Fucking Day: The Yearble in Diebel

Almost six years ago, I discovered the fascinating disaster of Don Diebel. For new or forgetful readers, I'll try to sum him up in a paragraph: He was a man who dedicated his life to picking up chicks with no idea how or why anyone would do that. He tried seducing them with handshakes, farts, hypnosis, colognes, audio attacks, and when none of that worked he swapped all the pronouns in his book and released it for women, including the part about picking up hitchhikers to coerce them into sex! When that didn't work he changed his name and rewrote the book for nude dancers only. When that didn't work he wrote a fanfiction Houston Yellow Pages. When that didn't work he wrote a book on improving your golf game with sorcery. When that didn't work he wrote a book on how to ask God for help dealing with failure. When that didn't work he tried to sue me for making fun of him. And when that didn't work, he started over and did all of it again.

It is 2023, and Don Diebel is still going. This lonely foot guy who has been hounding strangers in discos and hunting bargains in topless bars since 1980 published three books this year. And I bought all of them. Let's start with the one collecting all his decades of wisdom into one final, ultimate guide: 200 GUARANTEED AND PROVEN WAYS TO MEET, DATE, ATTRACT, AND SEDUCE WOMEN: A STEP-BY-STEP DATING GUIDE WITH PROVEN & TESTED RESULTS FOR PICKING UP WOMEN.

Sorry about the image quality. I couldn't get a good scan because it's bound in some unknown rubbery film that repels all light. I own thousands of books self-published by cheap weirdos and I've never seen anything like it. Which is troubling because if Don Diebel did put out a poisoned book, it would kill me and no one else, and that may have occurred to him.

Since this is the life's work of a 43 year sex pest veteran, it's a highly organized, polished product. These are the seduction tools that work, for any occasion, available in an instant.

I was kidding. These are seven or eight things you might say to an Encino Man before his first high school dance slightly rewritten dozens of times in no particular order and organized by number chunk. It is the Notes app of a traveler sent here to learn of finger blasting. I don't know if this is Don Diebel's ancient brain misfiring or if he asked an AI how to shake a girl's hand 200 times, but it is the same obvious or bad advice chewed on until it's meaningless. If you taught a lecture class on courting teen babes in the '60s, this book would feel like grading papers.

Anyway, you're probably thinking "Chapter Two - 26-50 Guaranteed and Proven Ways" looks good. Yeah, let's check it out!

The 46th guaranteed and proven way to meet, date, seduce, and attract women is to give up on desirable women and consider how the bodies of ugly girls "hold promise of hidden delights." I love how this is both psychopathic and beautiful. It's like he was writing it to cheer up the disgusting stranger who found it in your home while you're drugging her drink.

Let's change the subject. Girls. Everyone does it.

This man has been calling himself "Americas #1 Single's Expert" since Jimmy Carter was President. And the first tip he gives on the generic subject of "Girls" is to never place your hands under your armpits and act like a winged creature. And his next two tips are to not use pizza or coupons, which makes me think he knows nothing about romance. Don Diebel, or the ChatGPT prompt writing as him, has pictured an audience so clueless that "Don't arrive with a Little Caesars pizza from 1993" is useful advice. And I guess that's worth bringing up– who the fuck is this for? Is there anyone who knows less about women than Don Diebel? Like does he even know what kissing is?

Okay, fine. So he technically knows what kissing is, but it doesn't answer my question. Who is this great tip for? Did our minds get switched with a fucking dog? Don Diebel, or the Russian ghostwriting agency posing as him, thinks his readers might need the dictionary definition for kissing. Can you imagine the confused honking and squirting that will happen if this sexual encounter goes any further?

The 185th guaranteed and proven way to meet, date, seduce, and attract women is to always keep your back to doors. Why? Because, va va voom, that's where the babes come in. In many ways, this is admirable. Here in his '80s, the author is still so horny he can't conceive of a world where he leaves a woman unleered. And remember tip #46– he's trained his boner to respond even to the gross ones. If he sees any lady of any kind he is going to unroll his tongue right into the appetizers. Alpha studs, this technique will cost you the chance to impress your date with how you never sit with your back to doors because you're constantly assessing threats at all times, but you make up for it by not barking at everyone's titties. Which is just your nature, you can't help it.

This sort of sums up the book. Don starts with decent but obvious advice, "don't stare at other women on a date," and makes it weird and upsetting. Then he repeats it. Then he repeats it. And I picked the fun ones. Ninety percent of this book is rambling stories about the importance of posture or punctuality he already told 10 tips ago. If this book was a deer, you'd shoot it in the head and curse the bastard who left it here suffering.

