Learning Day: PraiseMoves

One of the most important tenets of modern Christianity is spreading the word of Christ's teaching by whatever methods necessary, and for some people, the best way to spread that word is by having a great ass. How can you get an ass that witnesses for Christ simply by existing while avoiding the sins of yoga? You could, perhaps, try another form of exercise, but what? Crossfit, with all that grunting and sweating, seems pretty sexual. Jogging? Oh, so you're running away from Christ's love? Barre fitness, you mean like the barres they hung Christ from? Clearly, all exercise is satanic, so I guess we'll have to tweak yoga so that it works for The Lord.

Enter Dr. Laurette Willis, founder of PraiseMoves fitness ministry. There are quite a few Christian Yoga franchises, but Dr. Wills's is different in that it specifies that yoga is in no way yoga because of how satanic yoga is. PraiseMoves is a Christian alternative to yoga that is in NO WAY yoga, but also includes pretty much all of yoga while not being in any way yoga.

Basically, PraiseMoves is yoga for people who still want to be angry after they do yoga. The practice's website begins with a long rant about how terrible and prolific yoga is. This includes complaints about yoga being taught in schools and an argument that yoga is the "missionary arm of the Hindu religion."

If I offered a God my sweaty, poorly executed downward dog, they would smite me for sure, and I would deserve it. The fact that no God has ever smited me is proof that yoga moves are not offerings to Gods.

I love this yoga rant because of its 2000s Tumblr blog quality. It feels more like it was written by an angry fifteen-year-old girl than a woman with a PhD in Theology from Oral Roberts University. No, wait, this is exactly what I would expect from someone with a PhD from Oral Roberts University– minimal research and maximum emojis. I can't believe the fact that Shiva the Destroyer is the "Lord Of Yoga" only earned a frowny face and not a red-colored frowny face. If not all this destroying and yoga, what does Laurette reserve the red frowny face for?

So, now that we've established that yoga is, at its core, pure evil, let's do some yoga. Once again, the Christian Alternative to yoga subtracts exactly nothing from yoga, but it does add Jesus and a tiny smattering of interpretive dance. Several of Dr. Laurette's PraiseMoves demonstration videos, which she uploads semi-regularly to YouTube, look like they're guerilla recordings shot inside an Olive Garden.

A huge part of Laurette's yoga philosophy is that yoga allows you to focus too much on yourself instead of God. If you stop thinking about God for even a single moment, you'll probably do something crazy like relax. She advises her nearly seven thousand YouTube Subscribers to recite Bible verses as they move through yoga poses to make them think about Jesus. Sometimes she even sings the Bible verses, which makes this musical exercise much less effective. No one ever explains the shape of the pose or holds it for any length of time because they move along to the whims of a woman improvising songs from random Bible words. Essentially, PraiseMoves is yoga with more Jesus and less exercise. As someone who is violently opposed to exercise, I find that there are portions of PraiseMoves that appeal to me.

The other issue with Praise Moves is that the instructors have no personality at all. Fitness instructors are usually super energetic, charismatic people. However, the "fitness ministers" of Praise Moves have the vibe of someone being held against their will. I'm not just saying that because the rustic distressed brown walls of the Olive Garden background read as a captivity basement when the camera pulls in too close.

It seems like the only recruitment requirement for Praise Moves instructors are dead eyes and a healthy fear that Jesus is judging their posture at all times. It's very clear that they're not having fun doing this activity. That's not the point! Sometimes, the camera even pulls close to their face, so you can't tell what yoga pose they're doing, but you can see the inner turmoil they're struggling with as they attempt to do an extended triangle pose without accidentally doing yoga.

Teaching yoga without knowing yoga or doing yoga is a difficult task, but luckily, PraiseMoves trains and certifies instructors in the PraiseMoves system! I was wrong about the minimal requirements. The application notes you might not get accepted and asks instructors to provide their height, weight, marital status, pastor's phone number, and several essays. The essays include "Describe your faith and basis for your beliefs" and "What activities do you pursue that advance your personal growth." I put shredding and smoking blunts 4 the lord, and my application was somehow rejected? Lame.

The application also has a super serious denouncement of all that is yoga. If you want to teach both PraiseMoves and yoga, you have to tell on yourself and this box comes with the selection "yes I am willing to teach PraiseMoves and NOT yoga" already helpfully preselected for you. If you choose the option to possibly one day consider doing yoga in the future, Dr. Laurette Willis doesn't want you anywhere near her Christian consensual yoga dungeon.

When I was exploring the certification section of the PraiseMoves website, I noticed six additional certifications available in the PraiseMoves system. Becoming a PraiseMoves certified alternative to yoga instructor costs $125 the first year and $75 yearly thereafter. The other certifications can be bundled. If you want to get certified in all 7 PraiseMoves exercise classes, it will cost $1250. This at least partially explains the sadness in the eyes of every PraiseMoves instructor. Let's take a look at some of the other PraiseMoves classes you can get certified in if you have over a thousand dollars and are willing to tell Dr. Laurette Willis your blood type and the approximate location of all of your organs (especially the good ones).

I know what you're screaming at the computer right now. "HIPHOP2SCRIPTURE LYDIA, Lydia, Lydia look, it says HipHop2Scripture, why isn't this entire article that you FOOL?" Guys, I hate to break it to you, but if HipHop2Scripture does exist, Dr. Laurette has very wisely decided never to publicly post anything about it. Was I willing to go undercover as Count Hamish VonDunks and get certified in both PraiseMoves and HipHop2Scripture? Of course! That's the kind of journalism you pay for at 1900hotdog.com. Unfortunately, my application was rejected for mysterious reasons. Ok, it might be because the application asked me to include a photo of myself, and I sent this.

I was able to get my hands on some footage of PraiseKicks (Kickboxing with the Word), which was 99% regular kickboxing. This is a huge missed opportunity. An army of women training to kick the devil's ass should be radical. Unfortunately it's a lot harder to skip explaining how the moves should be performed in kickboxing so there's minimal space to insert Jesus.

Taking secular exercise systems and slapping the word Christian on them seems like an effective, low cost business model, but there are a few people on YouTube who are mad that PraiseMoves still uses the poses from yoga. One woman said that she tried a class, and someone else in it who had been "delivered from yoga" previously told her the moves were still yoga moves and, therefore, still satanic. Sadly, there are only so many shapes you can twist your body into, and it turns out a lot of those shapes are satanic.

What I have learned from this is if you sit the wrong way, the dark lord will hear your call. Satan is just waiting for you to stretch. Beware the dangers of exercise!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Zach and Eva, he's the praise; she's the moves.

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