Nerding Day: Branson on Stage

We all know of the popular game so beloved by nerds that a single  card from it can sell for hundreds, or sometimes millions of dollars.  Yes, I’m talking about America’s most beloved trading card game, 1992’s  Branson On Stage, the only game that allows you to collect and battle  the stars of early 90’s Branson, Missouri country music scene. You’ll be  shocked to hear I recently got my hands on a full, unopened box of  Branson On Stage booster packs. With over 300 cards to sort through, I  was able to find some truly rare and truly powerful cards. Some are so  powerful I can’t stop seeing them even when I close my eyes! Here are  some of the highlights from my new collection.

The Tabuchi Evolution Cards

I was thrilled to find the Tabuchi evolution cards so early in my  booster pack journey. Of course, Shoji and Dorothy are powerful cards on  their own, but when combined, the full force of the rare The Tabuchis  augment is pretty much unstoppable. A fun fact about these cards that  most people don’t know is the photographs were taken in a ’90s Taco  Bell/Glamor shots studio that used to be the main attraction at the  downtown Branson mall. In a rare misprint, you can see a rejected photo  of Shoji fighting off a fan forcefully attempting to share his Baja  Blast with him.

Herkimer and The Presleys

The Presleys are internationally recognized as the first gospel band  to include a furry. Jasper T. Jowls, an escapee from Munch’s Make  Believe Band, joined the group as a tambourine player after he entered a  relationship with lead singer Herkimer. He was known to absolutely  shred the gospel hymn “There Is A Fountain Filled With Blood.” Crowds  went wild as he smashed his tambourine to bits after the final chorus of  “blood, blood, blood, blood, blood.” Combining these two cards causes  the opposing player to have to set all of their cards on fire and spend  the next four turns in Hell.

Eye Patch Guys

Branson is a rough and tumble town, so it’s not unusual to get an eye  patch guy in a booster set. I only mention them because it’s actually  kind of crazy that I only got two separate eye patch guys in my set of  three hundred cards. These are some of the most common cards in Branson  On Stage. They’re good for building a low cost army of eye patch guys as  a base defense around your Shoney’s, but having only two in my  collection, unfortunately, won’t do much for me.

Nakey Cards

The power of nudity is a great offensive move in Branson On Stage, as  it is in real life. Good Christian performers like those in Branson  must shield their eyes from the foul flesh of these two tempting  beauties. If you throw down a Wesley Probst or a Louise Mandrell, all  cards must be flipped and their effects neutralized until the opposing  player can prove they love America enough to counteract the effects of  the nudity.

If Wesley Probst manages to convince one of your eye patch guys to  give him a little smooch you lose 300 banjos. If Louise Mandrell can  lure any other card to her, she consumes it whole. That card now belongs  to the opposing player but can only be played along with the Louise  Mandrell, as it is now technically in her stomach. Its effect is halved.

I Love America Cards

Louise Mandrell loves two things: nudity and the USA. An America  Mandrell is, of course, one of the only ways to counteract a nakey  Mandrell. A Buck Trent will also work, but since his love for America is  less obviously displayed, it takes two turns for all cards to be  returned to active play if you’ve only got a Trent to counteract your  opponent’s Nakey. Of course, if neither of these cards is in your deck  you can simply recite the Constitution in its entirety or name all of  the GOOD presidents to counteract a nakey card.

Prop Comics

These guys are a great last line of defense for your Shoney’s. A  single prop comic only costs around 32 banjos to deploy, but they output  a ton of patriotism and sometimes come with a beloved animal bonus. If  you can’t find a way to steal their truck, they’re difficult to defeat  without sacrificing all of your pimento cheese to distract them.

You might notice on the Wayne Francis card that he’s using his  lifesize dummy Otis, which is no longer a part of his act after he and  Wayne had a falling out that resulted in a knife fight live on stage at  his show, a fairly regular occurrence in Branson. Luckily, Wayne  survived and replaced Otis with a more subservient haunted doll named  Wingnut. That’s why the discontinued Otis version of this card can sell  for around $5,000 to the right collector. A Droopy Drawers card, on the  other hand, appears in wet laundry and howls like a slide whistle at  night.

