Best of 2023: Alex Schmidt
Added 2023-12-18 13:00:10 +0000 UTC
Welcome to the Great Annual Hot Dog Bash! It’s the company barbecue where we build meat effigies of ourselves, grill them, and eat them to absorb our own powers. Nobody else can have them! We’re finding all the best 1900HOTDOG articles from the past year and making them all free, starting with our beloved Schmidty. He’s the one we send to talk to the cops while the rest of us hide in the bathroom, too high to risk being seen. 2023 was a very Learning-centric year for Alex Schmidt. He learned us about…
Learning Day: The 2023 NHL Draft Lottery
The best part about Schmidty Day is that he’s an ambush predator. You never know where he’s coming from. We other Hot Doggers will write about shit like insane Amazon cookbook scams, but Schmidty finds the madness hiding in normie territory. Like with the dreary 2023 NHL Draft Lottery, and the sinister scam lurking within its beige depths.
Learning Day: The Scam Cookbooks of Morishige Shunsen
Like a true ambush predator, Schmidty knows you’re expecting an ambush and surprises you with his total lack of ambushing. Detective Schmidty’s on the case of the counterfeit celebrity cookbooks, plus one that just might actually be from Kanye West.
Learning Day: UCSB’S Self-Published Dorm
Only Schmidty has the moxie, the absolute chutzpah to pitch a building to us. It’s never been done before, it’ll never be done again unless China builds the Brosnan Dome.
Learning Day: 9 Cats, 9 Lives
“Haha look, Schmidty sent us a fun one about cats,” we said, never expecting to wind up on a sinking Atlantis with Babe Ruth.
Fucking Day: The Sexual Key to the Tarot
Horny Schmidty! This is to be treasured. The rarest of all Schmidty subjects, 2023 saw a statistically improbable Fucking Day from Alex Schmidt. If you ever wondered what astrological sign your dick is, too bad! That’s a different article Sissyneck is writing right now. This one’s about hanging dong with the Hanged Man.
Comments
I was visited last night by three ghosts warning me it's not too late to be wholesome. I awoke and gave a boy a farthing to fetch me a turkey dog, Chicago style. What he brought back was plainly a Morishige Shunsen concoction. A Schmidtymas miracle!
Brendan McGinley
2023-12-19 02:41:56 +0000 UTCHuh, the first time I read the Sexual Tarot book I missed the diss on "tribades" (a rather delightful old-school name for lesbians) being silly girls who don't understand that they need MANLY wetness
Daphne Lawless
2023-12-18 22:53:24 +0000 UTCAnd a Happy Dog Year to you!!!!!!! (7 exclamation marks to denote dog to human year conversion)
Kevin Hanlon
2023-12-18 18:48:15 +0000 UTCyes i remembered about Alex when Munger died a couple a weeks ago i can only hope that he read the article about him before he passed as sort of a pretty polite ghost a christmas future type deal and that well find out he left instructions in his will for that dorm to be turned into the most marvalous conveneince store in all the land
sissyneck
2023-12-18 15:25:55 +0000 UTCMerry Schmidtymas!
FancyShark
2023-12-18 14:45:22 +0000 UTCIt's a good thing I read these the first time around, otherwise all this Schmidty Knowledge all at once would be too much for my brain to handle!
Skebotron
2023-12-18 13:26:11 +0000 UTC
