Teamworking Day: Liddy and Schmidty's Napoleon, Parte Two

Alex: When we first talked about seeing this, you were frustrated with the Josephine casting and how it might play. You were 100% right. Freakin’ clairvoyant.

Lydia: So, Josephine's fertility issues were probably due to her age. She's in her late 30s/early 40s at this point in the movie. But since Vanessa Kirby (the actress playing Josephine) is fourteen years younger than Joaquin Phoenix, bringing that up would be awkward, and they have to dance around the age issue. They keep saying, "Josephine can't give you what you need, etc..." as if it's for mysterious reasons. The reason is that Hollywood wasn't going to cast a 55 year old woman in this movie to make the appropriate age differential as if it would be weird for a 55-year-old woman to play a 32-year-old. But a 49-year-old man playing a 26-year-old? That's great! Give him an Oscar!

Alex: Unfortunately there are no living actresses between the ages of 35 and 75.

Lydia: It's true. So sad. Not since The Actress Wars of 1966.

Alex: I would buy opening night and/or Tuesday afternoon tickets to "The Actress Wars Of 1966". So, more confusing scenes: Napoleon and Josephine get crowned as emperor/empress, in a coronation where they put one crown on top of another crown, on both their heads. (This is possibly realistic because monarchies are dumb.) They have another angry dinner with no animal impressions. Napoleon does say "Destiny has brought me this lambchop" while waving a lambchop on a big fork. Then Ridley Scott does a bunch of Gladiator stuff with the Battle of Austerlitz.

Lydia: Did Napoleon really cannon a river? I'm not familiar with that but I have to say that was the one battle that was genuinely cool looking.

Alex: Apparently the battle was a regular battle, and then afterward there was a legend of Napoleon tricking retreating troops into crossing a frozen lake that he could cannon. There’s debate about how many guys got killed by that, if it happened. Lake casualty estimates range from two thousand to a lot fewer, or zero. The movie acts like it was the entire battle. Serves up the countless Drowning Austrian Sequences the fans crave.

Lydia: I enjoyed the nervous energy that the emperor of Austria brought to their after-battle discussion. Like, "goddamn, I really got beat by the hat guy." Also, the Tsar of Russia doesn't make it to chat with Napoleon because he's in a "fit of rage." I was glad their ongoing feud got at least a nod because it's so important later but that doesn’t guarantee screen time in this movie. I’m surprised they didn’t cut it for more slapstick horse mutilation.

Alex: They do achieve the minimum beats for Napoleon versus Teen Czar (which in this movie is like two teens fighting (but if one teen got held back from graduating high school for 25 years)). The other jarring thing is that out of the 2 hour 38 minute run time, I feel like the movie suddenly turns kind of coherent for about 30 minutes, in this third quarter or so. Sensible battles, plenty of time for Napoleon and Josephine divorcing, pretty cogent invasion and retreat from Russia. Our boy does hat-crumples throughout.

Lydia: His second marriage is before that Russia sequence. With Marie Louise. Again a female character who gets completely glossed over with one line. His politicking to try and find a new wife was great, though; because it accurately portrayed how grossed out all of the nobles were by the idea of their relatives marrying the hat guy. “My sister marry the Emperor of France and King of Italy? Gross."

Alex: And yet, throughout divorcing his wife and marrying a teenager: hat. Hat remains. Hat strong! After the divorce there’s a scene where Napoleon sees Josephine for the first time in many years. His first move is to put his hat on her. It falls off. They almost chuckle about it? But there’s kind of no vibe or rhythm? In another hat scene, during the cogent invasion of Russia and serious capture of Moscow, there's a jarring comedy scene where Napoleon sits on the Tsar's throne in the abandoned palace, and pigeons poop all around him. I don't think pigeon poop hits the hat. How is that the one respectful hat scene?

Lydia: How! The hat is so wide. It feels made to catch bird poop specifically.

Alex: Each ticket to this movie should come with a novelty souvenir hat. Boxed with little action figure-style product descriptions for the “Guano Grooves!” and the “Crumple Compartment!”

Lydia: I'm back to thinking this is a drama that's doing a bad job because everyone sees the bird poop opportunity. You have to whiff that on purpose.

Alex: The whole movie tilts that “failed drama” direction. There'll be several consecutive scenes of Napoleon being a weird nerd. And then a character telling him how astonishing of a vaunted master of Europe he is. If you cut the blathering about how amazing he is, it's wall to wall jokes. But with the blathering, it feels like if a comedy sketch paused, repeatedly, for a character to tell the Dead Parrot Guy he's a pillar of the community who runs charity 5Ks. What do I do with that? I've only ever seen him be oily and scam a parrot purchaser.

