic pre-ejaculator.

Is this one a typo? Ha ha did Jack mean to include "low penetration" in the WOMAN Advantages?

This is another type of sex that's great for penises and pregnancy, but what does Jack mean by "Needs lots of space"? How small is his apartment? Were all the other positions drawn from his car? This requires the exact same amount of space as any lovemaking. Shaqulle O'Neil and I could make this work on a twin mattress, and we did for an Icy Hot commerc–. wait, forget my stupid nonsense. Look! There it is again in the list of Advantages for WOMAN: "Low penetration." He really does think "less dick" is what a woman is looking for from her sex partner. Is… is Jack terrible at sex because his penis is painfully large? Because that's exactly what Shaq went off script to tell me during an Icy Hot commercial! It's why it never aired!

Does this count as a sex position? This is just two snappy dressers who can't waltz. This is just how I box out for a rebound in an Icy Hot commercial. You know what? I refuse to accept this. This book did not come anywhere close to combining sex and exercise. This was a man who can't fuck complaining about sore arms after he stuffed the top half of his monster dong into a fertile but unhappy woman. Back to the bookshelf, we're trying again!

Because there are only so many ideas horny dumbasses can have, in between Sexercise and another book called Sexercise, I found a book called SEXERCISE FOR LIFE, only the X is spelled with two people fucking. It was self-published by Neil Hlavaty and Joanne Sheridan in 2002. But before you get too excited, Neil and Joanne are not the hot naked people on the cover…

… Neil and Joanne are a loving couple who get their hair cut at the same bowling alley and want to teach you how to "have more quickies." They are not as good at writing as they are at picking sex position models, so their introduction gets off to a rocky start.

It only took two sentences before their explanation of sexercise turned into a book report on AIDS. So already we see the main difference between a 2002 sexercise book and a 1979 sexercise book. And the introduction never recovers. Let me skip past the AIDS stuff and get to the part where they encourage you to have passionate sex with, and I think I'm reading this correctly, your children and loved ones.

I'm not crazy am I? Shouldn't there be a page break between "our smokeshow models are going to show you all the ways you can fuck" and "your family deserves your best." I would have put those in different paragraphs. In fact, the space between those concepts would have been the perfect spot for a 1200 word AIDS essay.

Anyway, Neil and Joanne know you're going to have questions, probably about which muscle groups get worked by which type of missionary, and they are ready to answer them. Or they will be soon, for sure. Most likely for a reasonable fee, some of which, if all goes well, will go to charity. I'll let them explain:

Neil and Joanne casually float the idea for a 24-hour paid helpline to service the eleven people who bought this book. It's adorable. They are still stumbling through the explanation of this book, as horribly as anyone has ever done anything, and they're already daydreaming plans for its cinematic universe. And it gets more embarrassing. When I googled 1-900-SEXERCISES I got this very website because this isn't the first time I made fun of a book called Sexercises. The point is, this intro is so bad Neil and Joanne might as well have said, "Webster's dictionary defines s–

God damn it, Neil and Joanne.

I skipped chapters 1 through 8 because they were about the basics of human relationships like communication and oysters. Like a lot of self-help authors, Neil and Joanne have mistaken their common knowledge of ordinary things as "expertise" and for 40 pages they've been explaining all aspects of life as if we were in 8th grade. And you'll see that in their romance tips. "Fucking duh," is too gentle a reaction to Neil and Joanne's lifetime of accumulated wisdom. Their romance advice is Gregory Godekian. They are basic bitches after a factory reset.

I was trying to be insulting when I said Neil and Joanne were explaining things like we were in 8th grade, but candlelit, naked slow dancing to "Love of a Lifetime" by Firehouse? That's exactly, to the very last syllable, what I considered the peak of romance in 8th grade.

Can you imagine buying a book about acrobatic fuck positions to pork your way to fitness and it's twenty pages of two dorks giving advice like "eat ice cream" and "watch movie"? Because that's what happened to me! Many times! I have bought so many books called Sexercise!

For their ingenious tip on eating food off your partner, Neil and Joanne show a picture of their sex model not doing that along with a real window into their creative process. "Should we put the 'eat food' idea in the food section or the romance section? Because it's great, and 22 years from now our first reader will love it. Angel, did you type that? No, of course I didn't mean for you to type tha– are you putting this in the book too? No, you're a childlike comedy bit!"

They never credit her in the book, but it's absurd to think this woman's name isn't Busty Penetratovic. But seriously, reverse image search says her name is Rubia Milf Stepmom Stepmom, Thicc. No, you're a childlike comedy bit.

Neil and Joanne's romance tips walk a trail of tears spanning the graveyards of one thousand boners, but what's this? What the holy fucking shit is this? A sexercise lottery ticket!?

This is any lover's dream come true. You hand them a little piece of paper with impenetrably ridiculous text reading "SEXERCISE FOR LIFE LOVE LOTTO" followed by "Now, Sensual Arch, In Car." Who wouldn't rush outside to the car and arch their genitals up? What a pathetic idea, terribly executed by lunatics. Whether you're square enough to fuck someone handing you this or not, this is not a lotto. This is, at best, a sex coupon you gave to yourself. If I handed this to my wife she would put a kitchen knife in my dick and say, "I hope that's where you keep your dick, shape shifter."