Let's move on to his next one. Remember earlier when I said Don Diebel swapped all the pronouns in a guide to picking up chicks and tried to sell the exact book to ladies? It was one of the most singularly insane things I've ever seen an author do. It showed a lack of understanding of even the most basic of human experiences. As long as our species fucks, no one will ever produce something so uniquely and hilariously ignorant. I only bring it up because this year he did it again.

By this point, Don Diebel, "Americas #1 Single's Expert," is a decorated poontang hunter. He knows all there is to know about women. He knows one of them will someday "show him her bush" if he keeps asking, no second thing, and he uses all that knowledge and less in this incredible dong-scoring book, THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING MEN AND FINDING MR. RIGHT. So fellas, get out of here. It's the ladies' turn. But don't jump under all those men yet, girls. First you have to find one.

Holy fucking shit. It's 2023 and Don Diebel is still telling women to pick up hitchhikers! In the desperate hopes the destitute man will fuck them! As if there's a woman alive looking at a hitchhiker and thinking, "Oh, to have a filthy and mysterious stranger such as that inside me on my way to Scottsdale. But how?"

This can't be a word-for-word reprint of the gender-swapped kidnapping guide he put out in 1990, could it? I mean, come on. Come the fuck on, Don.

Jesus, I hope he cut the chapter where all he did was complain about cocktea–

Look at this. Marvel at it. This is a man angry about unwanted boners he was given in the '70s. He thinks women in night clubs are legally responsible for every desire they cause, and this crime has no statute of limitations. He is certain they do it on purpose to torment him, an innocent pussy vagrant. Also, in a way? He also embodies the spirit of every woman and you ladies can relate to his problems.

This clipping is a revealing look at his process. Changing every "she" to "he" was easy, sure. But he also took all his complaints and translated them into the second person. He tells the female reader, "here's one that really bothers you," and then reminds her of all those crotch shaking studs who torture her with a throbbing whatever-ladies-have before hiding in the bathroom. That's nuts. That's crazy you can only find here in the lonely soul of this one elderly virgin. Oh, I hope he left in the chapter on banging stewardesses hastily rewritten to be about male flight attendants!

Yes!!!

Sure, giving your address to a Florida hypnotist is a great way to meet men. What else?

Girls, you're going to kick yourself when you hear how easy relationships are, but all you need to do is write SCORE on your own mirror with soap to summon cock. Don wants you to make sure you can see yourself "from the waste up," not because you're trash but because no one is attracted to people who fix 33-year-old typos.

This is one of my favorite Don Diebel tips because unless he got lucky and sold his book to the world's first wizard, the best this can do is boost your confidence. And yet even he, the inventor of it, admits it's so fucking embarrassing no one can ever know of it. So to recap, you want to hypnotize yourself to trick women into sex, flip everything so you're the girl, and humiliate yourself for disco confidence. Obviously, it can't get any dumber than this.

What's telepathy? Why it's magical mind power, and now that you know about it, you have it. Let's put it to use demanding penetration from men, silently, upon electrons only you control. I don't know why this wasn't Chapter 1 - The Only Chapter We'll Need, but you should be ready to find Mr. Right now. Wait, a couple more things:

Like the confidence you earned from writing LOVE CONNECTION on your mirror, your telepathy does not work when people make fun of you. Other than that, you should be good to go. Get out there and sexually enslave people with your mind, but don't be tempted to use your powers for evil. So we've complained about vagina teases, learned about the safe pleasures of hitchhikers, unlocked our mutant abilities… is there anything else a modern woman needs to know?

Roller discos– the hot activity sweeping the nation! I love 2023 Don Diebel so much. He's like an '80s comedy about a sex criminal unthawed from cryo prison to help his granddaughter find a date to space prom. Brian Doyle Murray is Out on Bad Behavior? Grope Rogers in the 25th Century? Hitch 2: Fridge Pervert? I'll figure it out. In the meantime, let's read Diebel's third book:

This is going to sound impossible, absolutely fucking bonkers, but Don Diebel wrote another book of seduction prayers. HELP ME JESUS: 365 DAILY SPIRITUAL DEVOTIONS TO HELP MEN MEET, DATE, AND ATTRACT WOMEN is a list of ways you can beg God for a woman, and if not a woman, a way to deal with the crushing emotional trauma of this dry penis, You bastard.

This is an unbelievable story! Just this year, the son of the actual God appeared before Don Diebel, a man who says you can save money at topless bars by watching other guy's lap dances, and asked him to co-write a book on picking up chicks! Wow!

It's normally hard to debunk someone's religious experience. Who can say whether the Lord, our God, tasked this dirtbag with rearranging the words in his saddest book? Unless… that's it! I have that other book! I can check my copy of How to Use the Power of Jesus to Help you Meet, Date, and Attract Women to see what he said in that introduction!

Holy cow! The exact same thing happened to him in March of 2017! Like, the identical, word-for-word thing!