Lydia: OMFG, that is a perfect comparison. Oh, also, when they're telling us how great Napoleon is, no mention of eliminating serfdom in France. That's why the peasants loved him. I thought it was wild that they never brought that up. That's a huge part of his whole deal.

Alex: Yeah! He was specifically good for adult men in France, and in lots of places where he ended monarchies. The movie boils him down to simply wanting to be military dictator of the Earth. Which matches my pretty negative read on the guy. But is also so mean! Why would you make a movie about that guy without making him the villain?

Lydia: It’s almost even less than that. He mostly shows up to battles and watches. You never see him plan anything. I don't think I got a conqueror vibe out of him. It was more of a Rodney Dangerfield upset that France gets no respect. “What do I gotta do to get France some respect? Invade Russia, fine.”

Alex: Rodney Dangerfield is so much more masculine than this portrayal of Napoleon. Better at parties AND declaring wars.

Lydia: True.

Alex: Also the movie makes Napoleon bad at hooking up with ladies. Or afraid of it? They do mention Napoleon having affairs, in the form of Napoleon admitting that to Josephine, and in the next breath saying he didn't love the women. But Napoleon had so many affairs, with at least 20 different women. But this movie acts like he was an incel. The one time it shows Napoleon with a paramour, it is his mom telling him to do a “can I pregnancy?” experiment on a willing young lady. In the scene, Napoleon is big frowny about having to do that. I think he throws in a hat crumple about it? Or head-bonks the wall?

Lydia: Yeah, he already had 3 illegitimate children at that point– the sex science was done. When he goes into the girl’s room, I remember he blew out the candle, like he didn't even want to look at her. Sure, Napoleon.

Alex: Yeah and blowing the candle out makes the room 100% dark, which is tricky for proceeding to have sex with a total stranger. If this were a comedy, [funny noises/ouches ensue]. But if this were a drama, [glossy positive stuff ensues]. Why do they go a third way?

Lydia: Imagine they play a slowed down synthy version of the Benny Hill music behind it just to fuck with us.

Alex: Benny Hill music in the form of the love theme from Top Gun. “Take my sax awaaaaaay.”

Lydia: If I were making a movie about the politics of Napoleon or the love story of Napoleon and Josephine I would definitely include his many affairs. You would think that would be important.

Alex: His affairs (in particular with a Polish duchess) impacted the actual politics. Poland allied with France for a lot of the era because of fear of Russia, and secondarily because Napoleon had a mistress there. That Polish duchess is top of mind for me because of an Instagram ad I saw, for vodka. I had heard of her before, because of reading books. But a vodka ad told me more about Napoleon's life than this movie.

Lydia: This ten-second ad for vodka is objectively better than the two-and-a-half-hour movie we watched. Also, we’re now at the Battle of Waterloo. Right? Aka the scene where they shoot the hat.

Alex: Yes: after all of Europe gangs up on him, Napoleon's briefly exiled to Elba (a mega-interesting thing the movie boils down to Napoleon riding through one town, then standing on one cliff and looking at the ship that'll bring him back).

Lydia: Again, wild, not to mention that they didn't kill him because they couldn't. People would have rioted so hard they tore France apart. That's how beloved by the working class he was. There were also people who moved into exile with Napoleon rather than not be ruled by him. Also, hilarious in real history that they didn't send him far enough away from France.

Alex: They did not and I love that the real second exile strategy was “same but farther?” In the movie, first exile fails, Napoleon returns to France. He goes straight to Josephine’s house and learns Josephine died, off screen. There is a lot of movie to go.

Lydia: At this point I feel bullied by this movie.

Alex: Then Napoleon assembles his army. There is one scene where his old troops group-hug him after he bravely walks toward them unarmed. Which could've been a pretty good scene to (BELATEDLY) make us like something about Napoleon. But in the group hug, Napoleon makes a bunch of weird faces and seems to hate it. He reacts like Dr Evil does when Scott expresses emotion. Then, the Battle of Waterloo happens, Waterloo-ing Napoleon into Waterloopitude.

Lydia: I loved the Duke Of Wellington. He really brought across how the British were just fucking exhausted by Napoleon. Like, “I'm killing Napoleon, AGAIN! I just did that last Wednesday.”

Alex: You're so right that it's so interesting why they can't just kill him. And the movie presents a fake reason. At Waterloo they show a sniper get a bead on Napoleon, and Wellington stops him from killing Napoleon for “fair fight” reasons. "Pish posh, wouldn't be chum-ly, [aristocrat noises]." After Waterloo, we see British Prisoner Napoleon having breakfast, because this movie is obsessed with giving mighty men their breakfast.