Okay, I'm listening, book.

By all that is good in the world, I swear this meaningless avalanche of words is how Neil and Joanne explain "Kissing". They promised a "variety of ways" to kiss on the back cover, but that is nothing close to what they gave us. This is a madman describing both kinds of kissing, "French" and "long," and then pleading for schools, parents, and churches to teach children how to make out. I think? This seems to be the first time they've tried to put their mouth philosophy into words, so it's not very clear. It's the babbling of a dull mind obliterated by the task of writing something, anything about kissing. So let's go ahead and skip to the fun part of our sex workout: abortion and AIDS.

I mentioned this earlier, but Neil and Joanne are not very bright, know nothing about anything, and their intended readers know less than that. They don't just think this is the first sex you've had or exercise program you've done…

… they think this is your first book. At least Bonnie used metaphor when she explained the concept of breathing in her sexercise program.

I'm not a condescending asshole, so I'm going to assume you already know what breathing is. Which means we can move on to the dos and don'ts of sexy massages.

I got a little distracted with Neil and Joanne's advice to not let your massage immediately turn into a handjob, but "Start with the head. This will ease any tension in your partner's head" is world class massage writing. These two have thought of everything. Rubbing someone doesn't count as a full workout. Don't mash the balls. They even included a helpful illustration:

Oh, I get it now!

You're not going to believe this, but after almost ninety pages of C- high school essays, SEXERCISE FOR LIFE starts up with fully nude sex workouts. And these aren't drawings of some plain, unwaxed married couple making a baby. This is the hot porn couple doing raw, erotic nonsense. It rules.

This is it! This is exactly what my imagination promised me when I read the book jacket so many Sexercise books ago! Lorenzo Lamas and a horny Robert Crumb drawing of a woman doing naked, ass-to-ass toe touches! Yes!

"Put your foot in their asshole and throw elbow strikes– it's as true in lovemaking as it is in Shaq Fu." That was the line Shaquille O'Neil was supposed to say in our Icy Hot commercial.

Look at this awkward bullshit! I can't believe I finally found a Sexercise book where you do sex and exercise at the same time. This is so dumb. So incredibly, pointlessly idiotic. I'm so happy.

Ha ha I think they may have already run out of workout ideas.

Yeah, the ass-locked toe touches and the team teabagging were their only sexercise moves. The next twenty pages are nothing more than the hot people going to town on each other. I know it's a weird thing to complain about.

Crab walking while you have 160 pounds on your boner is a great workout, but every couple already invented this move the first time they finished more than an arm-length away from someone's shirt. Maybe the cooldown won't be completely insane?

God damn it, Neil and Joanne. Only you would feel the need to illustrate "nap with breathing." Hold on, we've done naked squats, boned across every surface of the house, and carried our partner around like a Masters of the Universe Battle Bones, why are there still 70 pages of book left?

…

I'm not sure how to explain this, but this sex exercise book includes a chapter on stress where they measure the severity of stress on a scale from "trouble at work" to "dead husband."

Behold, explorers: a new, unexplored field of dumbassery. Amateur stress management therapy in a sex book? This list includes "changes at work" three different times, ranging from 29% to 39% as stressful as the death of your partner. The list puts "large mortgage" as 1% more stressful than a foreclosure of that mortgage. "Marriage" is exactly half as stressful as one of the people in that marriage getting dismembered, and these numbers are precise. Neil and Joanne mean for you to add them up after six months to measure your stress and hope it's under 150 because… that would mean it's under 400? Which might be when things get dangerous? They explain it only enough to make it clear they don't know how stupid they are. Aside from taste in babes and hunks, they could not know less about anything, and adding numbers to their opinions only put their stupidity in mathematical terms. They are a 59 on the Level of Stupid Severity scale, which is 4 points below "head injury", 2 points above "injury on head", and 3 points above "Neil get big head conk, glb".

Since Neil and Joanne already showed you how to breathe, land on a decision about terminating a pregnancy, end AIDS across all communities, teach kissing to children, and do Peppermint Twists with a toe in your asshole, they decided they might as well help you with all your problems. Like your premature seizing vagina:

It's hard to picture the bravery of a woman whose vagina has been sealed by fear of God, but who also bought a book about putting a dick in you and doing squats. What's great about Neil and Joanne is they think copying vaginismus from the Encyclopedia is enough. They didn't research or offer any treatment solutions for this, but they do strongly recommend not having it. They have some very interesting ideas on how to solve premature ejaculation, though:

Is your lover ejaculating too quickly? No problem. Simply squeeze him by the hog with your strong, feminine han– hhnngggg! Hngk! T-this doesn't work! Neil, Joanne! You've got to warn them! Tell them squeezing the premature ejaculator on the penis doesn't work!!!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Neil Bailey, who can bring any partner to climax with his flying knee bash.

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