But still, maybe Jesus simply commanded a donkey to kick him in the head to erase his memory of this book. Like he did right before he wrote the introduction to the gender-swapped version of it. Because, yes, of course, Don Diebel published a For Her version of his book about demanding sex from God.

Guys, I'm starting to think Don Diebel never really met Jesus. But let's take a look at the kinds of things he says to Him anyway.

We are one fucking week into the year and Don Diebel has already given up on Jesus sending him girls. This is a man certain he has mind powers and has had three editorial meetings with God, and even he can't pretend this is working. "This is never going to work. I just need you to send some painkillers after I cut my dick off, Jesus, in Your name I pray, Amen."

Let's see if Diebel turns things around in February.

This looks pretty bad. He's no longer nagging Jesus for women, or even complaining about how he has to nag Jesus for women. He's now nagging Jesus for help in dealing with the frustration of how pointless it is to nag Jesus for women. And on the next day he has what he calls a "setback!" At this level of sadness, that definitely means finding a spider egg cluster in your fake butt.

I'm going to skip ahead to April and see if we can find some hope.

No, this is more crushing sadness. Don Diebel's April dating strategy is hoping this life has all been a magic act and Jesus is about to pull a tablecloth off a naked lady.

To be fair, not all of the book is whimpering into the stars after finishing your Pornhub recommendations. Some of it is hauntingly strange dating advice, or maybe manslaughter confessions, rewritten to sound like prayer. "Dear Jesus, help me sit up straight and never mention the hole I dug near mile marker 23 outside Lake Jackson."

Okay, we've done it. We've found the limits of man's sadness. It's May and Don Diebel's advice is to literally scream into the sky for a wife. And oh, by the way, it "usually" doesn't work.

Wh– damn it, we're fucking trying, Don!!!

This is a repeat, but it's good to remind Jesus every six months that you're just a pathetic pile of shit, Amen.

I'm sure this has occurred to you, but can you imagine buying this book in good faith? Picture an ordinary Christian reader hoping for a religious take on dating and discovering the whole book was this. Imagine reading six months of entitled complaints from a man who would stab a priest if he thought it would make a vagina-shaped hole. This is a man who fell back on Jesus after his first plan, abduct strippers, didn't pan out. Don Diebel thought this God stuff would be a cheat code to book sales and babes, and he is so pissed off it's not working.

See? This motherfucker is praying to God for the strength to not get mad at God for failing to deliver on His promise of free sex. This is a real book! He wrote this book twice! And then a third time for ladies!

I was sort of kidding when I said Jesus promised Don Diebel a woman, but Don Diebel doesn't think it's a joke. He genuinely thinks Jesus promised him a woman! He also thinks that's impossible. But he also claims to have a secret weapon: Jesus. It's clumsy logic revealing the only real crack in Diebel's armor– he's a stupid fucking idiot. He's literally too dumb to pray for pussy without screwing it up.

Diebel tries a lot of different ways of coping with this life he's created for himself. On July 28th it was imagining how terrible it would be if he actually was dating a woman. Then he took comfort in how if that ever happened, he'd at least be dead someday. Dead forever, Amen.

Ha ha ha okay, Diebel.

The virgin using his last breath to publicly beg the sky for sex is telling us we need to chill. I never thought I'd say this, but this is too much. I hope things turn around for Don.

What the fuck, it happened!? Jesus finally gave Don Diebel a girl! Okay, Don, don't mess this up. I know your training is mostly in what to do before this point, but just be yourself. I'm sure Jesus let her know about your angry boners, strip club addiction, multiple restraining orders, X-Men powers, comical dishonesty, and crippling debt. I'm sure the next prayer will be a simple thank you to Jesus for guiding Don's hand into eventually undoing a bra, Amen.

G… Dammit. After only one day, devout Christian Don Diebel drove his girlfriend away by using the Lord's name in vain. This can't be the whole story, though; because the day after the breakup, he's not asking for God's help in getting her back. He's asking Jesus to talk him down from REVENGE. "Dear God, don't remind me I could use my telepathy to make her love me or die if I really wanted, wait, forget I said that, in fact this isn't Don, hi, I'm Harold, his friend from out of town, Amen."

Don Diebel is not taking the breakup well. He keeps spinning the story around in his head and by October 6th he's praying to Jesus that it was actually she who said G…damn at Schlotzsky's and Don was the one who broke up with her. And, um, maybe he's better off without her, G… dammit! In a lot of ways this is your fault, Jesus, Amen.

This should turn things around. Great idea, Don. Good ask.

Building a romantic relationship takes hard work and dedication, but don't worry about it if something else comes up, Amen.