Lydia: “I AM HAVING A SUCCULENT PRE-EXILE.”

Alex: Napoleon gives a tedious lecture to British Navy teenagers, then goes to St. Helena, then tries to lecture two little girls who tell him his story is made-up. In between these scenes, he writes a dozen letters to Josephine's ghost. She replies to each of them, in voiceover. She’s dead. He can hear her though? Or can’t? Who cares? Then Napoleon falls out of a chair dead and they cut to multiple title cards of Napoleon information, because we did not learn anything or care.

Lydia: Two cards saying, "his last word was Josephine, and also he killed a million people." So frustrating as far as anyone discerning what the movie is trying to say. They should have done one more card. "Also, Napoleon's hat fell off when he died, and he probably pooped his pants lol."

Alex: His hat did get to be most of the last shot. The shot of the falling out of a chair dead, after little girls disdained him.

Lydia: Just to fully encompass the vibe of the film. He was a hat, atop a weird/bad/good/normal/short/weird/horny guy. That's the moral of the movie.

Alex: How did your Vest Elder react to the lights coming back up? Mine stared at the movie screen and read the credits. Read them, like if the wall was a book. I had to step over him to get out of the aisle. (we were in the same aisle)

Lydia: Oh my God Alex. Same! I was like, is this man waiting for a Marvel end credits scene? Does he think Napoleon's hand is going to shoot out of the grave and a little “Napoleon 2 Coming Soon” title is going to show up?

Alex: I almost don’t care to know, now, because for some reason this country is lousy with clean-cut 60-something guys who see period dramas on Tuesday afternoons.

Lydia: I literally am concerned this film is haunted.

Alex: He was pretty fit and "Slender Man" is a plausible nickname for him, if that wasn't a thing already. Maybe the Internet saw this guy and mis-described him.

Lydia: The click bait title of this article is definitely "We Saw A Movie With Slenderman".

Lydia: Do you think there's a good version of this movie somewhere in there? I heard a ridiculous amount of Josephine stuff was cut. An hour or something.

Alex: That’s an excellent question, and I thiWHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CUT A FULL HOUR OF VANESSA KIRBY

Lydia: She's clearly the strongest part of the movie. She's so good! If anyone gets an Oscar it should be her but also, no one should.

Alex: "Josephine" is just a better movie idea too. Her life has a narrative arc.

Lydia: She was the Empress of Rome, Queen of Italy, and got divorced from the Emperor without getting beheaded or losing anything more than a little bit of power. And she maybe also slept with the hot young Tsar of Russia?

Alex: Which the movie manages to acknowledge, once.

Lydia: The image of them dancing at the end was what her and Napoleon would actually have looked like. Older lady with a background, young ruler who she’s sweeping off his feet. That is so much more striking to me! What a weird power balance there.

Alex: I almost wish they ignored Napoleon and followed anybody else in his era. He’s more interesting as a generational disaster than as a person. He just marched around Europe until its combined armies brought his soldiers (and his affair-penis) to a halt. And the movie struggles because Napoleon was off on campaigns for long periods of time. They were clearly proud of giving Josephine just as much movie(-ish). But that means it's a movie about two people in different countries writing letters. And then suddenly yelling at each other when they briefly meet up. If you just make a Josephine movie, you can focus on her doing SO MUCH while he's away. And then when he's back it matters.

Lydia: That's definitely the more interesting side of the love story.

Alex: Otherwise make a movie about just a little of his life. Maybe “Old Man And The Sea” type stuff with his last exile. Or do the opposite: young Napoleon on Corsica. Which is fascinating and not in this movie. He had to choose between being a Corsican freedom fighter, and a ladder-climbing sweaty guy in France's military (he picked France). Corsicans tried to break away from France. His (very Italian) family helped. He's almost not French! But this whole movie acts like he’s Mister France. It’s all classic French stuff like red white and blue flags, and American accents.

Lydia: I can just see the end of that movie where he looks into the camera and puts on the hat. That would be fun!

Alex: "aaaaaand HAT"

Lydia: Even when they do a sprawling epic-style movie like this, they usually pinpoint a few relationships that keep the movement through time tethered, and I think if they had a few more important characters, we could also watch develop with Napoleon like his brother, his mother, J's kids, etc. That might make it feel less weirdly out of time. We get biopics all the time that cover a lot of stuff and start with the main character as a baby, and they work. But this felt like it could never work for some reason. It felt like a nine-year-old telling you a story.

Alex: Hahaha. "And then I did a HORSEY CANNON BALL FOR MOMMY"

Lydia: “Wow! Sounds like Napoleon had a big day!”

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