Glamour Shots For Ladies

I call this trio Alien Head, Bond Girl, and Soap Opera Star. These  three make up a great mid-game defense. Cristy Lane is the closest card  to God because she’s got the highest hair of any card in the game, which  gives her an additional 72 patriotism. Barbara looks like she has a  saucy little secret, and Irlene knows exactly what that secret is.  Barbara stole her favorite wrinkled bed sheet to use as a photo  backdrop!

Glamour Shots For Men

Branson is the one place where heterosexual male fringe exists.  That’s why Mickey Gilley’s heterosexual fringe card is so powerful. It  allows you to expend trucks or cowboy hats to gain an extra turn. This  is the second appearance of Buck Trent in the deck but the first where  he’s wearing an ascot instead of his signature bolo, which is what makes  this card so rare. Ronnie Milsap’s mullet and sunglasses with his  initials on it combo exudes so much glamor that when played against any  Glamour Shots For Ladies except for Cristy Lane, the opposing player  must mail their entire discard pile to Ronnie Milsap. Ronnie Milsap  himself has begged Branson on Stage to change this rule, and they will  not!

Picture Pranks

My favorite class of Branson on Stage cards are those rare finds  taken by a photographer who hated his subject. Deby Campbell clearly  just tried out a new hair stylist who gives everyone the Duke Nukem  regardless of what they ask for, AND they caught her in the middle of an  oooOOOooOOOooo. Rodney Dillard looks like he’s actively fucking his  guitar, another fairly regular occurrence in Branson, but according to  Rodney’s lawyers, not what was happening here. Someone decided that  Melba Montgomery’s DMV photo would be fine on a card.

The secondhand embarrassment caused by these cards pairs well with  their win condition of filling your Shoney’s with pimento cheese. Of  course, it’s pretty difficult to collect enough pimento cheese to use  one of these cards to overthrow the opposing Shoney’s.

Children Who Should Not Be Brought Into This

Ah, yes, the tender children of Branson. Don’t put these soft-boned  cards anywhere near the Presleys or the prop comics. You’ll find  yourself quickly pimento cheeseless as the rest of the team expends all  of their patriotism to collect the banjos needed for a rescue mission.  The Osmonds, once called “The Backstreet Boys Of Branson,” are the  children of the original and slightly more popular family band from the  ’70s. Some say that Dillon Spears lost his ongoing battle with that  giant hat, which fully consumed him. Then there’s Christina Tabuchi–  she’s not like the other cards. We need to take a closer look at the  rarest and most terrifying of all Branson On Stage cards.

Christina Tabuchi

I dare you to try and pick the most frightening thing on this card.  Is it the silver gimp mask Tin Man? Is it the look of genuine terror in  the scarecrow’s eyes? Is it the presence of yet another Tabuchi in these  booster packs? The Tabuchis own Branson.

It’s a highly regular occurrence in Branson to see a child forced to  dance for their supper, but there’s just something about this card that  makes it seem extra glum. Of course, sadness is the well from which  these cards draw their power, which is why this is the million dollar  Branson On Stage card. It’s got all of the force of three Tabuchis  behind it. Lay waste to your opponent’s Shoney’s with Christina and her  army of mutated Christian soldiers. There won’t be a single banjo left  once this child sucks the patriotism from their body. No amount of Prop  comics can stop her. All Shoney’s will tremble at the approach of the  child.

It looks like I now have a deck capable of competing in the Branson  On Stage national Grand Prix taking place in Pyongyang North Korea later  this year. I can’t wait to cause an international incident showing  everyone what my deck can do! Hopefully I don’t have to mail too many of  these cards to Ronnie Milsap before then.

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Dean Costello, who once spoke “einnoR pasliM” into a fresh cheesesteak and absorbed all of Ronnie Milsap’s powers.

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