Fucking Day: Miracle Beach

Alright there I was, bored and weary one night with only infinite content at my disposal and I came across this one:

And I saw Dean Cameron was in it and I dont know who doesnt have fond memories of him in Summer School.

(For me thats a extra special one because its the first time me and my cousin Wade got to go to a big kid movie at the theater while my gramma took the littler kids to see Snow White and some of them were pretty mad.)

Anyway Miracle Beach its on amazon prime if you want to follow along with me, or you can buy that exact mattress one pictured above off of ebay for $40. I know it looks anocuous and maybe just dumb, but its a pretty strange movie, this is a article where I honestly have had to make even more painful sophies choices about what to leave behind than usual. Id never heard of the director before, his name is Skott Snider. I know, I know, I made a ew face when I saw that ‘k’ too. Lets take a look at what else hes done:

Hmm okay it seems like he has a certain specialty, but this movie is described as a Fantasy Romance Comedy, like one a 1992 family might watch together.

Yeah exactly! Surely there will be no schizm of style tone and story that might wrend my brain in twain before the rise of mornin sun.

The movie is ifficient in making its thesis immediately clear for all of the Filipino families watchin in the theater:

Yes, we have gathered here today for the entertainment purpose of: Babes. Not sex, and certainly not women. Babes. You probly know what I mean but just in case your not clear on the distinction, I refer you to the writings of my colleague on the male equivalence.

I imagine that with this amount of opening-credits-bikini maybe the philippines mom and dad were starting to look at each other in the dark of the theater over their kids’ heads with a little bit of “Uh-oh” feeling, but me on my couch watchin? I’m fine. Still just fine.

We meet our hero:

Hes pretty affable and we see him in his natural environment, greeting the babes of his beach neighborhood as he walks home:

Two things to note here: I understand that this was Scott with a C’s first screenplay and he wrote it with his brother, which: thats pretty fun to think of two sibs writin a fun Fantasy Romance Comedy script together and I bet they were pretty excited when they found out it was gonna be a real movie! A real, good movie.

The other thing is that, yes, I am also hard pressed to think of a worse haircut ever in the history of cinema. Thankfully, our hero (who is also named Scott isnt that interesting) also seems to know its bad and puts on kinda a mac demarco disguise for most of the movie:

Anyway next we have our part where we need to yank our hero out of his place of babes-everywhere comfort and we do the thing where he walks in on his girlfriend with another man and we get kinda our first record scratch of: wait what is this movie. Heres the thing, if we look at Skott’s filmography we can probably guess that he was like maybe the best in the world of photographin naked babes, just outstandin in his field and probly within that subculture people talked about him and his talents and career like the rest of us talk about Steve Young. So just because he was makin a family-suitable movie didnt mean Skott was gonna stop usin his number one god-born talent and apparently, they didnt ask him to, because his method for a lot of shots for this movie is: set it up like a playboy wet bikini picnic video centerfold shoot:

With all the kinda soft indirect lighting and artful shadow and attention to topography and such and then the lady also does her thing of performin Jerry Rice-level babeness (yes most of my sports references are about as timely as Miracle Beach’s) which, even if its not your thing, we can maybe agree that there is a high level of technical skill and experience here. Anyway: have a whole crew of people work for a while to get all that set up and then:

Just kinda throw in whatever schlub you need for the story. In this case that’s Scott’s boss.

So we keep going with the fem-hunks and chest-buns, I aint gonna keep doin this for every time or we’d be here all day but just so your with me on how Babes and Boobs centric the filming is its like this…

…with just a lil bit of movie thrown in at the edges. (You might recognize her thats monique gabrielle from that light-hearted tom hanks movie with the running gag about a woman having sex with a donkey.) After the breasts exit the stage, it takes a whole nother 15 seconds for Scotts boss to fire him for being mad about the cheating (?) AND his landlord to come in and say hes evicted so, damn, we are just motoring around this story circle.

Now I know, i know it aint that unusual, especially at this time in history, for a film to be pretty much all TNA with just a lil tiny bit of other stuff for cover, but usually its like a thriller or horror or maybe at least a raunchy Comedy Crust for our Softcore Pie but that’s not what this movie is, i honestly think it has more bared-breasts than swears and theres really no dirty jokes or sex talk in it. Here’s the very next sequence:

Its a weird kinda fantasy realm with santa and the easter bunny and cherubs. And then here comes our heroine with a very anime entrance indeed:

Hey, it’s that cute girl from that fun movie with Who’s the Boss! So i imagine those Philippines parents who were really getting nervous and thinking are we gonna hafta keep coverin the kids eyes or should we just leave now? are calming down a bit and thinking okay heres the family genie movie we were promised it was probably just the one boobs this is just another back to school or 18 again situation I don’t know why these hollywood types do that and make a perfectly good movie except for THAT ONE PART but I think we can relax now. Whereas me on the other hand is startin to blink and sit up a bit in puzzlement because I know what Skott’s game is, but this one seems like its trying to act like a normal movie? Like it really thinks it might be a romcom a cute 1992 couple in their girbauds and vuarnets might snuggle up and watch together? For the next while it seems like it is: we see that shes a genie and another character, a leprechaun (?) explains the rules of wish-granting to her and I assume theres something at stake but I forget what.