Oh no. Don Diebel is a terrible writer prone to mistakes, but I do not like the look of that "and." Don isn't saying "I'm okay with rejection because I'm armed and dangerous with the power of Jesus." He clearly said "I'm okay with rejection because I'm armed and dangerous and also, independent of that, have the power of Jesus." I don't think I'm splitting hairs. There is no other way to take that other than he plans on following the next Teaser to the restroom with a knife, in Jesus' name Don Diebel prays, Amen.

"I saw that ending coming," says every woman reading. "It's a real fucking dark way to end an article," they might add. Oh, we're not done and the ending will be much, much darker. Those were only Don Diebel's books from this year. We haven't talked about the things he posted online. Let's start with a fun one from this blog.

This rules. It's a link to an article on how to clean your car to impress babes illustrated with a picture Don Diebel took of a printout of a photo of himself from 40 years ago. It's maybe the oldest thing anyone has ever done. He must have been going through some old stuff because a week later he posted this one:

This also rules. He is "Americas #1 Single's Expert" and he takes sexy photos like a Turkish POW. This is a Wendigo's "before" picture. Don Diebel is a creepy old man reliving his glory days when he had a basement and air freshener, and he must have realized that because he follows it up the next day with "Advice for Men When Rejected by Women."

Why do this? Don Diebel's entire career has taken place in his imagination, so why bother with the sad stuff? Shouldn't all his articles be things like "How to Score Foxy Babes by Walking Up and Grabbing Their Tits"?

Oh my god, oh fuck, I was kidding!

In a disappointment I can't describe, I got an error when I clicked this link. However, the one thing I know about Don Diebel is he hasn't written a new word in over thirty years. Every single one of these posts is copied, typos and all, from his old books. So I went through each of them to learn what this could be. And there it was, the 97th of 200 Guaranteed and Proven Ways to Meet, Date, Attract, and Seduce Women.

I was so excited to learn it's exactly what it sounded like. You talk to a woman, and while you're doing that, you play with her tits! It's genius. It's so genius Don Diebel could never come up with it and even he, the man who lied about meeting God three times, couldn't take credit for it. The idea (boob touching) comes from someone named Anthony Berger who Google tells me is the national director for the Cub Scouts, but that can't be fucking right. Ah, this must be him:

The boob touch guy is some kind of seduction coach who brags about being hated by women, but forget all that. This means Don Diebel, "Americas #1 Single's Expert," a man who went to high school in the 1950s, is still taking seduction courses!? Don Diebel is a cause too lost for Jesus Christ, and he's still investing money in bagging chicks? That's like buying new rims for the truck you already drove through a strip bar. It's like telling your investment broker to put everything into a magical elixir that makes any woman fuc– oh G…dammit, Diebel.

In 2023, a year where you can look up if potions are real, Don Diebel is still selling Cosby perfume. Wait, hold on a second.

Ha ha ha the Bangladeshi clickfarm that runs Don Diebel's blog is still taking graphics from articles where I make fun of him and unknowingly including them in his marketing. It's chaos. An uroboros of madness. In the history of mankind, there has never been anything like this.

Let's leave his blog and see what he got up to on Twitter in 2023.

Last week he tried to sell an audio cassette of a 1983 book by "world-famous author" Eric Weber for helping shy boys (#shyness) find super hot romance. It can't be serious. He can't really be trying to sell this. This is just him testing to see if anyone else can see Eric Weber's ghost. Let's see how things are going on his Facebook…

Oh no.

Is he on Reddit? Oh, fuck, he is. Kind of.

Five months ago he went on Reddit and tried his never-before-worked method of pasting in terrible clips from his shitty books. As they were with women and readers, his ideas were instantly rejected by moderator bots, including the one where he wrote as a groovy 35-year-old. It demonstrates the problem with Don Diebel. He has only written for people who know less than him, none of whom ever existed, and if they did, they died from genital atrophy generations ago. There is no one, anywhere on the Internet, who needs an old man to start an account in 2023 and explain roller rinks or the mechanics of a French kiss to them. It's not all bad news, though! Don did finally get a post to stay up in the subreddit Damnthatsinteresting…

I guess it is sort of interesting when a stranger's first post is "I can use mental pictures to pork anyone!" next to a photo of this menacing man. Speaking of interesting, you might be wondering if any of this is lucrative. The man is selling tapes, perfumes, prayer books… someone must be buying all this, right? Well, remember when I said this article was going to end darker than an elderly incel telling Jesus he was going to kill the next woman who rejected him?

Despite diversifying to every grift and faking a relationship with God, Don Diebel is making so little money from his girltrapping empire he is… selling his own grave. Half off.

Let the darkness wash over you. "Americas #1 Single's Expert," who does not call himself that in his grave ad, is selling his own double cemetery plot. He bought it for 69 hundred dollars, but is selling it for $3450. Which means after all his training, trickery, sorcery, and piety, Don Diebel…

… by all legal and scientific measures…

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