Fucking Day: How to Marry the Rich

It's hard to make money if you're a simple, hot, intelligent, overly confident woman who's willing to marry an old man and wait for him to die. Wait, sorry, I don't think that actually sounds very hard. Yet somehow, Ginie Polo Sayles made a career out of being the first woman to publicly have the audacity.

She put a dollar sign in her name before Ke$ha. She dedicated her book to Donahue, God, and her husband in that order. The two pull quotes from satisfied customers she chose for her book cover are, "I learned the reason my last relationship failed" and "Fantastic! I really enjoyed it," attributed to no one.

How to Marry The Rich, also published with the subtitle "The rich have to marry someone, why not you?" was a massive success in 1991. Ginie was on every major talk show. Her book was published in multiple countries, including Germany and Italy. She launched a career as a Tony Robbins for women willing to listen to men explain polo for money.

The book opens with an extremely defensive forward from Ginie's husband, oil man Reed Sayles, where he explains that he is aware of this book and he thinks it was his idea! Some other facts about Reed are he met Ginie two days after his third divorce. Ginie was dating a bunch of other rich men at the time, so he used money to "entice her away from them." There's a section on Ginie's website explaining her relationship with Reed in detail, and every fun fact she shares is more upsetting than the last.

I feel like stipulating someone remain in your line of sight 24 hours a day toes the line between wife and captive. Are they married, or is she trapped in his castle until the last petal falls from the cursed rose?

More disturbingly, they dress alike, all the time.

I hate how these questions are phrased as if this is something a normal interviewer might ask someone. I was worried the next one would be, "Has a German surgeon recently agreed to sew them together in an experimental procedure nicknamed the Human Duapede?" Anyway, this is all to make very clear to the reader that Ginie in no way married her husband for his money. Now, let's get to all of her great tips about how you can marry men specifically for their money, starting with where you can meet rich men.

Ok, cool, so just kick open the door to a corporate shareholder meeting and yell, "Any of you boys single and want to kiss?" I'm sure they will be very receptive to that. All you have to do to marry a rich man is stow away on his private jet and then pop out once the flight is midair, and he'll have no opportunity to escape your sexual advances. Or, just buy a yacht, yacht club membership, and mooring fees. It's so easy! Why has no one done this yet? Surely, there must be somewhere more accessible to the general public where a low-income girl can meet rich men... somewhere everyone is welcome? Well, don't worry, this book has that too!

Weirdly, there's no chapter on how to tell your rich boyfriend you lied about being an alcoholic to cruise vulnerable, rich men. I guess, to be fair, the book is called How To Marry The Rich, it doesn't specify the marriage will be good. Ginie's getting you to the altar; how you maintain the elaborate ruse you used to get there is up to you.

Lying is the main piece of advice this book has. Lie about being an alcoholic, lie about your job, lie about your feather, etcetera. Lie about their child's mental health if that will get your foot in the door. There's a section on how different professions can meet rich men that tells teachers to get a job at a private school and then run a full scam on a divorced dad.

I guess the title How To Be A Con Artist was already taken, and Ginie couldn't devise a clever ruse to obtain it. If you really are a teacher and are willing to send a child to therapy for no reason to meet his single dad, it would be pretty hard to get caught in that particular lie. No recently divorced alcoholic has the balls to call you on that.

For the men, Ginie suggests lying about being a genius, artist, or writer to trick a woman into marrying you, which seems harder to pull off. Except for the writer one. If you say you're a writer and never produce any actual work, that's not suspicious at all.

Men can also meet wealthy widows by becoming a minister! All you have to do is memorize all that crap in the Bible and then take the first rich, vulnerable woman you meet to pound town. In fact, this book is ghoulishly obsessed with rich widows and widowers as potential future spouses. There's even an example obituary and a lesson on how to read between the lines to tell if the person was rich, how old their surviving spouse might be, and how to meet them. It's like a scavenger hunt for depression.

Another great strategy for meeting rich men is stalking. That sounds a little harsh, so this book refers to it as "watching, unseen." Nope, sorry, that feels worse to me. Following your rich target is suggested multiple times in this book. There's even a fun anecdote where Ginie sees a gold Mercedes, follows the driver to a party, crashes the party, makes friends with a secretary there, then calls her to get the name and number of the Mercedes driver. Ginie has a particular set of skills, and if you are upper class and still sad from your dead wife, she will find you.

Now, she does caution against "criminal dishonesty" in the pursuit of a relationship, but I have no idea what that could possibly mean. If lying about alcoholism, your profession, or the fact that you stalked your new love interest is not a deal breaker, what could one possibly be? Don't tie a baby to a shark to meet a marine biologist? Don't start a South American coup to catch Henry Kissinger's eye? Don't commit tax evasion to meet that sexy IRS auditor you've been following to the gym?

I said earlier this book isn't about maintaining your relationship with a rich person, but there is some advice to that end. It's mostly more lying. There's also some pretty insightful stuff about how to mother a rich man's genitals.

I also enjoy the section in the "sexual dynamics" of money chapter where Ginie mentions that having a great deal of money is like having an "extra genital ." I wish she had said penis there because which genital really matters. I can see a scenario where you get all excited for the advertised extra genital and it turns out to be just way more balls. No one wants more balls, even the most loving of semi-parenting sex organ mothers.

It's not like she's afraid to use the word penis in this book. There's a whole section about playing "penis tag", which is when your many-balled rich man can't maintain an erection, so you have to mother his adorable penis. Uh, oh, I just wrote the worst sentence of all time. Sorry for knocking you out of the lead, "A woman often takes the role as mother of an RM's sex organs with both nurturing and discipline."

So now you're dating your rich mate. You've seen his many genitals. Things are going great. How do you keep him interested in you? This book advises you practice something called "being a problem" for your spouse. The idea is that people are always repeating patterns in their relationships, so you find out what the problem was in your spouse's last relationship through the magic of watching, unseen, or even hiring a private detective and then recreating the magic that caused their first three divorces only to a lesser extent. It's so brilliant. Up there with genital money.

This is the kind of behavior that convinces a man to keep you trapped in his magical castle for all eternity. It turns out the key to a happy marriage is misery. The key to meeting the person of your dreams is several minor crimes, and the key to great sex is an octo-dick that may or may not work.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Eric Rion: the Money Genital.

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