I got so confused I turned to the comfort of internet research and found a actual kinda documentary with a interview with Skott so I will ask him to join me in introducing our players:

On that one i had to lower the word balloon more than id like but i thought it was important you see the “Poontang’s” shirt Soup is wearing there. And yes, they are looking at each other and saying “BUSTED!” while babes attend, its that kinda movie.

I think its worth takin just a moment to look closer at Alexis’ situation here, as kinda a view of how folks were handling things like identity and transitionin during this slice of time. Alexis there gives honestly a pretty good, if broad, performance. If you watch her throughout you can see her thinkin about every moment and making choices and I think its interesting she’s playing a bud even though she was publicly gettin credited as Alexis at this point. She’s one of 5 Arquette sibling actors (Baldwins watch your backs) and her brother said she was “gender suspicious” and I kinda really like that term. I dont know why Im explaining this, we all remember her awspcious start as a performer when as a young child she rode that pony dominatrix woman-cart and got choked out while scanty-clothes women writhed in a cage in front of her

You know, the music video for that honestly pretty normal The Tubes song where a drummer with NO arms (eat shit Rick Allen) plays a kit with tits for kicks:

Anyway back to Miracle Beach: Jeanie arrives via lamp, she insists on calling Scott “Master” (sigh) and just starts GRANTIN’ and his first wish sends us back to Playboy Wet and Wild land immediately, this one is called Beach Bed Babes Vol. III:

Kinda oddly she also grants wishes from just whoever, even non-Scotts. Like, the buds wish for a whole bikini team and she gives them to them and we get more of these shots

Hahah they dont even bother to get Alexis in focus. That b plot plays out kinda strangely wholesome, the buds pretty quickly realize that sex, or at least just loungin with hotties in weird linimal spaces, isnt what they truly want from life and they immediately partner with the babes on a creative and fashion endeavor that appears to be successful and fulfillin for all of them!

I mean, relatively wholesome. I have to think that the Filipino family at this point has maybe kinda breast fatigue (same!) and have given up on tryin to cover eyes and have decided to make this a good family learnin experience about how the US is a real strange place.

Jeanie also grants her own wishes. Well kinda: she perhaps indirectly fulfills a certain pair of brother screenwriters unconscience wish by bein a cool girl drinkin miller lite and lovinly watching a Clippers game, hotly, of course. But she gets frustrated with Gary Grant’s lack of hustle and summons him to correct the situation…

…while he stares directly at me. “He knows!” I whisper to myself in the dark of night.

The plot continues I guess. Its one of those where the hero's journey is: he learns to say no to a beautiful woman he doesnt really know in order to bravely say yes to a different beautiful woman who he has genuineness and emotional intimacy with (see: Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf Too, Teen Wolf the show maybe Too, I never watched it). In this case, the brother writers do it probly the only way they knew how at the time: Scott encounters the goddess when he sees that Jeanie can outbabe Dana in a bikini contest for bods with boobs:

Are you ready?

I certainly was not. I mean some of those women arent tall but that is a normal size mic he is holdin there like its a chupa-chup. Babes notwithstandin, I pulled the blanket right up over my eyes until this Hawaiian Tropic Ogre was begone from my Roku.

So, almost happily ever after. But to see it all the way through, Jeanie pulls a final silly prank on Scott. He and the competitor babe go to bed. She mounts him, lustily breathes: “Finally!” and he does the little wiggle that is known across the world and yes, that includes the Philippines, to mean…

…“I’m in.”

At which point Jeanie giggles and magics it so that ACTUALLY he has penetrated:

MOM!

BEST BUD!

GRAMMA!!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO

But you know what tho? If I think about the contects here? Of a Babes Movie made by Playboy men and babes in 1992? That positions gay sex with a willin bud as: worse than with mom, but not as bad as with gramma? It was a degree of progress anyway and something maybe for the Mendozas and me to talk about over our after-movie ice cream in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Mike Stiles, who is named like the coolest guy on Sex Genie Beach.

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